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Humerus Newws 10-01-04

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  • Stan Kegel
    HUMERUS NEWS for 10-01-04 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE IN THE NEWS * TOP CARTOONS and QUOTES OF THE DAY Aide to Bush: Our best intelligence reports say the
    Message 1 of 1 , Oct 1, 2004
      HUMERUS NEWS for 10-01-04
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      IN THE NEWS * TOP CARTOONS and QUOTES OF THE DAY

      Aide to Bush: "Our best intelligence reports say the situation is
      deteriorating! More explosions and flare-ups expected! This calls for
      our usual rapid response!" Bush standing on rim of volcano: "Mount
      Saint Helens is safer than ever!" (Kevin Siers, The Charlotte Observer)

      All the experts have been on TV saying the one thing that each
      candidate must do to win. Like Kerry can't look like a know-it-all. And
      Bush can't be too simplistic. So basically the entire presidential race
      comes down to this, the smart guy has to look a little dumber, and the
      dumb guy has to look a little smarter. To win, each guy has to pretend
      to be more like the other guy. (Jay Leno)

      Republicans are calling George W. Bush the greatest American President
      of the 21st century. Democrats counter that Bush was the worst
      President of the 20th Century. But that's only because most of them are
      too young to remember Calvin Coolidge. (Stan Kegel)

      IN THE NEWS * TODAY'S COMIC STRIPS

      "I can't believe Dan rather won't admit those memos about the
      President's National Guard service are obvious fakes. I mean, you used
      to be able to trust TV news. Walter Cronkite, Huntley and Brinkley. And
      now… look who I'm talking to, a guy who gets all his news from Comedy
      Central" "Jon Stewart hasn't lied to me yet." (Prickly City: Scott
      Stantis)

      IN THE NEWS * THE DEBATE

      During last night's debate, President Bush and John Kerry agreed that
      the biggest threat facing America is the chance that nuclear weapons
      could get into the hands of a terrorist network. The only difference is
      the President believes that terrorist network is CBS. (Jake Novak)

      In last night's debate, President Bush said he was very concerned about
      Russian President Putin's decision to eliminate democratic rights, all
      in the name of fighting terrorism. But of course the President always
      hates it when people steal his best ideas. (Jake Novak)

      A quick poll of Americans who watched the debate on TV Thursday night
      found that 53% thought John Kerry did a better job, 37% thought
      President Bush prevailed, and the other 10% were angry that Donald
      Trump didn't fire anybody. (Jake Novak)

      Two men fishing, one reading a paper: "Did you watch the debate?" "Far
      as I'm concerned, debate is something you put in the water." (Mike
      Lester, Rome, News-Tribune)

      IN THE NEWS * THE REPUBLICANS

      George W. Bush refused to take Al-Quada seriously before 9/11. He
      failed to get Osama dead or alive. He diverted resources from the war
      on Al-Quada to Iraq. Only Bush can protect us! Caption: "Mission
      Accomplashed" (Tony Auth, The Philadelphia Inquirer)
      Bush shooting off six-guns in all directions wildly. Mother, small
      child in hand, says, "I' m voting for him because he makes me feel
      safe." (Daryl Cagle, Slate)

      IN THE NEWS * THE LAW AND COURTS

      Have you heard about this - Martha Stewart has been ordered to report
      to Alderson Federal Prison West Virginia by October 8th. What does that
      mean "by" October 8th? Why would you go sooner? Do a lot of criminals
      like to get to prison a few days early? So they understand, so it?s not
      all rush, rush, rush the first day. Get your curtains up, paint the
      room, do that kind of thing. (Jay Leno)

      IN THE NEWS * BUSINESS & THE ECONOMY

      There's a new $50 bill out to help stop counterfeiting. They made some
      changes to Ulysses Grant. There's now a red and blue background,
      glowing threads, and ink that changes from copper to green. Sounds like
      someone got a queer makeover. (David Letterman)

      IN THE NEWS * HEALTH & SCIENCE

      Doctors in Alabama say they've completed a surgery that has made the
      local Zoo's resident ape the first gorilla to receive an advanced
      pacemaker. But if that's really true, it must mean that Dick Cheney's
      pacemaker is out of date. (Jake Novak)

      IN THE NEWS * SPORTS

      According to a new study, by the year 2156, female athletes will have
      closed the gender gap enough so that they will be able to beat men in
      Olympic events. The news is shocking sports fans who can't believe it's
      going to take women more than 150 years just to get the same steroids
      the men are taking now. (Jake Novak)

      IN THE NEWS * HISTORY & CULTURE

      A survey shows L. A. workers are the happiest in the U.S. The majority
      put in a 9-5 day. And that's just on the freeway. (Alan Ray)
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