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Puns of the Day: 11/01/00

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  • Stan Kegel
    Puns of the Day: 11/01/00 Happy All Saints Day PUNY Riddle Chain: Richard Nixon attempted to change horses in midstream. What broke his stride? Down by the
    Message 1 of 1 , Nov 1, 2000
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      Puns of the Day: 11/01/00 Happy All Saints Day

      PUNY Riddle Chain: Richard Nixon attempted to change horses in
      midstream. What broke his stride? Down by the mill house he broke into a
      water gait. (By Gary Hallock)

      Which state means "sick and bothered"? (Answer Tomorrow)

      A seminarian named Breeze
      Weighed down withn MA's and PhD's,
      Collapsed from the strain.
      Said his doctor: 'It's plain
      You are killing yourself by degrees.'
      (Syman Hirsch)

      Knock, Knock,
      Who’s there?
      Olive
      Olive who?
      Olive ya too, honey
      (Wayne Peterson)

      “Hey, hey, hey, I'm Barney Rubble,” (“Hey, hey, hey, I'm born a rebel,”
      Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, “Born a Rebel”) (David Trevas)

      "Don't go using matt emulsion, lay down some gloss on me." (“Don't go
      losing that emotion, lay all your love on me.” ABBA) (Jonathan Delaney)

      Lazy sailors look forward to chore leave. (Pun of the Day)

      At the Halloween dance they heard rhythm and boos. (Jumble)

      What did Samson die of? Fallen arches (Richard Lederer)

      What's the name of the movie about tree surgeons? Science of the Limbs
      (Gary Hallock)

      If famous explorer PUNce de Leon met the then-current Pope (the PUNtiff,
      of course!), what advice might he get? "Going on a long voyage? Always
      bring a PAIRonomasia...one is never enough." (Cynthia MacGregor)

      What room did the squirrel get at the hotel? The nutcracker’s suite.
      (James D. Ertner)

      Given enough rope, a husband will be tied up at the office. (Henny
      Youngman)

      As the band were getting their instruments in key she said to the
      audience that this was a Chinese folk song called "Too Ning". (Tiff Wimberly)

      How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to
      hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly
      colored earth moving equipment. (Lee Daniel Quinn)

      My wife says I should sign one of those organ donor cards. I asked why
      she thought I'd want my organs removed after I die. She said in life I'm
      disorganized, so why not in death, too? (Clynch Varnadore)

      Angry boy and his father: Mad lad and mad dad (Leopold Fechtner)

      When poker players have to fold, they feel a bit discarded. (Mike
      Bull)

      Is humble pie appease pudding? (Alan F. G. Lewis)

      Students at the Royal Plumbing Academy in Cairo were usually Pharoah's
      faucet majors. (Stan Kegel)

      I spent over $300 on doctors and medicine this month! Back home on that
      kind of money, you could be sick for two years! (The Oy Vey)

      "What do you call Santa Claus on Dec 26th? A beat Nick. (Pam Shorey)

      I dreamt I was a muffler under my Miata driving along the highway at 75
      MPH for 3 hours. When I woke up I was so exhausted! (Dan and Paula)

      A kindly doctor assures every patient, "This injection won't hurt a
      bit." Unfortunately, it's just an M.D. promise. (Bennett Cerf)

      Safe Sex used to mean put the car in park first. (Mike Avery)

      Financier: Young man, you've asked me for a dollar every morning for the
      last six months. Why don't you just hit me up for a hundred dollars and
      get it over with? Panhandler: It seems imprudent to put all one's begs
      in one ask it. (McNair and Hirsch)

      Well, I think I'll call it a day -- because after all, that's what it
      is. (Tom Sims)

      We’ve figured a way to spin this bigamy revelation, senator. We can say
      that you’re twice the family man your opponent is. (Bob Thaves)

      My grandfather always said the best advice he ever heard was to look
      before you leap. He thought it explained why there are so few blind
      pole-vaulters. (Foggie’s Funnies)

      I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
      section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose (George Carlin).

      After his death, Charles I became Charles the Martyr. He died for the
      good of his country, because his country was much better off after he
      was dead. (J. S.)

      Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there. (T. G. Browning)

      How much wood do you need to build a grand piano? At least a cord of
      two. (Louis Phillips)

      Wanted, a sunny forecast for the weekend. Don't try to cloud the issue!
      (Syman Hirsch)

      “What's the charge, officer? “ “Fragrancy, your Honor. He's been
      drinking perfume.” (Don Thorne)

      I'm voting for Bush because people with gun rights can get abortions
      easier than people with abortion rights can get guns. (Goatboy)

      What is a cat's way of keeping law & order? Claw Enforcement. (Petsberg)

      Adore: A thing with a knob (Leopold Fechtner)

      Darwinism: Survival of the fetus (Richard Lederer)

      Dyspupsia: Being sick as a dog. (Charlotte Richards)

      Music: When one of the nine muses is not feeling well (Jay Christie)

      Debate: De part of the campaign dat got hooks in it. (Johnny Hart)

      “I Almost Missed the Bus” by Justin Thyme (Neil Enns)

      "You're a real zero," said Tom naughtily. (Richard Lederer)

      "I believe that's Werner Heisenberg," Tom stated uncertainly. (Perfect Tommy)

      "I can't stop moving," Tom said, shiftily. (Lacey Smith)

      "How do you get this horse to stop?," asked Tom woefully. (Kegel
      Archives)


      Don't spook until you're spooken to. (Cynthia MacGregor)

      What's a nice ghoul like you doing in a burial place like this? (Ken Pinkham)

      The sun never rises on the roamin' vampire (Gary Hallock)

      President Clinton, without Monica now a "head"less hoarse man, is moving
      to New York State, thus creating a new legacy. The Legend of Creepy
      Hollow (Guy Ben Moshe)

      DIEmonds are a ghoul's best friend. (Tiff Wimberly)

      She holds great parties! Truly, she's the ghostess with the mostest!
      (Clynch Varnadore)

      Happy Halloween, Ghouls and Boo-ys (Norm Gilbert)

      A ghoul and his money are soon parted. ( Lars Hanson)

      She's like a demon in the rough. But, then, demons are a ghoul's best
      fiend. (Stan Kegel)

      The bats in this case wood slam higher
      The orb just in sport, not damn ire.
      Spooks, too, like to play ball,
      It's championship fall.
      Just hear the cries: "Kill the vampire!"
      (Cynthia MacGregor)

      They're taking a troll in old Dublin,
      And the cauldron is really a-bubblin'!
      They newt would come
      And each had some --
      The witch that you see is just goblin.
      ( Lars Hanson)

      The Bride of Frankenstein was a dish!
      And the lonely Monster got his wish.
      No more "solitaire"
      For now as a pair,
      They can play forever "ghoul fish"
      (Guy Ben Moshe)

      His ghoulfriend she wanted to borrow
      The key to his heart. To his sorrow
      She ripped the thing out
      Witch made the count shout
      "How can I re-spectre tomorrow?"
      (Gary Hallock)

      Now All Hallow's Eve is a fright!
      It's really the scariest night!
      But what makes me twitch,
      Is which witch is Witch?
      The answer might be the worst sight!
      (Clynch Varnadore)

      An Irish O'Lantern called Jack
      Would take all his visitors aback.
      His bright toothy grin
      Was always gobblin'
      Up shell outers who'd gone off the track.
      (Norm Gilbert)

      While making his Halloween rounds,
      A lad on a whorehouse door pounds
      The lad says, "Trick or treat."
      Madam says, "No way, sweet."
      You pay before entering on our grounds.
      (Ken Pinkham)

      Well the goblins and ghouls have all gone,
      And the night has begun to wear on,
      Now dont I look a fright,
      Having partied all night,
      I thank goodness for November one.
      (Bradley Williams)

      How does a ghost celebrate New Year's Eve?
      He paints the town dead! (Randall Woodman)

      Who digs the graves when the grave diggers go on strike?
      The skeleton crew!. (Laugh Your A** Off)

      What is a ghost's "golden rule"?
      "Boo unto others as you would have others boo unto you". (Randall Woodman)

      When a witch lands, where does she park?
      In a broom closet. (Laugh Your A** Off)

      Why don't ghosts like to go out in the rain?
      Because it dampens their spirits! (Randall Woodman)

      Why do witches fly on brooms?
      Because vacuum cleaners are too expensive! (Randall Woodman)

      How does a monster count to 33?
      On his fingers! (Randall Woodman)

      What did the detective say when he solved the case of the missing mummy?
      "Well, that one's about wrapped up!" (Randall Woodman)
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