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Puns of the Day 12-01-04

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  • Stan Kegel
    PUNS OF THE DAY for 12-01-04 JEST FOR KIDS – THE RIDDLES Why was the cowboy a lot of laughs? He was always horsing around. (Kid s Jokes) What did the magnet
    Message 1 of 1 , Dec 1, 2004
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      PUNS OF THE DAY for 12-01-04

      JEST FOR KIDS – THE RIDDLES

      Why was the cowboy a lot of laughs?
      He was always horsing around. (Kid's Jokes)

      What did the magnet say to the other magnet?
      "I'm attracted to you!" (Bob, 8)

      Why did the music teacher get locked out of her classroom?
      Because the keys were in the piano (Jamie Strack)

      Why did the ghost go to Hollywood?
      He wanted to take a scream test. (Deanna, 7)

      What should you do if your dog swallows a book?
      Take the words right out of his mouth. (Joseph Rosenbloom)

      What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
      A roaming Catholic (Tash, 15)

      How much does a Math Teacher eat every day?
      3 square meals. (Daily Groaner)

      JEST FOR KIDS - THE PUNS

      I could have been a cardiologist, but my heart just wasn't in it.
      (Jimmy Launce/Marsha Coleman)

      To get a wig, bald men have toupee a lot of money (Mike Bull)

      To save money you can shut off all your electricity; you'll soon be in
      the black (Mike Bull)

      A new mixer can create quite a stir. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

      In 1902 The first gum factory opened. An employee fell into a vat, and
      his boss chewed him out. (Daryl Stout)

      My husband's so dumb, he saves burned-out light bulbs to use in his
      darkroom. (Anne Kostick)

      PUNS IN THE COMICS

      A, E, I, O, and U are vowels and the other letters are continents.
      (Family Circle: Jeff & Bill Keane)

      Second Marriage: Hope over Experience. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

      THE ONE-LINERS

      A well-dressed man with scuffed shoes lacks polish. (Jumble: Arnold &
      Argirlon)

      I couldn't tell where Rio De Janeiro ended and Sao Paulo started.
      There must be a Brazilian people down there. (Harrison Cockerill from
      Ruminations )

      Goliath was surprised when David hit him with a stone because such a
      thing never entered his head before. (Phill Rock)

      "Does 'anal retentive' have a hyphen?"
      "No, it has a colon." (Sandy Sibert)

      Bottles of Viagra will soon carry tiny built in radio transmitters to
      help stop counterfeiting. A radio transmitter in the bottle. The only
      side effect is that when you get really excited, the garage door goes
      up. (Jay Leno)

      Lunar eclipses must be rough on werewolves. One minute you're making a
      macho attack on a beautiful co-ed, the next you're a bald, naked CPA in
      the back of a police car. (Jerry L. Embry)

      QUOTES

      Education is worth a whole lot. Just think - with enough education and
      brains the average man would make a good lawyer - and so would the
      average lawyer. (Gracie Allen)

      Do waitresses in greasy-spoon diners have positive or negative
      attitudes about having to cancel an order? We might well ask them:
      "RU-486?" (Don Hauptman)

      I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen
      days I had lost exactly two weeks. (Joe E. Lewis)

      Never ask a prospective employer how you did on your drug test. (Paul
      Benoit)

      My first wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney
      Dangerfield)

      THE GR0ANERS & SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES

      Russ heard a cry from the kitchen. He got up from the couch and went in
      to find Emma in a flour-splotched apron, and the table and counters
      covered with baking equipment. "What's the matter, hon?" he asked
      solicitously. "I got everything for this recipe," she replied. "Except
      for those few things you always have around the house. It calls for a
      bit of salt, and the shaker's empty, and I emptied the box last time I
      filled the shakers." Russ took her waist tenderly. "We have margarita
      salt in the bar, honey. That will work in a pinch." (Bob Dvorak)

      Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to
      know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of
      course, the bride broom and the other the groom broom. The bride broom
      looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome
      and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding at
      the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom
      broom "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!" "
      Impossible!" said the groom broom. "We haven't even swept
      together!"(Gail S. Angel)

