Puns of the Day 09-01-04
- PUNS OF THE DAY 09-01-04
JEST FOR KIDS * THE RIDDLES
What did the banana say to the doctor?
I'm not peeling very well (Anupa, 12)
What did the teen say when his younger brother played his drums?
“Beat It.” (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
What did the duck say to the salesclerk?
"Put this on my bill." (Mike Benny)
How many quarters does it take to play the new Lord of the Rings
None. It only takes Tolkiens. (Carole)
What did the Police Dog say when the train ran over its tail?
It won't be long now.
Why does the little moron wear a life jacket at night?
Because he sleeps on a waterbed. (Bill Edwards)
JEST FOR KIDS * THE PUNS
"Officer I wish to complain about your Police Dog chasing a man on a
motorbike." "Don't be silly," said the Policeman, "my dog can't ride a
motorbike," (Marsha Coleman)
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! (Questar)
Some bankers are generous to a vault. (Tony Thoennes)
He: Can I have your name?
She: Why, don't you already have one? (Krish)
You should put on more sun tan lotion in order to save face. (Pun of
First blonde: "I expect they'll be raising the gas prices again soon."
Second blonde: "Won't affect me. I always put in just $20 worth."
PUNS IN THE COMICS
He that loves himself has no rivals (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
In “My Fair Lady”, Eliza's father went shopping and put a couple of
clothing items on lay-away. He sang this song to the clerk. "Get me two
shirts on time." (Gary Hallock)
I've been attracted to Taiwanese women Formosa my life. (Bob Dvorak)
Most people don't realize that Jeffrey Dahmer tried to commit
suicide just before he was taken into custody, but the police arrived
and made him throw up his hands. (Jerry L. Embry)
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but I never got around to it.
One good thing about putting your best foot forward, it keeps it out of
your mouth. (Don & Sara Probasco)
Warning: dates on your calendar are closer than they appear. (Questor)
The greatest happiness you can have is knowing that you do not
necessarily require happiness. (William Saroyan)
I picked up a Magic 8 Ball the other day and it said "Outlook not so
good." I said, "Sure, but Microsoft still ships it." (Bruce)
THE GROANERS & SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES
A group of us, exhibitors of bloodhounds, were waiting our turn to
enter the ring for judging. One of us was an attrac- tive young lady
anxious to show her new hound. Just before we were called into the ring
the hound jumped up and placed his paws on her chest. The unfortunate
part was that, unknown to his owner, he had stepped in a dog mess. The
result was that there were two quite evident splotches on her blouse.
Undaunted she quickly put on a cardigan sweater so as to cover things
up and entered the ring along with the rest of us. As we were standing
awaiting the judge, a fellow exhibitor who was next to our unfortunate
soul, made several loud sniffing sounds and then uttered, "Pardon me,
but do you happen to have some grey poop on?" (Fred Barling)
During a performance for the high school drama class at the local
theatre, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed
to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins,
accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee. He apologized to
the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the
theatre shouted: "Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going
A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches. "I
feel tired all the time, my head hurts, and I'm not sleeping. What is
it, Doc?" The doctor examines him thoroughly and says, "I can't find
anything wrong. It must be the drinking." "Fair enough," replied the
lush. "I'll come back when you sober up." (Douglas Helsel)
When Bill's wife ran away he got so depressed that his doctor sent him
to see a psychiatrist. Bill told the psychiatrist his troubles and
said, "Life isn't worth living." "Don't be stupid, Bill," said the
psychiatrist. "Let work be your salvation. I want you to totally
submerge yourself in your work. Now, what do you do for a living?" "I
clean out septic tanks." Bill replied. (Haust Javeri)
A father finds his four year old daughter outside brushing their dog's
teeth using his toothbrush. Dad asks, "What are you doing with my
toothbrush?" The daughter replies, "I'm brushing his teeth. But don't
worry dad, I'll rinse it out when I'm done just like I always do."
CONUNDRUMS FROM PUNY
If you went to see Mount Rushmore and discovered the entire mountain
had been reduced to a pile of rubble. It would be immediately obvious
that the National Parks Service had been unable to save face so why
would you not even need to ask anyone what had become of the
It was a four gone conclusion. (Gary Hallock)
What do you call those after dinner candies that give you bright ideas?
Enlighten Mints (Stan Kegel)
What do you call an impoverished steam whistle?
Destitoot (Cynthia MacGregor)
A scientist took a machine used to measure light emissions and modified
it to detect ghosts instead. What might he have called it?
Spectre-Graph (Clynch Varnadore)
DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE
Unless: More (UGA)
Depression: The period when you can't spend the money that you don't
have. (Don & Sara Probasco)
Tadpole: Warsaw youth (Sandy Sibert)
Granite:. "Too many people take the good life for GRANITE." (Richard
Buddhah: The fans BUDDHAH long time after he made that error that let
in the winning run." (Stan Kegel)
'Come, lettuce get married,' said Arti.
'Will you celery keep two?' asked she.
'With carrot will do and I think, dear,
something better will turnip,' said he.
So off to old Pars'n Ipps cottage Onion road,
the wedding to stage,
they spud, and it took but a second
in his modern taxi-cabbabe.
But you can't beet a taxicab meter;
Appeasing the bill left him broke,
Caused a lump to sprout in his thorax
And nearly made poor artichoke.
However, they weren't Cress fallen;
To the house on the corner they went.
Woke the Pars'nip up from slumber,
On the greensward held the event.
And that is the endive my story
For there isn't much room left to write.
OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS
"Then the goat attacked the bull," Tom butted in. (Jason Dias)
“A man's home is his castle,” said Tom in a manor of speaking. (Stan
"I worship the number 3.1415927," said Faith piously. (Champion)
"It's hard to imagine, but someday I'll be a mother. First, I'll get
pregnant; then, I'll spend nine months in hard labor..." (Juel
Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some
deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
Why do we call it newsprint when it contains no printing but when we
put print on it, we call it a newspaper? (Richard Lederer)
Who was the model for the Mona Lisa?
The Da Vinci Coed (Andy Bassett)
"Outdoor Advertising" by Bill Board (Stan Kegel)
"Neither Borrower" by Nora Lender Bee (Laurie Ann Poole)
How did Alexandra ask Nicholas for a night of kinky sex?
Wear the Wild Thing, Czar (Chris Doyle)
PUNS FOR ADULTS ONLY
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for
some time at the only woman seated at the bar, he walked over to her,
placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and
slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm
sorry,. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why
you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed. "That's
really odd," he muttered, "You even sound exactly like her."
What did the police use to take the Bobbitt member to the hospital?
Peter Pan. (Jon Reiser)
One day while a man was working he cut off the end of his finger while
panicking he calls his wife and says, "Honey, I need to go to the
hospital. I cut off my finger." The wife replies "Your whole finger?"
The man replies "No, the one next to it."
*A boy who was the product of artificial insemination grew up to be
completely unmanageable. The moral: Spare the rod and spoil the child.
I went for piano lessons when I was a young man... I loved the finger
exercises, but then my instructor would put on her clothes and say the
lesson was over. It wasn't until many years later that I discovered
that I was going into the wrong building... The Music school was right
next door to a bordello... I can't play squat on the piano... but boy,
can I finger! (Curly David)
Streetwalkers appeal to Mayor. Assurances were given that all cracks
will be filled. (Questar)