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Puns of the Day 09-01-04

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  • Stan Kegel
    PUNS OF THE DAY 09-01-04 JEST FOR KIDS * THE RIDDLES What did the banana say to the doctor? I m not peeling very well (Anupa, 12) What did the teen say when
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      PUNS OF THE DAY 09-01-04

      JEST FOR KIDS * THE RIDDLES

      What did the banana say to the doctor?
      I'm not peeling very well (Anupa, 12)

      What did the teen say when his younger brother played his drums?
      “Beat It.” (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

      What did the duck say to the salesclerk?
      "Put this on my bill." (Mike Benny)

      How many quarters does it take to play the new Lord of the Rings
      pinball game?
      None. It only takes Tolkiens. (Carole)

      What did the Police Dog say when the train ran over its tail?
      It won't be long now.

      Why does the little moron wear a life jacket at night?
      Because he sleeps on a waterbed. (Bill Edwards)

      JEST FOR KIDS * THE PUNS

      "Officer I wish to complain about your Police Dog chasing a man on a
      motorbike." "Don't be silly," said the Policeman, "my dog can't ride a
      motorbike," (Marsha Coleman)

      Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! (Questar)

      Some bankers are generous to a vault. (Tony Thoennes)

      He: Can I have your name?
      She: Why, don't you already have one? (Krish)

      You should put on more sun tan lotion in order to save face. (Pun of
      the Day)

      First blonde: "I expect they'll be raising the gas prices again soon."
      Second blonde: "Won't affect me. I always put in just $20 worth."
      (Haust Javeri)

      PUNS IN THE COMICS

      He that loves himself has no rivals (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

      THE ONE-LINERS

      In “My Fair Lady”, Eliza's father went shopping and put a couple of
      clothing items on lay-away. He sang this song to the clerk. "Get me two
      shirts on time." (Gary Hallock)

      I've been attracted to Taiwanese women Formosa my life. (Bob Dvorak)

      Most people don't realize that Jeffrey Dahmer tried to commit
      suicide just before he was taken into custody, but the police arrived
      and made him throw up his hands. (Jerry L. Embry)

      I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but I never got around to it.
      (Questar)

      QUOTES

      One good thing about putting your best foot forward, it keeps it out of
      your mouth. (Don & Sara Probasco)

      Warning: dates on your calendar are closer than they appear. (Questor)

      The greatest happiness you can have is knowing that you do not
      necessarily require happiness. (William Saroyan)

      I picked up a Magic 8 Ball the other day and it said "Outlook not so
      good." I said, "Sure, but Microsoft still ships it." (Bruce)

      THE GROANERS & SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES

      A group of us, exhibitors of bloodhounds, were waiting our turn to
      enter the ring for judging. One of us was an attrac- tive young lady
      anxious to show her new hound. Just before we were called into the ring
      the hound jumped up and placed his paws on her chest. The unfortunate
      part was that, unknown to his owner, he had stepped in a dog mess. The
      result was that there were two quite evident splotches on her blouse.
      Undaunted she quickly put on a cardigan sweater so as to cover things
      up and entered the ring along with the rest of us. As we were standing
      awaiting the judge, a fellow exhibitor who was next to our unfortunate
      soul, made several loud sniffing sounds and then uttered, "Pardon me,
      but do you happen to have some grey poop on?" (Fred Barling)

      During a performance for the high school drama class at the local
      theatre, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed
      to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins,
      accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee. He apologized to
      the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the
      theatre shouted: "Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going
      through!"

      A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches. "I
      feel tired all the time, my head hurts, and I'm not sleeping. What is
      it, Doc?" The doctor examines him thoroughly and says, "I can't find
      anything wrong. It must be the drinking." "Fair enough," replied the
      lush. "I'll come back when you sober up." (Douglas Helsel)

      When Bill's wife ran away he got so depressed that his doctor sent him
      to see a psychiatrist. Bill told the psychiatrist his troubles and
      said, "Life isn't worth living." "Don't be stupid, Bill," said the
      psychiatrist. "Let work be your salvation. I want you to totally
      submerge yourself in your work. Now, what do you do for a living?" "I
      clean out septic tanks." Bill replied. (Haust Javeri)

