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Humerus News 10-01-11

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-30-11 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK It s the first day of fall, or as the Republicans call it, the end of global
    Message 1 of 1 , Oct 1, 2011
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-30-11
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      It's the first day of fall, or as the Republicans call it, "the end of global warming." (Jay Leno)

      It's Friday morning. And Generalissimo Francisco Franco, the Atlanta Braves, and the Boston Red Sox are still dead. (Janice Hough)

      According to a new Bloomberg poll, the most popular politician in America today is Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, with an approval rating of 64 percent. Being the most popular politician in America today is like being the most popular herpes sufferer in the kissing booth. (Reeder & Ainsworth)

      Hallmark has launched a line of recession-themed cards that say, "Sorry you lost your job." The good news is, the cards come pre-addressed to your congressman. (Conan O'Brien)

      Police in London, Ontario, have charged a man for the banana-throwing incident at an NHL preseason game. The accused will face a heavy fine with no chance of a peel. (RJ Currie)

      Federal agents want to take more wood from the Gibson guitar company. Their heavy handed efforts have struck a wrong chord with the company which is getting amped up because they feel they are being picked on. (Jim Barach)

      It's been a rough week. It started with "Dancing with the Stars". Hope Solo, Chynna Phillips and Kristin Cavallari are all right there, and Nancy Grace is the one who has the wardrobe malfunction. OK, OK, yes, it could have been Chaz Bono. (Tim Hunter)

      Since October is National Vegetarian Month, I pledge to stop watching presidential candidate debates since the participants are full of bull. (Nancy Jo Perdue)

      A survey says that one in three CEOs expect to start hiring in the next six months. Not in their companies, just their personal chefs, valets and chauffeurs. (Jim Barach)

      REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES & DEBATES

      Did you see the Republican debate last night? It was brought to you by FOX and Google. I think that makes sense that they were working together because Google is what people go to, to fact check the bullshit that comes out of FOX. (Bill Maher)

      Since the debate was in Florida, it was tough to get an audience, because that's the time "Wheel of Fortune" is on. (Jay Leno)

      Herman Cain won the Republican straw poll in Florida. Cain has had more wins in Florida this year than the Miami Dolphins. (Jay Leno)

      Mitt Romney says he wants Sarah Palin to run for president to make the race "more exciting." Although with Mitt Romney running, even Al Gore on Ambien would make the race more exciting. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Quote from Mitt Romney today "We ought to provide help to the people who have been hurt most by the Obama economy. And that's the middle class, It's not those at the very low end; it's certainly not those at the very high end. It's for the great middle class � the 80 to 90 percent of us in this country." As Tonto said "Who's 'we', white man?" (Janice Hough)

      Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry today blasted President Obama�s decision to kill a terrorist in Yemen: �There are plenty of perfectly good people to execute right here in America.� (Andy Borowitz)

      Rick Perry did look dumb. I'm beginning to think that "Texas Miracle" was him getting out of high school. (Bill Maher)

      Rick Perry did so badly at the last debate, that President Obama turned to Michelle and said, "Honey, you can stop packing." (David Letterman)

      Perry sounded like a sixth grader who didn't do the reading � garbled syntax, messing up simple facts, sentences that went nowhere. Sarah Palin was watching and she said, 'If only he was black, I'd f**k him. (Bill Maher)

      President Obama is criticizing Rick Perry for denying global warming. Can understand why Rick Perry doesn't take global warming seriously. As governor of Texas, he's probably fried more people than global warming all put together. (Jay Leno)

      Perry said he didn't do well because he was exhausted. Sure, he's exhausted from executing all those people. (David Letterman)

      Larry Flynt is offering $1 million if someone came up with proof that Rick Perry had an illicit sexual liaison. But I say, Larry, really we don't have to do that. We already came up with a way to embarrass Rick Perry. It's called debates. (Bill Maher)

      Hustler's Larry Flynt offered a million dollar reward to anybody who can prove they had an illicit sexual relationship with Rick Perry. It's a service to the country. By now it's a proven fact that the U.S. economy does better when we have a president with sex scandals. (Argus Hamilton)

      Rick Perry says fellow conservatives 'have no heart', admits he has no brains, looks for someone with no courage to join Dorothy to find the Wizard. (Mario Mariotti)

      Mitt Romney came to New York to meet with Donald Trump. First thing, Trump asked to see Romney's birth certificate, and then they got down to business. (David Letterman)

      Herman Cain won a GOP straw poll in Florida Saturday as Mitt Romney won the GOP straw poll in Michigan. Ron Paul won the GOP straw poll in California. Nothing's going to be decided till they all ride a horse and we see which one looks most like Ronald Reagan. (Argus Hamilton)

