Puns of the Day 07-01-04
- HUMERUS NEWS for 07-01-04
HAPPY CANADA DAY
AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE
IN THE NEWS * TOP CARTOONS and QUOTES OF THE DAY
John Kerry's wife is reported as now being worth about a billion
dollars because her investments have almost doubled since the
inheritance 9 years ago. This is a pittance compared to the billions of
dollars in profit the Cheney family will be making on the
Hilliburton-Iraqi contracts.to be paid by American taxpayers for
generations to come. (Stan Kegel)
IN THE NEWS * TODAY'S COMIC STRIPS
To friend who is holding Ralph Nader prisoner: "All I'm saying is you
Democrats are worried about Nader stealing some votes and you need to
be worried about Bush stealing the whole election outright. Nobody's
vote will matter if the election is fixed. Aren't the two companies
that manufacture the electronic voting machines big Bush supporters?"
"It's true." "I think you're kidnapping the wrong people." "Yeah, but
Republicans carry guns." (Boondocks: Aaron McGruder)
"I've just got an e-mail that says 'yeast czar cow buttocks table
Canada'" "Spammers do that to defeat our filters. "Oh, thank goodness,
I thought the New York Times was sending me unsolicited editorials."
(Mallard Fillmore: Bruce Tinsley)
"Hey guys, sorry I can't hang in this sweltering apartment with you but
the next J. Lo. Wedding just got moved up a week and now I may actually
be in the wedding." "In the wedding?" "I'm a back-up groom." (La
Cucaracha: Luis Alcaraz)
IN THE NEWS * FAHRENHEIT 9/11
"Ray Bradbury wanted Michael Moore to change the title of 'Fahrenheit
9/11'" POSTER: Now showing: Picture of Bush. Marquee: "The Passion Of
The Anti-Christ" (Bill Schorr, United Media)
IN THE NEWS * THE ARMED FORCES
The Pentagon on Tuesday announced involuntary call-ups for retired
service members who still have Reserve commitments. They're not happy.
Al Sharpton is hosting a new show called I Hate My Job and it was just
picked up by Armed Forces Television. (Argus Hamilton)
IN THE NEWS * IRAQ
One guy who's excited about the handover is President George Bush. He's
thrilled about turning over power back to Iraq. You know why? Because
he's thinking about invading them again. (David Letterman)
Iraq has now been given sovereignty. The evolution of government in
this country is actually following an academic theory: the Big Bang.
"Saddam Hussein is about to face trial and George Bush wants to execute
him. Not because of the war crimes, but because Saddam is beating him
in the polls. (Craig Kilborn)
Iraq's new Prime Minister Iyad Allawi took power in Baghdad Monday. He
vowed a fast trial for his predecessor, he canceled elections and he
declared martial law. As long as he doesn't have two psychopathic sons
we still came out of this ahead. (Argus Hamilton)
Now that the world has seen Saddam Hussein again, there are many
questions to be answered. Arabs want to know if the trial will be fair,
Europeans want to know if the death penalty will be carried out, and
all the American journalists are just dying to know how he lost all
that weight! (Jake Novak)
IN THE NEWS * CHENEY
I hate to talk about people when they're not here but the audience last
Friday was bad. To give you an idea of how bad they were, half way
through the show Dick Cheney stood up and started yelling obscenities.
IN THE NEWS * THE CAMPAIGN AND POLITICS
Dejected Bush on podium. Behind him sign says, "Four Moore Years" "You
Idiot! Fix that sign!!!" (Jack Ohman, The Portland Oregonian)
IN THE NEWS * THE SUPREME COURT
The Supreme Court has struck down an internet porn law. The decision
was almost delayed. Judge Clarence Thomas had requested to see more
evidence. (Alan Ray)
IN THE NEWS * THE DEMOCRATS
John Kerry told reporters Tuesday he has no intention of releasing the
sealed files containing the secret details of his divorce seventeen
years ago. There cannot be anything interesting in there. That would be
completely out of character (Argus Hamilton)
IN THE NEWS * THE REPUBLICANS
The Republican National Convention is coming to New York City.
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to speak. I believe
this will be the first professional bodybuilder to speak at a
convention since, well, Janet Reno. (David Letterman)
IN THE NEWS * THE ECONOMY
The Fourth of July is Sunday. That familiar figure out in New York's
harbor will remind us of our independence. It's a ship loaded with oil
from the Middle East. (Alan Ray)
IN THE NEWS * SPORTS
Major League Baseball has banned the steroid known as THG. They made an
exception for the New York Mets, saying the Mets could use all the help
they can get. (Patrick M. Rhody)
New York Yankee Jason Giambi was hospitalized with an intestinal
parasite he caught at Yankee Stadium. The team got right to the source.