      Sometime back during prohibition Bing and Bob developed a powerful
      thirst for some moonshine. Bing said, "I have a brother who lives up in
      the Carolina hills who has just finished setting up a little operation.
      Perhaps he'd let us try out some of his first batch of hooch." The two
      buddies hit the road to Carolina and tracked down Bing's brother just
      as he was drawing off the first bottle of whiskey. "Here, try this and
      tell me if you think it's aged enough," said the novice moonshiner.
      Bob, took a swig, made a sour face, and quickly pronounced, "Crosbie's
      still's mash is young." (Gary Hallock)

      Little Missy had to go very badly. She was so upset. There was nowhere
      to go and nowhere to hide. The situation was out of her bladder
      control. Then, before she knew it, it was over. All over! All over her
      pants. All over her shoes. All over the ground. Poor Missy was
      miserable. Moral of the story: What you pee is what you wet. (Stephen
      Kramer)

      While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
      interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down
      at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and
      continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I
      should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her.
      "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you
      please tie my shoe?" (Haust Javeri)

      A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business
      has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so
      desperate she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray. "God,
      please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money,
      I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
      Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays,
      "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house
      and I'm going to lose my car as well!" But lottery night again comes
      and goes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again Brandi prays. "My
      God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my
      car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I
      have always been a good servant to you. Please let me win the lottery
      just this one time so I can get my life back in order!" Suddenly, there
      is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open up and Brandi is
      confronted by the voice of God himself. God says, "Brandi, meet me
      halfway on this. Buy a ticket." (Cookie)

      CONUNDRUMS FROM PUNY

      What's the difference between something people enjoy at Green Bay
      Packer tail gate parties and kids like Bart Simpson and Dennis the
      Menace?
      One is the bratwurst and the others are the worst brats (Ken Pinkham)

      Ann goes to the beauty parlor for a permanent prior to leaving for her
      vacation in Central Africa. What message does she leave on her
      answering machine
      Hair today. Gone to Mali? (Stan Kegel)

      The king of Siam and the governess of his children were both taken ill
      and began vomiting. Everything they ate just seemed to come right back
      up. After a few days it was discovered that they weren't ill at all but
      had both developed an eating disorder. Of course the newspapers in the
      kingdom were closely controlled by the monarch and the editor was
      forbidden from publishing the true nature of their maladies. By
      introducing the story with a cryptic three word headline, the crafty
      editor was able to get around the king's order but still managed to get
      the truth out to the public. What was the headline?
      "Anna, Rex sick" (Gary Hallock)

      DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE

      Capitol punishment:. Sending someone to Washington to serve in the
      government (Cynthia MacGregor)

      Vice Chairman: The person in charge of immoral and illegal activities.
      (Stan Kegel)

      Engineers: What Native Americans hear with. (Bob Car)

      Madam: Someone for whom the belles toil (Playboy);

      Slumber: Can you build a playhouse with this SLUMBER? (Stan Kegel)

      Dynamite: "Wendy wouldn't blow you away, but her sister DYNAMITE."
      (Norm Gilbert)

      POETIC PUNS

      Dicicy Cory, rich as sin,
      Made his fortune out of poultry-raising,
      Could find no maiden to give in,
      Went around with all his passions blazing,
      Thought his life a total blight,
      Looked on his chicken coops and sadly said,
      "No girls for me!"-and, late that night,
      Went home and put a pullet through his bed.
      (By Frederik Pohl based on a poem by Edwin Arlington Robinson)

      Not by exercise
      But through adoption of kids
      Will we endorphines
      (Guy Ben-Moshe)

      TOM SWIFTIES CROCKERS & WELLERISMS

      "We got married last night!" said Tom with abandon. (Jerlyn F.)