      If you're keeping score at home, they have now applauded executions at the Republican debate, they have cheered letting an uninsured man die, and they booed an active duty U. S. serviceman for being gay. I don't know how you get to the right with this crowd but Ron Paul's new campaign ad is just the Rodney King beating to the sound of children laughing." (Bill Maher)

      Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul is condemning the Obama administration for killing an American born al-Qaida operative without a trial. Paul, says the killing of Anwar al-Awlaki on Yemeni soil amounts to an "assassination." Paul warned the American people not to casually accept such violence against U.S. citizens, even those with strong ties to terrorism. (Steve Peoples)

      Newt Gingrich suggests, "Marriage is between a man and woman, It has been for all of recorded history and I think this is a temporary aberration that will dissipate." Gingrich is himself an expert on the institution of marriage and its history. He is now on his third marriage, and he originally began seeing his current wife Callista by having an affair during his second marriage -- at the same time as he was pursuing the impeachment of President Bill Clinton over the Monica Lewinsky scandal. (Erik Kleefeld)

      Gov. Chris Christie keeps saying he's not running for president. On the other hand, he would consider running for Santa. (David Letterman)

      Palin's doppelganger, Michele Bachmann, was asked at the debate about the HPV vaccine, which she said was potentially dangerous. She said, 'I didn't make that claim, nor did I make that statement. Which she obviously did, we have it. It's one thing to say you don't believe in evolution, you don't believe in global warming. But videotape? You gotta believe in video tape. (Bill Maher)

      You gotta love Sarah Palin. She is now on her website asking her idiot fan base for donations for her to help make a decision about whether or not to run. She wants money now for just thinking? What a grifter. (Bill Maher)

      ANDY ROONEY

      Ninety-two year old Andy Rooney will bid his fans adieu on Sunday's edition of 60 Minutes after 1,096 "Visits From Andy Rooney" and three decades of complaining, kvetching, and harping about everything from gas prices to long lines at the DMV. Andy has been around for so long, when he was hired the stopwatch at the start of the show was a sun dial. No one can say he's not exiting stage right with class. He's donated his typewriter to the Smithsonian Museum and his eyebrows to Sy Sperling's Institute of Hair. (Bob Mills)

      This Sunday will mark the final appearance of "A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney." The 92 year-old commentator is retiring after appearing on the show since 1968 and doing over 1,000 shows, where he griped about every little annoyance from milk cartons to parking meters. Well, at least we finally know what the retirement age is at "60 Minutes." (Reeder & Ainsworth)

      Andy Rooney is stepping down from "60 Minutes." CBS announced that they'll be replacing him with Ashton Kutcher. Whoever they get to replace Andy will have some big eyebrows to fill. (Craig Ferguson)

      Andy Rooney will make his final appearance on CBS's "60 Minutes" show this Sunday. His eyebrows however plan to play Chewbacca in the stage version of "Star Wars". (Jerry Perisho)

      THE RED SOX & THE BRAVES

      The Braves lost five in a row to end the season. Was this the worst week in Atlanta history not involving Sherman? (Janice Hough)

      Boston hasn't seen so much choking since Albert DeSalvo. (Marc Ragovin)

      The Boston Red Sox experienced the worst September fall in baseball history; some experts are calling it downright Rick Perry-like. To give you an idea how bad it is, even Chicago Cubs fans feel sorry for the Red Sox. (Alex Kaseberg)

      And in Boston, at least the Patriots can rest easy. Their blowing a 21-0 lead in the fourth quarter last Sunday will now never be the most talked about sports collapse in town. (Janice Hough)

      Q: What fashion accessory figures to be this holiday season's most popular gag gift? A: Braves and Red Sox chokers. (Dwight Perry)

      Many are wondering if it was God's will that the Rays and Cardinals ended up in the playoffs. And God has allegedly replied "Don't pin this on me, I'm still trying to replace Peyton Manning on my fantasy football teams." (Janice Hough)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      A new poll says if he were a CEO, President Obama would be fired. Obama says he's okay with that as long as he gets the customary $100 million severance package. (Jake Novak)

      Pres. Obama's chief political advisor David Axelrod says Obama faces a "Titanic struggle" to get reelected. This fueled the rumor that Obama will dump Joe Biden and instead make his vice president Celine Dion.(Jerry Perisho)

      President Obama was heckled by a protestor who called him "The Antichrist." The protestor was detained, but released without being charged, and then later he was offered his own show on Fox News. (Jay Leno)

