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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-01-07 PART 1

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-01-07 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE PART 1 TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Monday is Labor Day. A lot of businesses are getting a head start on the
    Message 1 of 1 , Sep 1, 2007
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-01-07
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE
      PART 1
      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Monday is Labor Day. A lot of businesses are getting a head start on
      the holiday weekend. Major mortgage brokers will be foreclosing early
      on Friday. (Alan Ray)

      Alberto Gonzales is stepping down, but he can't recall why. (David
      Letterman)

      There is a tri-state area dog food recall. The tainted dog food will
      be rounded up and fed to Michael Vick. (David Letterman)

      Bush defended his use of wiretaps, although he acknowledges there are
      civil liberties concerns by the public. In fact, when he says "I hear
      what America is saying" you've got to take him literally. (Steve Tatum)

      Here's a sure sign summer's over: They're putting up Christmas
      decorations on Fifth Avenue. (David Letterman)

      The Big Mac is turning 40 years old. Ironically it has outlived most
      of the people who regularly eat Big Macs. (Jim Barach)

      The Democratic National Committee Saturday voided Florida's
      Democratic primary and stripped the state of its convention
      delegates. Florida will hold a primary but their votes won't count.
      That should get them in practice for the general election. (Argus
      Hamilton)

      Mobsters used to control pornography. Even the Mafia has been
      outsourced to the Internet. (Jim Barach)

      In the New York Sunday Times, they mixed up a picture of Iraq with a
      picture of New Orleans. This even confused the White House. They saw
      the picture and accidentally sent money to New Orleans. (Jay Leno)

      The Griffith Observatory in Los Angeles spotlighted the complete
      lunar eclipse that occurred Tuesday. North America went ten minutes
      without moonlight. When the light returned, the population of
      California, Arizona, New Mexico and Texas had doubled. (Argus Hamilton)

      At a political forum here in Hollywood last week, Hillary Clinton
      said she does not support gay marriage. In fact, she said she's not
      too crazy about straight marriage anymore either. (Jay Leno)

      Leona Helmsley left 12 million bucks to her dog, "Trouble."
      Ordinarily I wouldn't give a pug nickel for a Maltese, but in this
      dog-eat-dog world, you have to respect a dog with dough. Any mutt who
      is that well heeled should consider making some shrewd financial
      investments. Perhaps the dog could buy out Michael Vick's contract.
      (Gary Hallock)

      President Bush said the States may not pass bills giving health care
      insurance to poor children. What? Does he hope this will teach poor
      children to stop getting sick. (Jake Novak)

      Washington D.C. madam Debbie Palfrey bragged to reporters Wednesday
      about the broad extent of her escort service operation. She does it
      with the lobbyists who do it with the lawmakers who do it to the
      taxpayers who pay it to the IRS which seizes all her assets for back
      taxes. This is next year's winning act on America's Got Talent.
      (Argus Hamilton)

      LARRY CRAIG


      A lot of people are calling Senator Craig a hypocrite because he was
      a very vocal opponent of same-sex marriages. But to be fair, he has
      never come out publicly against anonymous gay bathroom sex. (Jay Leno)

      The Senate Ethics Committee said it will review the lewd conduct
      charges against Idaho Senator Larry Craig. The story that he'd been
      arrested for propositioning a man in an airport men's room was
      broadcast around the world Tuesday. It was the first good day Michael
      Vick's had in months. (Argus Hamilton)

      Idaho Sen. Larry Craig, a married, very anti-gay conservative
      Republican, was arrested by a plainclothes police officer for lewd
      conduct in a Minneapolis airport men's room. Today the senator's
      office said it was all a big misunderstanding. Apparently what
      happened was when the senator went in to use the restroom, he
      accidentally grabbed the wrong penis. (Jay Leno)

      What is it with all these gay Republican sex scandals? Remember the
      old days when a politician would just put his hand in your pockets to
      get your money. (Jay Leno)

      Needless to say, Senator Craig is also anti-gay marriage and gays in
      the military, which I think, shows he doesn't let his personal needs
      interfere with his work. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The Minneapolis police have released the taped interrogation of Craig
      by the arresting officer. Says Larry: "I'm a fairly wide guy... I
      tend to spread my legs when I lower my pants so I won't slide." Is it
      just me or does this remind you of "Deliverance"? (Bob Mills)

