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Humerus News for 05-02-04

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  • Stan Kegel
    HUMERUS NEWS for 05-02-04 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE IN THE NEWS * TOP CARTOONS and QUOTES OF THE DAY Soldiers saluting as row after row of flag covered coffins
    Message 1 of 1 , May 3, 2004
      HUMERUS NEWS for 05-02-04
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      IN THE NEWS * TOP CARTOONS and QUOTES OF THE DAY

      Soldiers saluting as row after row of flag covered coffins as they
      pass. Bush and Chaney obstructing the view holding pictures in front of
      them: Bush - "Look! Here's a photo of two men marrying!" Cheney -
      "Look at this photo instead - of John Kerry, Jane Fonda, and Satan!"
      (Lalo Alcazar, Los Angeles Weekly)

      It's election time again. Democrats are warning us about Republicans.
      Republicans are warning us about Democrats. There hasn't been this much
      hypocritical rhetoric flying around since Rush Limbaugh said drug users
      should be punished. (Alan Ray)

      At the conclusion of his radio address, the President tried to put to
      rest the lingering controversy about his military status during the
      Vietnam War, telling his radio audience, “Go ahead and look at my
      Vietnam war record – you won’t find anything.” (Andy Borowitz)

      President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney answered questions
      before the 9/11 commission ... They did not testify under oath, there
      was no videotape, no audiotape, not even a stenographer writing down
      the questions or the answers; there's no record of any kind; kind of
      like President Bush's National Guard service. (Jay Leno)

      IN THE NEWS * TODAY'S COMIC STRIPS

      "Bush has no idea of what he is doing." "Oh, yes he does! He's a war
      president!" TV: Iraq is in full revote." "Looks like he's a 'Civil War
      President." (La Cucaracha: Lato Alcazar)

      "Air America", the new liberal talk-radio network, on the air for just
      six weeks is already encountering its first major problem, the current
      absence of federal legislation reuiring people to listen to liberal
      talk-radio. (Millard Fillmore: Bruce Tinsley)

      TV: And in other news - Do not ask questions about the President. Do
      not ask questions about the war. Do what we say. We are your only
      defense against the evil people of the world. You are getting sleepy.
      Buy Nikes." Boy: "Hey, that's what it sounds like to me." (Boondocks:
      Aaron McGruder)

      "I didn't know you had to register to vote for 'American Idol'." "No,
      Fresno. Not for 'American Idol, for the Big Contest - the one that
      really affects our lives!" I think you're confused Vero. Only 'The
      Donald' votes for the Apprentice." (La Cucaracha: Lalo Alcazaz)

      IN THE NEWS * THE 9/11 COMMISSION

      Bush in Airman's uniform one year later on the deck of the USSS 9-11
      Commission: "Yes, I answered every question they asked me!" Man:"He
      says the almighty is his co-pilot." Chasney: "Wll, I'm flattered …"
      (Mark Streeter, The Savannah Morning News) "

      President Bush and Vice President Cheney went before the commission
      investigating what exactly happened on 9/11. The President is
      weird...afterwards, he told reporters he 'enjoyed' it. What? You can
      say many things, but you can't 'enjoy' it. We kicked back, talked about
      9/11, there were cookies — it was good times! (Jimmy Kimmel)
      Puppet Bush on Chaney's knee: "Sure I can testify while Dick Chaney is
      drinking water - but then I sound a lot like Paul Wolfowicz. (Milt
      Priggee, Spokane Daily Herald)

      Chaney holding puppet at 9-11 Commission: "Its Howdy Doody Time!" (Bill
      Day, Memphis Commercial Appeal) (And several others with Bush as
      puppet in a similar vein)

      Bush: After reviewing all the intelligence, and weighing all the
      warnings, I decided there was no credible threat from … the 9/11
      Commission!" (Dan Wasserman, The Boston Globe)

      It was kind of like Family Feud, every time Bush would answer a
      question, Cheney would go 'Good answer, good answer.' (Jay Leno)

      IN THE NEWS - IRAQ

      US troops resting from battle. One reading newspaper with headeline:
      "Rumsfield: Fallujah fighting the works of a few pockets of
      resistance." Soldier: "At this point I'd settle for 'a few pockets of
      acceptance'." ( M. e. Cohen, New Jersey)