      Obama was heckled by someone who said, "Don't forget about medical marijuana." The Secret Service has narrowed the suspects down to everyone in L. A. (Conan O'Brien)

      Obama says he will be reforming "No Child Left Behind". That's not to be confused with Michelle Obama's childhood obesity campaign, "No Child Left With a Big Behind." (Jay Leno)

      Lady Gaga showed up at one of Pres. Obama's political fundraisers in the Silicon Valley. That's exciting, the most powerful person in the world meeting with the President. It cost $38,500 per couple to attend, or roughly what Lady Gaga pays her butcher to prepare her evening wear. (Jerry Perisho)

      If you donate $5 to President Obama's re-election fund, you have a chance to have dinner with him. The first lady will even come around and personally knock the dessert right out of your hand. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      President Obama was in San Diego and traffic was a huge mess. There was even a three-hour backup tunneling in from Mexico. (Jay Leno)

      THE CONGRESS

      Thanks to a deal in Congress, there will be no government shutdown and there will be no need for emergency votes on the Jewish New Year of Rosh Hashanah. That means Jewish Congressman will be able to blow the shofar and Barney Frank will be able to blow the chauffeur. (Jake Novak)

      North Carolina Governor Bev Perdue says congressional elections should be suspended until the country gets back on track. A better idea would be to suspend their paychecks until they do something to fix the economy. (Jim Barach)

      House Republicans yesterday released their draft budget proposal for labor, health, and human service, which in one fell swoop revives the assault on all their favorite bugaboos, including Planned Parenthood, National Public Radio, the National Labor Relations Board, and President Obama�s health care reform law. Perhaps most surprisingly for a party that claims to be focused on job creation, the GOP budget reduces funding for job training programs that give the unemployed the skills they need to find work in an ailing economy. The plan proposed by House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan (R-WI) � and approved by almost the entire GOP caucus � gutted federal job training funding by nearly 50 percent. (Marie Diamond)

      THE STATES

      So. Car. Deem. Gov. Bev Perdue suggested this week that Congress suspend its elections next year to concentrate on fixing the economy. While erdue claimed ishe was being sarcastic, Russ Limbaugh replied, "The next time they tell you how stupid Sarah Palin is or Michele Bachmann, just think back to this day and North Carolina Governor Beverly Perdue," (Rob Christensen & John Frank)

      Massachusetts has eliminated lifetime alimony requirements. So, if your spouse suddenly suggests you move to Boston, hire a private investigator. (Jake Novak)

      New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie vetoed a tax break for "Jersey Shore." The veto made Snooki so angry that she turned orange-red. (Conan O'Brien)

      4,200 California state prison inmates have been on a hunger strike since Monday. Now if they also take away their free cable TV and cell phones, they might find out what life is like for everyone in California who isn't in prison. (Jake Novak)

      An Indiana Republican state lawmaker reportedly arranged to meet a young man online and allegedly exposing himself when the pair subsequently met in person. E-mails suggest Republican Rep. Phillip Hinkle arranged to pay Kameryn Gibson up to $140 for "for a really good time." The Indianapolis Star published emails between Hinkle and Gibson detailing a plan for them to meet at a downtown Indianapolis hotel. The pair reportedly connected on Craigslist. Gibson indicated in a listing to which Hinkle responded that he is 20 years old. According to the Star, however, Gibson says he is actually just 18. Hinkle, who is 64 and was first elected in 2000, voted this spring for a constitutional gay marriage ban. (Huff Post)

      LOCAL NEWS

      Police in Los Angeles are looking for vandals who broke into the Obama campaign office. They said it was probably done by someone who was angry at the president. Well, that narrows it down. (Craig Ferguson)

      Someone smashed the windows in President Obama's L. A. campaign office. And today, Joe Biden said it was likely the work of vandals, and definitely not someone who forgot their key and had to go to the bathroom. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Several officials at the L. A. Coliseum are accused of charging the taxpayers for thousands of dollars worth of unnecessary fillups for their cars. But the Coliseum workers say they needed the gas to help bring dozens of USC football players to and from all their court appearances. (Jake Novak)

      A man in California shot his neighbor after the neighbor refused to redirect spotlights that were shining into the shooter's master bedroom. It wasn't the lights that pushed the guy over the edge -- it was those hand shadows of bunnies while he was trying to make love to his wife. (Bob Mills)

      5000 Utahans who ran through Salt Lake City in their briefs, knickers and bras are claiming they smashed the old record of 550. But Guinness may dispute it because some of the men wore shirts. I have no idea what the over/under is on that. (RJ Currie)

