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Humerus News 04-01-06

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  • Stan Kegel
    HUMERUS NEWS for 04-01-06 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE DAY Remember last week when Jessica Simpson declined to meet President Bush? She now says
    Message 1 of 1 , Apr 1, 2006
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      HUMERUS NEWS for 04-01-06
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE
      TOP QUOTES OF THE DAY

      Remember last week when Jessica Simpson declined to meet President
      Bush? She now says they have plans to sit down together and talk face-
      to-face. President Bush talking to Jessica Simpson? That should be a
      real no-brainer. (Jay Leno)

      Attempting to answer the calls within his own party to shake up his
      beleaguered administration, President George W. Bush today ousted the
      White House pastry chef and pronounced the shake-up complete. Mr.
      Bush, while declining to "play the blame game," indicated that after
      much consideration he had concluded that the White House pastry chef
      was at the root of most of the problems of his administration. While
      Mr. Bush said that firing the White House pastry chef would probably
      solve all of the problems plaguing his administration of late, he was
      not afraid to take future action if warranted. "I am fully prepared
      to fire the person who waters the plants around here," Mr. Bush said.
      (Andy Borowitz)

      This problem with illegal immigration is nothing new. In fact, the
      Indians had a special name for it. They called it "white
      people." (Jay Leno)

      [White House Chief of Staff] Andrew Card resigned. I know what you're
      thinking: Who would leave a dream job like that? Finally somebody in
      the White House has an exit strategy. (David Letterman)

      Here now a list of requirements for Dick Cheney's 'downtime suite':
      He wants bottled water. He wants decaffeinated coffee. He wants an
      ice bucket. He wants ammo. He wants his lights on. He wants the
      temperature at 68 degrees, The TV's must be tuned to Fox news. I was
      thinking, "My God, I wish they would have put this much preparation
      into the Iraqi War." (David Letterman)

      It's absolutely workable. Just think about Elian Gonzalez, how easy
      that was. Now just times that by 11 million. (Jon Stewart, on
      deporting illegal immigrants)

      President Bush said it's time for the people of Iraq to put together
      a functioning government. He said "it's time to shut her down and get
      governin'." Other presidents quote Lincoln and Roosevelt. Bush is the
      only one to quote Larry the Cable Guy. (Jay Leno)

      President Bush is in Mexico this week and while he's there, he's
      going to visit the ancient Mayan ruins. Apparently, Bush is trying to
      learn from his mistakes because today he promised that FEMA will help
      the Mayans rebuild. (Conan O'Brien)

      Now that its services are no longer used at Iraq's Abu Ghraib prison,
      the snarling dog that confronted prisoners has been hired by Fox News
      to substitute for Bill O'Reilly on his nights off. The network
      expects that the audience won't know the difference. (Scott Tatum)

      TODAY'S WEB SITES

      Capital Steps: Springtime for Liberals
      http://www.capsteps.com/sounds/hillary-springtime.mp3

      ANDREW CARD

      Andy Card resigned. Finally a Republican leaving Washington not in
      handcuffs. (Jay Leno)

      Andrew Card has spent the last five years managing the Bush White
      House as the ratings have steadily declined. Given that experience,
      today he was hired by NBC (Jay Leno)

      [Card] was talking with the president and he found himself in kind of
      a difficult situation. Bush gave him two choices: 1. He could resign
      or 2. He could go hunting with Cheney. (David Letterman)

      Andy Card has resigned as White House chief of staff. He was the one
      aide who was not afraid to bring Dubya bad news about evil doers:
      'Mr. President, Helen Thomas is in the room.' (Alan Ray) "

      PRESIDENT BUSH

      :President Bush is already stockpiling excuses. (David Letterman on
      the upcoming hurricane season)

      In a speech yesterday, President Bush told the Iraqi people to "get
      governin". Then he introduced his new speech writer, Larry the Cable
      Guy. (Conan O'Brien)

