Puns of the Day 04-01-05
- PUNS OF THE DAY for 04-01-05
HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY
Today's Practical Joke: Identical cartoon strips from "Foxtrot", "Get
Fuzzy" and "Pearls Before Swine"!
A Minneapolis housewife went into her kitchen early in the morning of
April Fool's Day and found a 'Good Morning!' sign hung from a high
fixture. The door of a cabinet had been removed for fixing. At that
point she found a sign, 'Closed for repair..' In the refrigerator
crisper was another message, 'Lettuce Pray.' Inside the freezer was
another, 'Help! I'm freezing!' In the egg compartment she found, 'I'll
bet you didn't egg-spect me in here.' In the sink was,'What depths some
people won't sink to!' The dustpan had a note: 'Remember, man, that
thou art dust.' A bar of soap was decorated with, 'Once again Ivory
returned.' In the kitchenware drawer was, 'Hey, I've discovered
silver!' On the glassware shelf she found: "Big Tyrone Presents: 'The
Glass Menagerie.'" Inside a glove was, 'We just glove to have you.'
JEST FOR KIDS – THE RIDDLES
What kind of bandit steals from cats?
A purr snatcher
What did the outlaw say to the leaking dam?
On more crack and I'll plug you.
Why did the teacher skip class?
Because she was absent minded.
What did one eye say to the other?
Don't look now, but something between us smells! (Christy, 12)
What does a foot like to eat?
Free toes (Amara, 10)
Why did the crook rob the bakery?
He kneaded the dough
What is a geologist's favorite ice cream flavor?
Rocky Road! (Autumn, 11)
When is a dog's tail not a dog's tail
When it's a wagon (Mario, 13)
JEST FOR KIDS – THE PUNS
One who does magic tricks with bandages is a wizard of gauze. (Dave
The Medieval used armor dealer got every knight's junk mail. (Ken
A rumor without a leg to stand on will get around some other way.
If you ride a bus, you have to pay your fare share.
In a grocery store a cashier held up a small dairy carton and yelled to
a co-worker, "How much is half-and-half?" Without a moment's
hesitation the other cashier replied, "One." (Marvin Sanderford)
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.
Sit there and stop stirring!
A couple of hours into a visit with my mother, she noticed I hadn't
once lit up a cigarette. "Are you trying to kick the habit?" she asked.
"No," I replied. "I have a cold, and I don't smoke when I'm not feeling
well." "You know," she observed, "you'd probably live longer if you
were sick more often."
PUNS IN THE COMICS
Two birds in a cage being held by a miner. One bird says to the other,
"Okay! For April Fool's Day, lets have everyone play dead at 10:30 and
see how fast they get out of the mine." (Gadzooks: Joshua Matthews)
Early Media: Reporter: "So, Jonah, what can you tell us about your
ordeal?" Jonah: "Nothing much, I just spent three days with my friends
in Wales." Scribe: "Great! We can work with that." (Pardon My Planet:
"Go bowling? Are you crazy? I hate to bowl! I loathe bowling!" "Geez,
what's his problem?" "Irritable bowl syndrome." (Shoe: Cassett &
"Sorry, I had to stay after school and talk to Mr. Byers." "Our
guidance counselor?" "Yeah. He's worried about my education because in
class all I do is sleep all day." "Did he have a suggestion?" "Night
School!" (Nancy: G & B Gachrist)
I don't know if I'm politically right or left, but everybody seems to
think I' definitely off–center. (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
College of Psychology: "I once wanted to attend this school but my
parents didn't have the intuition." (PC & Pixel: Thach Bui)
TAGLINES & RIDDLES
The ballerina got so fat she had to wear a three-three. (Bernard
Archemedes was expelled from the public bathhouse. They told him "Get
out of displace! Eureka!" (Gary Hallock)
A maxi skirt is fine in a bungalow. But a mini Is better for stares
The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest
is kept up.
Normally getting caught singing in the shower isn't such a bad thing.
But when I was busted belting out, "Take me down to the Vatican City,
where the smoke is white and the boys are pretty!" I knew my days as an
up-and-coming cardinal were numbered. (Brad Simanek)
In 1772 Joseph Haydn met and fell in love with a beautiful East Indian
lady. Although baroque and forte, he composed himself. After going to
some treble, his pitch worked and they were in tune. It was, truly, a
Growing up near the railroad tracks years ago, I was afraid of the
hoboes. But Mom was great. There'd be a knock on the door at night and
she'd shout, "Leave it alone -- that's a bum rap if I ever heard one."
(Jerry L. Embry from Ruminations)
A policeman bought a house with a yard that was in terrible shape with
weeds, rocks and junk everywhere. But in no time he had it healthy,
green and beautifully manicured. His neighbors got together and cited
him for restoring lawn order.
My wife and I go camping often. We love to cook out and take long hikes
-- and the sex is in tents! (Bill Fluharty from Ruminations)
GROANERS & SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES
Recently, our town received a grant to build housing for midgets.
According to our demographics, they figured that we should have six
midgets living here. They sent enough money so that we could finance
the building of homes and let the "little people" pay less than the
going rate for rent. Since we have only one "little person" living here
it turns out that he won't have to pay anything for the only house we
built, the subsidy covers everything. We call it a Stay Free Mini Pad.
A motorcycle enthusiast complained that he couldn't decide whether to
buy a bike with high top speed and poor acceleration, or one with lots
of torque and fast acceleration, but a poor top speed. Eventually he
decided on the second one, because it cost a lot less. After all,
torque is cheap! (Marsha Coleman)
My teenaged niece Krystal was nervous as she took the wheel for her
first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the
instructor said, "Turn left here, and don't forget to let the people
behind you know what you're doing." Krystal turned to the students
sitting in the backseat and announced, "I'm going left."
