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Weakly Humerus News 03-01-08

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-01-08 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Hillary Clinton still doing very well in one state: the state of denial. (Jay
    Message 1 of 1 , Mar 1, 2008
      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-01-08
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Hillary Clinton still doing very well in one state: the state of
      denial. (Jay Leno)

      According to a research, a big number of Americans are still reluctant
      to vote for minorities, which is bad news for blacks, women and
      Republicans. (Pedro Bartes)

      The House Commerce Committee tried to force pro sports to freeze
      athletes' blood and store it for future HGH testing. The
      administration opposes the idea, calling it unconstitutional.
      Republicans are constitutionally opposed to bleeding rich people.
      (Argus Hamilton)

      Roger Clemens faces a perjury probe today for denying steroid use to
      the House Oversight Committee. It seems a little harsh to charge him
      with lying to Congress. It's not like everybody believed him and
      invaded Iraq on the strength of what he said. (Argus Hamilton)

      What do you call somebody at a Ralph Nader campaign rally? Ralph
      Nader. That's the only one there. (Jay Leno)

      Well, you know who's thrilled that Nader is back in the race? John
      McCain. He's not the oldest guy anymore. (Jay Leno)

      Barack Obama was accused of plagiarizing words from another
      politician. He says it's no big deal, that the only thing we have to
      fear is fear itself and that in four score and seven years from now,
      who will remember? (Jim Barach)

      President Bush said that the economy was not in a recession, leading
      economists to conclude that the economy was in a recession. (Andy
      Borowitz)

      The Secret Service ordered Dallas police to stop screening people for
      weapons as they entered an arena for Barack Obama's speech Wednesday
      because the line was slow. There's no reason to worry. For crying out
      loud, it's Dallas, what could happen? (Argus Hamilton)

      Obama and Hillary argued last night over which candidate the
      Republicans are most afraid of. Interesting. I don't want to take
      sides here, but I think it's pretty obvious which candidate
      Republicans are most afraid of, John McCain. (Jay Leno)

      Several states are investigating Bud and Miller Brewing for
      caffeinated alcohol products. Apparently the drinks keep you just
      awake enough enough to get in your car and drive while drunk. (Jim
      Barach)

      FIDEL CASTRO

      This weekend, Fidel Castro, who is 81 years old, resigned from the
      presidency of Cuba and was replaced by his brother Raul, who is 76.
      Yeah, afterwards, Castro said, "I wanted to give the kid a
      chance" (Conan O'Brien)

      Fidel Castro's brother, Raul Castro has taken over in Cuba. He is a
      much better choice than Fidel's other brother, Tito. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Cuba's Parliament named Raul Castro president on Sunday. During his
      first speech Raul said that he's looking forward to leading Cuba to
      the 20th Century. (Pedro Bartes)

      Raul Castro took over the reins of power in Cuba Tuesday. Street
      parties broke out in Havana. The Cuban people are like the woman who
      enjoyed the happiest day of her life when she walked up to the altar,
      kissed her husband, and then closed the lid. (Argus Hamilton)

      Fidel Castro made it clear Tuesday he is not fading away. He said he
      is still commander in chief, he heads the party and he won't give up
      his newspaper column. Half the political prisoners in Cuba are editors
      who have tried to cancel his column. (Argus Hamilton)

      Miami's Hispanic population took to the streets last night to
      celebrate Fidel Castro temporarily stepping down from power. Way to go
      America! Our plan to slowly deteriorate his health over the course of
      50 years is working. (Stephen Colbert)

      President Bush said that in the event that Castro does die he has a
      plan in place to show the Cuban people there's a better way than the
      plan they're currently living under. Hey forget Cuba, how 'bout
      showing us that plan. I would love to see this plan. (Jay Leno)

      Fidel Castro says the night before he announced he was stepping down
      as President he promised himself a vacation. He's been on a sabbatical
      for 19 months, now he's going on vacation. Dick Clark works more.
      (Patrick Gorse)