      The president does not like change in his personnel. He likes to keep
      the same people. I think he got this from having the same third grade
      teacher year after year. (Jay Leno)

      President Bush is in Cancun, the only president I know that takes
      Spring Break. (David Letterman)

      President Bush urged legal status for 11 million illegal aliens in
      the hopes that some of them will approve of the job he is doing as
      President. (Andy Borowitz)

      THE ADMINISTRATION

      Vice President Dick Cheney said yesterday Democrats are not competent
      to fight the war in Iraq -- coming from a guy who shot a bird and hit
      a lawyer. (Jay Leno)

      [The new White House Chief of Staff Joshua Bolten] been working in
      the White House for Bush's entire presidency, and for the last three
      years has been in charge of the Office of Management and Budget. In
      other words, [Bush] just gave a promotion to the guy who was in
      charge of our $9 trillion debt. You know what? I really think if you
      walked into a cabinet meeting and started hurling your feces at the
      wall, Bush would name a state after you. (Jon Stewart)

      Dick Cheney was killing them at the Radio and Television
      Correspondent’s Association dinner. No, really, he had a shot gun and
      he was killing them. (Alex Kaseberg)

      THE DEMOCRATS

      The Democrats said they have a plan to find the leader of al Qaeda.
      Find the leader of al Qaeda? They don't even have a plan to find the
      leader of the Democrats. (Jay Leno)

      Democrats released a national security statement Wednesday promising
      to eliminate Osama bin Laden if the voters give them control of
      Congress in November. They might be onto something. Republicans have
      tried everything but taxing him to death. (Argus Hamilton)

      Ted Kennedy promoted his immigration reform bill Sunday on CBS News.
      It would allow illegal aliens to pay a fine and back taxes to become
      legal U.S. residents. To Teddy Kennedy, the answer to every problem
      is a cover charge and two-drink minimum. (Argus Hamilton)

      Hillary Clinton held a seminar on Equity Pay for Women at Stony Brook
      University on Thursday. This is a family commitment. Bill Clinton
      promised better pay for women in the workplace, and if you count
      harassment settlements he really delivered. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE REPUBLICANS

      The president's mother, Barbara Bush, donated tax-deductible money to
      Katrina relief after the flood, and now we find out that it was with
      specific instructions that the money be spent for educational
      software owned by her son Neil. Because who can forget those tragic
      images of the poor black people on the rooftop in New Orleans,
      holding up signs that said, "Send educational software." (Bill Maher)

      THE CONGRESS

      Congress debates immigration reform. Both sides are compassionate. No
      matter how they see it, politicians want to provide for the welfare
      of their reelections. (Alan Ray)

      Senator Arlen Specter found no takers Monday for his proposal to
      grant legal status to twelve million illegal aliens. There's one way
      out. Americans won't be happy with the immigration bill until all it
      does is let Tony Blair become president. (Argus Hamilton)

      A Senate committee has voted in favor of new relaxed immigration
      laws. The new rules would allow more visas for nurses, agriculture
      workers, and foreign lobbyists with cash. The bill also shelters
      humanitarian organizations from prosecution if they provide non-
      emergency assistance to illegal residents like the Marriott Hotel
      chain which is graciously offering them jobs for $1 an hour. (Jake
      Novak)

      LOCAL NEWS

      Los Angeles school officials tried to keep Latino students from
      leaving class Monday to protest immigration reform. The
      administrators even tried to lock down some of the campuses but the
      students climbed over the fences. Why is that even news?. It is their
      ability to climb fences that got them to Los Angeles in the first
      place. (Argus Hamilton)
      Los Angeles Hispanics said Monday they waved Mexican flags to
      proclaim their Spanish heritage and to reclaim the city. That's the
      real clash. The predominate culture in Los Angeles is based upon the
      British model, that model being Kate Moss. (Argus Hamilton)

      Phoenix was the site of a massive protest Friday against an
      immigration bill in Congress. Adults took off work and kids walked
      out of school to gather in the park in protest. It is the time-
      tested way of achieving change through vagrancy. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE LAW