      “I know why you agreed to meet with him under the bleachers,” Tom said
      understandably. (Stan Kegel)

      "We're going to have leftover cutlets tonight," Tom revealed. (Weber &
      Bryan)

      "I'd do whatever it takes to win," Bush whacked. (Pam Shorey)

      MALAPROPISMS SPOONERISMS & BLOOPERS

      A professor was introducing a guest speaker concluded his intro with
      "Let's all give our honored guest the clap". 24 students had to stifle
      themselves. (Anne)

      It was so exciting to watch! The cheerleaders threw up high into the
      air. (Gard Webster)

      Such behavior will result in immediately being exploded from the
      university. (Bizarre News)

      TITLES SIGNS HEADLINES & ADS

      Fencing In Your Swimming Pool Can Save A Child's Life (Richard Lederer)

      In dress shop: Sporty Sundresses For Convertibles. Great With Tops Down
      (Phill Rock))

      In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.
      (Bizarro News)

      OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS

      A valley nearby is a Glenn Close (Richard Lederer)

      A toilet crane is a John Derek (Richard Lederer)

      "Guide To Mixology" by Bart Ender (Neil Ennes)

      "The Future Of Robotics" by Si Borg and Ann Droid (Dave Coble)

      UNADULTERATED NEWS

      A Dutch actress who posted x-rays of her breasts on her website to
      prove they are natural has been accused of breaking the law. The Dutch
      ultrasound and radiotherapy association, NVMBR, has reported Georgina
      Verbaan for using a mammogram for illegal purposes. The star posted a
      copy of the mammogram x-ray to her website,
      <http://georginaverbaan.nl.html>, to disprove claims she has silicon
      implants. Her breasts have been the subject of debate for some time in
      Dutch gossip magazines in what has become known as the "boobgate"
      scandal. She appeared in the Dutch edition of Playboy magazine this
      month but the pictures only added to speculation her breasts were fake.
      But after she posted the images to settle the matter the NVMBR claimed
      that the use of x-ray technology without due medical reason is illegal,
      saying the regulations governing the use of x-rays was laid out in
      Dutch law. The NVMBR now fears a rise in the applications for
      unnecessary tests by other women wanting to prove their breasts are
      real. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_1194331.html?menu=

      PUNS FOR ADULTS ONLY

      At dinner one night, my sister's kids asked, "Daddy, why do you call
      Mommy honey?" "Mommy is my honey," he said. The kids picked up the
      metaphor and innocently ran with it. "Mommy's your honey! You spread
      her and eat her!" My sister and her husband were unable to look at each
      other for the duration of the meal, lest they crack up and then have to
      explain why.(Haust Javeri)

      I had a friend who played for a group called "Toxic Shock Syndrome"
      They weren't so bad, but they only played Rag Time! (Chuck )

      A local prostitute was brought before the court of Queen's Bench for
      solicitation. The judge was surprised to discover that the young woman
      was claiming not guilty when police had caught her in the act. The
      judge questioned her, expressing her surprise. "I am celibate." the
      young woman declared. "Celibate?" the judge asked, wide-eyed. "How can
      you claim you are celibate?" "It is my business to be celibate. I sell
      a bit here, I sell a bit there....." (Sydes)

      Do you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said,
      "If you build it, they will come." (Sydes)

      Paddy was walking through a town one day when he saw a shop with a
      notice in the window. The notice said "We sell everything". Paddy could
      not believe this so he went inside. He walked to the counter and asked
      the salesperson, "Do you really sell everything?" The salesperson said
      "Yes, everything". Thinking this was too good to be true Paddy said "OK
      then could I have a jumper for a chicken?". The salesperson said "A
      jumper for a chicken?, hold on I will have to check the stock out the
      back". Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper
      bag. "Here you go, one jumper for a chicken" "How much?" asked Paddy.
      "Three quid." replied the salesperson. "Three quid for a jumper for a
      chicken - excellent." said Paddy. So away he went as happy as larry.
      When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe he was done, so he
      looked inside the bag. At the bottom of the bag was a condom. He was
      mad and stormed back into the shop. He screamed at the saleperson "Hey,
      I asked you for a jumper for a chicken and you have given me a condom -
      whats going on?" The salesperson replied, "Sorry mate, I checked in the
      back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens, all we had was
      a pullover for a cock." (Joan DeGrave)

      What do you call a prostitute with her hand in her panties?
      Self employed. (Martin Flack)
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