      The people of Miami are celebrating tonight because Fidel Castro has
      temporarily stepped down. He had to undergo surgery so he's
      transferred his presidential power to his brother Jeb Castro. Actually
      Castro's brother's name is Raul. As soon as his brother Raul found out
      he was taking over, he turned his raft around and went back to Havana.
      (Jay Leno)

      Cuban dictator Fidel Castro has checked into the hospital and control
      of the country has been turned over to his brother. In a related story
      control of his beard has been turned over to ZZ Top. (Conan O'Brien)

      In a speech in Florida President Bush praised all the contributions
      Cubans have made to America: catching, hitting, outfielding,
      shortstop. These were all major, major contributions. (Jay Leno)

      And experts say Cuba's new communist leader, Raul Castro is more
      progressive than his brother, Fidel. In fact, in his acceptance
      speech, he pledged to lead Cuba into the year 1960. (Jay Leno)

      THE PRIMARIES & DEBATES

      Tonight in Cleveland, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are debating
      one another for the 20th time. Yeah, experts are calling it redundant,
      unnecessary, and the most exciting thing that ever happened in
      Cleveland. (Conan O'Brien)

      Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton had yet another Democratic debate
      last night. This time it was in Ohio. The big winner, of course, Fox's
      "American Idol." (Jay Leno)

      Now it's just down to Hillary and Barack Obama debating. There was
      trouble. At a one point handlers had to stop Bill from jumping into
      the ring with a chair. (David Letterman)

      Hillary criticized Obama so strongly that at one point he yelled at
      her. He just said, "Hey, easy, lady, we're not married" (David
      Letterman)

      Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama faced off again tonight in Cleveland
      for their final debate before the next debate, I think, before the
      primaries on March 4th in Ohio, Texas, Rhode Island and Vermont. This
      is the 17th presidential debate. One more and the country gets a free
      eight-inch sub. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      THE CANDIDATES

      Hillary Clinton cited a Saturday Night Live skit to complain that
      Barack Obama gets worshipful press coverage. Reporters missed her
      remarks. They were standing in line to get into a arena where Barack
      Obama was performing the blessing of the microphones. (Argus Hamilton)

      Here's kind of a crazy story. According to the New York Times, even
      though both of John McCain's parents are American citizens that were
      serving in the armed forces at the time, there could be a a
      constitutional argument that he can't be president, 'cause he wasn't
      born in this country. He was born in Panama. You know, as opposed to a
      child whose parents weren't citizens, came here illegally and had a
      kid. He could be president, no problem. (Jay Leno)

      Today, very strange development for John McCain. Have you heard about
      this? The New York Times just reported that John McCain may be
      constitutionally barred from becoming president because he was born
      outside the United States in the Panama Canal Zone. When he heard
      this, McCain said, "That's ridiculous. When I was born, there was no
      Panama Canal." (Conan O'Brien)

      Some people are questioning the legality of McCain's candidacy because
      he was born in the Panama Canal. Fortunately for McCain, when he was
      born, the continent had not been divided into countries yet (Pedro
      Bartes)

      Mike Huckabee is said to be very frustrated, because McCain is
      refusing to give him the chance to debate again. According to the
      McCain's campaign, they are actually being considerate because they
      know how hard Huckabee fought to lose weight and cameras usually add
      10 lbs or more. (Pedro Bartes)

      Hillary Clinton on Tuesday found herself barely holding on in the
      polls in Texas, slightly leading in Ohio and just ahead in
      Pennsylvania, and she must win all three or she's finished. No wonder
      the turnout has been so good. Hollywood has known for a hundred years
      that nothing draws a crowd like tying a blonde to the railroad tracks.
      (Argus Hamilton)

      Barack Obama's church faces an IRS probe for letting him make a
      political speech at the church's convention. No problem. The church
      has a million hours of cable news footage to prove he is Jesus, so
      they will have no trouble proving it was just a business trip. (Argus
      Hamilton)

      I'm sure you've heard this story by now. The New York Times alleges
      that John McCain had an inappropriate relationship with a young female
      lobbyist. I haven't seen McCain this angry since Matlock was canceled.
      (Jay Leno)