      A father finds his four year old daughter outside brushing their dog's
      teeth using his toothbrush. Dad asks, "What are you doing with my
      toothbrush?" The daughter replies, "I'm brushing his teeth. But don't
      worry dad, I'll rinse it out when I'm done just like I always do."
      (Dave's Daily)

      CONUNDRUMS FROM PUNY

      If you went to see Mount Rushmore and discovered the entire mountain
      had been reduced to a pile of rubble. It would be immediately obvious
      that the National Parks Service had been unable to save face so why
      would you not even need to ask anyone what had become of the
      presidents?
      It was a four gone conclusion. (Gary Hallock)

      What do you call those after dinner candies that give you bright ideas?
      Enlighten Mints (Stan Kegel)

      What do you call an impoverished steam whistle?
      Destitoot (Cynthia MacGregor)

      A scientist took a machine used to measure light emissions and modified
      it to detect ghosts instead. What might he have called it?
      Spectre-Graph (Clynch Varnadore)

      DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE

      Unless: More (UGA)

      Depression: The period when you can't spend the money that you don't
      have. (Don & Sara Probasco)

      Tadpole: Warsaw youth (Sandy Sibert)

      Granite:. "Too many people take the good life for GRANITE." (Richard
      Lederer)

      Buddhah: The fans BUDDHAH long time after he made that error that let
      in the winning run." (Stan Kegel)

      POETRY

      'Come, lettuce get married,' said Arti.
      'Will you celery keep two?' asked she.
      'With carrot will do and I think, dear,
      something better will turnip,' said he.
      So off to old Pars'n Ipps cottage Onion road,
      the wedding to stage,
      they spud, and it took but a second
      in his modern taxi-cabbabe.
      But you can't beet a taxicab meter;
      Appeasing the bill left him broke,
      Caused a lump to sprout in his thorax
      And nearly made poor artichoke.
      However, they weren't Cress fallen;
      To the house on the corner they went.
      Woke the Pars'nip up from slumber,
      On the greensward held the event.
      And that is the endive my story
      For there isn't much room left to write.
      (Syman Hirsch)

      OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS

      "Then the goat attacked the bull," Tom butted in. (Jason Dias)

      “A man's home is his castle,” said Tom in a manor of speaking. (Stan
      Kegel)

      "I worship the number 3.1415927," said Faith piously. (Champion)

      "It's hard to imagine, but someday I'll be a mother. First, I'll get
      pregnant; then, I'll spend nine months in hard labor..." (Juel
      Goldstock)

      Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some
      deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

      Why do we call it newsprint when it contains no printing but when we
      put print on it, we call it a newspaper? (Richard Lederer)

      Who was the model for the Mona Lisa?
      The Da Vinci Coed (Andy Bassett)

      "Outdoor Advertising" by Bill Board (Stan Kegel)

      "Neither Borrower" by Nora Lender Bee (Laurie Ann Poole)

      How did Alexandra ask Nicholas for a night of kinky sex?
      Wear the Wild Thing, Czar (Chris Doyle)

      PUNS FOR ADULTS ONLY

      A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for
      some time at the only woman seated at the bar, he walked over to her,
      placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and
      slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm
      sorry,. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why
      you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed. "That's
      really odd," he muttered, "You even sound exactly like her."
      (Altoidman)

      What did the police use to take the Bobbitt member to the hospital?
      Peter Pan. (Jon Reiser)

      One day while a man was working he cut off the end of his finger while
      panicking he calls his wife and says, "Honey, I need to go to the
      hospital. I cut off my finger." The wife replies "Your whole finger?"
      The man replies "No, the one next to it."

      *A boy who was the product of artificial insemination grew up to be
      completely unmanageable. The moral: Spare the rod and spoil the child.
      (Richard Lederer)

      I went for piano lessons when I was a young man... I loved the finger
      exercises, but then my instructor would put on her clothes and say the
      lesson was over. It wasn't until many years later that I discovered
      that I was going into the wrong building... The Music school was right
      next door to a bordello... I can't play squat on the piano... but boy,
      can I finger! (Curly David)

      Streetwalkers appeal to Mayor. Assurances were given that all cracks
      will be filled. (Questar)
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