Puns of the Day 09-01-05
- PUNS OF THE DAY for 09-01-05
JEST FOR KIDS – THE RIDDLES
Why did the little girl buy a little horse?
She wanted a pony tail (Kate, 6)
Why doesn't the cannibal eat people that work at Texaco?
They give him gas
Is it hard to spot a leopard?
No, they're born that way.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up
Why did the student drop his history class?
It had no future. (Mike Bull)
Why did the bunny cross the road?
He wanted to prove he could hip hop! (Danielle, 11)
What can you catch but not throw?
A cold! ( Amber, 12)
What do you call a man with a large bank balance?
JEST FOR KIDS – THE PUNS
Why do they say you're never too old to learn if you can't teach an
old dog new tricks?
His model airplane hobby really took off. (Pun of the Day)
When you're wearing a watch on an airplane, time flies
Waiters are good at multiplication because they know their tables
When found guilty the English Teacher received a long sentence.
A rumor without a leg to stand on will get around some other way.
When the artist tried to draw a cube he had a mental block. (Pun of
JEST FOR KIDS – THE GROANERS
A man complains to a friend, "I can't take it anymore." "What's
wrong?" his concerned friend asks. "It's my wife. Every time we have
an argument, she gets historical!" "You mean hysterical," his friend
said, chuckling. "No, I mean historical," the man insists. "Every
argument we have, she'll go "I still remember that time when you ..."
St. Peter becomes aware of a man standing outside the Gates of
Heaven, pacing up and down. "Excuse me, can I help you?" he asks.
"No, it's all right. It won't be long." And he distractedly looks at
his watch, shrugs and paces on. St. Peter gives it another 5 minutes
and asks again. The man stops and says, "Look, you know I'm dead. I
know I'm dead. Will someone please tell the cardiac arrest team?"
After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain
and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the
boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your
mother ate us out of house and home."
JEST FOR KIDS – POETIC PUNS
Anna partridge in a pear tree.
(Lederer & Ertner)
PUNS IN THE COMICS
"How'd you do at the track?" "Terrible! It's the only place I know
where the windows clean me." (Shoe: Cassett & Brookins)
Private Account: Politically correct lingo for a piggy bank. `(B. C.:
The nation's statistics on weight problems are posted in round
figures. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
LINK OF THE DAY
Jewish Rap Singer: http://www.wimp.com/jewish/
TAGLINES & RIDDLES
Politicians & diapers need to be changed regularly, and both for the
"I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister
Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New
Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only
child. (Woody Allen)
Health insurance is just like one of those hospital gowns. You only
think you're covered.
My fourth grade students were required to date the entries in their
journals, but one young fellow neglected to do so. I made a notation
"Date?" beside his last entry. The next time I reviewed his journal,
I spotted his response to my query "I'm too young."
Two Blondes are at a bus station... The first one says: I am waiting
for bus number 2 The second one says: I am waiting for bus number 5
Bus number 25 arrives...One of the Blondes says: "We can go together"
I get up at 6:00 AM, no matter what time it is. (Yogi Berra)
I'm independently wealthy. I have enough money to last me the rest of
my life — provided I die tomorrow. (Bill Fitch)
Which composer was a crazy bike rider?
Psycho Liszt. (Mark)
GROANERS & SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES
When my son was around nine, we had a very wet spring causing several
of his baseball games to be cancelled or postponed. Finally a make-up
game was scheduled for one of the games. I told my six year old
daughter that if she had any homework that day she needed to be sure
to complete it during aftercare at school because her brother had a
make-up game. That night since it was still too wet for her to play,
see moved from lap to lap. While she was in my lap, she looked at her
brother's dug-out and then she looked at the other dug-out. She
turned to me and asked, "Are we wearing make-up or is the other team?"
Dear Sir, I need to advise you of a nefarious plot by one of our
greatest news agencies. I discovered that they tried to clone Walter
Cronkite, but after creating the embryo and implanting it into the
host mother, they discovered, that they were going to be producing
twins. I therefore shall go and drink to absolve myself of my
awareness of this heinous act of replication, thereby making of my
evening, a binge over doubled Walters.
Wong Mee and his wife, Virginia, were married for 50 years, but
finally health problems got the best of them, Wong Mee in particular.
He suffered from Alzheimer's and a crippling leg condition. One day
he wandered from home, and his wife was worried sick. Finally the
police found him, only two blocks from home, lost, confused, and
unable to walk. They had to carry Mee back to old Virginny
A very nervous bride went to the minister and told him that she did
not think that she would be able to get through the wedding ceremony.
The minister, trying to calm her down, told her that she really had
nothing to worry about. "You only have three things to do. Walk down
the aisle, stand at the altar and say 'I do' when I ask you the
question and then listen for the hymn that closes the ceremony.
That's all there is to it." The nervous bride took the minister's
advice and shortened it to a simple mantra that she kept repeating
over and over to keep herself calm. What her groom heard as his bride
walked down the aisle was her repeating "Aisle, Altar, Hymn."
A blonde was sitting in class when the professor asked her if she
knew what the Rowe vs. Wade decision was. She sat there for quite a
while pondering this very profound question and finally sighed and
said , "I think that is the decision George Washington made prior to
crossing the Delaware." (Bambi)
A young Jewish man comes home and proudly announces to his very
traditional parents that he's fallen in love and getting married.
After his Mother's loud sobs and cries of "I'm so happy for you!"
have finally subsided, she asks: "Is the girl Jewish?", to which the
son replies: "Well, Momma, it's not a girl at all; it's a MAN who I'm
in love with"...to which the Mother responds without missing a
heartbeat: "A Jewish man?" (Jill K.)
DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE
Molestation: Place where moles wait for the commuter train. (Stan Kegel)
Gross Profit: Money made from the sale of pornographic films. (Harvey
Clerical Error: When a priest makes a mistake in church. (Joseph Leff)
Freebie: A bee out of jail. (Tim Bruening)
Undine: Vomit. (Russell Beland)
Boisterous: "They may appear to be mature to you but they are still
BOISTEROUS" (Stan Kegel)
Tinkle, tinkle little star,
Incontinent is what I are.
There is nothing worse
Than poems about cute cats.
It is all perverse.
(John S. Crosbie)
OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS
"The situation is grave," Tom said cryptically.
"I'd love some Chinese food," said Tom wantonly.
The sacred chickens of the Romans were Vestal Virgins.
Headline: Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Bumper Sticker: Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
"Cosmetology" by Rosie Cheeks (Neil Enns)