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Puns of the Day: 12-01-03

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  • Stan Kegel
    PUNS OF THE DAY: 12-01-03 IN THE NEWS With W s surprise Thanksgiving visit to the troops in Iraq and his dishing out of dinner, his criticizers can no longer
    Message 1 of 1 , Dec 1, 2003
      PUNS OF THE DAY: 12-01-03

      IN THE NEWS

      With W's surprise Thanksgiving visit to the troops in Iraq and his dishing
      out of dinner, his criticizers can no longer say that he never served our
      country during war. (Tiff Wimberly)

      President Bush is being lauded for his surprise visit to Iraq on
      Thanksgiving. His appearance among the troops was highly symbolic of his
      postwar policy. He served them mess. (Alan Ray)

      The U.S. Senate passed Medicare prescription medicine coverage last week.
      It's really no surprise. Somehow you knew that once baby boomers took over
      the U.S. government it was just a matter of time before free drugs were the
      law of the land. (Argus Hamilton)

      "The big story continues to l the Michael Jackson scandal. Michael Jackson
      met with his priest today. Not for spiritual advice. They went on a double
      date." (Jay Leno)

      Bad Santa is a hit comedy starring Billy Bob Thornton as someone who
      becomes a shopping mall Santa Claus so he can rob the department stores
      that hire him. A lot of people are very upset. Winona Ryder auditioned for
      the role and didn't get it. (Argus Hamilton)

      Actor Johnny Depp was named 'Sexiest Man Alive' by 'People' magazine. In a
      related story Michael Jackson was named 'Sexiest Man Alive' by 'Creepy'
      magazine. (David Letterman)

      In a recent interview, Britney Spears said that one of the songs on her new
      album is about masturbation because she thinks it's something that should
      be encouraged. Then the reporter told Britney not to worry because nobody
      has encouraged masturbation more than Britney. (Conan O'Brien)

      The Los Angeles Times says British billionaire Richard Branson may
      establish Virgin USA as a low-cost airline with Los Angeles as its
      headquarters. It won't last. One weekend in Los Angeles and they would have
      to rename it Paris Hilton USA. (Argus Hamilton)

      A new study shows that TV viewers remember commercials on programs with no
      sex appeal a lot better than they do when watching shows with
      sexually-attractive themes. The networks are responding to the data by
      begging Roseanne to come back on the air. (Jason Novak)

      Glen Campbell apologized Wednesday for driving drunk and leaving the scene
      of an accident and kneeing a cop in the groin. He's at a personal
      crossroads now. An alcoholic would give up drinking but a country music
      singer would give up driving. (Argus Hamilton)

      I was watching the Discovery Channel and turkeys are amazing creatures.
      They have been bred over hundreds of years to have small brains, big
      breasts, and peck at food. So they're like the supermodels of the animal
      kingdom. (Jay Leno)

      HOLIDAY PUNS

      A radio interview I heard a year or two ago. An American and a UK
      journalist were discussing Thanksgiving. The American asked if they
      celebrated Thanksgiving in the UK. "Yes," the UK guy replied, "but we
      celebrate it on the 15th of September." "Why then?" "That's when the
      Pilgrims left." (Sandy Sibert)

      JEST FOR KIDS

      What kind of music do most mountains like best?
      Rock music. (Mike Artell)

      What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit?
      Bugs Bunny. (Carol Silver)

      What did the skeleton buy at the market?
      Spare ribs! (Yijia, 12)

      'Where do jellyfish get their jelly?
      From ocean currants. / (Lederer & Ertner)

      When is a man like a dog?
      When he is a boxer. (Kids Jokes)

      Which triangles are coldest?
      ICE-soceles triangles! (Brooke, 12)

      Why do elephants have short tails?
      Because they haven't got long memories. ( Ameena, 12)

      A shepherd drove his flock through town, and got a traffic ticket for
      making a ewe turn. (Simon Champion)

      When Napoleon woke up from a long nap, he found that the rest was history
      (Rephah Berg)

      Any family tree produces some lemons, some nuts, and a few bad apples.
      (Douglas Helsel)

      COMICS

      On some diets, you can get a little behind. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

      Thanksgiving: The Aftermath: “Owmigosh! You must’ve gained 20 pounds!” “I
      tried to tell you its impossible to quit cold turkey!” (Pardon My Planet:
      Vic Lee)

      You need acupuncture for a headache like a hole in the head (Graffiti: Gene
      Mora)

      ONE-LINERS:

      I called the plumber on the phone, "Can you come over and fix my kitchen
      sink again?" His encouraging reply, "You know I'm always at your disposal."
      (Gary Hallock)

      Terri Garr made some unusually flavored lollipops. She called them
      Garlics. (Ken Pinkham)

      I looked up synonyms for "diet" in my thesaurus, and found myself at words
      for a loss. (Marsha Coleman)

      "When he accidentally killed his neighbor's sheep, he had to spin a yarn.
      (Pun of the Day)

      A father was helping his son with his homework. The father asked "What is
      the Gross National Product?". The little boy replied "Spinach?" (Gail S. Angel)

      They have just developed a new golf club designed to be used when you are
      not sure which club is best. This new club is called the waffle iron.
      (Norm Stevenson)

      It is better to be looked over than overlooked. (Miz Carol Lou)

      In 1958 A large showing of men's jewelry was held. To get in, you pay a
      cuffer charge, and a tie tax. (Daryl Stout)

      When the vegetarian yelled at the server, he had a real beef. (Jumble:
      Arnold & Argirlon)

      My wife and I have been happily married for 10 years -- 10 out of 36 ain't
      bad at all. (Gag-O-Matic)

