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Puns of the Day: 5-1-00

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  • Stan Kegel
    Puns of the Day: 5-1-00 PUNY Riddle Chain: Why was Jack Dempsey called the King of the Heavyweights? He had a divine right. (By Stan Kegel) What Hollywood
    Message 1 of 1 , May 1 9:36 AM
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      Puns of the Day: 5-1-00

      PUNY Riddle Chain: Why was Jack Dempsey called the King of the
      Heavyweights? He had a divine right. (By Stan Kegel)

      What Hollywood cowboy could never quite make it to the round-up? (Answer Tomorrow)

      Some women stay single and others are the Marion kind. (Pun of the Day)

      Why do you call winter Musical Weather? Because if you don't C sharp,
      you'll B flat! (The Pun Page)

      A tuba player must be able to “carry” a tune. (Jumble)

      When the vase broke the twins gave Mom “double talk.” (Jumble)

      The watchmaker gave his apprentice a “timely” lesson. (Jumble)

      What single word might you say to Bo Derek that would really piss her
      off? Urinate (By Gary Hallock in The Placebo Page):

      The patient was bitten by a bat as he walked down the street on his
      thumb. (Richard Lederer)

      He went into the perfume business because it made a lot of [scents,
      sense, cents] (Gary Hallock)

      If a robin was perched on a limb of a felled tree, would it be a
      tim-bird? (Cynthia MacGregor)

      A Thai couple decided to tie the knot. The bride was employed by a
      company in Thailand called Tieland where her job was to tie ties. The
      groom played soccer for the Thai team who lead the league in tie games.
      (Ken Pinkham)

      Business Cards: Emile Zola - Jacuzzi Whirlpool Baths (Mary Ann Madden)

      Flea markets start from scratch. (Zdislav V. Kovarik)

      Between men and women there is a vas deferens (Bill Branch)

      Legendary blues guitarist Bo Diddley is suing Nike claiming it owes him
      royalties on thousands of sold T-shirts with his image on them. Nike
      feels it doesn’t owe Bo “diddley.” (Andrew Wisot)

      What do you call a Girl Guide in Belgium? A Brussels Scout? (David Coble)

      A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we
      don't serve food here." (Janelle Barker)

      The boss looks on me as a sort of consultant. He told me that when he
      wants my advise, he’ll ask for it. (Vern McLellon)

      She knelt as the choir sang the recessional, staring at the back of her
      boyfriend's head where he sat three pews in front of her, his arm around
      another girl. As she rose from the kneeler, the heel of her stilletto
      caught in the lower edge of her skirt. Said she, "Well, that's the end
      of (hem, him, hymn). (Dilligas)

      What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts. (PANews)

      Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while
      rubbing his stomach with his fist and says, "You know, I just ate my
      mother-in-law, and she still doesn't agree with me!" (G. S. Angel)

      An assemblage of wannabe Mozarts is a wolf gang. (Scott Nelson)

      Looking at pictures strung on a fence outside a castle, they are
      checking out the Moat's Art. (Pam Shorey)

      One of The Three Stooges was an amateur artist. His paintings were
      displayed in a gallery recently. A lot of people attended because they
      wanted to see Moe's art. (John Warren Hines)

      Then there was the Italian who finally got to sit at the head table. He
      proudly exclaimed to his wife, "Amadeus." (J. A. Cc.)

      What makes the Tower of Pisa lean? It never eats. (Eli Parsons)

      Doctors say that fatal diseases are the worst (Lee Daniel Quinn).

      Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry? They're
      afraid of flying off the handle! (Don Thorn)

      If a customs officer asks for your visa, don't say, "I have cash. Do you
      take that?" (Scott Adams)

      Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it? (Don Thorn)

      Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired. (Ed Hexter)

      The guillotine operator received a nice severance package. (Scot Nelson)

      “50 Years Together” by Annie Versary (Archives)

      “I have played the guitar so much that my fingers are blistered.” Tom
      fretted. (P. C. Swanson)

      Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
      (Aiken Drum)

      A cannibal enters the dining room aboard a luxury ocean liner. "Would
      you care for a menu?" the steward asked. "No, just bring me the
      passenger list." (Ed Hexter)

      "I've had enough of this papal bull", Tom said, Pius-ly.(CCHB000)

      Falsies: Delusions of glandeur. (M. Rose Pierce)

      Sitcom: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage (What yuppies
      turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay
      home with the kids) (Lorinda).

      Elderberry: An old grave digger. (Brandy Brandon)

      Old Timer: A senior citizen who can remember when you could get the
      landlord to fix anything by threatening to move. (Lee Daniel Quinn)



      We have had numerous requests to separate the adult oriented puns from
      those suited for the entire family.
      We will do so starting with this issue.



      ADULT PUNS

      Have you heard about the fellow who was delivering an outhouse? He had a
      good head on his shoulders. (Richard Lederer)

      Upon spotting a girl on a bike, we yell, "Does your mama know you pedal
      your ass around town?” (Clynch Varnadore)

      Why is President Clinton so reluctant to decide the fate of Elian
      Gonzalez? Because the last time he made a decision about where to put a
      Cuban, he was almost impeached. (Anom.)

      Said the fellow when he read there were at least 100,000 battered women
      in the USA annually, "Gee, I wish I'd known that sooner. All this time
      I've been having 'em plain." (Gill Krebs)

      Porno filmmaker: A crack photographer. (Richard Lederer)

      What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate? Miracle
      Whip (The Placebo Page)

      Then there was the couple that got married and was happy about the whole
      thing. He was happy about the hole, she was happy about the thing.
      (Aiken Drum)

      "I've been too fucking busy, and vice versa." (Dorothy Parker)
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