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Puns of the Day 04-01-05

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  • Stan Kegel
    PUNS OF THE DAY for 04-01-05 HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY Today s Practical Joke: Identical cartoon strips from Foxtrot , Get Fuzzy and Pearls Before Swine ! A
    Message 1 of 1 , Apr 1 8:36 AM
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      PUNS OF THE DAY for 04-01-05

      HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY

      Today's Practical Joke: Identical cartoon strips from "Foxtrot", "Get
      Fuzzy" and "Pearls Before Swine"!

      A Minneapolis housewife went into her kitchen early in the morning of
      April Fool's Day and found a 'Good Morning!' sign hung from a high
      fixture. The door of a cabinet had been removed for fixing. At that
      point she found a sign, 'Closed for repair..' In the refrigerator
      crisper was another message, 'Lettuce Pray.' Inside the freezer was
      another, 'Help! I'm freezing!' In the egg compartment she found, 'I'll
      bet you didn't egg-spect me in here.' In the sink was,'What depths some
      people won't sink to!' The dustpan had a note: 'Remember, man, that
      thou art dust.' A bar of soap was decorated with, 'Once again Ivory
      returned.' In the kitchenware drawer was, 'Hey, I've discovered
      silver!' On the glassware shelf she found: "Big Tyrone Presents: 'The
      Glass Menagerie.'" Inside a glove was, 'We just glove to have you.'
      (Dave's Daily)

      JEST FOR KIDS – THE RIDDLES

      What kind of bandit steals from cats?
      A purr snatcher

      What did the outlaw say to the leaking dam?
      On more crack and I'll plug you.

      Why did the teacher skip class?
      Because she was absent minded.

      What did one eye say to the other?
      Don't look now, but something between us smells! (Christy, 12)

      What does a foot like to eat?
      Free toes (Amara, 10)

      Why did the crook rob the bakery?
      He kneaded the dough

      What is a geologist's favorite ice cream flavor?
      Rocky Road! (Autumn, 11)

      When is a dog's tail not a dog's tail
      When it's a wagon (Mario, 13)

      JEST FOR KIDS – THE PUNS

      One who does magic tricks with bandages is a wizard of gauze. (Dave
      Coble)

      The Medieval used armor dealer got every knight's junk mail. (Ken
      Kegel)

      A rumor without a leg to stand on will get around some other way.

      If you ride a bus, you have to pay your fare share.

      In a grocery store a cashier held up a small dairy carton and yelled to
      a co-worker, "How much is half-and-half?" Without a moment's
      hesitation the other cashier replied, "One." (Marvin Sanderford)

      Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.
      Sit there and stop stirring!

      A couple of hours into a visit with my mother, she noticed I hadn't
      once lit up a cigarette. "Are you trying to kick the habit?" she asked.
      "No," I replied. "I have a cold, and I don't smoke when I'm not feeling
      well." "You know," she observed, "you'd probably live longer if you
      were sick more often."

      PUNS IN THE COMICS

      Two birds in a cage being held by a miner. One bird says to the other,
      "Okay! For April Fool's Day, lets have everyone play dead at 10:30 and
      see how fast they get out of the mine." (Gadzooks: Joshua Matthews)

      Early Media: Reporter: "So, Jonah, what can you tell us about your
      ordeal?" Jonah: "Nothing much, I just spent three days with my friends
      in Wales." Scribe: "Great! We can work with that." (Pardon My Planet:
      Vic Lee)

      "Go bowling? Are you crazy? I hate to bowl! I loathe bowling!" "Geez,
      what's his problem?" "Irritable bowl syndrome." (Shoe: Cassett &
      Brookins)

      "Sorry, I had to stay after school and talk to Mr. Byers." "Our
      guidance counselor?" "Yeah. He's worried about my education because in
      class all I do is sleep all day." "Did he have a suggestion?" "Night
      School!" (Nancy: G & B Gachrist)

      I don't know if I'm politically right or left, but everybody seems to
      think I' definitely off–center. (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)

      College of Psychology: "I once wanted to attend this school but my
      parents didn't have the intuition." (PC & Pixel: Thach Bui)

      TAGLINES & RIDDLES

      The ballerina got so fat she had to wear a three-three. (Bernard
      Yabroff)

      Archemedes was expelled from the public bathhouse. They told him "Get
      out of displace! Eureka!" (Gary Hallock)

      A maxi skirt is fine in a bungalow. But a mini Is better for stares

      The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest
      is kept up.