      So, another Republican senator is not gay and has never been gay.
      Kind of makes you wonder how many other Republicans are not gay and
      have never been gay. I wouldn't worry about it, but in red states,
      just don't go to the men's room. (Joe Hickman)

      Senator Larry Craig joins a growing list of GOP officeholders accused
      of gay sexual misconduct. Well, now we know why the Republicans are
      so against gay marriage; it would take all the fun out of dating.
      (Jake Novak)

      Senator Larry Craig says that police misconstrued his actions before
      arresting him for lewd behavior in a Minneapolis airport restroom.
      Craig, who had been working for Mitt Romney's presidential campaign,
      insists he was simply doing some "private polling." (Jake Novak)

      Several Republican leaders are now calling on disgraced Senator Larry
      Craig to resign, but most GOP lawmakers just want him to promise
      never to use the Senate men's room. (Jake Novak)

      How about that poor Senator Craig from Idaho? So he gets arrested in
      a men's room there at the airport in Minneapolis. And here's the deal
      now. He's now in Stage One of a political sex scandal: defiance.
      Stage Two: stepping down to spend more time with his family. Stage
      Three: "I'm gay and I'm proud!" (David Letterman)

      Senator Larry Craig declared he won't quit and he's not gay. And then
      Craig said "I'm sorry. I meant to say I won't quit being gay."(Conan
      O'Brien)

      Now there's more trouble for Senator Craig. First he's accused of
      soliciting gay sex at an airport. Now's he accused of soliciting gay
      sex at a train station. Craig denied the charges and said if you'll
      excuse me, I have to get ready for a big night at the bus terminal.
      (Conan O'Brien)

      The undercover police officer said the senator tried to reach under
      the stall to touch him, but the senator said, no, he wasn't trying to
      touch him, he was only trying to pick up a piece of paper off the
      floor. Who picks up paper off the floor in the men's room? I don't
      even like when my shoe laces touch the floor in the men's room. (Jay
      Leno)

      You know who I feel sorry for in this whole thing? The undercover
      cop. How'd you like to have that job. Sit in an airport bathroom all
      day, your pants around your ankles with a coffee and a donut waiting
      for guys to hit on you. (Jay Leno)

      Sen. Craig is married. Apparently he told his wife, don't worry about
      having dinner ready to me. I'm going to wolf down a hot dog at the
      airport. (Jay Leno)

      Sen. Craig said he made a mistake by pleading guilty. And I was
      thinking, maybe that was your second mistake. (David Letterman)

      Mitt Romney told CNN that he finds Craig "incredibly disappointing"
      but whether he'll demand his resignation, "I'll let him make that
      decision." Mitt does point out, though, that this probably puts him
      out of the running for his own planet that Mormons believe faithful
      spouses are awarded after death.

      In a taped interview released Thursday Senator Larry Craig admitted
      his foot bumped into the undercover police's foot in the other stall.
      The Senator said it was unintentional, he had a wide stance and was
      wearing his work clown shoes. (Pedro Bartes)

      Senator Larry Craig said the reason why he swiped his hand under the
      stall divider, placing his palm facing toward the ceiling didn't have
      any sexual connotation. He had just had a great body movement and
      felt like high-fiving somebody. (Pedro Bartes)

      The undercover cop that arrested Senator Larry Craig in a public
      washroom at the Minneapolis airport said that the senator tapped his
      right foot, then tapped his toes several times which are all signals
      associated with illicit bathroom sex. In other news, Ryan Seacrest
      has started taking tap dancing lessons with Savion Glover. (Pedro
      Bartes)

      Idaho Senator Larry Craig was arrested for soliciting sex in a men’s
      room and now his constituents are calling for Craig to resign.
      Apparently they want to wash their hands of Craig but they don’t want
      him in the bathroom when they do it. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Idaho Senator Larry Craig was arrested for soliciting sex in a men’s
      room. Craig just wants to put this incident past him and continue on
      in congress. At least I hope that’s what he meant when he said he
      wants to turn another page. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Idaho Senator Larry Craig was arrested for soliciting sex in a men’s
      room. Remember the good old Clinton years when sex scandals involved
      men with women? (Alex Kaseberg)

      More information is coming out about Idaho Republican Larry Craig’s
      arrest for lewd behavior in an airport men’s room. Apparently when
      they arrested Craig he yelled; “Hey, it’s mine and I can shake it as
      much as I want to.” (Alex Kaseberg)

