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Humerus News 08-02-04

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  • Stan Kegel
    HUMERUS NEWS for 08-02-04 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE IN THE NEWS * TOP CARTOONS and QUOTES OF THE DAY Which concerns you more, Kerry throwing away his medals or
    Message 1 of 1 , Aug 2 10:06 AM
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      HUMERUS NEWS for 08-02-04
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      IN THE NEWS * TOP CARTOONS and QUOTES OF THE DAY

      Which concerns you more, Kerry throwing away his medals or Bush
      throwing away your constitutional rights? (Etta Hulme, The Fort Worth
      Star Telegram)

      What Americans would like to see most would be Dick Cheney debating
      Teresa Heinz-Kerry on HBO or the Playboy Channel. (Stan Kegel)

      IN THE NEWS * TODAY'S COMIC STRIPS

      Classic “Boondocks” originally printed November 3, 1988: Children
      listening to radio: “And now the LIBERALS want to stop President Reagan
      from selling chemical warfare agents and military equipment to Saddam
      Hssain … And why? Because Saddam ‘allegedly’ gassed a few Kurds in his
      own country. Mark my words. All this talk of Saddam Hussain being a
      ‘War Criminal’ or committing ‘Crimes Against Humanity’ is the same old
      thing … LIBERAL HATE SPEECH! And speaking of poison gas” “Who’s that on
      the radio?” “Some guy named Rush Limbaugh” “I say we round up all the
      drug addicts and gas them, too!” (Boondocks: Aaron McGruder)

      My Campaign Diary by John Kerry: I resent the way my opponents call me
      a “Liberal” like it’s a dirty word. “Liberal” is a wonderful word, a
      Nobel word, an honorable word that I wish my #$%&*!! Opponents would
      stop calling me. (Mallard Fillmore: Bruce Tinsley)

      Unemployment is for everyone. A slow economy is for everyone. A dirty
      environment is for everyone. But marriage should only be between a man
      and a woman. Vote for George W. Bush. (La Cucaracha: Luis Alcaraz)

      IN THE NEWS * REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRATS

      Only a Republican could possibly believe dissenting opinions are every
      American's sacred right ... As long as it's in a "free speech zone" 47
      blocks from the event where no one can hear it. (MAD)

      Only a Democrat could possibly believe that with the threat of
      terrorism and the war in Iraq, voters would be concerned about how you
      served your country during the Viet Nam war. (Stan Kegel)

      IN THE NEWS * DICK CHENEY & GEORGE W. BUSH

      Bush took his second tumble off his mountain bike in two months.
      Speculation, at least among Democrats, is that Dubya must’ve been
      leaning too far to the right. (Dwight Perry, Seattle Times)

      IN THE NEWS * JOHN KERRY & JOHN EDWARDS

      John Kerry: “In this campaign, we’re only going to be positive.” Teresa
      Heinz-Kerry: “And if you don’t like it, shove it!” (Gary Brookins, The
      Richmond Times-Dispatch)

      John Kerry presented his case to a cheering crowd Thursday at the
      Democratic Convention in Boston. His tone was optimistic. He kept
      repeating that help is on the way until he sounded like Bob Dole
      manning the phones at the Viagra hot line. (Argus Hamilton)

      Kerry: “Let me be clear. I oppose this dishonest war that I voted to
      get into.” (Henry Payne, The Detroit News)

      “The tape on the floor marks where you stand.” Kerry: “I don’t need
      tape to know where to stand. That’s what I have pollsters for.” (Jimmy
      Margulies, The New Jersey Record)

      John Kerry's daughters joined him on the campaign trial Friday. The
      family stories in their convention speeches humanized their dad.
      Everyone left Boston wondering if they can live for four years with a
      president who gave CPR to a hamster. (Argus Hamilton)

      1984 • 20 YEARS LATER

      Freedom is Slavery (George Orwell)
      In order to preserve our freedom, we must imprison indefinitely without
      due process of law all possible contacts of terrorists unless they are
      members of the bin Laden family and my friends. (Big Brother GWB)

      IN THE NEWS * THE CONVENTIONS

      The NYPD allays our fears
      That terrorism in New York appears
      But the terror that's scariest
      Is not from the terrorist
      But that we might get four more years.
      (Bob Dvorak)