      Salt Lake City had three thousand protesters run in their underwear to protest what they call Utah's uptight laws, The new bar law requiring a divider between bartender and customer was the last straw. You shouldn't have to write your drink order on a piece of paper and push it into the cracks of a wall and pray that your drink request is answered. (Argus Hamilton)

      Four Manhattan subway stations now offer commuters free wi-fi. Could cost more than it's worth, though. Anyone who would get on a New York subway with a $2500 Apple laptop without a couple of $100 an hour, Blackwater-trained bodyguards is asking for it. (Bob Mills)

      A Montgomery Alabama judge gives convicted defendants a choice of jail, a fine or a promise to attend church services every Sunday. He views it as an accurate test of what's more popular -- conjugal visits, Alexander Hamilton or Jesus. (Bob Mills)

      U.S. POLITICS &. POLITICIANS

      What if Herman Cain was the Republican nominee and the first name of the Democratic candidate was Abel. What if they were brothers and their parents names were Adam and Eve and what if they lived in Eden North Carolina. (Jeremy Alperin)

      The Tea Party plans to convene its own debt-reduction "super-committee" meeting prior to the GOP's. It will be held at a Miami Beach Denny's at the suggestion of Michelle Bachman. Denny's is so grateful, they named a new breakfast after her -- The "Grand Slam Thank You Ma'am." (Bob Mills)

      The Tea Party announced they will hold their own debt reduction super-committee meeting at a Denny's in Florida this week. They're setting a great example. The surest way to lower the national deficit is to have the whole country eat at Denny's before five o'clock. (Argus Hamilton)

      TAXES

      President Barack Obama has called for $1.5 trillion in tax increases primarily on the wealthy. When Donald Trump heard this, he got so upset he nearly fell off of his pure gold toilet. (Alex Kaseberg)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Hallmark is selling unemployment sympathy cards. The worst part is they are being used by bosses to give to workers instead of pink slips. (Jim Barach)

      Hallmark rolled out a line of layoff cards Monday which allows you to console family members and friends who have lost their jobs. The cards are written to be humorous but sales so far are low. Nobody wants the cards unless they're in the shape of a money-holder. (Argus Hamilton)

      Bank of America recently cut 30,000 jobs, today they announced a new monthly $5 fee for debit cards. If corporations really are people they are making a lot of folks' in-laws look pretty good. Bank of America once used the slogan "Bank of Opportunity." Now they are thinking of changing it to "Because we can." (Janice Hough)

      Bank of America is going to charge a $5 a month fee for customers who use their debit card. Even the airlines think that�s going a bit too far. (Jim Barach)

      A factory in Americus, Georgia is making chopsticks and selling them to the Chinese. Taking coal to Newcastle, you say? Well, the Chinese have all of our money that pays for some of the tastiest food in the world. It's only fitting that we're allowed to help them eat it. (Bob Mills)

      A group of unpaid interns are suing a film company for not teaching them anything. The film company said they did teach them something: Show business is about screwing people over. (Conan O'Brien)

      CBS News has exposed several Indian tribes operating usurious loan companies online that are exempt from state or federal laws that control interest rates. Some loan contracts are so strict, they allow repayment only in rifles or firewater. (Bob Mills)

      The Census Bureau reports that 77% of commuters drive to work alone. Which is probably just as well. If they doubled up they'd have even more cash to squander on office collections for silly baby shower gifts, parties for retirees who'd rather just leave, and football pools that only the jocks in Shipping & Receiving ever win. (Bob Mills)

      The Friendly's restaurant chain may file for bankruptcy. It turns out serving only oversized burgers and ice cream sundaes kills profits faster than it kills people. (Jake Novak)

      SONY wants movie theaters to pay for 3D glasses for moviegoers. Apparently they don�t want to cover the extra fifty cent cost per pair of glasses. Although they have no problem jacking up the price two bucks when a movie is shown in 3D. (Jim Barach)

      TRANSPORTATION

      German scientists in Berlin have developed an automobile that operates itself without the aid of a human driver. Unfortunately, it quickly seems top adapt the bad habits of its owner. Already, one was pulled over and arrested for driving under the influence of WD-40. (Bob Mills)

      A committee says the government should help airlines pay for new equipment for improvements for air traffic controllers. If they want to improve air traffic controllers� performance, how much can a few alarm clocks cost? (Jim Barach)

      Leisha Hailey, who starred on the Showtime series The L Word, says that she and her girlfriend were escorted off of a Southwest flight for kissing each other. What made it worse is that from the jet to the terminal, there were three stops. (Tim Hunter)

