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Puns of the Day 08-01-05

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  • Stan Kegel
    PUNS OF THE DAY for 08-01-05 JEST FOR KIDS – THE RIDDLES What position does a monster play on a soccer team. Ghoulie! (Betty Debnam) What did the chick say
    Message 1 of 1 , Aug 1, 2005
      PUNS OF THE DAY for 08-01-05

      JEST FOR KIDS – THE RIDDLES

      What position does a monster play on a soccer team.
      Ghoulie! (Betty Debnam)

      What did the chick say when it saw an orange in the nest?
      Look at the orange mama laid.

      What did one flag say to the other flag?
      Nothing. It just waved.

      What do you get when you anesthetize a rabbit?
      The ether bunny.

      Why did the cow win a medal?
      Because it was outstanding in its field (Becca, 6)

      Why didn't the map grids go to the punk disco?
      Because they were all squares.

      What do you get when you cross a potato with an onion?
      A potato with watery eyes.

      JEST FOR KIDS – THE PUNS

      A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

      My Uncle Joe is so stupid he put beer in his water bed so he'd have a
      foam mattress!

      Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
      taste funny to you?"

      Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
      ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

      Working in Mexico doesn't peso good. (Pungents)

      I can't see myself as an opthalmalogist.

      He couldn't remember the pill's name but it was on the tip of his
      tongue.

      JEST FOR KIDS – THE GROANERS

      Late one night at the insane asylum, one inmate shouted, "I am
      Napoleon!" Another patient asked, "How do you know?" The first inmate
      said, "Because God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room
      shouted, "I did NOT!"

      A couple of blond men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One
      of the blond men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-
      twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man
      said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a
      minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "Alright. How
      long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said,
      "Uh... I'd better go check." After awhile, the blond returned to the
      office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house.

      JEST FOR KIDS – THE POEMS

      Knock, knock,
      who's there?
      Alaska
      Alaska who?
      Alaska later, right now I'm trying to remember where I left her.
      (Marsha Coleman)

      PUNS IN THE COMICS

      Agnostic: A guy, who when you sneeze, shrugs and says.
      "Whatever." (B. C.: Johnny Hart)

      No one has a master's degree in experience. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

      TAGLINES & RIDDLES

      If I were a proctologist I'd have to look at assholes all day

      Evander Holyfield was shocked to hear that Mike Tyson was retiring
      from boxing. He said, "Tyson quitting? I can't believe my ear!" (Jay
      Leno)

      Remember, our seasoned citizens are worth a fortune, with silver in
      their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in
      their feet, and gas in their stomachs.

      A girl says to an Indian salesman, "I'm not sure if I should buy a
      sweatshirt or a windbreaker." He says, "Well, that depends. Are you
      gonna sweat, or are you gonna break wind?"

      Everyone remembers the Ford Pinto and the spectacular fires that
      resulted when it was rear-ended. But that's nothing compared to the
      Super Nova. (Calvin)

      Politicians double cross bridges when they come to them (Pun of the Day)

      He held her close against him, a warm glow of satisfaction covering
      them both. "Am I the first man you've ever made love to?" he asked.
      She studied him reflectively. "You might be," she said. "Your face
      looks very familiar."

      I went into a bookstore. Someone was arranging books on a table -- I
      asked for a book on music theory. She indicated the "help" kiosk --
      which led me to believe that was where the book was. How did I
      interpret the gesture?
      Counter Point. (Bob Dvorak)

      GROANERS & SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES

      One day, the president of the United States was sitting in the Oval
      Office reading a newspaper to catch on that day's current events. All
      of a sudden, one of his secret service men burst through the door
      with a long bull whip in his hand. The president looks at him and
      thinks, "OK!", but tries to ignore him, thinking it's some kind of
      gag. The secret service man then begins to take that bull whip and
      begins "cracking" it, and walking around the president's desk. The
      president looks up and asks him what he's doing, but the secret
      service agent ignores him and goes, "Uh, hum" but keeps cracking the
      whip as he walks around the presidents desk. The president gets
      enough and yells at the secret service agent, "BY EXECUTIVE ORDER, I
      DEMAND YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE DOING!" The secret service agent
      sheepishly looks up at him and says, "Sir, I'm just beating around
      the Bush!" (Randy Foncree)

