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Humerus News of the Day 04-01-04

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  • Stan Kegel
    HUMERUS NEWS for 04-01-04 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE Be thankful we re not getting all the government we re paying for. (Will Rogers) IN THE NEWS * TOP
    Message 1 of 1 , Apr 1, 2004
      HUMERUS NEWS for 04-01-04

      Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
      (Will Rogers)


      Thursday is known as April Fool’s. Or, as they like to call it around
      the White House press pool, President’s Day. (Alan Ray)

      This April Fools Day, Americans can expect to be subjected to
      ridiculous antics, outrageous jokes, and hopeless but elaborate
      ruses... but enough about the Kerry campaign. (Jacob Novak)

      "Dr. Rice has agreed to testify under oath … but she draws the line at
      being sworn in on Richard Clarke's book!" (Gary Brookins, The Richmond

      "The Unborn Victims of Violence Act", a bill that makes it a crime to
      harm a fetus, will be signed into law by President George W. Bush later
      today. And after straddling the next two generations of unborn American
      children with record debt, the first man convicted under the new law
      will be President George W. Bush. (Jacob Novak)


      "A dollar eighty-three a gallon? The sign said a dollar seventy-nine
      when I pulled into the station." "April Fuels" (Grand Avenue: Steve

      "I've really missed watching baseball. Do you think those guys are
      playing on natural grass?" "Nah … I think they pretty much stick to
      steroids." (The Grizzwells: Bill Schorr)


      It should be noted that Richard Clarke has served with distinction
      under Democratic and Republican presidents in a career spanning 30
      years. In fact, you might call Richard Clarke the Dick Clark of
      government service. (Jon Stewart)

      Dr. Rice being sworn in: "Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole
      …" Rice, "That's exactly the kind of politically-motivated attack I
      expect from an angry disgrunteled partison intent on discrediting this
      administration in an election year …" (Ed Stein, The Rocky Mountain

      Condoleezza Rice announced today that her 9/11 testimony would be
      scheduled to coincide with the finale of “American Idol,” the decisive
      NCAA championship game, and the reading of the verdict in the Kobe
      Bryant trial. (Andy Borowitz)

      2 Commissioners holding newspaper with headline, "Rice to Testify": "So
      why was the President so worried about the separation of powers?"
      "Maybe because you Democrats want to separate Bush from his!" (Bob
      Gorrell, AOL News)

      Bush and Chaney to testify together: Cheney holding puppet Bush (Ann
      Teinaes, Women's E-News)

      President Bush has agreed to testify before Congress on one condition
      -- if he has to make up a lie, he has a life line to Bill Clinton.
      (Craig Kilborn)


      Bush out of focus: "Al-Qaida has always been our main focus" (Walt
      Handelsman, Long Island Newsday)

      Bush as Dr. Frankenstein: "Richard Clarke has betrayed me! Get him! I
      even wrote him a personal note telling him he served our natio with
      distinction and honor! DESTROY HIM!" Karl Rove as Frankenstein's
      monster: "Yes, Master" (Steve Benson, United Media)

      Everyone is waiting to see if this left-wing radio thing will be
      successful. See, I think it's a good idea. I think we should consider
      different points of view. Like me, I like to hear both sides of an
      issue. That's why I listen to John Kerry. I know sooner or later, I'll
      get both sides of an issue. In fact, today, John Kerry finally cleared
      up his position on military action in Iraq. He said he voted yes on
      shock, no on awe. (Jay Leno)

      John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. ... He
      originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq. (Craig

      It's really getting ugly between the White House and this former
      counter-terrorism official Richard Clarke. ... Clarke accused President
      Bush of subterfuge, an accusation President Bush both denied and had to
      look up. (Jay Leno)


      Yesterday in California, John Kerry made a speech announcing a plan to
      control gas prices. After hearing this, President Bush said, "That's
      crazy, only Dick Cheney can control gas prices." (Conan O'Brien)

      Arab with saw walking away. Bush sawed in half in "box" that is an oil
      barrel labeled OPEC. "Not only are our good buddies the Sauis an
      indispensable ally in the war on terrorism, theey have a great sense of
      humor to boot. (Mike Shelton, Orange County Register)