      IN THE NEWS * POLLS

      Registered Republicans in Orange County, California, were asked who
      should be George W. Bush's choice for Vice President if Dick Cheney
      declines to run again for health reasons. The results were as follows:
      Arnold Schwarzenegger 38.4%
      John Ashcroft 27.7%
      John McLain 12.5%
      Colin Powell 6.3%
      Bill O’Reilly 3.5%
      Other or Undecided …….….11.6%
      Of those preferring Schwarzenegger, 42 % were unaware Arnold was
      ineligible having been born in Austria. The remainder felt an exception
      to this rule could be made by the Supreme Court during wartime or for
      the national security because of the threat of terrorism. (Stan Kegel)

      The relatively small group of undecided voters chose to vote for John
      Kerry today following a major campaign by George W. Bush to depict
      Kerry as a "flip-flopper" who has been unable to decide where to come
      down on an issue. Today, A Zogby poll found that the few undecided
      voters reamining in the race -- a historically smaller number than in
      previous election cycles, due to an extremely polarized electorate --
      had chosen to vote for Kerry. "The Bush campaign forgot that these
      undecided voters were people who just couldn't make up their minds,
      even when the choice was obvious," said Zogby. "They immediately warmed
      to Kerry." (Tom Burka)

      IN THE NEWS * MICHAEL MOORE

      Fidel Castro aired Fahrenheit 9/11 on state-run television after the
      movie played for only one week to packed movie houses in Cuba. This is
      the last time Michael Moore strikes a profit-participation deal with a
      communist. It's enough to turn a guy Republican. (Argus Hamilton)

      IN THE NEWS * THE MILITARY

      The Pentagon triggered public fury last Monday when it disclosed that
      U.S. military plastic surgeons have been giving free breast implants
      and nose jobs to female soldiers. The male soldiers get something too.
      They get court-martialed for adultery. (Argus Hamilton)

      IN THE NEWS * TERRORISM

      First positive scenario to arise from the Patriot Act as Nicole Richie
      is forced to bare her breasts at the airport. She had metal nipple
      rings which set off the metal detector. (Fark)

      In light of recent terrorist activity, France has raised their terror
      alert level from "run" to "hide". The only two higher levels in France
      are "surrender" and "collaborate" (Robeo)

      A Pakistani journalist says al Queda may have bought nuclear weapons on
      the black market. Instead of invading Iraq looking for all those WMD,
      all we needed was to do a search on eBay. (Jim Barach)

      IN THE NEWS * THE REPUBLICANS

      Illinois Republicans finally forced Jack Ryan Thursday to quit the U.S.
      Senate race. Last month he said he would withdraw after humiliating sex
      revelations but his name was still on the ballot. Nobody retires from
      show business without a fight. (Argus Hamilton)

      IN THE NEWS * SPORTS

      Laker draftee Marcus Douthit, Providence center, has been charged in an
      ID-theft scam and faces a 30 year prison sentence. However, authorities
      stress that Douthit is not considered a suspect in the recent
      disappearance of the Laker identity. (Scott Ostler, San Francisco
      Chronicle)

      I just read an article stating that the Lance Armstrong may be stripped
      of his 6th Tour de France title. In a random check for banned
      substances, three substances were found in Lance Armstrong's hotel
      that are banned by the French: Toothpaste, deodorant, and soap. (Gil
      Ross)

      Congratulations to Lance Armstrong! Won his 6th Tour de France!
      President Bush phoned lance immediately after his win. Which was a
      surprise. Not that Bush called him. That he was able to get past the
      French operator without hanging up on him. “This is President Bush.
      Click. Hello, hello. It's President Bush.” (Jay Leno)

      IN THE NEWS * ENTERTAINMENT

      Richard Simmons was cited by police in Phoenix, after he allegedly
      assaulted a man who made a sarcastic remark about Simmons at the
      airport. If Simmons sees any jail time because of the incident, he
      already has his next exercise video lined up: Tossing Salad To The
      Oldies. (Patrick M. Rhody)

      “The Manchurian Candidate” is out. A conglomerate tries to put a
      brainwashed pawn in the White House. The movie is pure fiction. The
      election does not wind up in the Supreme Court. (Alan Ray)

      “The Bourne Supremacy” is number one at the box office. Matt Damon had
      only limited training as a CIA agent. In other words, he’s extremely
      authentic. (Alan Ray)

      The Miss America pageant has dropped the talent competition. It was
      always considered superficial. This now gives judges more time to
      observe the women in their swimsuits.(Alan Ray)

      Anna Nicole Smith denied having stomach stapling surgery Tuesday to
      suddenly to get her figure back. She lost eighty pounds the same week
      the richest man in America, Warren Buffett, became a widower. The
      question is, does she have an alibi?

      IN THE NEWS * WEB SITES

      Song & Video of the day: Political Slogans:
      <http://homepages.nyu.edu/~meo232/sloganator>
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