      The Associated Press suggested the absence of an American flag pin on
      Barack Obama's jacket may indicate he's unpatriotic. Nothing that
      complex. How else can he avoid being mistaken for a family values,
      flag-wrapped Republican hypocrite? (Bob Mills)

      The New York Times did it again. Today they released a story
      suggesting Hillary was sleeping with Bill. There's only so much you
      can believe. (Jay Leno)

      Actually, political experts say that Mitt Romney has the No. 1 thing
      John McCain is looking for in a vice presidential candidate - an organ
      donor card. (Jay Leno)

      And former presidential candidate -- what's his name? Oh, Chris Dodd
      of Connecticut has given his endorsement to Barack Obama. Wow, you
      know what that means? Dozens of votes for Obama (Jay Leno)

      Panicking over the speed at which her campaign is imploding, aides of
      Hillary Clinton released a photo of Barack Obama dressed in
      traditional tribal garb during a 2006 visit to Kenya. Choosing the
      high road, Obama's aides decided not to release their photo of Bill
      wearing Monica Lewinsky's stained dress at a White House Christmas
      party. (Bob Mills)

      Political experts are now saying it's almost impossible for Hillary
      Clinton to win, and everyone is urging her to call it quits and go
      home to Bill. Except, of course, Bill. "Stay out there, honey!" (Jay
      Leno)

      In political news, John McCain got an unexpected bump last week from
      the New York Times. They ran a story about his ties to a lobbyist
      named Vicki Iseman. They hinted that he might have had an affair with
      her. Now it seems that instead of hurting his candidacy, it is helping
      his raise money because the Republican base is now rallying to his
      defense. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      John McCain refuses to take reports that he had an affair with a woman
      30 years his junior as a compliment. (Michael Feldman)

      As you know, last week the big rumor, according to the New York Times,
      is John McCain was allegedly sleeping with a a young, attractive
      lobbyist. Well, that story has pretty much gone away. In fact, the
      only one trying to keep it alive now? John McCain." (Jay Leno)

      They say this woman traveled around with McCain to his campaign stops
      and she also flew aboard his private jet. You know what they call a
      young woman who travels around with a 71-year-old man? A nurse! (Jay
      Leno)

      Barack Obama told Ellen DeGeneres that his poll percentages started to
      skyrocket after he danced on the comedienne's show. Apparently, white
      America felt safe to vote for someone that dances like them. (Pedro
      Bartes)

      There could be problems for Hillary Clinton. Apparently, there are 14
      states to go, and she only has 12 pantsuits left. (Jay Leno)

      Hillary Clinton's campaign is trying to embarrass Barack Obama. Have
      you seen this? They have circulated pictures of Obama wearing tribal
      dress. Obama wanted to strike back, but there are no pictures of
      Hillary wearing a dress. (Craig Ferguson)

      New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg now says he is definitely not a
      candidate for president... kind of like Ralph Nader. (Jake Novak)

      Republicans will do everything possible to keep Hillary Clinton out of
      the White House. It's nothing personal -- it's just -- she's a woman.
      Republicans are afraid, if America ever elects a woman president,
      they'll never elect another man. (Joe Hickman)

      Former President George H.W. Bush will endorse Senator John McCain for
      president. They have been close friends since the Civil War and the
      former president says that John McCain is the only candidate who has
      the strength, the leadership and the vision to dig America out of this
      giant hole his son has put us in. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Barack Obama cried foul Monday when a photograph surfaced of him in
      Kenya last year wearing a Muslim turban. The Clinton campaign has a
      distinct advantage in this field. All of Bill's scandals occurred just
      before the cell phone camera was invented. (Argus Hamilton)

      Barack Obama met off-camera Monday with Jewish leaders who wanted to
      hear his support for Israel. They're worried about his willingness to
      talk to Iran, his ties to Jimmy Carter advisors, and his endorsement
      by Louis Farrakhan. They wanted to remind him privately that if he's
      going to be Jesus, he has to remember he is Jewish. (Argus Hamilton)

      And my favorite candidate, Ralph Nader, announced he's running for
      president! Oh, I love Ralph. You know, you can't get rid of him. Every
      election year he pops up. He's like the herpes of presidential
      candidates. (Jay Leno)

