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2003 Puns of the Year

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  • Stan Kegel
    2003 PUNS OF THE YEAR 1. IN THE NEWS A teacher has been arrested at Dulles International Airport in possession of slide rules, protractors, and calculators. It
    Message 1 of 1 , Jan 1, 2004
      2003 PUNS OF THE YEAR

      1. IN THE NEWS

      A teacher has been arrested at Dulles International Airport in
      possession of slide rules, protractors, and calculators. It is claimed
      he is a member of the Al Gebra network. He was charged with carrying
      weapons of math instruction.

      Saddam Hussein's son comes home from shopping with everything in a
      cardboard box. His dad says, "Why have you brought the shopping home in
      a cardboard box, son?" To which his son replies, "Because there was no
      Baghdad!"

      With W's surprise Thanksgiving visit to the troops in Iraq and his
      dishing out of dinner, his criticizers can no longer say that he never
      served our country during war.

      Arnold Schwarzenegger was once signed to play for a major league
      baseball team, and often speaks at high school and college sports
      banquets. He is frequently introduced as an athletic supporter.

      In Orange County, California, ocean pollution from sewerage has become
      a major health problem. When the pollution reaches dangerous levels,
      the Health Department posts notices at contaminated beaches prohibiting
      swimming or surfing. However, the notices are frequently ignored by
      surfers. When asked why the warnings were being ignored, the surfers
      claimed they were not really surfing. They were just going through the
      movements.

      Martha Stewart just can't seem to stay out of trouble. Federal
      investigators looking through her kitchen came across an entire
      storeroom full of MacIntosh Apples. When questioned about this cache
      she'd stashed, she was hard pressed to give a logical answer. Now she's
      being charged with "In-cider" trading

      In Davis, CA, a man who used to perform autopsies has been arrested for
      taking home 157 pounds of human body parts. Do you know what his bail
      cost him? An arm and a leg.

      The state's voters will decide in October whether to "recall" the
      governor. This is ironic, because if you had asked people on the
      streets of California to name the governor, most of them would have
      said: "I don't recall."

      Some feminists are demanding that housewives be paid a weekly salary
      for all the work they do. Eventually, we’ll have a housewife’s union. I
      can’t wait to see what happens when the housewives go on strike and
      strike breakers are brought in to take their places.

      A report says high school students aren’t very good with American
      History. It’s pretty shameful. On a recent test, a majority of seniors
      thought Lincoln’s Gettysburg address ended with “@...”.

      2. THE PUNS

      A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic. He
      walks up to the driver's window and asks, "You drinkin'?" The driver
      said, "Well that depends. - You buyin'?"

      A Native American walks into a posh restaurant. The maitre'd greets him
      at the counter and says, "I'm terribly sorry sir, but we have no
      tables available at this time." "That's okay", replies the Indian, "I
      have a reservation."

      "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. I was
      left this little note on my windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' Now
      wasn't that nice."

      A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed
      them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
      One replied, "Because people are sleeping." The teacher thought, "They
      must be bored again Christians."

      They have found a lost scroll that says that there is a food than can
      be eaten on Yom Kippur. "McDonalds" because it is a fast food.

      Two robbers broke out in the bank, one of them pointing the gun to the
      cashier said, "Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!" The
      cashier laughed and said, "You mean to say 'HISTORY.'" The robber
      answered, "Don't change the subject."

      Husband arriving home with an enormous dog to indignant wife who is
      surrounded by 3 small children: "But I did consult you -- you said a
      Great Dane was the last thing we needed around here." (LOL Lewd Lines)

      On the third day, Jesus rose, shoved open the door of his tomb, and
      walked again on earth. As he was leaving, a passer-by pointed at the
      door Jesus had left open and said, "Jesus Christ! Were you born in a
      barn?"

      While marking her pupils' social studies test papers, the teacher was
      in a quandary about the answer given by one of the third-graders. Asked
      to name the four major directions, she wrote: "Listen carefully. Write
      neatly. Sit up straight. Raise your hand."

      "What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the
      first day of registration. "He's a magician," said the new boy. "How
      exciting. What's his best trick?" "He saws people in half." "How
      impressive! Now, do you have any brothers or sisters?" "Yep...one half
      brother and two half sisters."

      3. THE GROANERS:

      When my husband and I showed up at a very popular restaurant, it was
      crowded. I went up to the hostess and asked, "Will it be long?" The
      hostess, ignoring me, kept writing in her book. I asked again, "How
      much of a wait?" The woman looked up and said, "About ten minutes." A
      short time later, we heard an announcement over the loudspeaker:
      "Willette B. Long, your table is ready."

      The medical student was shocked when he received a failing grade in
      radiology. Approaching the professor, he demanded to know the reason
      for the grade. "You know the self X-ray you took?" asked the professor.
      "I do." said the student. "A fine picture," the professor said, "of
      your lungs, stomach, and liver." "If it's a fine picture, then why did
      you give me an F?" asked the student "I had no choice," said the
      professor. "You didn't put your heart in it."

