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Puns of the Day 02-01-05

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  • Stan Kegel
    PUNS OF THE DAY for 02-01-05 JEST FOR KIDS – THE RIDDLES What is a fund for needy musicians? A band aid. (Joseph Rosenbloom) Why did Johnny take a ruler to
    Message 1 of 1 , Feb 1, 2005
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      PUNS OF THE DAY for 02-01-05

      JEST FOR KIDS – THE RIDDLES

      What is a fund for needy musicians?
      A band aid. (Joseph Rosenbloom)

      Why did Johnny take a ruler to bed?
      So he could see how long he slept. (Adelina, 8)

      What does a frog do when its car breaks down?
      It gets toad! (Shea, 10)

      What did one magnet say to the other?
      I find you very attractive. (Clean Cut Jokes)

      Why was the broom late?
      Because it overswept! (Christina, 12)

      JEST FOR KIDS – THE PUNS

      There was a lingerie thief that gave an officer the slip. (Pun of the
      Day)

      The butcher who backs into meat-grinder gets a little behind in his
      orders.

      In sports, why does a free agent cost so much to sign? (Sgt. Snorkel)

      Helpdesk: How may I help you?
      Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
      Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
      Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle
      around it? (JokeMaster)

      Doctor Doctor I think I'm a moth.
      So why did you come around then ?
      Well, I saw this light at the window...!

      PUNS IN THE COMICS

      Cow to farmer: "You heard me right, mister. Unless I have the freshest
      hay, the cleanest water, and a large corner stall with a view, you
      won't get so much as a single drop from me." Caption: "Where spoiled
      milk comes from." (Rubes: Leigh Rubin)

      Pickpockets think every crowd has a silver lining. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

      THE ONE-LINERS RIDDLES & QUOTES

      Do you suppose that it occurs to the power company that they are making
      a double pun when they send their bill commanding "Please Pay Current
      Charges?"

      The chiropractors formed a partnership to open their new clinic. It was
      a joint venture, (Ron Arends)

      A manufacturer of percussion instruments tried to drum up some
      business. (Daryl Stout).

      A lawyer for a church did some cross-examining? (Pun of the Day)

      She spurned the printer's advances because he wasn't her type. (Jumble:
      Arnold & Argirlon)

      I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the
      first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that
      the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It's just a dummy
      suitcase to give everyone hope. (Erma Bombeck)

      I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as
      members. (Groucho Marx)

      Three out of four people make up 75% of the world's population.

      Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
      change places.

      The janitor had his work cut out for him. He had to replace all of the
      lightbulbs that had burnt out and there were many of them. By what
      method did he go about doing this?
      The Process of Illumination (Tiff Wimberly)

      Normally, Oriental food is light fare (you eat now, and hungry an hour
      later.) But what Oriental dish is sure to weigh you down?
      Wan Ton (Scott Ryan)

      If a southerner were to see this most impressive item, he might exclaim
      "Hoo
      boy! That's a …?
      Real Hum Dinger (Brad Williamss)

      THE GR0ANERS & SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES

      It's not just the stock market that's been telegraphing "trouble" about
      the economy. The price of thoroughbreds has matched Wall Street's
      gyrations. Yearlings that sold for an average of $27,295 in 1994 were
      fetching $54,506 in 2000. But recent sales have seen 20 percent
      declines from a year ago. Moral: If you invest in horses, don't expect
      stable prices. (Cathleen Shoemaker)

      "So I take my wife to this nice Chinese place and we're sitting there,
      wolfing down Moo Goo Gui Pan ... when, suddenly, this nice kid (who's
      been just sitting there, having a nice meal with his parents) jumps to
      his feet and pulls out a 9mm. "With a scream, he starts pumping round
      after round into his fried rice! Standing there, shooting his dinner.
      "With a sigh, his mother says, 'Now, Tommy ... If I've told you once,
      I've told you a hundred times. ... Stop wasting food!'"

      Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible
      record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a
      local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions
      and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single
      year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to
      another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on
      the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous
      position. Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."