      Ralph Nader announced he's running for president again. Immediately
      after the announcement, the guy sitting next to Nader on the park
      bench told him to shut up. (Conan O'Brien)

      Ralph Nader has announced he is for running president again. His
      announcement has filled millions of people with excitement and hope.
      And these people are called Republicans. (Craig Ferguson)

      Ralph Nader announced for president Sunday on NBC's Meet the Press. He
      cost Al Gore the presidency and today Al's got five hundred million
      dollars, an Oscar, and a Nobel Prize. William Shatner just asked Ralph
      Nader to run against him for the Emmy. (Argus Hamilton)

      Ralph Nader is running for president again. Nader says he's running
      for president again because the Democrats did not stop President Bush
      on the war in Iraq and on the tax cuts. Stop him? If Nader hadn't run,
      there wouldn't have been a President Bush. (Jay Leno)

      Ralph Nader launched his presidential bid on Meet the Press Sunday.
      Democrats had to shudder. Ralph Nader has such a reputation as a
      spoiler that U.S. agriculture officials have orders to shoot him on
      sight if they see him near a meat packing plant. (Argus Hamilton)

      Ralph Nader announced he's once again going to run for president.
      Nader says he's running 'cause he's tired of Mike Huckabee stealing
      all the "no chance in hell" votes (Conan O'Brien)

      Independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader selected Matt Gonzalez,
      a former member of the San Francisco Board of Supervisors, to be his
      running mate. That will increase his vote number 100% percent, to 2
      votes. (Pedro Bartes)

      Well, folks, the big news, Ralph Nader has chosen his running mate for
      president. You know who he picked? Matt Gonzalez! He chose Matt
      Gonzalez, 'cause Matt was the only guy that showed up at Ralph Nader's
      campaign rally. (Jay Leno)

      Earlier today, third-party presidential candidate Ralph Nader
      announced that his running mate is going to be a former city
      supervisor of San Francisco, Matt Gonzalez. This bold move will ensure
      that Nader gets the vote of Matt Gonzalez. He's secured. The precious
      Gonzalez vote. (Conan O'Brien)

      PRESIDENT BUSH

      During a press conference today, President Bush said the following. He
      said it's important we make the economy stronger so -- quote --
      "families can put money on their table." Yes, then Bush said that
      Americans should deposit food in their bank accounts. It was a good
      speech. I liked it. It's hard to top what he actually said. (Conan
      O'Brien)

      Southern Methodist University announced that they will be the home of
      George W. Bush's presidential library. This will be the first
      presidential library to be made up entirely of small, shiny objects.
      In fact, I understand right now, they're building a shelf for the
      book. (Jay Leno)

      President Bush's wife, Laura, was a librarian when they met. In fact,
      she's the only thing he ever checked out of a library. (Jay Leno)

      President Bush on Monday lobbied again for an intelligence law
      allowing government eavesdropping on phone calls and e-mails. Congress
      was surprised. They thought he was still in Africa. Hey, wishful
      thinking is better than none at all. (Joe Hickman)

      President Bush said today that he is very concerned about the
      acceleration of hostilities in the former Yugoslavia. See, again, I
      don't think President Bush is really familiar with this region of the
      world. Like, he said today that violence in Serbia could spread to
      Suburbia and claim the lives of millions of Suburbanites. (Jay Leno)

      President Bush enjoyed Africa so much he's trying to get Cheney to buy
      it for him. "C'mon, Dick! Lotta great places to hunt with no New York
      Times bureau. Hunt free anytime. Shoot anybody you want." (Joe Hickman)

      THE CONGRESS

      You all know Senator Larry Craig, America's favorite restroom
      enthusiast, we call him. He announced he is taking applications for
      summer interns to work in his office. All interviews will be conducted
      in stall number three, I believe. You just wait and he'll push some
      papers under the door. (Jay Leno)

      Senator Larry Craig has announced that he's accepting applications for
      a summer internship. That's true. Applicants should be comfortable
      with Word, Excel, and gay sex in the men's room (Conan O'Brien)

