Adult Puns of the Day 05-01-06
- ADULT PUNS OF THE DAY 05-01-06
I ran into Jim at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with
the flu. I asked him how he was feeling. "I'm better, thanks. You
know, it was a wonderful experience." he replied. "Wonderful? How can
the flu be wonderful?" I asked in stunned disbelief. "Well, I learned
that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came
by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet
them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My
husband is home!"
A husband and wife are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while
they are in bed. The husband turns to the wife and says, "Do you want
to have sex?" "No." She answered. The husband asks, "Is that your
final answer?" "Yes." She replied. He says, "Then I'd like to phone a
The two newlywed couples spent their honeymoon at the Niagara Falls.
They occupied adjoining rooms, sat at the same table, and were
inseparable. One evening after dinner as they were returning to their
rooms, there was lightning and the lights went off. It was pitch
dark, and groping their way they made it to their rooms, and quietly
undressed. Jack a religious fellow knelt to pray. Just as he
completed his prayers, the lights came on that he saw that he was
with his friend's wife! He jumped up and dashed for the door. "Too
late to hurry now," said the girl "Joe never prays!"
A British company is developing computer chips that store music in
women's breast implants. A company spokesperson declares this a major
breakthrough, as women are always complaining about men staring at
their breasts without listening to them. (Eric Hodgson)
A drunk guy is sitting in a bar. There is a very buxom lady a few
seats down -- I'd estimate a 44DD bra. A fellow at the end of the bar
calls for a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the
bar. It hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them. The
bartender goes over, retrieves the glass and licks the beer off of
her breasts. This happens a couple more times. The next time, the
drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him! He's
laying on the floor and moans, "Why do you let the bartender do it?"
"Because he has a liquor license! You don't!"
What's another name for a zipper?
A Penis Fly Trap.
Did you hear about the new combination of Viagra and Doan's pills?
It's so the back won't peter out and the peter won't back out.
"Man, I'm dying to have sex in the worst way."
"Well, the worst way I know of is with my ex-wife."
Teepee: Urine produced by drinking too much tea. (Richard Lederer)
As an enlisted sailor, I don't feel that the Navy is advancing me in
rank fast enough, so I'm going to change my last name to Stains. My
guess is they would rather promote me than to have to refer to me as
Seaman Stains. (Brad Wilkerson from Ruminations)
If I had a dollar for every time my wife said no to sex, I probably
wouldn't have overdrawn our bank account on that hooker in Vegas.
(Brad Jones from Ruminations)
Have you heard about the new Home Cloning Kit? You open up the box
and there's one page of instructions. Actually, just one instruction:
"Go fuck yourself."
Nightingale: "What a randy midsummer frolic. But who is that with
Lady Gayle? Is it Sir Everready? Sir Chase? I can't tell who is the
NIGHTINGALE." (Cynthia MacGregor)
What should a guy do when her girlfriend forgets to take her birth
Give her a good tongue-lashing.
There once was a plumber from Leigh
Was plumbing a girl by the sea
Said the girl "Somebody's coming."
Said the plummer still plumbing
"If anyones coming it's me!"
This guy Chris gets a call from his buddy John one day, and John is
on the phone crying. Chris asks, "John, what's wrong? You sound
really upset." "Well," replies John, "my wife's been cheatin' on me."
"With who?" asks Chris. "The neighbor," replies John. "That damn
dirty slut!" says Chris. "Yeah," replies John, "you think I'm upset,
you should've heard how upset the neighbor's husband was."