      One Sunday after church Mom asked her very young daughter what the
      lesson was about. Her daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get
      your quilts." Needless to say, Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the
      Pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday
      school lesson was about. He said, "Be not afraid, Thy comforter is
      coming." (Pastor Tim Davis)

      I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it
      began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper
      blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain. Unable
      to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window
      I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large
      rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. I
      grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my
      blades and they worked just fine. What! You've never heard of . . .
      wind chilled vipers? (Gary Hallock)

      The math teacher posed this problem, "A wealthy man dies and leaves ten
      million dollars. One- fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to
      his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what
      does each get?" The savvy student answered, "A lawyer!" (Tom Thuis)

      I just saw a modern-day version of "Faust." In the first act he sells
      his soul to the Devil. Then he spends the rest of the opera trying to
      convince the Internal Revenue Service it was a long-term capital gain.
      (Renee from Napa)

      DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE

      Contraceptive: An article to be worn on every conceivable occasion
      (Lexicon).

      Allegro: One leg becoming longer than the other. (Bob Phillips)

      Dumpling: A very small, very rundown apartment. (P. C. Swanson)

      Coffee: Break Fluid (Archives)

      Paraphernalia : An infirmity brought on by over exposure to candle wax.
      (Gary Hallock)

      Satin: I SATIN something sticky and now my dress is stained (Cynthia
      MacGregor)•.•

      Toupee: When you go out as a group, be sure TOUPEE your share of the
      bill. (Stan Kegel) •

      POETIC PUNS

      This cream makes the
      Gardener's daughter
      Plant her tu-lips
      Where she oughter
      Burma-Shave

      On the day of his wedding, the male
      Should not peek at his bride, says the tale
      So try as he might
      To keep her in sight
      It all really is to know a veil
      (Ms. Kitty)

      TOM SWIFTIES CROCKERS & WELLERISMS

      "Psst! Your next line is on the cue card," he said promptly. (Weber &
      Byron)

      "I don't like hot dogs," Tom said frankly.

      "This rocket came from outer space," Tom said exorbitantly. (Sandy
      Sibert)

      OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS

      All I want from you kids is a little piece of quiet.

      Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge (Richard Lederer)

      News report: Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers. (Doug
      Helsel)

      During the Olympics a young diver did a spectacular dive and the woman
      announcer said, "see how tightly she keep's her legs together, nothing
      could ever get pried in between those legs" There was a brief silence
      and then everyone cracked up. (Peggy)

      Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of
      the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet
      will come forward and get a piece of paper. (Douglas Helsel)

      Magna Carta said that the King was not to order taxis without the
      consent of Parliament. (Joanna Brietmeyer)

      On a can of windscreen de-icing spray: "Spray works in sub-zero
      temperatures." (Ted Wilson)

      ANSWER: Shareholder.
      QUESTION: What did Sonny Bono used to be? (Johnny Carson)

      PUNS FOR ADULTS ONLY

      A man walks into a sex shop and asks for a blow up doll. "Christian or
      Muslim?" the sales assistant inquires. The man asks : "What's the
      difference?" The sales assistant says : "The Muslim one blows herself
      up." (Carol's Humor)

      The young novice nun soon realized that the absence of sex in the
      convent was a problem. She confessed to Mother Superior that it was
      unhealthy and she was restless. "Comfort yourself with a candle," she
      was advised. "I've tried that," she said, "But you get tired of the
      same thing wick in and wick out." (Haust Javeri)

      Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales?
      So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their
      heads. (GMNI Rising)

      One afternoon a little girl excitedly approached her mother and
      announced that she had learned where babies come from at school that
      day. Amused, her mother replied "Really, sweetie? Why don't you tell me
      all about it?" The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the Mommy and
      Daddy take off all of their clothes and the Daddy's thing sort of
      stands up, and the Mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of
      explodes, and that's where babies come from." Her Mom shook her head,
      leaned over to meet her daughter eye to eye and said in a confidential
      tone, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come
      from... That's where jewelry comes from."

      Why do stupid men put ice in their condoms?
      To keep the swelling down.

      The young lady admired the watch in the store window every time she
      walked by it. She finally entered the shop one day and said, "Just how
      much is that watch?" "It's $2000, ma'am." "Hmmm. Well, would you
      consider time payments for it?" "Just what sort of 'time schedule' did
      you have in mind?" "I was thinking two times a week for the next two
      months." (Douglas Helsel)

      I'm not saying she's easy, but she's done more screwing than Black and
      Decker.
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