      This was just the latest in a series of horrible murders by the Jack
      The Ripper hack-alike whose victims were chopped into barely
      recognizable remnants, but in this case all that remained was the
      left buttock from a very diminutive individual, by which the famous
      Crime Scene Investigator was able to show his forensic prowess by
      triumphantly exclaiming, "That's no child's left behind." (Alan B.
      Combs)

      Joe, a friend of mine, got into a dispute with a friend of his, Fred.
      Fred had pulled some rather nasty pranks on him. To get even, Joe got
      under the hood of Fred's car, took the tops off the battery cells,
      and put about a tablespoonful of table salt into each cell. This not
      only precipitated the lead sulfate in the battery acid as pretty but
      useless cubical crystals of PbCl2, but gave of HCl fumes which
      corroded parts of the engine. Fred figured out who'd done it and Joe
      was caught. He thought he would just have to make restitution, but
      Fred had a brother in the prosecutor's office. He's now facing trial
      on a-saltin' a battery. Not to mention SODIUMy

      My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations
      that customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law,
      well, that's a different story. We were attending a court case in
      which we were prosecuting a smuggler. The judge asked the court, "Who
      is making these allegations?" My boss stood up and proclaimed, "I am
      the alligator, Your Honor."

      During a magazine and newspaper subscription drive, our son Philip, a
      paperboy, learned about good salesmanship. His supervisor had
      instructed the kids to maintain a positive attitude, even when turned
      down. One potential customer told Philip, "I've got papers and
      magazines strewn all over the place -- I don't need any more."
      Philip's reply? "Well, how about a subscription to Good Housekeeping?"

      Hampton Data had never seen this particular bug before. In short
      order an engineer was dispatched to the customer site -- such things
      were not supposed to occur in their high-security package. It took
      exactly six hours for the lone individual to call for help -- and two
      more engineers were sent over. The bug could not be recreated at
      headquarters, and within another two days a crack team was sent out
      from Corporate to study the problem. As the end of the week
      approached, the word went out -- get the guys in Toronto. They were
      the best the Company had -- the Eh? Team. (Bob Dvorak)

      DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE

      Ritz crackers: Wealthy rednecks (Douglas Helsel)

      Adamant. The first insect. (Richard Lederer)

      Breakers: Mangy mutts who sound like donkeys (Cynthia MacGregor)

      Benign: What you will be after you be eight.

      Error: You shoot this from a bow. (Syman Hirsch)

      Charity: That generous impulse to give away something you have no use
      for.

      Element: Ella talks in circles, I never know what ELEMENT. (Rose Katz)

      Exclaim: Watch my EXCLAIM more than he's entitled to in the divorce!
      (Cynthia MacGregor)•

      POETIC PUNS

      All through winter, summer, the fall 'n'
      Especially springtime, I'm bawling
      My eyes are all red
      And so stuffy's my head
      I'm miserable. It's so a pollen.
      (Gary Hallock)

      The temperature's far below zero,
      The roads are all covered with sleet;
      The car you can't start in the morning:.
      Is the one you can't stop on the street.

      OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS

      "I was removed from office," said Tom disappointedly.

      "I won the daily double," Tom cried hoarsely.

      Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
      (Richard Lederer)

      An optimist is a doctor who looks after your eyes. A pessimist is one
      who attends to your feet.

      On Clorox Fresh Care: (for cleaning out odors from fabric) "Safe to
      use in households with pets Warning: Fresh Care is NOT intended to
      be sprayed directly on pets."

      Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

      I'll never forget what Roy Scheider told me when I told him my plans
      for winning the election. He said, "You've gonna need a bigger
      vote." (Stan Kegel)

      I'll never forget what the political press agent said to his
      candidate just before he conceded the election. "What we have here
      is a failure to communicate." (Gary Hallock)

      No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."

      You don't have smelly gym socks. You have "odor-retentive athletic
      footwear."

      "Bikini Exposures" by Belle E. Button (Willard R. Espy)
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