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Puns of the Day 12-01-05

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  • Stan Kegel
    PUNS OF THE DAY for 12-01-05 JEST FOR KIDS – THE RIDDLES What kind of paper makes you itch? Scratch paper. Why is a tree loud? Because of its bark! (Sydney,
    Message 1 of 1 , Dec 1, 2005
      PUNS OF THE DAY for 12-01-05

      JEST FOR KIDS – THE RIDDLES

      What kind of paper makes you itch?
      Scratch paper.

      Why is a tree loud?
      Because of its bark! (Sydney, 7)

      How did the pretzel maker increase business?
      With a new twist (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

      Where does a vampire take a shower?
      In the bat-room! (Anjelika, 10)

      Where do hamburgers go to dance?
      To a meat-ball! (Kasey, 6)

      What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer
      lived in Eden?
      Your mother ate us out of house and home.

      JEST FOR KIDS – THE PUNS

      If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

      Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's
      too dark to read. (Groucho Marx)

      For a fish, the end of a barbed hook is the "point" of no return

      If you run through a screen door you'll strain yourself.

      One plastic surgeon to another: My daughter gets her good looks from me.

      Little Johnny's teacher asked him to make up a sentence using the
      words, 'bitter end.' Johnny thought for a moment and replied, "Our
      dog chased our cat and he bitter end."

      JEST FOR KIDS – THE GROANERS

      A Jewish boy in grade school was listening to his Hebrew teacher
      quoting Scripture. "The Lord our God, the Lord is One," the teacher
      declared. The youngster asked, "When will He be two?"

      "The star of a London West End theater comedy, a talented duck called
      Daphne, has been stolen, just two days before opening night." Police
      said they are hoping for a quack in the case.

      Two skeletons used by the professor of anatomy found them- selves
      stowed away in a dusty closet. After several weeks of boredom one
      turned to the other and asked, "What are we doing shut up in here
      anyway?" "Got me," admitted his companion. "If we had any guts we'd
      bust out of here."

      JEST FOR KIDS – POEMS. & OTHER HUMOR

      11 was a race horse
      22 was 12.
      1111 race 1 day
      22112.

      Girl wanted to assist magician in cuttng-off-head illusion. Blue
      Cross and salary.

      Headline: Typhoon rips through cemetery; hundreds dead.

      Q. How's your job at the clock company?
      A. I'm having second thoughts about it.

      PUNS IN THE COMICS

      Somewhat overweight woman walking out of a hypnotist's office with
      man lying on the floor holding his head and with a black eye. Woman
      thinks, "The nerve! Telling me my eyelids are getting heavy." (Off
      The Mark: Mark Parisi)

      Messenger: "It's a note from Sir Rodney." King: "What does he say?"
      "He says he needs reinforcement." "Tell him he's doing a good
      job." (Wizard of Id: Brent Parker)

      "Any good submissions over the internet?" "No! Just the usual
      bloggerel." (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)

      TAGLINES & RIDDLES

      She doesn't eat snails because she prefers fast food.

      I drove by my local Catholic church one Sunday morning just as
      services were over and witnessed a mass exodus. (Jack Levitt)

      Children in backseats cause accidents - Accidents in backseats cause
      children

      When I was a child, my duties in the church included helping to
      shorten or lengthen the holy robes. They called me an alter boy.

      The play's author insisted that the theater let grossly obese people
      in for free because he wanted his work to be seen by a much wider
      audience! (Lily Noyes).

      What is the informal name for a butcher's trade fair?
      A Swap Meat (Gary Hallock)

      GROANERS & SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES

      In the olden days itinerant preachers would stay quite busy making
      the rounds of small communities that had a church but couldn't
      support a full-time pastor of their own. It was not unusual for a
      busy minister to perform Sunday services in perhaps 5 or 6 little
      churches scattered up and down a populated valley. One particular
      clergyman was quite popular with his various congregations and thus
      he not only stayed busy all day on Sundays, but was quite often
      called in on weekdays to preside over baptisms, weddings and funerals
      at odd hours of the day and night. As a faithful man of the cloth he
      did his best to accommodate all such requests within reason, but had
      a curious aversion to holding funeral services on any day before
      noon. In turning down requests to preside over somber grave side
      ceremonies too early in the day he merely explained, "I'm just not a
      mourning parson." (Gary Hallock)

      During a recent high profile cosmetics trial at a local courthouse,
      in order to prevent a panel of peers from appearing prejudiced, the
      jury was banned from wearing cologne. The judge was the only one who
      could keep odor in the court. (Arthur Tugman).

      My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations
      that customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law,
      well, that's a different story. We were attending a court case in
      which we were prosecuting a smuggler. The judge asked the court, "Who
      is making these allegations?" My boss stood up and proclaimed, "I am
      the alligator, your honor."

      A disgruntled customer returned to our store a few days after she had
      bought a cordless phone from me. She demanded her money back. "What
      seems to be wrong with it?" I asked. "It cuts out every time I get
      about two or three blocks away from my house," she replied.
      "Perhaps," I suggested, "I could interest you in a cellular phone
      instead?"

      DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE

      Loose woman: One more to be petted than censured. (Richard Lederer)

      Dim Sum: What you get when your calculator batteries run low. (Ben
      Werner)

      Sex: The only activity where you start at the top and work your way
      to the bottom, while getting a raise.

      Consultant: Ask your uncle's wife for advise (Stan Kegel)

      Diploma: Who you call when the sink is clogged. (Cynthia MacGregor)

      Venue: "VENUE wish upon a star." (Gary Hallock)

      POETIC PUNS

      Embarrassed athlete
      Thinking of perfect slam dunk
      Dribbled in his pants
      (Guy Ben-Moshe)

      "People can travel," said Albert Einstein,
      "The speed of light in a gadget of mine.
      When my in-laws go fast
      Back into the past,
      Relatively speaking, they won't be mine."
      (Kirk Miller)

      A young schizophrenic named Struther,
      When told of the death of his mother,
      Said "Yes, it's too bad
      "but I don't feel so sad,
      "I'm lucky I still have each other."

      OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS

      "I see five bucks and five does in the woods," Tom whispered tenderly.

      "This old pier is just as good as a new one," said Tom paradoxically.

      Skin: somewhat pale but present. (Richard Lederer)

      From a wedding announcement in the Arlington, Texas, STAR-TELEGRAM:
      "The bride was given away by her father wearing her mother's veil."

      Ad: Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard to find person.
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