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Humerus News 03-01-04

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  • Stan Kegel
    HUMERUS NEWS for 03-01-04   It hits your Funny Bone IN THE NEWS - THE REPUBLICANS Is it me or is President Bush s life starting to sound like a country
    Message 1 of 1 , Mar 1, 2004
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      HUMERUS NEWS for 03-01-04
        It hits your Funny Bone

      IN THE NEWS - THE REPUBLICANS

      Is it me or is President Bush's life starting to sound like a country
      song. He's from Texas, his dog just died, and it looks like he might
      lose his job. Next thing, his truck is going to break down. (Jay Leno)

      There was a scare in Washington when a man climbed over the White House
      wall and arrested. This marks the first time a person has gotten into
      the White House unlawfully since…President Bush. (David Letterman)

      President Bush is on the campaign stump. He pledges to continue to
      serve the average working man. He made those remarks while speaking at
      a $5,000 a plate dinner. (Alan Ray)

      Bush speaking to the Continental Congress: While we’re at it, lets
      outlaw powdered wigs amd silk breeches. You guys are looking way too
      swishy. (Steve Sack, Minneapolis Star-Tribune)

      VOTE FOR BUSH -- You'll still be unemployed but at least you won't be
      threatened by all those married gay people! (Conrad L. Macina)

      States' rights means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states
      what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt. (Bill Brabant)

      Starter shooting gun in air Bush, Kerry & Nader ready to run. Nader
      simultaneously shooting Kerry in foot (S. Klein, Times-Picayune)

      Ventriloquist dummy Bush sitting on Cheney’s knee saying, “Of cource,
      Vice-President Cheney stays on the ticket - Why do you ask?” (Corky
      Trinidad, Honolulu Star-Bulletin)

      President Bush got his start as a Little Orphan Annie character. He
      became famous as “Daddy War Bucks” (Stan Kegel)

      Dubya’s military record, continued:August 16, 1972. Lt. Georgew W. Buh
      recieved a metal for maintaining the cleaneest aircraft in the squad.
      November 14, 1972, Lt. George W. Bush recieves a purple Hear for
      injuries sustained during a panty raid at a nearby college dorm.
      February 4, 1973, Lt Bush unanimously voted “best wingman in a bar
      and/or disco by squadmates. (Boondocks: Aaron McGruder)

      IN THE NEWS - THE DEMOCRATS & NADEr

      John Kerry is on the campaign trail. To symbolize his stance on issues,
      he likes to speak at a popular restaurant chain. The Waffle House.
      (Alan Ray)

      CNN sponsored a Democratic party presidential debate Thursday at the
      University of Southern California. John Kerry and John Edwards sat
      shoulder-to-shoulder and smiled the entire evening. It looked like they
      just fell off a gay wedding cake. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Democratic presidential debate in Los Angeles Thursday featured
      some unexpected fireworks. Recalled governor Gray Davis was an invited
      guest in the audience. After the debate they put him in a plastic box
      and blew him up to remove the curse. (Argus Hamilton)

      According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So you
      see, that's why John Kerry had all that Botox — his back was killing
      him from all that flip-flopping on issues. (Jay Leno)

      John Edwards says that he is interested in hearing problems that gays
      have. You would too if you had eight hairdressers. (Craig Kilborn)

      The Draft Hillary organization set up shop in Massachusetts Friday.
      They are asking voters to write in her name on Tuesday's primary
      ballot. They don't think Teresa Heinz Kerry is imperious enough to
      satisfy America's secret longing for a queen. (Argus Hamilton)

      Ralph Nader said that he was in favor of gay sex — as long as it
      involves a condom and an airbag. (Craig Kilborn)

      IN THE NEWS - MARRIAGE & THE CONSTITUTION

      The Pope says gay marriage 'degrades' union God clearly intended that
      sex be the prerogative of a married man and a married woman. However,
      priests and boys are exempt under a grandfather clause negotiated
      during the reign of Pius the Fornicator in 1242 AD. (Jack Paul Deuce)

      Ripsaw cutting the constitution. Bush holding a bible says, “OK, take
      out that “G” and then that “a” and don’t forget that “y” .(Brian
      Fairrington)