      THE COURTS

      The Supreme Court heard arguments Wednesday on the Exxon Valdez oil
      spill caused by pilot Joseph Hazelwood eighteen years ago in Alaska.
      What a mess. To this day no speaker can follow him at AA meetings when
      he details the damage done by his drinking. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE STATES

      This week in Sacramento, Mexican President Felipe Calderon spoke to
      California lawmakers. And out of force of habit, they gave him a
      driver's license. (Jay Leno)

      LOCAL NEWS

      Former Newark, New Jersey, Mayor Sharpe James arrived in court today
      for the first of two federal corruption trials. If found guilty,
      Sharpe James could get ten years in prison or 20 more years in Newark.
      (Conan O'Brien)

      Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa on Tuesday signed one of the nation's
      toughest laws on pet sterilization, requiring most dogs and cats to be
      spayed or neutered by the time they are 4 months old. Some people in
      LA think he should start with himself. (Pedro Bartes)

      On Monday, the city of Arlington, Oregon voted 142 to 139 to fire its
      mayor for posting pictures of herself in underwear on myspace.
      Clearly, those 142 people that voted against her were the ones she
      rejected as myspace friends (Pedro Bartes)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      According to a new report, the U.S. ranks as the world's No. 1
      incarcerator, with over 2.3 million people in U.S. prisons or jails at
      the beginning of 2008. Fortunately, that number will drastically
      decline when Bush pardons all his friends before leaving office.
      (Pedro Bartes)

      TERRORISM

      Al Qaeda's second-in-command, Ayman al-Zawahiri, vowed revenge on
      Wednesday for the killing last month of top al Qaeda leader Abu Laith
      al-libi. He says he doesn't know what they'll do, but al-Libi's
      brother, Abu Shecky ad-Libi, would improvise something. (Patrick Gorse)

      SECURITY

      An interrogator at Guantanamo Bay Prison says he stands by
      interrogation techniques used there. He says it is a "thankless job".
      What did he expect? Who thanks someone for torturing them? The
      interrogator says that "casual questioning" and not torture was the
      norm. Casual questioning means suspects were waterboarded while
      wearing jeans. (Jim Barach)

      THE ECONOMY & TAXES

      Well, this is depressing. Oil is now over $100 a barrel. Experts say
      gas could reach $4 a gallon, yeah. I believe the experts are named
      Bush and Cheney. (Jay Leno)

      Oil finally closed above $100 a barrel. With that, Dick Cheney
      announced "My work here is done." (Jim Barach)

      Foreclosed homes across the country are being lived in by homeless
      people. Of course, the homeless are pretty much the former owners who
      had subprime mortgages. (Jim Barach)

      I don't think President Bush really understands the impact this has on
      the average American. Like, today, when they told him people would be
      paying $4 a gallon, he said, "Why don't folks just buy half a gallon,
      and then with the money you save, you can buy the other half?" (Jay
      Leno)

      President Bush declared Thursday the U. S. is not headed for
      recession. He also said Roger Clemmons has never eaten sweets, and he
      and his Republican buddies are starting a fund to buy artificial
      flippers for paraplegic sea turtles. In other words, he's drinking
      again. (Joe Hickman)

      Consumer confidence plunged on Tuesday, the wholesale inflation rate
      soared, the number of homes being foreclosed jumped, home prices fell
      sharply and a report predicts big increases in health care costs. As
      usual, Republicans blamed high interest rates on the New York Times.
      (Joe Hickman)

      IRAQ

      The Iraqi medical system is reportedly on the brink of collapse
      because of the war. In other words, they are becoming more like the
      U.S. every day. (Jim Barach)

      ENGLAND & GREAT BRITAIN

      Here's a story that was leaked to the press today. You know, Prince
      Harry, God bless him, serving his country. He's in Afghanistan on the
      front lines and he's been there before. Of course, it's been a huge
      secret. But he's been serving on the front lines in Afghanistan. Of
      course, President Bush was stunned when he heard this, and he said,
      "His dad couldn't get him out of it?" (Jay Leno)

      FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

      The Italian court ruled Tuesday that touching your crotch in public is
      considered against public decency and it is a finable offense. "That's
      why I touch somebody else's," said Larry Craig. (Pedro Bartes)