      Senate Democrats have just defeated a Republican plan to eliminate
      overtime pay for white-collar workers, but the employees really
      affected by the vote aren't celebrating. Mostly because it'll take a
      while for the news to reach India. (Jacob Novak)

      Gas Station with sign, "Gas Price Spikes" Bush holding a sign pointing
      at Kerry, "Wants to raise gas Taxes" Kerry holding a sign pointed at
      Bush, "Soft on OPEC" (Matt Davis, The Journal News)

      Gas Station with signs, "Halliburton Profiteering" "Big Oil" and "W.
      Mart": Bush taking to auto driver: "This guy, Kerry could cost you
      money." (Jack Ohman, The Portland Oregonian)

      As part of his campaign to teach teenagers the truth about employment
      in his country, Thailand’s Prime Minister has sent his 17 year-old
      daughter to work at a McDonald’s in Bangkok. Not to be outdone,
      President Bush is teaching his daughters Jenna and Barbara about
      employment in America by sending them to work in India. (Jake Novak)

      Uncle Sam wearing a boot that has a heel made of an oil barrel. Label:
      Achilles' Heel (Jim Day, The Las Vegas Review Journal)

      John Kerry said today that he would bring down the price of gasoline if
      he is elected president. He said he would arm-twist members of OPEC to
      lower prices. Do you think this is really going to work with OPEC, arm
      twisting? Hey, Bush invaded them and they haven't lowered prices. We
      blew up the country and they haven't lowered prices. (Jay Leno)

      John Kerry raised three million dollars Tuesday in Beverly Hills. His
      donors expressed concern about the price of oil. Gasoline is so
      expensive in Beverly Hills that the drink menu at the Polo Lounge lists
      Molotov Cocktails at market price. (Argus Hamilton)


      Iraq is putting new cash into circulation. The treasury department in
      Baghdad has begun printing the bills. Up until now, the only outfit
      making money in this country has been Halliburton. (Alan Ray)

      Smoking is Outlawed in Pubs in Ireland Man on entering pub, "Begorra,
      what is that smell?" (Jeff Danzinger, Los Angeles Times)

      Irish Pub with sign "Smoking Ban now in effect." Man holding beer, "Me
      Irish eyes are smiling as are me nose, throat, heart and lungs." (Chris
      Britt, Springfield State Journal Register)

      When he was first told the Iraqi madman that the U.S. had padlocked the
      Baghdad paper, Saddam Hussan was despondent and inconsolable, shouting,
      “That should have been me, damn it!” (Andy Borowitz)


      Michael Jackson met with U.S. Congressmen in the Rayburn Office
      Building this week. His arrival inspired emergency legislation. Capitol
      police followed him everywhere he went to make sure there was No Child
      Left Behind with Michael Jackson. (Argus Hamilton)

      Southern Living alerted readers Monday to disregard their recipe for
      ice box rolls in the April issue. The ingredients when mixed as
      directed will cause the rolls to explode. It's what they get for
      stealing recipes from Yasser Arafat Living. (Argus Hamilton)

      Exercise guru Richard Simmons was arrested for slapping someone Police
      charged Simmons with assault and being a public nuisance for the past
      30 years (Jay Leno)


      The way I understand "Freedom of Speech" is that we have a
      Constitutional right to have our mouths washed out with soap if we
      repeat anything we hear on the radio or cdable TV. (Larry Wright, The
      Detroit News)

      Massachusetts Legislature: "How ironic … we passed a same-sex marriage
      ban the sme week we have to set all the clocks forward." (Bruce
      Beatlle, Daytona Beach News-Journal)

      "And this has been Al Franken on the all-new liberal talk radio
      network, 'Air America'" Wife: "What network did he say?" Husband. ""Hot
      Air America" (Wayne Stayskai, The Tampa Tribune)

      Pope John Paul II says Sunday should be reserved for church, not
      entertainment or sports. However, he did excuse Mets fans, who fail to
      experience either. (Jim Barach)

      A new survey shows too many children aren't getting enough sleep.
      Doctors say that while this a troubling problem, they are much more
      worried about the hundreds of kids who are spending too much time
      sleeping at Michael Jackson's house. (Jacob Novak)

      An Aloha Airlines pilot was arrested for trying to board his aircraft
      drunk. On his flight plan, he projected an altitude of 30,000 feet. And
      he hoped the plane would get there as well.
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