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Puns of the Day 09-01-05

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  • Stan Kegel
    PUNS OF THE DAY for 09-01-05 JEST FOR KIDS – THE RIDDLES Why did the little girl buy a little horse? She wanted a pony tail (Kate, 6) Why doesn t the
    Message 1 of 1 , Sep 1, 2005
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      PUNS OF THE DAY for 09-01-05

      JEST FOR KIDS – THE RIDDLES

      Why did the little girl buy a little horse?
      She wanted a pony tail (Kate, 6)

      Why doesn't the cannibal eat people that work at Texaco?
      They give him gas

      Is it hard to spot a leopard?
      No, they're born that way.

      What happens when a duck flies upside down?
      It quacks up

      Why did the student drop his history class?
      It had no future. (Mike Bull)

      Why did the bunny cross the road?
      He wanted to prove he could hip hop! (Danielle, 11)

      What can you catch but not throw?
      A cold! ( Amber, 12)

      What do you call a man with a large bank balance?
      Rich

      JEST FOR KIDS – THE PUNS

      Why do they say you're never too old to learn if you can't teach an
      old dog new tricks?

      His model airplane hobby really took off. (Pun of the Day)

      When you're wearing a watch on an airplane, time flies

      Waiters are good at multiplication because they know their tables

      When found guilty the English Teacher received a long sentence.

      A rumor without a leg to stand on will get around some other way.

      When the artist tried to draw a cube he had a mental block. (Pun of
      the Day)

      JEST FOR KIDS – THE GROANERS

      A man complains to a friend, "I can't take it anymore." "What's
      wrong?" his concerned friend asks. "It's my wife. Every time we have
      an argument, she gets historical!" "You mean hysterical," his friend
      said, chuckling. "No, I mean historical," the man insists. "Every
      argument we have, she'll go "I still remember that time when you ..."

      St. Peter becomes aware of a man standing outside the Gates of
      Heaven, pacing up and down. "Excuse me, can I help you?" he asks.
      "No, it's all right. It won't be long." And he distractedly looks at
      his watch, shrugs and paces on. St. Peter gives it another 5 minutes
      and asks again. The man stops and says, "Look, you know I'm dead. I
      know I'm dead. Will someone please tell the cardiac arrest team?"

      After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain
      and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the
      boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your
      mother ate us out of house and home."

      JEST FOR KIDS – POETIC PUNS

      Knock, knock.
      Who’s there?
      Anna.
      Anna who?
      Anna partridge in a pear tree.
      (Lederer & Ertner)

      PUNS IN THE COMICS

      "How'd you do at the track?" "Terrible! It's the only place I know
      where the windows clean me." (Shoe: Cassett & Brookins)

      Private Account: Politically correct lingo for a piggy bank. `(B. C.:
      Johnny Hart)

      The nation's statistics on weight problems are posted in round
      figures. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

      LINK OF THE DAY

      Jewish Rap Singer: http://www.wimp.com/jewish/


      TAGLINES & RIDDLES

      Politicians & diapers need to be changed regularly, and both for the
      same reason.

      "I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister
      Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New
      Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only
      child. (Woody Allen)

      Health insurance is just like one of those hospital gowns. You only
      think you're covered.

      My fourth grade students were required to date the entries in their
      journals, but one young fellow neglected to do so. I made a notation
      "Date?" beside his last entry. The next time I reviewed his journal,
      I spotted his response to my query "I'm too young."

      Two Blondes are at a bus station... The first one says: I am waiting
      for bus number 2 The second one says: I am waiting for bus number 5
      Bus number 25 arrives...One of the Blondes says: "We can go together"

      I get up at 6:00 AM, no matter what time it is. (Yogi Berra)

      I'm independently wealthy. I have enough money to last me the rest of
      my life — provided I die tomorrow. (Bill Fitch)

      Which composer was a crazy bike rider?
      Psycho Liszt. (Mark)

      GROANERS & SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES

      When my son was around nine, we had a very wet spring causing several
      of his baseball games to be cancelled or postponed. Finally a make-up
      game was scheduled for one of the games. I told my six year old
      daughter that if she had any homework that day she needed to be sure
      to complete it during aftercare at school because her brother had a
      make-up game. That night since it was still too wet for her to play,
      see moved from lap to lap. While she was in my lap, she looked at her
      brother's dug-out and then she looked at the other dug-out. She
      turned to me and asked, "Are we wearing make-up or is the other team?"

      Dear Sir, I need to advise you of a nefarious plot by one of our
      greatest news agencies. I discovered that they tried to clone Walter
      Cronkite, but after creating the embryo and implanting it into the
      host mother, they discovered, that they were going to be producing
      twins. I therefore shall go and drink to absolve myself of my
      awareness of this heinous act of replication, thereby making of my
      evening, a binge over doubled Walters.

      Wong Mee and his wife, Virginia, were married for 50 years, but
      finally health problems got the best of them, Wong Mee in particular.
      He suffered from Alzheimer's and a crippling leg condition. One day
      he wandered from home, and his wife was worried sick. Finally the
      police found him, only two blocks from home, lost, confused, and
      unable to walk. They had to carry Mee back to old Virginny

      A very nervous bride went to the minister and told him that she did
      not think that she would be able to get through the wedding ceremony.
      The minister, trying to calm her down, told her that she really had
      nothing to worry about. "You only have three things to do. Walk down
      the aisle, stand at the altar and say 'I do' when I ask you the
      question and then listen for the hymn that closes the ceremony.
      That's all there is to it." The nervous bride took the minister's
      advice and shortened it to a simple mantra that she kept repeating
      over and over to keep herself calm. What her groom heard as his bride
      walked down the aisle was her repeating "Aisle, Altar, Hymn."

      A blonde was sitting in class when the professor asked her if she
      knew what the Rowe vs. Wade decision was. She sat there for quite a
      while pondering this very profound question and finally sighed and
      said , "I think that is the decision George Washington made prior to
      crossing the Delaware." (Bambi)

      A young Jewish man comes home and proudly announces to his very
      traditional parents that he's fallen in love and getting married.
      After his Mother's loud sobs and cries of "I'm so happy for you!"
      have finally subsided, she asks: "Is the girl Jewish?", to which the
      son replies: "Well, Momma, it's not a girl at all; it's a MAN who I'm
      in love with"...to which the Mother responds without missing a
      heartbeat: "A Jewish man?" (Jill K.)

      DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE

      Molestation: Place where moles wait for the commuter train. (Stan Kegel)

      Gross Profit: Money made from the sale of pornographic films. (Harvey
      C Gordon)

      Clerical Error: When a priest makes a mistake in church. (Joseph Leff)

      Freebie: A bee out of jail. (Tim Bruening)

      Undine: Vomit. (Russell Beland)

      Boisterous: "They may appear to be mature to you but they are still
      BOISTEROUS" (Stan Kegel)

      POETIC PUNS

      Tinkle, tinkle little star,
      Incontinent is what I are.
      (Arva Westley)

      There is nothing worse
      Than poems about cute cats.
      It is all perverse.
      (John S. Crosbie)


      OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS

      "The situation is grave," Tom said cryptically.

      "I'd love some Chinese food," said Tom wantonly.

      The sacred chickens of the Romans were Vestal Virgins.

      Headline: Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

      Bumper Sticker: Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.

      "Cosmetology" by Rosie Cheeks (Neil Enns)
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