      RUSSIA & EASTERN EUROPE

      The province of Kosovo on Sunday declared independence from Serbia,
      prompting Hillary Clinton to ask, "So, who gets those
      delegates?" (Bill Maher)

      INDIA & THE SUBCONTINENT

      President Bush expressed support for Pakistani President Pervez
      Musharraf, telling reporters, "Just because somebody didn't get the
      most votes doesn't mean he shouldn't be president." (Andy Borowitz)

      SCIENCE & HEALTH

      British scientists are now conducting new tests on the Shroud of
      Turin. ... They're trying to pinpoint exactly how old it is. They say
      if these tests are successful, one day they might be able too
      determine the exact age of John McCain. (Jay Leno)

      A study says cell phones may cause tumors in the salivary gland.
      There's no more sure way to get your wife suspicious than when you
      start salivating when you use your cell phone. (Jim Barach)

      Scientists at the Cleveland Clinic Foundation reported in the Journal
      Fertility and Sterility that men who use cell phones four or more
      hours daily have reduced sperm counts. Nokia immediately came out
      with their new "One Night Stand" model which they're advertising as a
      male birth control device. (Bob Mills)

      U.S. health officials say the U.S. is better prepared for a flu
      pandemic, bio terror attack or other emergency than ever before. As
      long as for most Americans it doesn't include a doctor's visit. (Jim
      Barach)

      THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

      Southern California surfers enjoyed fifteen-foot waves after a
      monstrous storm off the Pacific on Monday. One surfer was reported
      missing. He was filling up his car at the Chevron station in Malibu
      and he got pulled under by four dollars a gallon. (Argus Hamilton)

      SPORTS

      Bret Favre will return to Green Bay for an 18th season. His numbers in
      2007 were impressive. The last man this old to attempt that many
      passes was John McCain on a lobbyist jet. (Alan Ray)

      The New England Patriots were reported Friday to have been secretly
      videotaping other teams for six years. The tapes were destroyed. The
      last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl, the neighbors complained
      about the loud party at the Nixon Library. (Argus Hamilton)

      Reggie Bush blew off his deposition in San Diego Monday in the civil
      suit that alleged he took money and a house while he played football
      at USC. The NCAA still hasn't punished USC. If this infraction had
      been committed by Oklahoma or by the Clintons, they would have already
      had to forfeit every victory in the last twenty years. (Argus Hamilton)

      Harry Caray's bar in Chicago invited fans to share a one-hundred-
      gallon mug of beer Friday to mark the one hundred years since the Cubs
      won the World Series. So you see the problem. Chicagoans fight a flu
      epidemic the same way they play baseball. (Argus Hamilton)

      Roger Clemens may have attended a party at Jose Canseco's home which
      he had hotly denied attending. A photo of him at the party taken by an
      eleven-year-old boy has surfaced. If Hillary was president, children
      wouldn't have to sell tabloid photos to pay for college. (Argus
      Hamilton)

      St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony La Russa tried and failed to get the
      team brass to sign Barry Bonds. He once managed Mark McGwire and Jose
      Canseco. Tony LaRussa has a master's degree in law and a doctorate who
      will inject anyone, no questions asked. (Argus Hamilton)

      Spring training is becoming big business with Major League Baseball
      teams making lots of money on meaningless games. Or as the Dodgers
      call it, the "regular season". (Jim Barach)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      "Semi-Pro" is out in theaters this weekend. Will Ferrell is a goofy,
      hack basketball player on a lethargic team. To prep for the role, he
      trained with the Knicks.(Alan Ray)

      The Black Crowes blasted Maxim Magazine for printing a review of their
      latest CD before even hearing it. Maxim defended itself, saying they
      don't need to listen to a Britney Spears' CD before knowing what they
      think of it. (Jim Barach)

      ENTERTAINMENT - THE OSCARS

      Academy Awards on Sunday. Side effects include nausea, stomach pains,
      and sexual dysfunction. Academy Awards is like a flight on Jet Blue.
      You sit there for six hours hoping it will take off. (David Letterman)