      San Francisco's 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals heard arguments on
      Monday on the legality of medical marijuana. The health nannies have
      got to be stopped. There could be riots in the schools if they
      legalize pot and criminalise junk food. (Argus Hamilton)

      CRIME

      Disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff sentenced to nearing six years in
      prison. That shows the unpredictable life of a Washington lobbyist.
      One day you're getting a million bucks from the tobacco lobby. Next
      day, you're trading it for a couple of cigarettes. (Jay Leno)

      TERRORISM

      Al Qaeda conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui says he knew about plans to
      crash planes into the World Trade Center, but did not have the exact
      details. Moussaoui's story is a grim reminder that terrorists should
      call their handlers before they head to the airport to make sure all
      their flight information is up to date. Moussaoui says his mission
      was to destroy the White House but he backed off when he realized
      President Bush is doing that all by himself. (Jake Novak)

      Terrorist Iraqi kidnappers have finally released American journalist
      Jill Carroll after almost three months. Carroll was allowed to keep
      some lovely parting gifts, like a copy of the Koran, a commemorative
      medal, and her head. (Jake Novak)

      INTERNATIONAL

      The biggest surprise of the [Israeli] election: it was the lowest
      voter turnout ever. A dismal 63.2%. That's the lowest turn-out
      they've ever had. You know we shouldn't be bringing democracy to the
      Middle East, they should be bringing it to us. (Jon Stewart)

      China announced Friday that Chinese president Hu Jintao will pay an
      official state visit in four weeks. He's coming to the United States
      for a summit. Every time he meets with the board of directors at Wal-
      Mart the world hangs in the balance. (Argus Hamilton)

      Condi Rice offered continued diplomacy Friday over Iran's nuclear
      program. There's no reason to be nervous about Iran's sense of
      responsibility. They plan to use nuclear energy for peaceful
      purposes, unless someone draws a cartoon they don't like. (Argus
      Hamilton)

      The Afghan man who could have received the death penalty for
      converting to Christianity is now in Italy. But experts are wondering
      why he didn't choose to go to a country that's friendly to
      Christians. (Jake Novak)

      There's a possible breakthrough in the French student riots. The
      protesters are now willing to accept the new law that makes it easier
      to fire young workers, as long as all the workers who get fired are
      Jews. (Jake Novak)

      Just days after the Pentagon reported that Russia had leaked U.S. war
      plans to Saddam Hussein in advance of the March 2003 invasion, the
      Russian government was caught in the act of smuggling a birthday cake
      to the former Iraqi dictator's prison cell in Baghdad. (Andy Borowitz)

      IRAQ

      The latest in Iraq: the government has ceased to function. It's kind
      of like the White House, but with more oil. (Jay Leno)

      The Pentagon says it's discovered that Russia secretly gave Saddam
      Hussein sensitive information about U.S. battle plans before the
      invasion of Iraq. The Russians deny that, but they do admit they gave
      Saddam personal grooming tips while he was in hiding. (Jake Novak)

      MEXICO

      President Bush is down in Mexico right now. Again, I don't think
      President Bush gets it. As soon as he stepped off Air Force Once, he
      looked around and said, 'Wow, you got a big problem with Mexican
      immigrants down here, too. (Jay Leno)

      After Mexican President Fox took President Bush to see some Mayan
      ruins, the American leader boasted that he has a ruin of his own --
      his approval rating. "Ah," said Fox, "but these are ancient ruins."
      To which Bush responded: "I have one of those too. Donald
      Rumsfeld." (Scott Tatum)

      President Bush arrives in Cancun today for a meeting with Mexico's
      president Vicente Fox. It's a great relief for him to get down there.
      President Bush just wants to talk to one person in the world who's in
      favor of his guest-worker program. (Argus Hamilton)