Seems that a tribal chieftain's daughter was offered as a bride to the
son of a neighboring potentate in exchange for two cows and four sheep.
The big swap was to be effected on the shore of the stream that
separated the two tribes. The chief and his daughter showed up at the
appointed time, only to discover that the groom and his livestock were
on the other side of the stream. The father grunted, "The fool doesn't
know which side his bride is bartered on."
It is believed that the stock markets go up and down with the rise and
fall of the hemlines in ladies skirts and dresses. Proof of this
phenomenon is in the following historical facts: Glamour stocks and
mini skirts soared in 1993. Conglomerates and hemlines went down in the
spring of 1994. Hot pants led the Dow Jones up in 1971. The advice to
the investor then, is, ... "Don't sell until you see the heights of
A young lady, whose aunt was home with the flu, went to the office
where the aunt was employed to collect her paycheck. On the way home
she was robbed. "Help! Help! I've been robbed!" she cried. "Someone has
taken my aunt's pay." She was heard by a burly policeman who came
rushing up and said "Cut out the pig-latin and tell me what happened."
A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law for Sunday
dinner. As he arrived at their house he found his young nephew, Mikey,
helping them bake some cupcakes. After they were done, his
sister-in-law allowed Mikey to put the icing on. When the boy had
finished, he brought them to the table. "The cupcakes look delicious,
Mike." his uncle said. He took a bite and said, "Mikey these are so
good." As he finished one cupcake and took another, he again
complimented his little nephew. "The cupcakes look beautiful, Mikey,"
his uncle said. "How did you get the icing so neat?" His nephew
replied, "It was easy. I just licked them." The uncle turned pale. He
pointed to the plate of cupcakes. "You licked all of these?" Mikey
replied, "Well no. After a while my tongue got tired, and I got the dog
DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE
Terrace: To leave hurriedly (Bruce)
Stalemate: A spouse you're tired of?
Adultery: Two wrong people doing the right thing.
Rapscallion: A cool spring onion (Paul Benoit)
OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS
Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures:
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz:
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I will fear no Equal(tm): For thou art with me;
Thy cream and thy sugar, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of The Starbucks;
Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the House of Mocha forever.
"I heard what you said," answered Tom the deaf shepherd as he guarded
his flock and herd.
"I've only enough carpet for the hall and landing," said Tom with a
"I'm wearing my wedding ring," said Tom with abandon. :
"It smells like propane," Tom said aghast. (Nathan Phillip Howe)
There's a deep fly ball. Winfield goes back, back… his head hits the
wall… it's rolling toward second base. (Jerry Coleman)
Most men make the mistake of not washing their faces thoroughly with
hot soup and water before they begin shaving. (Richard Lederer)
A British Journalist actually said this during radio show .. Listener:
"My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial leg fell off at
the altar on my wedding day." Simon Fanshawe: "How awful! Do you still
have an artificial leg?"
Stock news: Pampers remained unchanged. (Sandy Sibert)
Sign at Proctologist's office: "Parking in Rear"
"Oh beautiful for space ship guys" (Richard Lederer)
"Your Future" by Horace Scope and Claire Voyant (Stan Kegel)
PUNS FOR ADULTS ONLY
My ex-girlfriend left a box of tampons at my house. I keep a couple of
them with me at all times. In case someone starts playing classical
music, I'll jam them in my ears. I hate music from that period!
An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He
had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a
hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did
excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one
used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next
morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the
cooler to get some water to take an aspirin. The executive approached
her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay
you or Jack off." Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like hell.
D'ja hear about the midget prostitute with an inferiority complex?
She was always selling herself short. (Julia Drew Watt)
Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them
accidentally slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one
of the men collapses in agony, both hands to his crotch. She runs down
to him, apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical
therapist and can help ease his pain. "No, thanks. Just give me a few
minutes. I'll be fine," he replies quietly, hands still between his
legs. Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently unzips
his fly and starts massaging his privates. "Doesn't that feel better?"
she asks. "Well, yes. That's feels great," he admits, "but my thumb
still really hurts."
If a doctor of geriatrics treats old people, and a doctor of gynecology
treats women; then, what does a geriatric- gynecologist specialize in?
Spreading old wives tails.
A cucumber and a penis were discussing their relative lots in life. The
cucumber said, "I haven't got much to look forward to. They're gonna
chop me into slices, toss me into a salad, and eat me." The penis said,
"You think you got it bad... first they shove me into a raincoat that's
about three sizes too small, then they shove me in this dark wet smelly
cave, and finally, they make me do pushups until I puke!!!" (J. J.
After my friend Larry announced loudly at the local drugstore that he
wanted some extra large condoms, his wife has sure taken a lot of
ribbing. (jerry L. Embry from Ruminations)
A guy goes to a house of prostitution. He selects a girl, pays her $200
up front, and he gets undressed. She's about to take off her sheer
blue negligee, when the fire alarms rings! She runs out of the room,
with his $200 still in her hand. He quickly grabs his clothes and
runs out after her. He's searching the building, but the smoke gets too
heavy, so he runs outside looking for her. By this time, the firemen
are there. He sees one of them and asks, "Did you see a beautiful
blonde, in a sheer blue negligee, with $200 in her hand?" The fireman
says, "No!" The guy then says, "Well if you see her, screw her. It's
An angry husband returned home one night to find his wife in bed with a
naked man. 'What are you doing' he shouted. To which his wife said to
her lover 'I told you he was stupid.'