Puns of the Day: 12-01-03
- PUNS OF THE DAY: 12-01-03
IN THE NEWS
With W's surprise Thanksgiving visit to the troops in Iraq and his dishing
out of dinner, his criticizers can no longer say that he never served our
country during war. (Tiff Wimberly)
President Bush is being lauded for his surprise visit to Iraq on
Thanksgiving. His appearance among the troops was highly symbolic of his
postwar policy. He served them mess. (Alan Ray)
The U.S. Senate passed Medicare prescription medicine coverage last week.
It's really no surprise. Somehow you knew that once baby boomers took over
the U.S. government it was just a matter of time before free drugs were the
law of the land. (Argus Hamilton)
"The big story continues to l the Michael Jackson scandal. Michael Jackson
met with his priest today. Not for spiritual advice. They went on a double
date." (Jay Leno)
Bad Santa is a hit comedy starring Billy Bob Thornton as someone who
becomes a shopping mall Santa Claus so he can rob the department stores
that hire him. A lot of people are very upset. Winona Ryder auditioned for
the role and didn't get it. (Argus Hamilton)
Actor Johnny Depp was named 'Sexiest Man Alive' by 'People' magazine. In a
related story Michael Jackson was named 'Sexiest Man Alive' by 'Creepy'
magazine. (David Letterman)
In a recent interview, Britney Spears said that one of the songs on her new
album is about masturbation because she thinks it's something that should
be encouraged. Then the reporter told Britney not to worry because nobody
has encouraged masturbation more than Britney. (Conan O'Brien)
The Los Angeles Times says British billionaire Richard Branson may
establish Virgin USA as a low-cost airline with Los Angeles as its
headquarters. It won't last. One weekend in Los Angeles and they would have
to rename it Paris Hilton USA. (Argus Hamilton)
A new study shows that TV viewers remember commercials on programs with no
sex appeal a lot better than they do when watching shows with
sexually-attractive themes. The networks are responding to the data by
begging Roseanne to come back on the air. (Jason Novak)
Glen Campbell apologized Wednesday for driving drunk and leaving the scene
of an accident and kneeing a cop in the groin. He's at a personal
crossroads now. An alcoholic would give up drinking but a country music
singer would give up driving. (Argus Hamilton)
I was watching the Discovery Channel and turkeys are amazing creatures.
They have been bred over hundreds of years to have small brains, big
breasts, and peck at food. So they're like the supermodels of the animal
kingdom. (Jay Leno)
A radio interview I heard a year or two ago. An American and a UK
journalist were discussing Thanksgiving. The American asked if they
celebrated Thanksgiving in the UK. "Yes," the UK guy replied, "but we
celebrate it on the 15th of September." "Why then?" "That's when the
Pilgrims left." (Sandy Sibert)
JEST FOR KIDS
What kind of music do most mountains like best?
Rock music. (Mike Artell)
What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit?
Bugs Bunny. (Carol Silver)
What did the skeleton buy at the market?
Spare ribs! (Yijia, 12)
'Where do jellyfish get their jelly?
From ocean currants. / (Lederer & Ertner)
When is a man like a dog?
When he is a boxer. (Kids Jokes)
Which triangles are coldest?
ICE-soceles triangles! (Brooke, 12)
Why do elephants have short tails?
Because they haven't got long memories. ( Ameena, 12)
A shepherd drove his flock through town, and got a traffic ticket for
making a ewe turn. (Simon Champion)
When Napoleon woke up from a long nap, he found that the rest was history
Any family tree produces some lemons, some nuts, and a few bad apples.
On some diets, you can get a little behind. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
Thanksgiving: The Aftermath: Owmigosh! You mustve gained 20 pounds! I
tried to tell you its impossible to quit cold turkey! (Pardon My Planet:
You need acupuncture for a headache like a hole in the head (Graffiti: Gene
I called the plumber on the phone, "Can you come over and fix my kitchen
sink again?" His encouraging reply, "You know I'm always at your disposal."
Terri Garr made some unusually flavored lollipops. She called them
Garlics. (Ken Pinkham)
I looked up synonyms for "diet" in my thesaurus, and found myself at words
for a loss. (Marsha Coleman)
"When he accidentally killed his neighbor's sheep, he had to spin a yarn.
(Pun of the Day)
A father was helping his son with his homework. The father asked "What is
the Gross National Product?". The little boy replied "Spinach?" (Gail S. Angel)
They have just developed a new golf club designed to be used when you are
not sure which club is best. This new club is called the waffle iron.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked. (Miz Carol Lou)
In 1958 A large showing of men's jewelry was held. To get in, you pay a
cuffer charge, and a tie tax. (Daryl Stout)
When the vegetarian yelled at the server, he had a real beef. (Jumble:
Arnold & Argirlon)
My wife and I have been happily married for 10 years -- 10 out of 36 ain't
bad at all. (Gag-O-Matic)
A man goes to the Doctor with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ear.