For the rest of the year, politicians are asked to sit at least three
rows back from the first base line. (Argus Hamilton)
IN THE NEWS * ENTERTAINMENT
Spider Man Two was projected on Tuesday to make three hundred million
at the box office again. It's the second of six Spider Man movies.
Michael Moore just caught himself wishing that President Bush could
serve six terms in the White House. (Argus Hamilton)
Britney Spears got engaged over the weekend to her dancer boyfriend.
That means her latest engagement has now lasted longer than her first
marriage. (Jim Barach)
Britney Spears is getting married again. Good lord she was married just
four boobs ago wasn't she? (Craig Kilborn)
IN THE NEWS * OTHER
Sunday is the 4th of July. Historians teach of what Paul Revere
screamed as he rode on horseback from Lexington to Concord. “This is
the last time I rent through Budget.” (Alan Ray)
Any statement made in these pages suggesting that George W. Bush may
have been upset about the contents of "Fahrenheit 9/11" is pure
conjecture on the part of the ascribed author. As far as I know, Mr.
Bush could have seen "Fahrenheit 9/11" seven times and laughed
hysterically throughout each showing. (Stan Kegel)
- PUNS OF THE DAY 07-01-04
Happy Canada Day
When you cross the border on your way south from Canada, you can see an
ad saying: "Welcome to the U. S. of A! We've got Bob Hope, Johnny Cash
and Stevie Wonder." On your way back (going into Canada) the sign
reads: "Welcome to Canada. Here we have no Hope, no Cash ... no
Wonder!" (Sandy Sibert)
Was it Dean Martin who passed out trying to drink Canada dry? (Bob
Teacher: "The Declaration of Independence was written in Philadelphia.
True or false?"
Student: "False! It was written in ink!"
Teacher: "Which son of old Virginia wrote the Declaration of
Student: "I think it was Thomas Jeffer's son."•
What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
The Americans licked the British!
Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!
Why did the British cross the Atlantic?
To get to the other tide!
Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!
What was General Washington's favourite tree?
What dance was very popular in 1776?
JEST FOR KIDS * THE RIDDLES
What do you call a haunted wigwam?
A creepy teepee. (Daily Groaner)
What do ghosts spread on bagels?
Scream cheese! (Rose, 9)
What happened to the mouse that fell off the shelf and into a glass of
Nothing, it was a soft drink. (Rosie O'Donnell)
What vegetable is dangerous to have aboard ship?
A leek (Kids Jokes)
How do you find King Arthur in the dark?
With a knight light. (Amanda,13)
Who keeps locomotives running?
The track coach. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
Why are opera singers good sailors?
Because they know how to handle the high seas! (Max,9)
How does the barber do his work so fast?
With short cuts! (Renaee,13)
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who mountain climbs?
JEST FOR KIDS * THE PUNS
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. (Mike Bull)
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. (Fred Barling)
Working as an elevator operator has its ups and downs. (Pun of the Day)
Have you heard of the upholsterers that couldn't cover their costs?
The best way to stop a charging bull is to take away his credit card.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in
the craft it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it, too. (Venky)
Police can do a search if it's warranted. (Tony Thoennes)
PUNS IN THE COMICS
The key to success in the shoe business is giving the customers the
right shoes for their needs: "What about somebody who is always
changing position?" "Flip Flops." (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
"My Uncle Bruce sent me a this boomerang, It's an Australian weapon."
"Isn't it aboriginal?" "No! I'M pretty sure it's just a reproduction."
(Mullits: Stromoski & McGarry)
What he heard: "I've abandoned all precepts of rational thought." What
she said: "Humor me" (Non Sequitur: Wiley)
The opera isn't over until the fat lady comes back from the ladies
room.(One Big Happy: Rick Detone)
Never confuse a piece of mind with a piece of lip. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
A friend wants me to co-sign on a house. Does my friend, in need,
automatically make me a friend, in deed? (Jenni Sequa)
The Bible says Joseph rode into Bethlehem on his ass. Well, duhhh! Did
you ever hear of anyone riding anywhere on their head? (Cynthia
Hear about the electrician that changed the flavor of preserves he used
He preferred alternating currant (Harry Marmoset)
What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine? (Judy's
The hockey player with liberal views played at left wing. (Jumble:
Arnold & Argirlon)
The electrician was disqualified from the race because he made a short
circuit. (Pun of the Day)
If bread were made with more sugar, would it be just as wheat?
An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and brought to the local
hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr. Epstein, are
you comfortable?" Epstein replies, "I make a nice living...." (Katrina
I answered the doorbell and a Jehovah's Witness said, "Can I talk to
you about God?" I responded, "Sure, what would you like to know?"
Mother (to couple in unlit room):"What are you doing in there son?"