      The first long-awaited Dreamliner has rolled off the Boeing assembly line, destined to join the fleet of All Nippon Airlines. The new aircraft features space-age technology and a completely re-configured cockpit with a tube that the pilot blows into and if he's not sober, the thing won't start. (Bob Mills)

      A woman airline passenger is suing Homeland Security because her Afro was searched at the Atlanta Airport. Their own fault. She probably wouldn't have objected if they hadn't used a pitchfork. (Bob Mills)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      The trial of Michael Jackson's physician, Dr. Conrad Murray, opened in Los Angeles Tuesday. Construction workers do not yet have the circus tent over the Criminal Courts Building. (Jerry Perisho)

      A Connecticut man was given probation for lewd acts because he blamed them on Viagra; he's lucky, otherwise he was facing a stiff sentence. (Alex Kaseberg)

      A couple on vacation in Colorado claimed they had no idea where $10 million worth of cocaine found in their rental car during a routine traffic stop came from. The name alone should have raised some suspicion -- "Across the Alley From the Alamo Car Rental"? (Bob Mills)

      A Wisconsin cemetery worker has been charged with stealing a guitar from a casket. Apparently the deceased was looking for an audition with the Grateful Dead, (Jim Barach)

      NASA & SPACE

      A defunct 6-and-a-half-ton climate satellite is scheduled to crash into Earth on Friday, though scientists can't tell exactly when or where just yet. I'm more concerned with that humongous scale they used to weigh the six-and-a-half-ton satellite. When that scale comes down we're going to be in a heap of trouble. (Panama Dan/The Onion)

      N.A.S.A. says they may never know where the satellite that crashed this week landed. They're planning to wait until it shows up on eBay. (Jay Leno)

      UNITED NATIONS & WORLD COURT

      President Obama addressed the U.N. General Assembly in New York Thursday where he assured the world that the U.S. remains strong. He began the speech by declaring that the U.S. dollar is sound. It always helps to get the crowd on your side by opening with a joke. (Argus Hamilton)

      The International Labor Organization says the global economy is facing a major jobs shortfall. Don't blame us, we've been sending you our jobs for the last 20 years. (Jay Leno)

      CANADA

      According to a new study, up to 25% of Canadians admit to looking online when what they are getting from their spouse isn't enough. The rest watch boxing. (RJ Currie)

      MEXICO

      The Mexican peso hit its lowest point since March of 2009. In fact, things got so bad, it was seen leaving a bar with the American dollar. (Jimmy Fallon)

      GREAT BRITAIN

      Britain is waging war on litter in London for the 2012 Olympics with new garbage cans that say thank you or sing when rubbish is put in. Think of it as trash talking. (RJ Currie)

      EUROPE

      Russia's finance minister Alexei Kudrin suddenly resigned Monday. Kudrin said he'd watched Sarah Palin do the same thing; he can see Alaska from his front porch. (Jerry Perisho)

      A Turkish morgue has reportedly installed motion-detecting alarms in hopes of seeing the dead coming back to life. In a related story, motion detectors were just removed from the Red Sox locker room. (RJ Currie)

      THE MIDDLE EAST

      A Saudi court sentenced a woman to ten lashes for driving a car without government permission. They have given her permission to text while being lashed.(Jerry Perisho)

      Starting in 2015, women in Saudi Arabia will be allowed to run for office. Of course, if you're caught voting for them, you'll get stoned to death, but it's progress. (Jay Leno)

      King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia decreed that women in that country will be allowed to vote in 2015. They are, however, still not allowed to drive and the men refuse to take them to the polling booths. (Jerry Perisho)

      Women in Saudi Arabia are finally being given the right to vote. Starting in 2015, women will have the right to go to the polls, fill out a ballot and vote for whomever their husband tells them to vote for! Women all over Saudi Arabia are thrilled. Excitement is written all over their faces, if you could see them underneath their veils. (Tim Hunter)

      The two American hikers have been released from Iran and they're trying to reintroduce them to American culture. Right now, they're in a screening room outside of Washington, going through Jennifer Aniston comedies. There was no communication for the two years they were captive. There were a couple of emails from Anthony Weiner, but that's it. (David Letterman)

      THE FAR EAST

      A town in China just canceled a dog-eating festival that has been a tradition for 600 years. Or as cats put it, "Uh oh!