      One year after President George W. Bush landed on the aircraft carrier
      USS Abraham Lincoln to celebrate the end of the major combat phase in
      Iraq, Mr. Bush said that the “Mission Accomplished” banner onboard the
      carrier was “a typo.” “That banner was not supposed to say ‘Mission
      Accomplished,’ It was supposed to say ‘Still Difficult Work Ahead'."
      (Andy Borowitz)

      IN THE NEWS - VIETNAM

      The President tried to put to rest the lingering controversy about his
      military status during the Vietnam War, telling his radio audience, “Go
      ahead and look at my Vietnam war record – you won’t find anything.”
      (Andy Borowitz)

      Citizen: Iraq's like Vietnam: "Phony excuse for entering, no strategic
      interest, no exit strategy, unpopular regeme 'hearts and minds',
      coffins coming home, more and more troops, …" Bush: "Ahem - No Draft"
      Citizen: "Yet!!" (Tim Menees, The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)

      IN THE NEWS * THE CAMPAIGN AND POLITICS

      Someone gave me the new John Kerry answering machine. The only problem
      — it doesn't have a message! (Jay Leno)

      Vote Bush in '04: It's a no-brainer! (Renee From Napa)

      John Kerry's wife Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek magazine
      this week and they said that if he is elected president, she will be
      the oldest first lady in American history. But that doesn't bother John
      Kerry, he said, 'To me, she looks like a million bucks' (Jay Leno)

      Teresa Heinz Kerry made the cover of Newsweek last Monday with an
      interview she gave revealing how new she is to national campaigns. For
      instance, she told John Kerry that when he talks to voters he should
      just be himself. That's terrible advice. (Argus Hamilton)

      IN THE NEWS * THE ECONOMY

      Experts are predicting that gas could go up to $3 a gallon by the end
      of the year. But, the oil companies say no, no, no - it'll go down to
      $3 a gallon by the end of the year. (Jay Leno)

      The Lundberg Survey said gas prices will rise with OPEC's production
      cutback announcement Friday. It's begun to affect everyday life. People
      are so stingy with their gasoline that Billy Joel had to walk home from
      his last three car wrecks. (Argus Hamilton)

      The former financial chief of Enron, Andrew Fastow has plea-bargained a
      ten-year prison sentence in exchange for spilling the beans on his
      boss. That's the difference between business and politics. Former
      Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neil got a $10 million book deal for spilling
      the beans on his boss. (Williams)

      IN THE NEWS * INTERNATIONAL

      One of the things President Bush wants the astronauts to do on the Moon
      is look for fuel. See, apparently the Marines didn't find enough in
      Iraq. (Bill Williams)

      IN THE NEWS * HEALTH

      The American Academy of Pediatrics says soft drinks should be
      eliminated from schools to help tackle the nation's obesity epidemic.
      The doctors say the drinks should be replaced in vending machines with
      items the kids really need to survive in the schools these days - guns
      and ammunition. (Jacob Novak)

      The American Lung Association said Wednesday that seven of the most
      polluted cities in America are in Southern California. It's a summer
      problem. In August the smog in Los Angeles is so thick tourists often
      mistake it for hillside property. (Argus Hamilton)

      IN THE NEWS * SPORTS

      The WNBA begins practice. The league is symbolic of our culture. A
      group of women do the same work as men and get paid a lot less. (Alan
      Ray)

      IN THE NEWS • ENTERTAINMENT

      Officials at Comcast said they dropped their bid to buy Disney because
      it waas too much of a "Mickey Mouse" operation. (Vic Harville, Stephens
      Media Group)

      IN THE NEWS * OTHER

      Because of budgetary constraints, the City of Baltimore in Maryland
      has stopped the tradition of giving people a "Key to the City." These
      days, they just send a guy over and he shows ya how to pick the lock.
      (Fred Barling)

      John Kerry addressed America's black mayors on Homeland Security
      Thursday in Philadelphia. He said the president hasn't done a good
      enough job monitoring the nation's chemical plants. At last report
      Mayor Barry was growing them on his balcony. (Argus Hamilton)
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