      King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war
      with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the
      Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate,
      he went to Crosus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Crosus said,
      "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for
      it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the King!"
      Crosus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star ... makes no difference
      who you are!"

      A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of beer."
      The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars." The
      customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the
      bartender."Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."
      The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money
      again. "What's going on here?" the man asks. Pointing to a neon sign,
      the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."

      Jennifer had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother
      asked how the interview went. "Pretty good, I think," replied Jennifer,
      "but if I go to work there I won't get a vacation until I'm married."
      Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing. "Is that what
      they told you?" "No", replied Jennifer, "but right on the application
      it said 'vacation time may not be taken until you've had your First
      Anniversary.'"

      This guy that continually gains weight and is very sick and very fat.
      He is always eating turkey right from the refriger-ator. It keeps
      making him sick and fatter but he can't stop. His friends and family
      worry about him but he keeps on with his additition. Finally, after
      years of sickness, he stops and loses a lot of weight and looks great.
      His friends ask him how he did it. He says, "I quit cold turkey."

      My boyfriend and I were lunching at a sidewalk cafe in Huntington
      Beach, California. Our waitress looked like a real surfer girl:
      athletic with a great tan and blonde hair. Mulling over the menu, my
      guy asked her if the roast beef was rare. The waitress gave us a stare
      and replied, "Well, no. We have it, like, just about every day."

      A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license.
      After looking it over, he said to her, "Lady, it stipulates here on
      your license that you should be wearing glasses." "Well, I have
      contacts," the woman replied. "Look lady, I don't care who you know,"
      snapped the officer. "You're getting a ticket."

      There once was a church meeting where the topic was "Burial or
      Cremation?" Two of the people got rather worked up. One said to the
      other, "If you have yourself cremated, all you will be doing is making
      an ash of yourself!" The other replied, "Well, I'm told that petroleum
      comes from fossilized old bones, so if you have yourself buried, all
      you will be doing is making a fuel of yourself!"

      Once upon a time an evil king captured a virgin princess and held her
      captive in his high tower. Though she was very beautiful he forced her
      to wear a disgusting and smelly burlap dress. "You'll never get away
      with this," she cried. "Some brave knight will rescue me!" "Not in that
      thing," the evil king replied. She waited day and night, but it was
      just as the evil king predicted. Every knight that saw her in the
      window of the high tower was scared away by her dress, which, as I've
      mentioned, was disgusting. After many months the princess broke down
      crying and the evil king taunted her, "You see? I told you no knight
      would rescue a damsel in this dress!"

      4. FOR ADULTS ONLY:

      A couple met with the minister of the church to discuss their marriage
      vows. The woman asked if he could make a change in the wording of the
      ceremony. He replied that tt is sometimes done and asked what she hadin
      mind. She answered, "We'd like to alter the 'until death do us part'
      section to read, 'Substantial penalty for early withdrawal.' "

      Do you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said,
      “If you build it, they will come.”

      It has come to the attention of researchers that a previously
      unanticipated reaction results when Viagara is taken along with Ex-Lax.
      Both products tend to act together and magnify the effects of the
      other. The end result is that you end up both coming and going at the
      same time.

      There was a man staying the night in a hotel. He called the front desk
      and said, "Excuse me, sir, I've got a leak in my sink." The man at the
      front desk replied, "Oh, okay, go ahead, but most guests just use the
      toilet."

      The sculptor and one of his students went out for coffee after class.
      "You have the most delicate, slender hands," said the student, a rather
      gorgeous young thing. "Forgive me for saying it, but they belong on a
      woman." Not only did he forgive her, he obliged.

      The sweet young thing decided she'd rather be a young man's slave than
      an old man's darling, explaining that she hated the thought of feeling
      old age creeping up on her.

      The model's fine figure had been poured into a beautiful form-fitting
      gown and she made a point of calling her date's attention to it over
      and over again throughout the evening. Finally, over a nightcap in his
      apartment he said, "You've been talking about that dress all evening
      long. You called my attention to it first when we met for cocktails,
      mentioned it again at dinner, and still again at the theatre. Now that
      we're here alone in my penthouse, what do you say we drop the subject?"

      My grandmother went to her doctor to see what could be done about her
      constipation. "It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in
      a week." "I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
      "Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the
      morning and again at night." "No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take
      anything?" "Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

      When we found out our wives were attending a sex-toy party, we refused
      to go and pick them up. Instead we decided to leave them to their own
      devices.

      When the well-molded secretary entered her boss' office one morning, he
      looked out the window and announced idly, "It's certainly going to be a
      beautiful day." "I don't think so," replied the secretary. "The weather
      forecast is for snow." "It's not going to snow," contradicted the exec.
      "I'll lay you twelve to one." I'd rather not," she remarked. "That's my
      lunch hour."
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