      Normally getting caught singing in the shower isn't such a bad thing.
      But when I was busted belting out, "Take me down to the Vatican City,
      where the smoke is white and the boys are pretty!" I knew my days as an
      up-and-coming cardinal were numbered. (Brad Simanek)

      In 1772 Joseph Haydn met and fell in love with a beautiful East Indian
      lady. Although baroque and forte, he composed himself. After going to
      some treble, his pitch worked and they were in tune. It was, truly, a
      Haydn-Sikh affair!

      Growing up near the railroad tracks years ago, I was afraid of the
      hoboes. But Mom was great. There'd be a knock on the door at night and
      she'd shout, "Leave it alone -- that's a bum rap if I ever heard one."
      (Jerry L. Embry from Ruminations)

      A policeman bought a house with a yard that was in terrible shape with
      weeds, rocks and junk everywhere. But in no time he had it healthy,
      green and beautifully manicured. His neighbors got together and cited
      him for restoring lawn order.

      My wife and I go camping often. We love to cook out and take long hikes
      -- and the sex is in tents! (Bill Fluharty from Ruminations)

      GROANERS & SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES

      Recently, our town received a grant to build housing for midgets.
      According to our demographics, they figured that we should have six
      midgets living here. They sent enough money so that we could finance
      the building of homes and let the "little people" pay less than the
      going rate for rent. Since we have only one "little person" living here
      it turns out that he won't have to pay anything for the only house we
      built, the subsidy covers everything. We call it a Stay Free Mini Pad.

      A motorcycle enthusiast complained that he couldn't decide whether to
      buy a bike with high top speed and poor acceleration, or one with lots
      of torque and fast acceleration, but a poor top speed. Eventually he
      decided on the second one, because it cost a lot less. After all,
      torque is cheap! (Marsha Coleman)

      My teenaged niece Krystal was nervous as she took the wheel for her
      first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the
      instructor said, "Turn left here, and don't forget to let the people
      behind you know what you're doing." Krystal turned to the students
      sitting in the backseat and announced, "I'm going left."

      Seems that a tribal chieftain's daughter was offered as a bride to the
      son of a neighboring potentate in exchange for two cows and four sheep.
      The big swap was to be effected on the shore of the stream that
      separated the two tribes. The chief and his daughter showed up at the
      appointed time, only to discover that the groom and his livestock were
      on the other side of the stream. The father grunted, "The fool doesn't
      know which side his bride is bartered on."

      It is believed that the stock markets go up and down with the rise and
      fall of the hemlines in ladies skirts and dresses. Proof of this
      phenomenon is in the following historical facts: Glamour stocks and
      mini skirts soared in 1993. Conglomerates and hemlines went down in the
      spring of 1994. Hot pants led the Dow Jones up in 1971. The advice to
      the investor then, is, ... "Don't sell until you see the heights of
      their thighs!"

      A young lady, whose aunt was home with the flu, went to the office
      where the aunt was employed to collect her paycheck. On the way home
      she was robbed. "Help! Help! I've been robbed!" she cried. "Someone has
      taken my aunt's pay." She was heard by a burly policeman who came
      rushing up and said "Cut out the pig-latin and tell me what happened."

      A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law for Sunday
      dinner. As he arrived at their house he found his young nephew, Mikey,
      helping them bake some cupcakes. After they were done, his
      sister-in-law allowed Mikey to put the icing on. When the boy had
      finished, he brought them to the table. "The cupcakes look delicious,
      Mike." his uncle said. He took a bite and said, "Mikey these are so
      good." As he finished one cupcake and took another, he again
      complimented his little nephew. "The cupcakes look beautiful, Mikey,"
      his uncle said. "How did you get the icing so neat?" His nephew
      replied, "It was easy. I just licked them." The uncle turned pale. He
      pointed to the plate of cupcakes. "You licked all of these?" Mikey
      replied, "Well no. After a while my tongue got tired, and I got the dog
      to help."

      DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE

      Terrace: To leave hurriedly (Bruce)

      Stalemate: A spouse you're tired of?

      Adultery: Two wrong people doing the right thing.

      Rapscallion: A cool spring onion (Paul Benoit)

      OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS

      Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
      It maketh me to wake in green pastures:
      It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
      It restoreth my buzz:
      It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
      Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
      I will fear no Equal(tm): For thou art with me;
      Thy cream and thy sugar, they comfort me.
      Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of The Starbucks;
      Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
      Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life,
      And I will dwell in the House of Mocha forever.

      "I heard what you said," answered Tom the deaf shepherd as he guarded
      his flock and herd.

      "I've only enough carpet for the hall and landing," said Tom with a
      blank stare.

      "I'm wearing my wedding ring," said Tom with abandon. :

      "It smells like propane," Tom said aghast. (Nathan Phillip Howe)

      There's a deep fly ball. Winfield goes back, back… his head hits the
      wall… it's rolling toward second base. (Jerry Coleman)

      Most men make the mistake of not washing their faces thoroughly with
      hot soup and water before they begin shaving. (Richard Lederer)

      A British Journalist actually said this during radio show .. Listener:
      "My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial leg fell off at
      the altar on my wedding day." Simon Fanshawe: "How awful! Do you still
      have an artificial leg?"

      Stock news: Pampers remained unchanged. (Sandy Sibert)

      Sign at Proctologist's office: "Parking in Rear"

      "Oh beautiful for space ship guys" (Richard Lederer)

      "Your Future" by Horace Scope and Claire Voyant (Stan Kegel)

      PUNS FOR ADULTS ONLY

      My ex-girlfriend left a box of tampons at my house. I keep a couple of
      them with me at all times. In case someone starts playing classical
      music, I'll jam them in my ears. I hate music from that period!

      An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He
      had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a
      hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did
      excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one
      used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next
      morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the
      cooler to get some water to take an aspirin. The executive approached
      her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay
      you or Jack off." Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like hell.

      D'ja hear about the midget prostitute with an inferiority complex?
      She was always selling herself short. (Julia Drew Watt)

      Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them
      accidentally slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one
      of the men collapses in agony, both hands to his crotch. She runs down
      to him, apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical
      therapist and can help ease his pain. "No, thanks. Just give me a few
      minutes. I'll be fine," he replies quietly, hands still between his
      legs. Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently unzips
      his fly and starts massaging his privates. "Doesn't that feel better?"
      she asks. "Well, yes. That's feels great," he admits, "but my thumb
      still really hurts."

      If a doctor of geriatrics treats old people, and a doctor of gynecology
      treats women; then, what does a geriatric- gynecologist specialize in?
      Spreading old wives tails.

      A cucumber and a penis were discussing their relative lots in life. The
      cucumber said, "I haven't got much to look forward to. They're gonna
      chop me into slices, toss me into a salad, and eat me." The penis said,
      "You think you got it bad... first they shove me into a raincoat that's
      about three sizes too small, then they shove me in this dark wet smelly
      cave, and finally, they make me do pushups until I puke!!!" (J. J.
      Davis)

      After my friend Larry announced loudly at the local drugstore that he
      wanted some extra large condoms, his wife has sure taken a lot of
      ribbing. (jerry L. Embry from Ruminations)

      A guy goes to a house of prostitution. He selects a girl, pays her $200
      up front, and he gets undressed. She's about to take off her sheer
      blue negligee, when the fire alarms rings! She runs out of the room,
      with his $200 still in her hand. He quickly grabs his clothes and
      runs out after her. He's searching the building, but the smoke gets too
      heavy, so he runs outside looking for her. By this time, the firemen
      are there. He sees one of them and asks, "Did you see a beautiful
      blonde, in a sheer blue negligee, with $200 in her hand?" The fireman
      says, "No!" The guy then says, "Well if you see her, screw her. It's
      paid for."

      An angry husband returned home one night to find his wife in bed with a
      naked man. 'What are you doing' he shouted. To which his wife said to
      her lover 'I told you he was stupid.'
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