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Puns of the Day 03-01-05

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  • Stan Kegel
    PUNS OF THE DAY for 03-01-05 JEST FOR KIDS – THE RIDDLES Why are you putting lipstick on in class? I thought this was a makeup exam (Joel, 11) Where do
    Message 1 of 1 , Mar 1, 2005
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      PUNS OF THE DAY for 03-01-05

      JEST FOR KIDS – THE RIDDLES

      Why are you putting lipstick on in class?
      I thought this was a makeup exam (Joel, 11)

      Where do sunflowers go at night?
      To flower beds (Alana, 8)

      Why do dragons sleep during the day?
      So that they can fight knights (Deblynn, 11)

      What goes up when rain comes down?
      Umbrellas! (Kendra)

      How do you prevent a Summer cold?
      Catch it in the Winter!

      Where do books sleep?
      Under their covers (Troy, 11)

      JEST FOR KIDS – THE PUNS

      Artists know where to draw the line.

      The dentist and manicurist fought tooth and nail. (Pun of the Day)

      If you tell a falsehood just after waking up you are lying in bed.

      A chaplain on the sea leads the sailors in their warship.

      A guy was in court charged with parking in a restricted area. The judge
      asked him if he had anything to say in his defense. "They shouldn't put
      up such misleading notices," said the guy. "The sign said 'FINE FOR
      PARKING HERE'." (Steven Wright)

      PUNS IN THE COMICS

      Dennis: "Treacher said the school has a new 'dress' code, but I'll
      never put one on!" (Dennis The Menace: Hank Ketcham)

      Could you not teach too much today, Teacher! I'm running low on
      available memory." (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)

      Mundane is the day after a great weekend. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

      THE ONE-LINERS RIDDLES & QUOTES

      Would defacing money be a capital offense?

      Clones are people two!

      My doctor thought I had a brain tumor. But after extensive testing
      they found there was nothing there.

      Mooresville authorities are seeking a 6-foot octopus for the robbery of
      a convenience store. He is described as "heavily armed." His accomplice
      is a large porcupine described as "tall, dark and prickly." Police have
      issued an "all points" bulletin. (Doug Robarchek: Charlotte News)

      Maintaining the factory landscaping made him the plant manager.
      (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

      When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts
      when they try to decide which one.

      Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. (Groucho
      Marx)

      I want to have children and I know my time is running out. I want to
      have them while my parents are still young enough to care for them.
      (Rita Rudner)

      There was a geologist who became obsessed with fissures in the Earth's
      crust. He was constantly photographing and measuring them. He
      traveled everywhere to see new ones. His social life went down hill
      and even his personal hygiene took a turn for the worse because his job
      totally took over his life. You might say he was a …?
      Crack Addict (Tiff Wimberly)

      To be a successful horticulturist, you must learn to talk to plants.
      What subjects do they teach at agricultural schools to learn this
      skill?
      Fern Languages (Stan Kegel)

      What sort of license should you buy if you're planning to send lots of
      angry letters to your congressman?
      Balk Mailing Permit (Gary Hallock)

      THE GR0ANERS & SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES

      A certain man was infatuated with a young woman, but was so timid he
      never had the courage to speak to her. In fact, he told his therapist
      that every time he got near her he felt like nothing more than a tiny
      pebble. "Well," his therapist responded, "if you want to get the girl
      you'll just have to be a little boulder!"

      My sister is mute, but she wasn’t always that way. It came on her late
      one night when she was little. She was up watching "Night of the
      Living Dead" and she was so horribly traumatized by it that she ran
      screaming in terror to our parents' room. Mom said, "Be quiet! You'll
      wake up the dead." (Michael Bass)

      Nita's mother tried to scare Nita into responsible driving by showing
      her a video of a car getting into a dreadful accident, crashing and
      burning inside the Queens Midtown Tunnel. As a result, though, Nita
      became totally unable to drive through tunnels and would go out of her
      way to take the Triboro Bridge (way up at 125th Street) even if she was
      heading for Midtown. Finally her doctor put her on tranquilizers,
      telling her, "Take one whenever you know you're going to have to drive
      through the tunnel. Nita was not one to be dependent on medicines.
      Alarmed, she asked, "Is there something serious wrong with me? "Not at
      all," the doctor reassured her. "It's quite common. You're simply
      suffering from car-pill-tunnel syndrome." (Cynthia MacGregor)

      Charlton Heston walks into a bar with a gun and tells the bartender,
      "I'll have a beer, and a Scotch for my Uzi." The bartender recognizes
      him, sees the gun and quickly complies. Heston drinks the beer then
      leaves, not touching the Scotch. Next day the same thing happens. He
      drinks the beer and leaves the Scotch untouched. Third day he comes in
      and says; "I'll have a beer, and a Scotch for my Uzi." The bartender
      can't stand it anymore and says; "Please don't be mad, but why do you
      come in every day, drink your beer but leave the Scotch untouched?"
      "I'm teaching the gun control."