"That looks nasty," says the doctor. "Nasty?!?" replies the man, "this is
just the tip of the iceberg." (Simon Champion)
A Christian man had just died and was on his way to heaven. When he got to
the gates of heaven he met an angel. The angel asked him what God's name
was."Oh that's easy," the man replied, "His name is Andy." "What make you
think his name is Andy?" the angel asked incredulously. "Well, you see at
Church we used to sing this song 'Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me."
He was digging holes along the fenceline prior to setting up the fence when
the pig broke loose from the sty and knocked him down. The pig snorted and
snuffled around the man for a few seconds, then ran off into the
countryside. Well, he wasn't very happy with this state of affairs. He went
into the farmhouse, picked up the farmer's rifle, and shot the farmer dead.
Hours later, after a long and drawn-out police standoff, the local TV
station interviewed a witness on camera. The witness said, "The police are
here for this grunted post-hole worker." (Jason Dias)
After an itinerant backwoods preacher had delivered a hell-and-brimstone
sermon, he demanded of Deacon Swartbill, "Do you love your neighbor?" "I
try to," replied the deacon earnestly, "but she won't let me." (Bennett Cerf)
SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES:
Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead, when in reality he
was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family
finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist spent many
laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive. Nothing
seemed to work. Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his
medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed.
After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men
don't bleed. "Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor
asked. "Yes, I do." The patient replied. "Very well, then," the doctor
said. He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a
trickle of blood. The doctor asked, "What does 'that' tell you?" "Oh wow!"
the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger. "Dead men
"do" bleed!!" (Tim Davis)
A plumber was taking "capsules" to aid his digestion -- the kind of capsule
whereby if you pop the ends apart all the little tiny granules inside
scatter all over. Well, one opened on the table and he began to study the
granules... one might say he had developed an interest in what branch of
"Particle Physics" (Bob Dvorak)
Classic: When all your students are ill. (Rosalie Moscovitch)
Pathological: Being able to figure out how to get out of a maze. (Simon
Rodeo: Where cowboys will do most anything for a buck. (Gary Hallock)
Regiment: Explaining a statement by Mr. Jackson, White or Saunders. (Stan Kegel)
THE POKER GAME
The poker game had started late and went
to the wee hours, and it is not so hard
to learn the players. There was Stuart Dent,
myself, Bill Brown, Ace Nobbins and the guard
who would nforce our closing up the place
when we were finished. That evening Bill Brown
had all the luck, and it appeared that Ace
was the unluckiest poker player in town.
The guard had bad luck also, pretty soon
he had no money. Stuart Dent agreed
to lend him some, and found it opportune
to offer him some more if there be need.
'Twas time to feed the kitty, and I will own
to seeing a guard anteed Stu Dent loan.
(Pedro J. Saavedra)
OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS
Eureka: EUREKA that cheap cologne (Stan Kegel)
Exclaim: Watch my EXCLAIM more than he's entitled to in the divorce!
Flatulent: "Do you still own the FLATULENT me when I was in London?" (Ken Pinkham)
"The executioner has received the tool he needs," said Tom with a heavy
accent. (Simon Champion)
"My stereo's not working" Tom said monotonously. (Archives)
Dermatologist: Lance Boyles (Cybyl)
Chevy Chase: A cross-country rally of Chevolets (Stan Kegel)
JIM'S RADIATOR REPAIR A GREAT PLACE TO TAKE A LEAK (Tony Thoennes)
Confucius says, "man who throw away watch, wasting time." (Curly David)
She was only a Artists daughter, but she knew where to draw the line.*
"Doctor, Doctor, what should I take when I get run down?"
"The license number. Next." (Archives)
FOR ADULTS ONLY:
Confucius says, "man who sleep with old hen, find it better than pullet."
"Well, my girlfriend and I went to the Caribbean, and we made love three
times a day." "Jamaica?" "No, she did it quite voluntarily" "Then we
traveled to the Pacific." "Samoa?" "Yep, she gave me samoa." (Richard
If you have a faculty for making love, you'll find a student body. (Still
More Over Sexteen)
A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar. "I had sex with another woman
last night," he tells her. "But I was thinking of you the whole time." "You
miss me that much?" she asks. "No," he says, "But it kept me from finishing
too fast." (Judy K.)
Did you hear about the gay truckers?
They exchanged loads. (Paul Cooper)
Bill went to a bar and ordered a drink. A few minutes, a beautiful blonde
sat down next to him and started coming on to him. Soon she invited him
back to her place. Overcome with excitement, Bill agreed. When they got to
the bedroom, Bill exclaimed "Wow! A waterbed. I've never had sex on a
waterbed before." Soon they were both naked and going at it. The blonde
stopped him and said, "Before we go any further, don't you think you should
put on some protection?" "Good idea," he responded and got up. Bill walked
out of the room, and when he came back, he was wearing a life preserver.
Some one had written on the bathroom wall: "My mother made me a
homosexual." Underneath it somebody else had written: "If I send her the
wool, will she make me one too?" (Stoney)