      Upon arriving in Cancun, President Bush said he expected to hear good
      news from Mexican President Vicente Fox about relations between the
      two countries. When asked how he knew it would be good, Bush replied:
      "Because I've never found anything that wasn't good about Fox
      News." (Scott Tatum)

      They get along well because they have a lot in common. They're both
      ranchers. They both love the outdoors. And they both speak English as
      a second language. (Jay Leno, on Bush's meeting with Mexican
      President Vicente Fox)

      President Bush attended a summit in Mexico. And thousands of Mexicans
      attended a rally to protest his immigration policies. The protest was
      cut short because the Mexicans had to get back to their jobs in Los
      Angeles. (Conan O'Brien)

      The National Council of La Raza demanded a open border with the
      United States and citizenship for anyone from Mexico. Something's
      wrong here. Any other country with tequila and oil would need a seven-
      hundred-mile-long wall to keep Americans out. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE ECONOMY

      At a White House press conference ... press secretary Scott McClellan
      announced the economy has grown another 3%, which sounds great until
      you realize Barry Bonds has grown 30%. (Jay Leno)

      SCIENCE

      Earlier today, in parts of the world, there was a total eclipse of
      the sun. President Bush said that the eclipse of the sun proves the
      unreliability of solar power. (David Letterman)

      Now that researchers have created pigs that, when eaten, put good
      stuff into your system to make your heart more healthy, they're
      moving to other areas -- such as wine that contains birth control
      chemicals so that when you do what inevitably follows the sharing of
      a bottle of wine, you need not worry about the consequences. Oh yes,
      and Hostess cupcakes that contain diet pills. (Scott Tatum)

      HEALTH

      Adolescents who do not get enough sleep and then drive while drowsy
      pose a safety hazard, according to a new study today published in
      "Duh" magazine. (Andy Borowitz)

      In the largest scientific test of its kind, scientists found that
      prayer brought no benefit to hospital patients. And the hospitals
      found that prayer brought no benefit to the people who didn't pay
      their bills. (Jake Novak)

      A study shows fewer doctors are providing charity care. Doctors claim
      they are, it's just that what used to be called "charity" is now
      known as "HMO"..(Jim Barach)

      51% of high school students say they have at least one symptom of
      hearing loss. The first symptom is never hearing a thing their
      parents say..(Jim Barach)

      THE ENVIRONMENT

      According to a survey in this week's Time magazine, 85% of Americans
      think global warming is happening. The other 15% work for the White
      House (Jay Leno)

      SPORTS

      The NFL has cracked down on end zone celebrations. To which the
      Houston Texans asked; “What’s an end zone celebration?” The Minnesota
      Vikings agree with the NFL’s crack down on end zone celebrations; the
      Vikings feel touchdowns should only be celebrated where they belong,
      when drunk on a yacht with hookers. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Barry Bonds sued the authors of Game of Shadows under a California
      statute called the unfair competition law. The book details his use
      of steroids. Barry Bonds shouldn't be suing under the unfair
      competition law, he should be prosecuted under it. (Argus Hamilton)

      Major League Baseball starts on Sunday. Gentlemen, start your
      steroids. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Baseball commissioner Bud Selig has announced a major steroid
      investigation of Barry Bonds. The best way to find out whether Barry
      Bonds has been taking steroids is to just look at Barry Bonds.(Jake
      Novak)

      After all of the endless testimony and proof of steroid use, Major
      League Baseball has announced they are going to investigate steroid
      use in baseball. In a related story, the city of Seattle announced
      they are going to investigate rumors of rain. (Alex Kaseberg)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      Rumor has it that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are fighting. It’s no
      wonder, when Brad first dated Angelina, she was a brunette Paris
      Hilton guzzling champagne and having wild sex, now Angelina is the
      starving-baby-adopting, African fly swatting Hollywood Mother Teresa
      (Alex Kaseberg)

      Sharon Stone raved about Hillary Clinton's sex appeal at her London
      movie opening on Tuesday. She also advised young people to have oral
      sex for safety's sake. (Argus Hamilton)

