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Puns of the Day: 8/1/00

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  • Stan Kegel
    Puns of the Day: 8/1/00 PUNY Riddle Chain: Why didn t the boy French egg think the girl French egg was interested in him? She acted Al-Oeuf. (Clynch
    Message 1 of 1 , Aug 1, 2000
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      Puns of the Day: 8/1/00

      PUNY Riddle Chain: Why didn't the boy French egg think the girl French
      egg was interested in him? She acted Al-Oeuf. (Clynch Varnadore)

      What do you call those after dinner candies that give you bright ideas?
      (Answer Tomorrow)

      In the old days it was "dinner at 8"
      But the guests always came late.
      Cocktails came first
      And were carefully nursed
      And finally, ATTENUATE.
      (Norm)

      The supermarket promotion limited quantities to one Easter HAMPER
      customer. (Alan Stillson)

      The programmer working on the data _(Part of House)_ to finish the job
      in three weeks, but it ended up taking a full month. (Answer Tomorrow)

      Musical Mondegreen from David Trevas: “A girl with colitis goes by” (A
      girl with kaleidoscope eyes” The Beatles “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds”)

      I bought some ceramic-ware and returned it. There was hair in the cups
      and bowls The saleswoman blamed the clay makers. I told her she was
      giving me a hairy potter story. (The International Save the Pun Foundation)

      Sign: "Please turn out the lights. Thanks a watt." (Pun of the Day)

      The starving artist had difficulty drawing a salary. (Jumble)

      Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining are merging to become Mine
      All Mine. (Quickies)

      Many cities and towns have community gardening programs that need a
      little more help to get off the ground. (Richard Lederer)

      Bathing Duck: Duck Soup that will earn high Marx. Viaduct? (Gary Hallock)

      Baseball names: Orioles: Dark part of breasts surrounding nipples
      (Cynthia MacGregor)

      The other day, I went to the local disco, and I showed the doorman my
      driver's license and one of the wheels off my car. He asked what the
      wheel was for. I said, "the guy on the radio said you were checking ID's
      and a tire." (Larry Jones)

      Did you hear about the guy who survived being struck by lightning? He
      was shocked! (Tara Kelley)

      A gossip is a person with a keen sense of rumor (The Pun Page Archives)

      If Dr, Joyce Brothers married one of the Smother Brothers, she would be
      Dr. Joyce Brothers Smothers. (A. M. H.)

      How do cattle rustlers like their eggs? Poached (James D. Ertner)

      One thing many people get fed up with is a reducing diet. (Henny
      Youngman)

      When a guillotine executioner is layed off he gets severance. (Mike Bull)

      Where do jellyfish get their jelly? From ocean currently (Yasha Harari)

      Which insect produces trash? The litterbug. (Teresa Corrigan)

      I bet on a horse at ten to one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
      (James Beard)

      If Tuesday Weld married Frederick March III she would be Tuesday March
      the 3rd. (Lady Jewels)

      Why couldn't the animals plays cards on the Ark? Because Noah was
      standing on the deck. Louis Phillips)

      Names: Ann Teak (Stan Kegel)

      When a woman talks about waiting for the "right time," she's not
      referring to a commercial break. (chucklebuns)

      Dan Quayle is getting his own bust at the Hall of Vice Presidents. Not
      the brightest guy. He went to Victoria's Secret to get a bra for his
      bust." (Andrew Wisot)

      A guy goes up to my friend and asks, "Can I talk to you about God?" She
      says, "Sure, what would you like to know?" (Emeril Laguesse)

      What did the pet store owner say when a groundhog escaped from his shop
      in the local shopping center? The woodchuck is in the mall. (Archives)

      We went to a very tough restaurant. They did have a special. 'All you
      can eat for $10. After two mouthsful, Vinnie came over and said, 'That's
      all you can eat!' (Syman Hirsch)

      The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get
      to prove it. (David Turner)

      “May I try on that dress in the window?” the gorgeous young woman asked
      the manager of the designer boutique. “Go ahead,” he replied. “Maybe
      it’ll attract some business.” (Harry Buck)

      What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? Hold my
      purse. (Francois Morency)

      Dr.: "Captain, how soon can you land?" Pilot: "I can't tell." Dr.: "You
      can tell me, I'm a doctor." (From Airplane, Via: Marsha in Texas)

      There are 25,000 sex phone lines for men in the United States but only 3
      for women. Apparently, when we want somebody to talk dirty and nasty to
      us we just go to work. (Felicia Michaels)

      Snake-UMMM: These prepackaged meat patties come in Rattler, Racer and
      Cobra. (Clynch Varnadore)

      "My pet frog died," Tom croaked. (Richard Lederer)

      "Your trousers have come apart!" was Tom's unseemly comment, which had
      us all in stitches. (Kegel Archives)

      "I'll have to dig another ditch around that castle," Tom sighed,
      remotely. (Dave Cable)

      “Fade Away” by Peter Out (By Ed Kotler)

      Flying Buttress: A lady butler on an airplane (Lee Daniel Quinn)

      Allegory: It's just like a crocodile! (Clynch Varnadore)

      Sandwich Spread: That which you get from eating between meals (Henny Youngman)

      Paradise: Crapshooting equipment. (Lars Hanson)

      Foul Ball: Dance for chickens. (Dano)

      Billboards: Litter on a stick. (Ed Hexter)

      Anacondom: A snake that's safe to be sucked in by. (Norm Gilbert)

      Gyn"ecological": Of or describing a natural woman. (Washington Post)

      Seems the Invisible man wanted to know where he came from. After he was
      hypnotized & regressed it was revealed that a man had gone to Copenhagen
      for a sex change operation. While there 'she' met a 'man' who used to be
      a woman. They fell in love and the Invisible man was born 9 months
      later. That's right! He had Transparents! (Kegel Archives)
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