      7 older well-to-dos conversing: “We don’t want Fedeeral judges forcing
      gay marriages on us!” “Right! To preserve marriage we need a
      constitutional amendment!” “Of cource, to really preserve marriage, Ban
      divorce!” “Yes, And the death penalty for adultry!” “Don’t forget
      outlawing cohabitationm and pre-marital relations!” “That would make it
      a crime to have out-of-wedlock children!” “Then the federal government
      can force them to get married!” (Joe Hellopo)

      IN THE NEWS THE PASSION

      President Bush said he was anxious to see the film (The Passion of
      Christ), though he was a little upset when he heard it was in Aramaic
      and Latin. Bush said "Why make a movie only Arabs and Latinos would
      understand?" (Jay Leno)

      The Ptomaine Palace in my community is selling the same old botulism
      burgers, but they've caught on to some smart merchandising and now are
      packaging them as Last Suppers. Folks are flocking to buy them, never
      realizing just how much truth-in-advertising is inherent in the name.
      (Cynthia MacGregor)

      It was to be the end of the Roman way of life. They should never have
      crossed Jesus. (Jason Dias)

      Mary to Jesus on the cross: "You coulda been somebody!" (Virginia
      Handley)

      IN THE NEWS - SPORTS

      Another weekend of NASCAR. What’s it called when a man proposes to a
      woman up on the race track video screen? A family reunion. (Alan Ray)

      The University of Colorado football program is under investigation.
      Admission to college is not that simple for CU recruits. To get their
      scholarships, they often have to pull some G-strings. (Alan Ray)

      Michael Jackson was stopped by police in Colorado Friday after he
      shopped at a Wal-Mart while wearing a ski mask and a worker called the
      cops. Coloradans were not happy he was there. Football coach Gary
      Barnett said not only is he a girl, he's terrible. (Argus Hamilton)

      IN THE NEWS - INTERNATIONAL

      On Fox News today they said catching Osama bin Laden is just a matter
      of time. Yeah, election time! (Jay Leno)

      The International Olympic Committee readmitted Iraq as a member in good
      standing, insuring that Iraqi athletes will compete in the 2004 Summer
      Games." Among the events in which they are expected to excel are the
      200 Meter Improvised Explosive Device Relay, the Rocket-Propelled
      Grenade Launch and the Hop, Skip and Duck Into a Doorway. (The Wit
      Wizard)

      Pakistan stepped up military operations at the border Friday to try to
      track down Osama bin Laden. According to intelligence reports, he is
      hiding in some place where no U.S. soldier will ever find him. Osama
      bin Laden is in Haiti. (Argus Hamilton)

      IN THE NEWS - OTHER

      Rep. Billy Tausin (R-La) cut off negotiations toward becoming the top
      lobbiest for the drug industry after "Viagra Bob" Dole expressed an
      interest in the position. (The Wit Wizard)

      The National Transportation Safety Board wants airlines to weigh
      passengers. You can tell when a flight attendant thinks you’re too
      heavy. She asks you to please place your rear end in the overhead bin.
      (Alan Ray)

      A California inventor has created a method that helps a woman pinpoint
      the moment in her cycle when PMS is the worst. It's called "ask her
      husband." (Jacob Novak)

      Pfizer has given up on testing a Viagra tablet for women. The
      experiments were becoming too costly. To get female subjects to try the
      drug, male scientists kept having to buy them drinks. (Alan Ray)

      Up in San Francisco a 30 year female San Francisco middle school
      teacher was caught naked in a car with a 14 year old boy. Did you hear
      her excuse? She said due to all the budget cutbacks they had to combine
      Sex Education with Driver's Ed. (Jay Leno)

      Amtrak officials are facing a strike by several of its unions. They've
      already had to face minor job actions in recent weeks. Several of the
      engineers called in sober. (Alan Ray)

      The Georgia Department of Education has proposed to eliminate the word
      "evolution" from the state's textbooks. Instead, they want to use the
      term, "biological changes over time," says the Georgia Cochran Journal.
      The cost to reprint the books has not been established. (Gard Webster)

      Forty-three out of 60 chain stores are given poor service ratings.
      Customers were asked to rank outlets on a scale ranging from very good,
      good, average, poor, and Sears. (Alan Ray)

      A Dell employee got busted for pot in Manhattan recently. President
      Bush and many conservative lawmakers are surprisingly upset, as they
      have always pushed the view that marijuana is a Gateway drug. (Bob
      Welk)
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