      During a press conference Senator Larry Craig explained his arrest
      and said he touched the undercover cop's shoe under the stall because
      he has a wide stance and he's not gay. The senator added that it is
      not his fault that the stilettos he was wearing were so high. (Pedro
      Bartes)

      Christian Fundamentalist, former "Family Values" presidential
      candidate Gary Bower says "What's disturbing and disgusting is that
      Minneapolis police have to stake out men's rest rooms." He's a firm
      (excuse the pun) believer that fellatio should be performed in
      private... behind the pulpit if possible. (Bob Mills)

      "Dateline," the NBC newsmagazine which has scored big ratings for its
      "To Catch a Predator" investigations, announced today that it would
      introduce a new investigative series this fall, entitled "To Catch a
      Senator." At a press conference in New York, NBC News president Steve
      Capus said that "To Catch a Senator" would focus the "Dateline"
      investigation team's energies on "the number one menace in America
      today: pervy Republican senators." But even as NBC trumpeted its
      latest "Dateline" spin-off, industry insiders wondered whether there
      would be an adequate supply of sex-crazed senators to keep the
      program going for more than a few episodes. For his part, Mr. Capus
      brushed off such concerns, telling reporters, "As long as there are
      Republican senators out there who oppose gay marriage, there will
      always be plenty of pervs." (Andy Borowitz)

      Several prominent Republicans are calling on Sen. Larry Craig to
      resign. And a couple are asking for his phone number. (David Letterman)

      Sen. Larry Craig, who pled guilty to soliciting sex at an airport, is
      now being accused of having oral sex at a train station. When asked
      about it, Craig said, "What can I say? I love public
      transportation." (Conan O'Brien)

      Gay groups are calling Craig a hypocrite because Craig is a staunch
      opponent of gay marriage. Craig denied he's a hypocrite, saying,
      "Hey, I wasn't trying to marry the cop in the bathroom." (Conan O'Brien)

      You had the cop on one side. You know who was in the stall on the
      other side? Former New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey. If he just tapped
      his foot the other way, this whole thing could've had a happy ending.
      (Jay Leno)

      THE CANDIDATES

      Elizabeth Edwards is speaking out again. She says the problem with
      her husband's fund raising campaign is she can't make him black, and
      she can't make him a woman. That's the same problem with Michael
      Jackson's people. (Jay Leno)

      Fred Thompson said he's still testing the waters in his bid for the
      presidency. He's been testing the water for what, six months now? In
      fact, those aren't wrinkles on his face. He's starting to prune up.
      (Jay Leno)

      Earlier today, Fred Thompson who is a former star of Law & Order,
      confirmed with his supporters that he is running for president.
      Afterwards, Thompson promised to solve the crisis in Iraq by the end
      of the episode. (Conan O'Brien)

      Hillary Clinton allowed Friday that Republicans would get a boost if
      there was a terror attack before the election. It was friendly advice
      to al-Qaeda. You can attack and get Rudy or hold your fire and get
      the woman who forgave even Bill Clinton. (Argus Hamilton)

      John Edwards said Thursday that the Lincoln Bedroom won't be for sale
      when he's president. The trial lawyer is no paragon of ethics. John
      Edwards would ride in the first presidential motorcade in history
      where the limousine follows the ambulance. (Argus Hamilton)

      Senator Hillary Clinton campaigned in New Hampshire Thursday where
      she vowed to improve health care in America. One of her health care
      goals is for every American's medical records to be computerized. If
      you're worried about President Bush listening to your phone calls,
      just wait until Hillary can hack into your HIV status (Argus Hamilton)

      Bill Clinton's book Giving hits the bookstores Tuesday. He'll be on
      the road signing books for adoring women who line up for blocks to
      see him while his wife is in Iowa. Already all the other candidates
      are asking for equal time on 60 Minutes. (Argus Hamilton)

      Rudy Giuliani says he will kill the "marriage penalty" if he is
      elected president. No one knows about the marriage penalty like a man
      who has been divorced twice. (Jim Barach)

      Hillary Clinton says her high negative ratings may be a blessing. She
      says there is nothing left for the opposition to dig up about her.
      Has she never heard of Karl Rove? (Jim Barach)
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