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Puns of the Day: 7-3-00

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  • Stan Kegel
    Puns of the Day: 7-3-00 The scientists at the soup factory were vying for the newly opened position of Chief Preservationist. They jammed the labs with new
    Message 1 of 1 , Jul 3, 2000
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      Puns of the Day: 7-3-00

      The scientists at the soup factory were vying for the newly opened
      position of "Chief Preservationist." They jammed the labs with new ideas
      for where preserves would best saved. The campaign was called, "CAN A DA
      DAY" (By Norm Gilbert)

      PUNY Riddle Chain: What kind of paneling is on the walls of the brothel?
      Naughty Pine (By Cynthia MacGregor)

      What day of the week is the favorite of the mythical character, Pan?
      (Answer Tomorrow)

      Tailors, whether alone or in teams,
      Favor a crease in slacks, they deems.
      But I'm telling you, honey
      Those lines are plain funny
      Pants would look nicer without, it seams.
      (By Guy Ben Moshe)

      What's the difference between a web-spinning bibliophile and a swift
      cyclist? A web-spinning bibliophile is a reading spider while a swift
      cyclist is speeding rider. (By Richard Lederer)

      What's the difference between rabbit periodicals and sacks of coins?
      (Answer Tomorrow)

      Rich clothing designers have deep pockets. (Pun of the Day)

      Customers said the butcher’s meet prices were all beefed up. (Jumble)

      Building a baseball field begins with a diamond in the rough. (Jumble)

      When the chicken was caught, he turned into a jail bird. (Jumble)

      Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive." (Quickies)

      Hard foiled eggs: Oeuf-kabobs (Gary Hallock)

      Mark Twain at one time was arrested but got off scot-free because the
      judge was in a good mood. He decided to offer Samuel Langhorne clemency.
      (Cynthia MacGregor)

      The Franklin Mint is coming out with the Battle of Elian Chess Set-every
      piece is a pawn. (Jay Leno)

      Dairy Farmer: "How do I love thee? Let me count the wheys.” (Scot Nelson)

      Caardiologist: “How do I love thee? With all my heart.” (Willard R. Espy)

      I arise early in the morning and go to my front door. I open the door
      and exclaim: "You are a day!" Then, having called it a day, I turn
      around and go back to bed. (Donna-Lynne)

      He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty
      double-crosser." (Cindy B.)

      No man is an Ireland. (Frank Morris)

      Noah’s wife asked, “Why are we going in circles?” He replied, “Because
      God said we should sail in an arc.” (P. C. Swanson)

      Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please? (E4Fun)

      With gas prices exceeding $2.40 per gallon in Chicago, area dealers are
      now installing kiosks shaped like noses, so you can pay through them.
      (Jokes Rule)

      A wise man never blows his knows. (Pythagoras Pentateuch)

      Save string while you're young - later on you'll have a ball. (Swezey)

      How do robins get in shape? They do worm-ups. (Teresa Corrigan)

      “You’ve lost an electron? Are you sure you’re all right?” “I’m
      positive.” (Bob Thaves)

      All you need to know about Wall Street is that it's the place where a
      drop in the unemployment rate is considered bad news. (Molly Ivins)

      "Coming next. News, weather, and sports in fifteen seconds." Promo by
      CITY-TV, Toronto (Bill McCray)

      He could always find the liquor bottle. He had a "fifth" sense. (Art.
      Moger)

      Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same
      lines.(Shirley Outen)

      The cruise director was the sire of many offspring borne by the members
      of his entertainment staff. He was a man who bred his cast upon the
      waters. (Norm Gilbert)

      An ornithologist I know claims that all too often the stork is held
      responsible for circumstances which might better be attributed to a
      lark. (Archives)

      Do autoparanoid schizophrenic agnostic dyslexic insomniacs lie awake at
      night wondering if they might be the dog that's out to get them? (Don Thorn)

      Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but
      eventually you find a hairstylist you like. (Jokes Rule)

      The Reverend Jesse Jackson has published a new book, entitled
      “Preachers Do More Than Lay People." (Dim Wit)

      Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to
      take home, too. (Don’s Travels)

      The first drinking establishment in Alaska was a polar bar. (Bruce H. G. Calder)

      Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. (Snicker)

      In Baltimore, there's a 60-year-old "Lady of the Night" listed in the
      Yellow Pages. In fact, she's the oldest trick in the book! (Dogbyte)

      Book Review: "Wore and Piece": Story of a tailor who patches elbows and
      knees. (Archives) .

      ”I Hate the Sun” by Gladys Knight (Archives)

      To err is human; to purr, feline (Rhonda)

      Subtract: An underground housing development. (Brandy Brandon)

      Shamble: Imitation male cow. (Wacky Definitions)

      Pandemonium: A housing development for pandas (Archives)

      Goblets: little sailors (Workman’s Pub)

      Juvenile: That stage in a child’s life when a youngster stops asking his
      parents where he came from and tells them where to go. (Lee Daniel Quinn)

      Liposuction: Letting the fat out of the bag. (M. Rose Pierce)

      Dom Perignon: A Mafia leader (John Nunley)

      "Who stole my thermal underwear?" Tom said coldly. (Jesse James)

      Corrections:

      As soon as I wake in the morn,
      My mind feels as if it's reborn.
      I pour out the puns
      One upon one, it's
      Like opening cans of bad corn.
      This limerick was by Scot Nelson.

      Gloria Estefan donated money for a new ambulance; they named it "Sick
      Transit Gloria"
      This was written by Pam Shorey.
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