Son: "Nothing, Mother." Mother: "You're getting more like your father
every day." (Further More over Sexteen)
Our so-fair bee queen hadn't flown
In a while with a partner -- she'd groan:
"I'm looking for svelte,
Lissome, lean in the belt;
And what do I find? Hippodrone."
A traveler in the Himalayas came upon a great gathering of holy men,
philosophers, and aspiring Buddhas. They represented all aspects of
belief and seeking, including one aged guru who was reputed to have
achieved nirvana by subsisting entirely on a diet of asparagus. The
traveler was astonished, when, in a sudden mountain shower, all of the
participants in this conclave were drenched, except the
asparagus-eater. The rain simply avoided falling on him, as if he were
roofed. "That's incredible," said the traveler. "Not at all," said
his native guide, "It is not sung of in America, even on Broadway, but
Bliss Is The Awning Of The Sage of Asparagus." (Carol's Humor)
I hear they created a new position for employees at MickeyD's - they
hire one person for each store whose sole job it is to straighten out
bent coins through hammering at them. He or she is, of course, known as
a Quarter Pounder. (Daily Groaner)
A ten -year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming
quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her
grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus, the
Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?" (Archives)
Two Arabs are sitting in a Gaza Strip bar chatting over a pint of
fermented goat's milk. One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping
through pictures and they start reminiscing. "This is my oldest son,
he's a martyr." "This is my second son. He is a martyr also." After a
pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab says wistfully, "They blow up so
fast, don't they?" (Katrina Black)
Master clock maker Raymond Tutu's masterpiece was this: At 1:58pm each
day, two tiny Volkswagens drove around the edge of the clock blowing
their horns, while a pair of inked ballerina fishes holding
schoolbooks twirled and danced, then blew on tubas which made a noise
much like the Volkswagen horns; thus Tutu's two tattooed tutued tuna
tutors tootled tubas at two to two too. (Jason Dias)
There was a young lad who was counting on his Uncle Al to take him to
the circus. On the big day, however, his mother told him that his Uncle
had flown to Australia to see the Davis Cup matches. "I didn't know
Uncle Al loved that game so much," mourned the boy. "Oh, but he does,"
she assured him, "Many's the time I've heard Alfred laud tennis, son!"
Advances in implant technology have made it increasingly difficult to
tell real from false. Modern implants are soft and pliant as the real
thing. In the old days, this was less true: implants were easily
detected with a mere touch. Only one medical school in the country
still teaches and advocates the use of these old-style implants. It's
called "the school of hard knockers." (Daily Groaner)
THE SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES
A woman was walking down the street when she saw a man walking a three
legged pig. She thinks to herself, "That's odd." She decides to ask the
man about the pig. "Excuse me sir, can you tell me why it is you are
walking down the street with a pig that only has three legs?" "Why
certainly," the man says. "I'm a farmer, and this here is a special
pig." "What makes it so special?" the woman asks. "Well, the other day,
we came across a school bus full of children that had flipped over in a
ditch and this pig ran down and dragged all of the children out to
safety. And just a few days ago, I fell into the lake and would've
drown had it not been for this pig going in to save me." "That's
remarkable. But, why does he only have three legs?" the woman asks.
"You see, ma'am," the farmer starts, "a pig this special isn't eaten
all at once." (Luke Davis)
CONUNDRUMS FROM PUNY
The number-one singer in the men's section of the choir was also a
bachelor of the first order. And when he hit those oh-so-low notes the
women swooned. One fetching soprano tried every ploy in her libretto
for catching him, but was perenially disappointed -- why?
She couldn't get to first bass. (Bob Dvorak)
What advice might you give one of a pair of gay guys nowadays that
sounds like what I did to a chicken last night?
Marry Nate, Ted, (Cynthia MacGregor)
Haley's father, John, a high-ranking British officer stationed in
France during World War II, had his staff serve him mushroom omelets
every morning. This was referred to as:
General Mills Breakfast of Champignons (Stan Kegel)
Paleontologists have recently discovered bones belonging to a dinosaur
and after careful analysis of the bone structure they believe that this
might have been the fastest of all dinosaurs, so they decided to call
Prontosauras (Tiff Wimberly)
Youthful Figure: What you get when you ask a woman her age (Stan Kegel)
Bellhop: A dangerous game played by children in the church bell tower.
Racquet: what the loser does in pool. (J. A. Mc.)
X-Ray: Ramona before the sex-change operation. (Keith Martin)
Pokemon: You can't take that cue stick on the bus because you're liable
to POKEMON in the eye. (Stan Kegel)
Bilious: as in, "We'll take delivery now and then you can BILIOUS."