      I was driving along and I saw this sign that said 'MOTEL.'and under it
      it said 'TV.' I stoppeed at the place, got a room, and found out there
      was no TV set. I told the manager, 'There's a sign outside that says
      TV.' The manager said,' Yeah, Tourists Velcome!' (Syman Hirsch)

      A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian
      said, "We were the first in space! The American said, "We were the
      first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the
      first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other
      and shook their heads. You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll
      burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not
      stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

      DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE

      Adage: To become older.

      Propound: English opponent of the euro. (Mike Shinn)

      Woman: Man, the sequel. (Steve Fullenwider)

      Cantaloupe: When you are unable to run away to get married.

      Copper nitrate: Overtime for policemen. (Gill Krebs)

      Satisfaction:The congressman SATISFACTION of supporters in the gallery
      (Cynthia MacGregor) .

      Yemen: YEMEN, work harder! (Bob Dvorak)

      Saddle: If you're feeling SADDLE come over and cheer you up. (Stan
      Kegel)

      POETIC PUNS

      In prison Saddam Hussein got
      His supper, canned dog food, but not
      Too bad did he feel
      To eat such a meal
      He burped, then remarked, "Hits despot!"
      (Gary Hallock)

      There once was a vampire named Gabe,
      Who chomped on the neck of a babe.
      I had such good luck,
      When he drew one more cup,
      And exclaimed to me "This Blood's for You!"
      (Author Unknown)

      TOM SWIFTIES CROCKERS & WELLERISMS

      "They met below the bleachers," Tom said understandably. (Stan Kegel)

      "I've just had a frontal lobotomy," said Tom absentmindedly. (Simon
      Champion)

      "You must find a safer place to store these combustibles," Tom said,
      spontaneously. (Pun American Newsletter)

      OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS

      "Traffic is very heavy at the moment, so if you are thinking of leaving
      now, you'd better set off a few minutes earlier." (Traffic Report)

      I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right. (Marlon
      Starling)

      On the grounds of a Nairobi private school: No Trespassing Without
      Permission. (Richard Lederer)

      On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- Product Will Be Hot After Heating.
      (DeLyn)

      Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

      Let's All Make This A Bigger And Better State Fair. Leave your
      garments at our main plant right on your way to the fair. [Ad in the
      Shreveport LA Journal]

      On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.

      Wind in the Willows - by Russell Ingleaves

      A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

      PUNS FOR ADULTS ONLY

      On his wedding night Johnson kissed his bride on the forehead then
      rolled over and went to sleep. For the next five nights he never got
      any closer than an occasional peck on the forehead. Then came Saturday
      and Johnson left right after dinner to join the boys down at the
      poolroom. For his wife, this was the last straw and she began to pack
      her things. A few minutes later, Johnson burst into the room, grabbed
      his wife, tore off all her clothes, threw her down on the bed and began
      making violent love to her. "Why, all of a sudden?" she gasped. "Well,
      said Johnson, "the boys down at the poolroom told me you put out."

      For men, the first day at a nudist camp is the hardest.

      A worried father confronted his daughter one night. I don't like that
      new boyfriend, he's rough and common, and bloody stupid with it." "Oh,
      no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've only
      been going out 9 weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get
      once a month."

      What do you call boobs on a girl scout?
      Brownie points (Lorraine A. Bellis)

      "At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for
      the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small
      penis. Would you please comment on this?" "The truth is," replied the
      politician, "That she has a big mouth." (Tiger)

      What happens if you put the Energizer Bunny's batteries in backwards?
      He keeps coming, and coming, and coming...

      When my girlfriend asked if I'd take her to the theater to watch
      Sideways, I jumped at the chance. I don't know what movie is playing,
      but when you're given the opportunity to 69 in a public venue, who
      really cares? (Brad Simanek from Ruminations)
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