Puns of the Day 06-01-05
- PUNS OF THE DAY for 06-01-05
JEST FOR KIDS – THE RIDDLES
Why are there fences around graveyards?
Because people are dying to get in! (Chesley, 12)
Why did the cowboy die with his boots on?
He didn't want to stub his toe when he kicked the bucket. (Betty
Why was the math book so sad?
Because it had too many problems! (Elizabeth, 8)
What does a duck eat with soup?
Why did the baker stop baking bread
Because he wasn't making enough dough.
What's a cat's favorite breakfast?
Why do people dislike going to the dentist
Because he is boring.
Why did the pirate go to the movie?
Because it was rated ARRRRRGH! (Aleksa, 16)
What is a tree's favorite state?
Oak-lahoma! (Robert, 8)
JEST FOR KIDS – THE PUNS
All the lights on left Dad glaring (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
"How's business?" Blacksmith: "I've got too many irons in the
fire." (Richard Lederer)
A plumber struggled to replace a tight washer because he didn't want
to faucet (Pun of the Day)
After working all day, the investigator decided to go undercover.
The inventor of glass had to see it through.
I knew a prisoner who crowded his roommates terribly by building a
huge aquarium in their room. It was just plain cell-fish of him!
"Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company."
"Would you spell that, please?" "Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye.
S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you."
"Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."
PUNS IN THE COMICS
Secretaries work from here to maternity. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
TAGLINES & RIDDLES
Why is the seventh Sunday after Easter a great time to tell your best
Because it is Whitsunday (James Ertner )
When a tennis player gets his foot on the line while he's serving,
it's called a "toe fault". What do you call it if he falls on the
line on his rear end during a serve.
"Asphalt" (Doug Robarchek, Charlotte Observer)
I'm sure my wife will live forever. She has nothing but dresses she
wouldn't be found dead in.
This truck driver was driving down the steepest grade of the
Grapevine on Highway 99, when he realized his accelerator was stuck.
He exclaimed, “Diesel be the day that I die!”
I was surprised to see my psychiatrist in the audience of the Grammy
awards, and even more surprised when his name was read as the winner
for best new music genre. It’s called, “Shrink Rap.”
Which classical composer was lured into a furnace?
Ludwig van Bait-oven! (Rhain Lewis & Pat Tanzola)
She wanted to marry the company CEO but discovered there's no groom
at the top. (Bob Dvorak)
If your mom was divorced and then remarried eleven times to alcoholic
men, shouldn't you join a 12 step-father program? (Gary Hallock)
GROANERS & SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES
Edward works at a Wal-Mart. One day an older gent asked him, "Where
are Depends?" I took him over to the adult incontinence under-
garments and then his face turned red with embarassment. "No," he
said, and took an ink pen out of his pocket. "I want da pens."
After our air conditioner broke down, we called for a serviceman to
come and take a look at it. It turned out he was a high school
classmate of my husband's, a man named Love. He said to ask for him
the next time we had any problems. The following year, when we needed
service again, we requested Mr. Love. I took half a day off from my
job to be there. After he finished repairing our air conditioner, he
left his work order behind. On it was written my name and the
scheduling instructions: "Wants Love in the afternoon."
Now that the Ayatollahs run Iran, many of us probably do not remember
when the former ruler was the Shah of Iran. The word "Shaw" means
King and the word for the First-Born-Male-Prince and Heir-To-The-
Throne is "Shan". The recent Shaw was a very powerful ruler, but
there was some question about the Heir's potential. In fact, the
young man was a fine young man in all respects, but one. He was an
epileptic and occasionally prone to seizures. This was not
incapacitating and could be controlled by medicines given by a
personal physician who was to be with the boy at all times. On one
sad occasion, however, the physician had to heed the call of nature,
and was absent for nearly fifteen minutes. When he returned, he found
that the boy had suffered a massive seizure. As the physician was led
off to be beheaded, he heard these fatal words ringing in his ears,
"And where were you when the fit hit the Shan?"
May and her mother lived in California's bountiful Santa Clara Valley
where they spent all their time preserving the luscious fruit of that
abundant place. They canned and jarred whole fruit, jams, preserves
and jellies as each fruit was in season and they were famous for
their quality product. Deciding to try something new they bought a
carload of kumquats and began the preparations for boiling and
sugaring and all the rest. Finally mother had everything all set and
she called to her daughter to tell her part of the work could begin:
"Kumquat, May, we're ready!" (Himie Koshevoy)
Did you see the special on the Discovery channel last week about
Magellan's round the world voyage? They went on and on, telling how
tough it was for him to gather the equipment and the people for such
a commitment. It didn't help things that he was such a stickler for
rules, either. Only certain colored clothing was allowed on the ship.