      Gong Show creator Chuck Barris wrote a book about his dream quiz
      show. In it the contestant either wins one hundred million dollars or
      gets executed. It just shows that everyone watches the trial of
      Saddam Hussein and sees something different. (Argus Hamilton)

      Charlie Sheen told a radio interviewer last week that the Twin Towers
      were imploded by the government. His friends in Los Angeles worry
      that his obsession with the conspiracy theory has taken over his
      life. He's starting to lose interest in his car. (Argus Hamilton)

      Supermodel Naomi Campbell has been arrested for allegedly throwing a
      cell phone at her maid's head. Looks like the Yankees finally have a
      replacement for Roger Clemens! (Jake Novak)

      David Hasselhoff has been ordered to stay away from his wife.
      Apparently the custody fight over who gets Kit the car is getting
      nasty. Hasselhoff has apparently threatened her with bringing over
      DVDs of "Baywatch".(Jim Barach)

      South Park's season premiere on Wednesday skewered Isaac Hayes for
      leaving the show. The producers made his character Chef a pedophile
      and had him impaled on a tree and eaten by wolves. It just shows that
      white people can't tell the difference between Isaac Hayes and
      Michael Jackson. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE MEDIA

      Mike Wallace says that before he retires he wants to interview
      President Bush. The White House has so far declined, but has said OK
      to a hunting trip with Vice President Cheney..(Jim Barach)
      CULTURE

      A college student in Iowa spent 41 straight hours in a Des Moines Wal-
      Mart during Spring Break. It took him that long to find something
      that was made in America.Wal-Mart says it wouldn't have allowed the
      student who stayed inside its if it had been aware of it. The only
      people Wal-Mart allows to spend 41 straight hours in its stores are
      its employees. (Jake Novak)

      HISTORY

      Graceland mansion was made a historic site by Congress Monday to
      honor Elvis Presley. He had huge appetites for food and women and
      public acclaim. It's a reminder to America that we should buy Bill
      Clinton's records while he's still alive to enjoy it. (Argus Hamilton)

      BUSINESS

      The A.P. reported that a patron at a Burger King in Palmdale CA was
      charged $4,334.33 — instead of $4.33 — on his debit card for four
      hamburgers. Burger King immediately reimbursed the customer and the
      cashier was immediately promoted to president of Chevron Oil. (Alex
      Kaseberg)

      Amazon.com blamed it on technical problems after abortion advocates
      complained that searches on its site for books on abortion led to the
      display of a question, "Do you mean adoption?" While working on that
      glitch, Amazon also found that the question, "Do you mean idiots?"
      pops up whenever a customer searches for books about liberals. (Scott
      Tatum)

      The tax preparation firm, H&R Block, has a strong defense against
      charges that it cheated customers by putting them in savings accounts
      that charged more in fees than they earned in interest. Block gave
      low-income customers something they normally wouldn't have -- a tax
      loss to be deducted on their next income tax return. Customers who
      had any money left could even hire the company to prepare the return
      for them. (Scott Tatum)

      Bally Total Fitness Clubs is seeking a waiver from lenders. Imagine
      that, a health club in financial trouble. You sure don't see many ice
      cream stores closing their doors..(Jim Barach)

      General Motors is offering employees up to $140,000 to give up their
      jobs. GM will also give them a good deal on a new Suburban that they
      can move their family right into..(Jim Barach)

      After a three-year run, Hooters Airlines announced it's calling it
      quits, closing its doors. Today, President Clinton said, "This means
      the terrorists have won." (Jay Leno)

      Today Show' host Katie Couric recently stirred controversy when she
      called Wal-Mart "as American as apple pie." She later added, "if the
      apple pie was manufactured in China.'" (Rob Bates)

      OTHER

      Both Jack Abramoff and Monica Lewinsky went to Beverly Hills High
      School. Ironically, they both went on to embarrass presidents with
      scandals about the same thing: getting something under the table.
      (Jay Leno)
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