      INDIA & THE SUBCONTINENT

      Pakistan warned the United States to stop the rhetoric against their country or "they will lose an ally." Pakistan could become an enemy harboring terrorists � as opposed to an ally harboring terrorists. (Jay Leno)

      SCIENCE

      Scientists have linked a vitamin B12 deficiency to a smaller brain. Researchers had trouble reaching subjects with tinier mental capacity. They had all gone to a NASCAR event. (Alan Ray)

      A Connecticut scientist has developed a way to track marijuana DNA allowing sellers to be traced through their buyers. This is great news for the DEA. This is not great news for the NCAA. (RJ Currie)

      When dolphins go to sleep, one side of their brain goes to sleep and one eye closes, and then they switch sides. It's the same technique I use when I interview Regis Philbin. (Craig Ferguson)
      HEALTH

      According to the Red Cross, obese people now outnumber the hungry. When told this, obese people said, "Hey, we're hungry too." (Conan O'Brien)

      A study says that doctors and patients are conflicted about alternative medicine. Doctors aren�t sure if they work and patients aren�t sure if they are covered by their insurance. (Jim Barach)

      SPORTS

      NBA commissioner David Stern said he may cancel the entire next season. A whole year without professional basketball, now the entire league will now how it feels to be an LA Clipper fan. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Another weekend of college football. The key to the LSU Tigers� success is speed. All of their backs and receivers can generally out run the police. (Alan Ray)

      The Oakland Raiders are off to a great start in the NFL season. What is the protocol for jumping into a Raiders home crowd after a touchdown? Always make sure you leave with your wallet. (Alan Ray)

      FC Barcelona have complained their new jerseys retain too much moisture which slows them down as play goes on. The Minnesota Vikings are trying the same excuse, but it doesn't hold water. (RJ Currie)

      The N.Y. Giants were warned by the NFL Tuesday to stop faking injuries during games to slow down their opponents. It looks bad. Whenever a Giants player goes down on the field he's surrounded by the team trainer, a violinist and three members of his acting class. (Argus Hamilton)

      If he coached in Canada, LSU's Les Miles would be known as Fewer Kilometers. (Bob Molinaro)

      The Golden State Warriors have hired Rick Welts, the first openly gay basketball executive, as their team president. To paraphrase Barry Goldwater's statement about the military, it apparently now doesn't matter if you're gay or straight, if you can put together a team that can shoot straight. (Janice Hough)

      An Orange County mom is accused of having sex with as many as three youths on her son's hockey team. Boy, talk about a hat trick. (Bill Littlejohn)

      Elephant polo -- yes, polo played atop pachyderms instead of ponies -- is gaining popularity in England. I can just picture Prince Charles playing, One elephant whispers to the other, "Get a load of the ears on that guy." (Brad Dickson)

      ATHLETES

      NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon has taken advantage of a new "Stimulus Package" program to employ inner-city youth by firing his professional pit crew, and replacing them with ex-gangbangers. This was inspired by a documentary on youths from street gangs removing sets of wheels from cars in less than 6 seconds. Gordon's pit crew could only do it in 8. At the first practice session, the inexperienced crew changed all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, and within 12 seconds had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower. (Author Unknown)

      Jose Reyes got a bunt hit in his first at-bat at Citi Field to raise his average to. 337, and was promptly pulled by Mets manager Terry Collins, apparently at Reyes' own request, to preserve his lead for the batting crown. Ted Williams must be spinning in his freezer. (Janice Hough)

      TMZ reported former Ravens cornerback Chris McAlister has been out of money for two years and lives in a basement. Hmm. Add 17 years and you have the Pittsburgh Pirates. (RJ Currie)

      Michael Vick says it is "100 percent" that he'll play this weekend against the SF 49ers. Well, at this point guess Vick doesn't want to be accused of dogging it. (Janice Hough)

      A new book claims former NBA star, Glen Rice, had a torrid one-night affair with then-sports-reporter, Sarah Palin. Rice is 6.8, Palin is 5.4, so he had a good sixteen inches on her. Plus he was a lot taller than her. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Mike Kafka, who replaced Michael Vick in the third quarter with Philadelphia leading Washington, threw two interceptions and the Eagles lost. I'm wondering if Kafka took the loss philosophically? (RJ Currie)

      Cincinnati Bengal Jerome Simpson is in trouble after a two pound bag of marijuana was overnighted from California to his home in Kentucky. He's got a real problem. The locals are upset by the public perception that California pot is higher quality than Kentucky pot. (Argus Hamilton)

      Al Unser, Jr. was arrested for DUI while driving 100 mph in a Suburban in New Mexico. Unser says he is embarrassed about the incident. Imagine being Al Unser, Jr. and being caught driving a Suburban. (Jim Barach)

      Anyone see TAG Heuer's new full-page ad featuring a watch worn by Maria Sharapova? Anyone see the watch? (RJ Currie)