      GROANERS:

      A man goes to the Doctor with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ear.
      "That looks nasty," says the doctor. "Nasty?!?" replies the man, "this is
      just the tip of the iceberg." (Simon Champion)

      A Christian man had just died and was on his way to heaven. When he got to
      the gates of heaven he met an angel. The angel asked him what God's name
      was."Oh that's easy," the man replied, "His name is Andy." "What make you
      think his name is Andy?" the angel asked incredulously. "Well, you see at
      Church we used to sing this song 'Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me."
      (Marsha Coleman)

      He was digging holes along the fenceline prior to setting up the fence when
      the pig broke loose from the sty and knocked him down. The pig snorted and
      snuffled around the man for a few seconds, then ran off into the
      countryside. Well, he wasn't very happy with this state of affairs. He went
      into the farmhouse, picked up the farmer's rifle, and shot the farmer dead.
      Hours later, after a long and drawn-out police standoff, the local TV
      station interviewed a witness on camera. The witness said, "The police are
      here for this grunted post-hole worker." (Jason Dias)

      After an itinerant backwoods preacher had delivered a hell-and-brimstone
      sermon, he demanded of Deacon Swartbill, "Do you love your neighbor?" "I
      try to," replied the deacon earnestly, "but she won't let me." (Bennett Cerf)

      SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES:

      Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead, when in reality he
      was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family
      finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist spent many
      laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive. Nothing
      seemed to work. Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his
      medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed.
      After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men
      don't bleed. "Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor
      asked. "Yes, I do." The patient replied. "Very well, then," the doctor
      said. He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a
      trickle of blood. The doctor asked, "What does 'that' tell you?" "Oh wow!"
      the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger. "Dead men
      "do" bleed!!" (Tim Davis)

      PUNY RIDDLES:

      A plumber was taking "capsules" to aid his digestion -- the kind of capsule
      whereby if you pop the ends apart all the little tiny granules inside
      scatter all over. Well, one opened on the table and he began to study the
      granules... one might say he had developed an interest in what branch of
      science?
      "Particle Physics" (Bob Dvorak)

      DEFINITIONS:

      Classic: When all your students are ill. (Rosalie Moscovitch)

      Pathological: Being able to figure out how to get out of a maze. (Simon
      Champion)

      Rodeo: Where cowboys will do most anything for a buck. (Gary Hallock)

      Regiment: Explaining a statement by Mr. Jackson, White or Saunders. (Stan Kegel)

      POETRY

      THE POKER GAME
      The poker game had started late and went
      to the wee hours, and it is not so hard
      to learn the players. There was Stuart Dent,
      myself, Bill Brown, Ace Nobbins and the guard
      who would nforce our closing up the place
      when we were finished. That evening Bill Brown
      had all the luck, and it appeared that Ace
      was the unluckiest poker player in town.
      The guard had bad luck also, pretty soon
      he had no money. Stuart Dent agreed
      to lend him some, and found it opportune
      to offer him some more if there be need.
      'Twas time to feed the kitty, and I will own
      to seeing a guard anteed Stu Dent loan.
      (Pedro J. Saavedra)

      OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS

      Eureka: EUREKA that cheap cologne (Stan Kegel)

      Exclaim: Watch my EXCLAIM more than he's entitled to in the divorce!
      (Cynthia MacGregor)

      Flatulent: "Do you still own the FLATULENT me when I was in London?" (Ken Pinkham)

      "The executioner has received the tool he needs," said Tom with a heavy
      accent. (Simon Champion)

      "My stereo's not working" Tom said monotonously. (Archives)

      Dermatologist: Lance Boyles (Cybyl)

      Chevy Chase: A cross-country rally of Chevolets (Stan Kegel)

      JIM'S RADIATOR REPAIR A GREAT PLACE TO TAKE A LEAK (Tony Thoennes)

      Confucius says, "man who throw away watch, wasting time." (Curly David)

      She was only a Artist’s daughter, but she knew where to draw the line.*
      (Richard Lederer)

      "Doctor, Doctor, what should I take when I get run down?"
      "The license number. Next." (Archives)

      FOR ADULTS ONLY:

      Confucius says, "man who sleep with old hen, find it better than pullet."
      (Curly David)

      "Well, my girlfriend and I went to the Caribbean, and we made love three
      times a day." "Jamaica?" "No, she did it quite voluntarily" "Then we
      traveled to the Pacific." "Samoa?" "Yep, she gave me samoa." (Richard
      Lederer)

      If you have a faculty for making love, you'll find a student body. (Still
      More Over Sexteen)

      A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar. "I had sex with another woman
      last night," he tells her. "But I was thinking of you the whole time." "You
      miss me that much?" she asks. "No," he says, "But it kept me from finishing
      too fast." (Judy K.)

      Did you hear about the gay truckers?
      They exchanged loads. (Paul Cooper)

      Bill went to a bar and ordered a drink. A few minutes, a beautiful blonde
      sat down next to him and started coming on to him. Soon she invited him
      back to her place. Overcome with excitement, Bill agreed. When they got to
      the bedroom, Bill exclaimed "Wow! A waterbed. I've never had sex on a
      waterbed before." Soon they were both naked and going at it. The blonde
      stopped him and said, "Before we go any further, don't you think you should
      put on some protection?" "Good idea," he responded and got up. Bill walked
      out of the room, and when he came back, he was wearing a life preserver.
      (Jill K.)

      Some one had written on the bathroom wall: "My mother made me a
      homosexual." Underneath it somebody else had written: "If I send her the
      wool, will she make me one too?" (Stoney)
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