      You all enjoy the Academy Awards last night? I thought Jon Stewart did
      a great job. You know, the Oscars are broadcast in over 100 different
      countries, three of which actually like us. (Jay Leno)

      All of the top Oscars went to foreign actors. They had to, all the
      American actors were in rehab. (Alex Kaseberg)

      You know what's amazing? All the acting Oscars went to foreigners.
      Foreigners won everything. In fact, today Lou Dobbs called for a 10-
      foot fence to be built around Hollywood. (Jay Leno)

      The Academy Award nominees for Best Actor on Sunday were actors who
      played an assassin, a gangster, a bank robber, an attorney and an oil
      man. This year all the bad guys are white males. It's what the
      Democratic Party calls the tide of history. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Academy Awards ceremony aired live from Hollywood Sunday. The
      winners were careful onstage. Five years ago Michael Moore predicted
      that Saddam Hussein had no weapons of mass destruction, now everyone
      bugs him about what stocks they should pick. (Argus Hamilton)

      It's official. Sunday's Oscar telecast was an all-time ratings loser.
      Nobody watched that show. Even Stevie Wonder who was in the Kodak
      Theater said he lined the inside of his Ray-Bans with masking tape.
      (Patrick Gorse)

      The Nielson ratings for the Academy Awards telecast were the lowest in
      the history of the event. Turned out to be No Country for Viewers --
      Old or Young. (Bob Mills)

      Former exotic dancer Diablo Cody won an Academy Award for writing
      “Juno.” That is amazing, she was able to write a screen play in
      between lap dancing and studying for medical school. (Alex Kaseberg)

      This just in, ladies and gentlemen, Barack Obama says he has a plan
      for getting us out of the Academy Awards. The show was very long. And
      I always think it takes a lot of nerve for a show that's four and a
      half hours to give an award for editing. I mean, the thing was so long
      and so dull, I thought I was hosting. (David Letterman)

      THE MEDIA

      On Bill O'Reilly's show on Fox, Bill O'Reilly does a segment he calls
      "Pinhead or Patriot." And today President Bush said, "Well, why can't
      you be both?" (Jay Leno)

      CELEBRITIES

      Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch will be put up for public sale
      unless he pays the more than $24 million he still owes on the
      property. Reportedly, Osama bin Laden wants to buy the ranch. He heard
      it was a good place to exploit children. Of course, he'll have to
      outbid America's breweries. (Joe Hickman)

      Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch in Los Olivos, CA will be auctioned
      off to satisfy the $245 million he still owes on it. The successful
      bidder will receive the ranch house, the outbuildings, the carrousel
      and three slightly used, one-size-fits-all noses. (Bob Mills)

      Michael Jackson reportedly got a loan Wednesday to avoid foreclosure
      on Neverland Ranch in Santa Barbara. It has outlived its usefulness.
      After all the publicity that the house has gotten, there's no way the
      neighbors still think it's a junior high. (Argus Hamilton)

      Madonna has finally announced a name and release date for her upcoming
      album. It'll be called "Hard Candy" and like her latest albums it'll
      be hard to swallow. (Pedro Bartes)

      Jennifer Lopez was offered six million dollars by People magazine for
      the first picture of her new twins. No one's surprised the photo is
      worth six million dollars. What no one could believe is that she was
      willing to dress up her babies as Marilyn Monroe. (Argus Hamilton)

      Academy Award winner Tilda Swinton told reporters backstage Sunday she
      has two boyfriends in her life. She lives with both of them under one
      roof. It's perfectly legal in California as long as you pay a twenty-
      five dollar fee for the extra baggage. (Argus Hamilton)

      Oscar winner Tilda Swinton chose to attend the Oscar ceremony with her
      younger lover, while her husband, 68-year-old John Byrne, stayed at
      home in Scotland. People in Hollywood were outraged, because it is so
      inconsiderate to leave your husband alone, you should bring your
      lover, your husband, and his mistress as well. (Pedro Bartes)