      Long-distance swimmer Diana Nyad's third attempt to swim from Florida to Cuba was dashed after forty hours, thanks to life-threatening jellyfish stings. Not surprising since "nyad" is the Russian word for a Soviet cocktail made with brandy and white creme de menthe -- what we Americans call a "stinger. (Bob Mills)

      A Portuguese Man 'O War stung distance swimmer Diana Nyad and forced her to end her Cuba-to-Florida swim. In retaliation, Michele Bachmann immediately called for an end to diplomatic relations with Portugal.(Jerry Perisho)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      �The Lion King 3D� is tops at the box office. It�s a different kind of special effects. That object flying at your face is the 2 year old in the front row�s sippy cup. (Alan Ray)

      The new TV season has begun. The cast of CSI will investigate another horrific homicide, Nancy Grace�s dancing. (Alan Ray)

      The viewership of "Glee" is way down. Of course, that's because last week, most "Glee" fans became eligible to join the military. (Conan O'Brien)

      The new TV season begins. "Pan Am" is an ABC show about sex-crazed stewardesses for the now defunct airlines. Theirs was the original slogan 'flying united' (Alan Ray)

      Once the Queen of the Skies, Pan American World Airways is now the background for a TV series called "Pan Am." The trend toward using defunct American institutions as settings for TV shows may be catching on. The History Channel is working on two of them to be titled "Lehman Brothers" and "Morgan Stanley. (Bob Mills)

      After an amazing 40 years and 10,463 episodes, ABC's "All My Children" is leaving the air. Fittingly, its replacement will be a cooking show called "The Chew," designed especially to teach the average "All My Children" fan how to get used to wearing dentures. (Bob Mills)

      It's the second week of "Dancing With the Stars." I remember a time when the only place you could see celebrities dancing badly was at Larry King's wedding receptions. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Congratulations to "CSI: Miami." They're celebrating their 10th straight year pretending to be in Miami. (David Letterman)

      'Dream House' opens in theaters this week. A family moves into a haunted dwelling and realizes their worst nightmare. Those Jehovah's Witnesses won't stop coming to the door. (Alan Ray)

      ENTERTAINERS

      Kim Kardashian reportedly went bowling in New York dressed in skin-tight leather pants and a see-through top with an exposed lace bra. Male bowlers in attendance had a hard time keeping their mind out of the gutter. (RJ Currie)

      Tina Fey and Eva Longoria are the two highest paid TV actresses. Apparently Kim Kardashian wasn�t listed as she has never actually done any acting. (Jim Barach)

      Kate Middleton is taking a class on how to act more like a queen. The class is being taught by Sir Elton John. (Conan O'Brien)

      Nancy Grace had a nipple slip on Dancing With The Stars. The CBS eye teared up; the NBC peacock threw up.(Jerry Perisho)

      In sad news, rumor has it Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are going to split; he's enjoying the success of "Two and a Half Men" and she's enjoying being in the American Association of Retired Persons. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Arnold Schwarzenegger has commissioned an 8-foot bronze sculpture of himself. There's even going to be a maid in charge of polishing it. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Arnold Schwarzenegger has commissioned a sculptor to create seven larger-than-life statues of himself in a Speedo. So I guess he's taking the divorce well. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Arnold Schwarzenegger announced Friday that he's signed a book deal to write the story of his life. He can look back and be proud. He came to Hollywood forty years ago without a dime, and by the time he left the California governor's office nobody had a dime. (Argus Hamilton)

      Pat Boone told reporters he could tell President Obama's birth certificate was forged and Photoshopped. He's an expert. Hollywood actors pioneered the art of doctoring birth certificates long before Mexicans made the technology available to the general public. (Argus Hamilton)

      The woman famous for being George Clooney's ex-girlfriend was voted off "Dancing with the Stars" this week. Just when I had almost remembered her name. (Tim Hunter)

      Charlie Sheen was paid twenty-five million dollars Monday to settle his firing from Two and a Half Men. He'll also get paid a hundred and fifty million over eight years. If you give a drug addict in Los Angeles more than twenty-five million dollars at a time it could kill him. (Argus Hamilton)

      Actress Holly Madison has insured her breasts for $1 million, and her acting abilities for 5 bucks. (Jake Novak)

      Holly Madison has insured her breasts for $1 Million. Apparently she wants to have something to fall back on in case her career starts to sag. (Jim Barach)