The sailors were forbidden to sing songs with any religious or sexual
content. They could eat only twice a day, no more, no less. No
cursing was allowed. And, there was zero tolerance of any mention or
hint of homosexual behavior. Other authorities have indicated that
the voyage was not all that bed. Of course, historians have often
debated about the Straights of Magellan. (Eric Loy)
My brother and I used to fight over everything. Who would get the
best toy. Who would get the biggest treat. Well, on this rainy day
Mother discovered she only had one large lollipop for a treat and
told us we would have to share. My brother, who was two years older
than me suggested that he would take a wooden mallet and break it
evenly for us to share and I readily agreed, But when he hit it, it
shattered into a number of uneven pieces that we couldn't divide
evenly. Mother told us we should have expected that would occur. She
said, "You can never give a sucker an even break." (Stan Kegel)
The Zen Master goes up to the hot dog cart and says," Make me one
with everything." The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to
the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in
the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.
And the vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
Some botanists had just returned from an expedition to the South
Pacific Islands and was discussing their adventures with their
colleagues back at the university where they taught. "What was the
most exciting discovery you found there?" asked a fellow professor.
One of them replied, "The people native to this one island had
discovered the most amazing cure for constipation. Using only the
leafs of the local palm trees they concocted a suppository which
quickly cured the ailment." Another professor asked, "A palm leaf
suppository? Did it really work?" Replied the botanist, "Sure! With
fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it
was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not
going." "Why not?" she asked."I'll give you two good reasons," he
said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them." His
mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why you SHOULD go to
church. One, you're 54 years old, and two, you're the pastor!"
DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE
Copyright: To duplicate a disk without errors. (Taglines)
Magazine: Bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the
next issue. (Cavelle Ammar)
Bad Luck: Being shipwrecked on an island with your own wife.
Lousy Bastard: A fellow who sits in church and scratches while his
parents get married.
Gobble: If you keep playing around with sailors, eventually some
GOBBLE get you pregnant. (Stan Kegel)
Funnel: What FUNNEL be to play a dumb game like that? (Cynthia
OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS
A dentist who lives in Duluth
Had wedded a widow named Ruth,
Who is so sentimental
Concerning things dental,
She now utters only the tooth.
"I'm in exactly the right position for this step of the kata," Tom
informed. (Jason Dias)
"I'd like to donate my collection of volcanic rock to the Museum,"
said Tom magmanimously. (Bob Dvorak)
There are four symptoms of a cold. Two I forgot, and the other two
are too well known to mention. (Joanna Brietmeyer)
Mattress: Warning: Do not attempt to swallow
On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without
permission." (Irene Ariel Mystery)
"The Lady Pirate" by Peg Legg (Estelle Raderman)
PUNS FOR ADULTS ONLY
Have you heard about the fellow who was delivering an outhouse?
He had a good head on his shoulders. (Richard Lederer)
According to a new book called "The Hardness Factor,"carrots,
bananas and cucumbers are just as effective as Viagra for men. She
says personal research has actually proven that depending on the
size of the individual carrot, banana or cucumber, used that in many
instances you might not even need the man.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
His wife died. (Luke Davis)
The sweet young thing had invited two boy friends to dinner. The next
course was the fish, and as she put the platter on the dining table
she asked one of the young men: "What part do you like?" "I'll have a
piece just back of the head," he answered. The other smirked: "I'd
rather have a piece of tail
A woman had a number of affairs with different men all in one
evening. Six, all told... No, that's not true one kept his mouth shut.
Two knights, resplendent in shining armor and mounted on handsome
steeds, rode through the forest followed by their meek little page,
who was huddled uncomfortably on his burro. As they arrived at a
strange castle surrounded by the usual moat, one knight shouted the
traditional "Tally-ho!" to inform the castle's proprietors that the
travelers desired lodging for the night. The drawbridge was soon
lowered and out came a wispy fellow, dressed in flowing robes of many
colors. "Well, what can I do for you fellowth?" he lisped. The tired
knights, anxious for lodging but taken aback by their gayer-than-thou
host, looked at each other in dismay, then one whispered to the
other, "Promise him anything, but give him our page."
Once a king, always a king, but once a knights enough. (Richard Lederer)
The eyeliner and blush were subtle. The eye shadow and lipstick
matched. I thought I looked very pretty, but my girlfriend was
completely disgusted. So much for makeup sex being the best sex
you'll ever have. (Fazer)
The gay tattoo artist had designs on most of the local sailors.
It was the young Englishman's first visit to Las Vegas and, in his
innocence, he sought lodging in the city's red-light district. His
money, however, was as green as his outlook, and the madam gladly
offered him a room for the night. When a friend questioned him about
his accommodations over lunch the following day, the young Briton
replied, "Well, the room was very pretentious, you know, but gad,
what maid service!"