      Gennifer Flowers said Monday she is going to sell the recordings of
      her phone conversations with Bill Clinton. She said there's historical
      interest in the tapes of a sitting American president talking to his
      mistress. It's of historical interest to young people who want to know
      what phone sex was like before there were chat rooms. (Argus Hamilton)

      L.A. mayor Villaraigosa's former mistress, Mirthala Salinas, sacked as
      a field reporter for Telemundo when their relationship came to light,
      has landed a job at a Spanish language radio station. Though refusing
      to comment on her affair with the married politico, the name of her
      new show seems telling: "Good Morning, Antonio!" (Bob Mills)

      Priscilla Presley will appear on "Dancing With The Stars". Hey, let's
      not forget, Elvis had some great dance moves on stage. Although there
      was that incident -- towards the end of his career -- Elvis did a
      twirl -- injured five people on the front row with his belly. (Toms
      Lake Humor Company)

      RELIGION

      A new survey shows that nearly half of U.S. adults have abandoned
      religion altogether. The other half are currently worshipping Barack
      Obama. (Jake Novak)

      American are switching religions or leaving organized religion at an
      alarming rate says the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life. It's
      really getting pretty scary for the God business. For the first time
      in history, the New Orleans Saints have more fans than the original
      ones. (Bob Mills)

      EDUCATION

      Stanford will stop charging admission to students of parents who make
      less than $100,000 a year. In other words, everyone will be treated
      like an athlete. (Jim Barach)

      SMU is going to get the George W. Bush Presidential Library. The
      library could cost as much as $200 Million and will be located in a
      space formerly occupied by a phone booth. (Jim Barach)

      CULTURE

      According to a survey: The happiest people in the world live in
      Denmark. Danish people are so happy -- some Saturday nights the
      Norwegians have to knock on the border and tell them to hold down the
      noise. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

      Playboy will dive into the energy drink business with a concoction
      made from ginseng root, guarana, and damiana leaf. All of which Hef
      ingests in large amounts before sex and swears by (Bob Mills)

      A company called FortiFido has developed designer spring water bottled
      especially for dogs that comes in three flavors -- Old Shoe, Kitty Doo-
      Doo and Toilet. (Bob Mills)

      HISTORY

      Actual strands of George Washington's hair have fetched nearly $17,000
      at an auction. Did you know there are close to one thousand fully
      documented strands of President George Washington's hair still in
      existence? That's twice as many as Vice President Cheney. (Patrick Gorse

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Responding to complaints from the Palestinians, Hasbro apologized and
      withdrew ?Jerusalem, Israel? from its list of cities to be used in
      their new World Edition Monopoly Game. Remaining, however, is a new
      penalty card that says "PAY $200 -- DO NOT PASS THE GOLAN
      HEIGHTS." (Bob Mills)

      A real estate agency in Englewood, FL is offering champagne limousine
      tours of homes with foreclosed mortgages along with instructions on
      snapping up someone else?s misfortune at bargain basement prices.
      "We're just responding to public demand. It's nothing personal," said
      Phil Carrion, V.P. in charge of Century 21?s new subsidiary "Vultures
      R Us.' (Bob Mills)

      Faced with declining sales an an economy that continues its downward
      spiral, Starbuck's will soon offer a regular cup of java for $1.
      Great if you don't mind using a cup with "Unhip Loser" printed on it.
      (Bob Mills)

      The Sharper Image has filed for bankruptcy. The company's CEO signed
      the papers with a $500 solid gold pen with a leather grip and GPS
      device and mp3 player. (Jim Barach)

      POLLS & STUDIES

      According to a Zogby Poll, Americans chose Denzel Washington to
      impersonate Obama in a movie, Martha Stewart to impersonate Hillary,
      and the Crypt Keeper to impersonate McCain. (Pedro Bartes)

      Researchers say the fear of internet sex predators is unjustified.
      They say your child is much more likely to be having sex with their
      teacher. (Jim Barach)

      AWARDS

      The Women's Media Foundation sought nominations this week for its
      Courage in Journalism award. That's easy. The bravest man in America
      is the one who woke up John McCain Monday with the news that all the
      major Academy Awards went to No Country for Old Men. (Argus Hamilton)
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