Bandana : The Fashion Industry rallied strongly behind BANDANA. (Gunjan
TOM SWIFTIES, CROCKERS & WELLERISMS
"I dunno. I just like painting," said Tom easelly. (Bob Dvorak)
"I really beat up my former wife," Tom expounded. (Nathan Howe)
"Emily has put on weight," said Tom emphatically. (Fun With Words)
"Women are more," said Tom mannerlessly. (Jason Dias)
We shall come to Joyce's, bringing in the cheese. (Gail S. Angel)
There's a war outside and in my bed (There's a warning sign on the road
ahead) Neil Young "Rockin' In The Free World" (Gavin Edwards)
MALAPROPISMS, SPOONERISMS AND BLOOPERS
*My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? (Ray Hastie)
"Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old white male, mentally alert but
forgetful." (Marsha Coleman)
On New Year's Eve, Johnny Carson's "The Tonight Show" participated in
NBC-TV festivities, which included mobile unit pickups from the Times
Square area. In the spirit of the evening Johnny told his viewers, "We
now switch you to Forty-second Street and Broadway for a Times Square
pickup." (Kermit Schafer)
The Rev. Jeremy Sonnenfeld wants to visit many ministers, lay people in
the 27 conference countries. (Richard Lederer)
CHIASMS AND OXYMORONS
"Don't bother complaining, those who listen can't help, and those who
can help don't listen." (Kurt Bevin)
We have civil engineers; too bad we can't engineer civility. (Dennis R.
It is not at all simple to understand the simple. (Eric Hoffer)
TITLES, SIGNS, HEADLINES AND ADS
Vermonter Says More Skiing Goes On In Winter (Richard Lederer)
FREE! FREE! One shoe shined absolutely free. (Lawana)
'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories (Huntington Herald-Dispatch)
Washington Double-Crosses Della Ware (Cynthia Macgregor)
Delilah Cuts It Off - Sampson Crushed (Gary Hallock)
Chinese Restaurant Ships Four Tons Of Food -- Weight To Go! (Bob Dvorak)
CURMUDGEONS AND QUOTES
A shiver looking for a spine to run up. (Harold Wilson on Edward Heath)
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I
know." (Abraham Lincoln)
Thank God for the model trains, you know? If they didn't have the model
trains they wouldn't have gotten the idea for the big trains. (Jennifer
Coolidge, "A Mighty Wind")
OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 and 1/2
min. (Strange Cosmos)
A - Three squares a day.
Q - What's the least a crossword puzzle addict can survive on? (Gary
A: "Turn backward, turn backward, o time in thy flight"
Q: What's the only way I'm gonna finish all these assignments by their
deadlines? (Cynthia MacGregor)
A-- I sink therefore I am.
Q-- What have you learned from this buoyancy thing, Mr. Archimedes?
Moby Dick = A Fish called Yonder (Gary Hallock)
I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it (Laurie Ann
If Biblical headlines were written by today's media: On healing the 10
lepers: LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED "Faith Healer" Causes
PUNS FOR ADULTS ONLY
What does a prostitute have at the end of her shift?
A box of Assorted Creams! (Luke Davis)
Okay, so the Viagra my boyfriend took was still having an effect hours
later -- does that give him the right to go running to the emergency
room asking to see the head nurse? (Donna Ayers)
I used to be a necrophiliac sadist who was into bestiality but I
stopped as it was too much like flogging a dead horse. ((Archives)
"Daddy," the little girl said. "I didn't know Mommy is a magician."
"What do you mean, Honey?" asked the daddy. "Well," replied the girl.
"I heard her on the phone saying she was going to turn a couple of
tricks tonight." (Playboy)
Jill was talking to her hair stylist. "It's silly," she said, "but my
daughter has some sort of crazy idea about losing her hair." "What do
you mean?" the beautician asked. "Well, I overheard her on the phone
the other day telling her best friend that she hoped she'd be
'balled' soon." (Martin Flack)
I was scared at first. It was very wide, and very long, and it angled
straight up. I decided I had to try it once. I slowly and carefully
eased myself onto it. It felt weird at first. Then I got used to it. I
went up and down, and up and down on it. I was really loving it. *Now I
ride on escalators all the time.* (Jokes Uncut)
Have you heard of the new line of Tampax with bells and tinsel?
It's for the Christmas period. (Sandra Wilson)
What do you call a female midget who's nice and gives head?
Short, sweet, and to the point! .(Kurt Dayton)
The waitress at the Greek beanery married the boss, and they seemed
quite happy. But one day she sued him for divorce. Her charge: He was
indifferent. (Further More over Sexteen)
How do you get your husband interested in oral sex?
Douche with beer (Sandra Wilson)
Did you hear about the blonde who thought Moby Dick was a venereal
disease? (Curly David)
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies! (Katrina Black)