      THE MEDIA

      Boston Red Sox fan, Conan O'Brien was understandably disappointed when the Tampa Bay Rays benefited from their historic disintegration to win the Wild Card playoff spot. So the comic wrote this Twitter message: "Remember, Red Sox fans, they still have to live in Tampa." After receiving many complaints, Coan responded, "I want to apologize to all the people of Tampa for my last tweet. I'm sure Tampa is a fine place to live, if you're a mosquito." Does he know what the word apology means? (Eric Deggins)

      Starting next Monday, talk show host Glenn Beck hopes to educate a young audience with his new children's program, "Liberty Treehouse". Beck said the one-hour program is intended to teach children aged eight through 14; and it's supposed to help parents share values "that go with the United States government in an entertaining sort of fashion." (Korva Coleman)

      OTHER CELEBRITIES

      Hackers invaded Scarlett Johansson's personal web site and have spread nude photos of her across the Internet. To add to her embarrassment, she took the photos herself with her cell phone. This has to be the worst thing to happen to a Scarlett since "Gone With the Wind". (Bob Mills)

      The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The man who invented Doritos passed away at the age of 97. Let that be a lesson, kids. Junk food will kill you. (Craig Ferguson)

      Arch West, the man who created Doritos, died last week at age 97. In tribute, Tim Lincecum lit a candle and three joints. (RJ Currie)

      Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg recently went hunting and killed a bison. Yeah, it was weird, because the bison's last words were, "I . . . hate . . . the new . . . Facebook layout!" (Jimmy Fallon)

      EDUCATION

      The University of New Hampshire has reversed a decision banning energy drinks from campus. Apparently they changed their minds when no students showed up for class before 2:00 in the afternoon. (Jim Barach)

      Despite lots and lots of spending Chicago public school reading scores are as bad as they were 20 years ago. The only group in Chicago that spends more money and gets less results are the Cubs. (Jake Novak)

      RELIGION

      Evangelist Pat Robertson on 700 Club broadcast said that the NASA satellite that plummeted to Earth did so because God thinks satellites are gay. "We have to remember that the heavens are where God lives. If we launch something into outer space that God thinks is gay, He's going to kick it right back to us." Robinson's remarks were abruptly cut short when a large piece of metal debris crashed through the roof of his TV studio and landed squarely on his head. (Andy Borowitz)

      Rev. Pat Robertson says that if more states legalize gay marriage, God will destroy America. Afterwards, gays will come in and do a beautiful renovation. (Conan O'Brien)

      A priest in Kolobrzeg, Poland, has opened a full-sized inflatable church. To air is human. (RJ Currie)

      CHARITIES

      To illustrate their similarity, P.E.T.A. is now integrating photos of animals being mistreated with scenes from well-known porno movies. For instance, scenes from "Deep Throat" are combined with shots showing where chefs get goose liver pate. (Bob Mills)

      HISTORY

      Monday is Johnny Appleseed's birthday. He was way ahead of his time; he spread his seed around more than today's average NBA star.(Jerry Perisho)

      On this date in 1542, explorer Juan Cabrillo discovered California. Although a newly-arrived foreigner, he immediately filed for and received welfare payments from the state. (Jerry Perisho)

      CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

      Last week, a 1965 Beatles concert contract sold at auction for $23,000. That bodes well for British Beatles fan, Barry Thomas, who paid 85 pounds ($131 US) at a 1980 auction for a roll of toilet paper rejected by the Beatles. The TP came with a letter of authenticity from an EMI manager, who confirmed that they refused to use it at Abbey Road Studios because it was too "hard and shiny" and the EMI Records logo was stamped on every sheet. He's been offered up to 1,000 pounds ($1,545) for a single sheet of it. My god! Can you imagine how much it would be worth if they'd actually used it! (Reeder & Ainsworth)

      In honor of the toilet paper The Beatles once rejected for being 'too hard and shiny' reportedly selling for $1,600 a square, their top five related hits:
      5. From Me to Loo;
      4. No Three-Ply;
      3.The Long and Winding Roll;
      2. Spool on the Hill;
      1. Bum Together. (RJ Currie)

      A study says that more youngsters are engaging in unsafe sex. Remember when unsafe sex meant not getting caught by her parents? (Jim Barach)

      By jumping into bed without expectations of long-term commitments, young women have "discounted" the price of sex. Research shows that 30 percent of young men's sexual relationships now involve no romance at all; they just get sex and give nothing in return. Men are getting more bang for their buck than ever. Ironically, what really costs men now is when women stop having sex with them and divorce them. (Reeder & Ainsworth)

      Research shows that 15-20 Million women in the U.S. pack guns -- mostly ones who are meeting guys for dates on Match.com. (Jim Barach)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...




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