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Humerus News of the Day 06-01-04

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  • Stan Kegel
    HUMERUS NEWS for 06-01-04 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE IN THE NEWS * TOP CARTOONS and QUOTES OF THE DAY World War II Memorial: Here we mark the price of Freedom.
    Message 1 of 1 , Jun 1, 2004
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      HUMERUS NEWS for 06-01-04

      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      IN THE NEWS * TOP CARTOONS and QUOTES OF THE DAY

      World War II Memorial: Here we mark the price of Freedom. The White
      House: Here we don't, "The War on terrorism drained the treasury, but
      let's slash taxes for the rich anyway!" Caption: "Freedom isn't
      free"(Mike Thompson, The Detroit Free Press)

      Our top story, in 'Threat Matrix Reloaded' news ... Attorney General
      John Ashcroft and FBI Director Robert Muller held a press conference
      today to announce that Al Qaeda is planning attacks somewhere inside
      the United States at sometime in the future. So go about your normal
      lives, but with a vague sense of foreboding. (Craig Kilborn)

      Song of the Week: "Keep Him In The Dark" Capital Steps
      http://www.capsteps.com/sounds/powell-keepindark.mp3

      IN THE NEWS * TODAY'S COMIC STRIPS

      "The lawn mower ran out of gas, Grandpa." "Well, I guess the lawn will
      have to wait until gas prices drop. You're of the hook, boy." "For the
      record, I do feel guilty when the President's disastrous foreign
      policies accidentally benefit me personally." (Boondocks: Aaron
      McGruder)

      IN THE NEWS - TERRORISM

      Ashcroft terror alert: "Don't know who, Don't know how, don't know
      when, don't know what, don't know where! All I do know is you can't say
      we didn't warn you." (Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune)

      Uncle Sam looking in Medicine Cabinet sees Ashcroft looking out. Uncle
      Sam: Why don't I feel safer?" `ml

      John Kerry promised Tuesday that as president he would destroy the
      terrorists. He might have an edge in Middle East policy. By the time
      John Kerry is in the tenth minute of any speech, Arabs duck for cover
      thinking that a drone is overhead. (Argus Hamilton)

      Attorney General John Ashcroft said today that Al Qaeda is determined
      to attack the United States sometime this summer. He said the
      terrorists may do it to try to influence our Presidential election. So
      Al Qaeda is basically like Ralph Nader, only with more followers. (Jay
      Leno)

      IN THE NEWS * THE CAMPAIGN AND POLITICS

      Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry gave an hour- long
      interview to the New York Times Friday. He didn't say much. John Kerry
      uses such long words that he can give an hour-long interview and still
      be described as a man of few words. (Argus Hamilton)

      John Kerry spoke at an outdoor rally in Seattle Wednesday and the crowd
      got drenched by rain. The Secret Service would not let them use
      umbrellas. No one's allowed to bring umbrellas to a John Kerry rally in
      case The Penguin shows up to kill him. (Argus Hamilton)

      John Kerry has a new 757 jet to use while he campaigns for president.
      In the event that Kerry starts speaking, oxygen masks fall from the
      ceiling to keep people awake." —Jay Leno

      IN THE NEWS * THE ECONOMY

      First it was gas prices soaring now its milk prices... with gas over 2
      bucks a gallon, milk has climbed to 3 bucks a gallon, and don't forget
      that most gas stations are also convenience stores and they are self
      serve so you may have to milk your own cow. (Jill K.)

      The Automobile Club said Sunday that three-dollar-a-gallon gasoline
      could be a reality by fall. It changes people. No one wants to say
      stealing is the answer, but polls show most Americans favor Rickey
      Henderson to be the new president of Iraq. (Argus Hamilton)

      IN THE NEWS – THE ENVIRONMENT

      The White House hosted the Rolling Thunder motorcycle group Sunday.
      They are a tough-looking crowd. Animal rights activists harass people
      wearing fur instead of leather because it's a lot safer to throw paint
      on little old ladies than on bikers. (Argus Hamilton)

      IN THE NEWS * THE CLINTONS

      Bill Clinton will begin his book tour Thursday with a speech in
      Chicago. He's tanned, he's slim, and he will be meeting thousands of
      women at bookstores. Normally there's a poster of the book cover behind
      the author, but in this case there will be a giant legal disclaimer
      stating that you approach Bill Clinton at your own risk. (Argus
      Hamilton)

      The New York Post ays Bill Clinton is shopping for an apartment in town
      for weeknights. He's too hoarse to comment. For hours last night he
      practiced telling Hillary that cutting out his one-hour commute reduces
      our dependence on foreign oil. (Argus Hamilton)

      Hillary Clinton raised a fortune for Arizona Democrats Thursday night.
      She's simply unbelievable. No one believed her four years ago when she
      said she loved her husband and no one believes her today when she says
      she hopes John Kerry wins. (Argus Hamilton)

      IN THE NEWS * HISTORY

      France will host sixteen heads of state at the D-Day anniversary
      ceremonies Sunday. The French government said for the first time in
      sixty years, Germany will be represented. To tell the truth, it's the
      second time, but it's considered bad taste to bring it up. (Argus
      Hamilton)

      IN THE NEWS - EDUCATION

      They say teaching Sex Education in the public schools will promote
      promiscuity. With our educational system? If we promote promiscuity the
      same way we promote math or science, they've got nothing to worry
      about. (Beverly Mickins)

      IN THE NEWS -SCIENCE

      According to a new study, men who drive Porsches are the most likely to
      have extramarital affairs. Do you know who has the least affairs? Guys
      who ride the bus. (Jay Leno)

      IN THE NEWS • ENTERTAINMENT

      Seems every time we turn around there's another Harry Potter novel or
      movie. This woman doesn't let any grass grow under her feet. She's
      really churning out the books, movies and merchandise. I guess it's
      true what they say, "Rowling's tomes gather no moss." (Gary Hallock)

      The Day After Tomorrow opened Friday in which polar melting caused by
      global warming destroys the planet. There is no scientific basis for
      the claims in the movie. The ice shelf isn't breaking up, the Clintons
      insist they are happily married. (Argus Hamilton)

      Jan Berry of the surf group Jan and Dean has died. They recorded their
      hits back in the 60's, when people could sing about their "Woody"
      without the threat of an FCC investigation. (Jim Barach)

      IN THE NEWS * OTHER

      Las Vegas ordered emergency water rationing on Thursday to battle the
      drought that's drying up the city's water supply. The consequences of
      the drought could be far-reaching. If Lake Mead drops another fifteen
      feet we could find Jimmy Hoffa. (Argus Hamilton)

      John Kerry was introduced to a Seattle audience on Thursday by Gary
      Hart. Hart was chased out of presidential politics sixteen years ago
      when he was photographed with a beautiful blonde on his lap aboard a
      yacht called the Monkey Business. He was never going to carry the Red
      States by glamorizing the teaching of evolution. (Argus Hamilton)
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