Puns of the Day: 11-03-03
- PUNS OF THE DAY: 11-03-03
IN THE NEWS
Arnold Schwarzenegger held a joint press conference with Gray Davis Friday.
What a missed opportunity. If voters had known that two weeks after the
recall the state would look like a landscape of the moon we could have
elected Jerry Brown. (Argus Hamilton)
The governor-elect told me that because he was once signed to play for a
major league baseball team, and often speaks at high school and college
sports banquets. He is frequently introduced as an athletic supporter.
The Joint Chiefs of Staff met with the president and vice-president today.
Bush was briefed. Cheney was boxered. (Cynthia MacGregor)
In Washington, Arnold Schwarzenegger met with Vice President Dick Cheney.
So, the Terminator met the Defibrillator. The difference between
Schwarzenegger and Cheney is that when Cheney grabs a chest, it's his own.
It's been reported that public schools in California are so strapped for
money, they are dropping foreign language classes. People in California
complain that unless the students study a foreign language, they won't be
able to understand their governor (Conan O'Brien)
President Bush said that the increase of attacks on our forces in Iraq is
proof that we're making progress. He also said the increase in global
warming shows we are doing a better job cleaning up the environment, and
the fact we are paying more and more for prescription drugs just proves our
healthcare system is in great shape. So it's nice to see everything is
looking good. (Jay Leno)
California fires were doused by the arrival of winter rains Friday. Now
it's time for the mudslides. Forget Congressional elections, the most
exciting house races in America start at the top of Malibu Canyon and end
on Pacific Coast Highway. (Argus Hamilton)
Most major airlines are in big financial trouble. Some of the austerity
measures are a bit alarming. Instead of lavatory paper, theyve found a new
use for the magazines. (Alan Ray)
We have seen the new 25 cent pieces representing the states. New Jersey has
Washington crossing the Delaware, Connecticut is represented by a tree, and
Georgia by a peach, and Alabama by Helen Keller but does anyone know if the
horse on the Delaware coin is a quarter horse? (Asa Sparks)
JEST FOR KIDS
What do you call a scraggly leafless tree decorated with a shotgun shell?
A cartridge in a bare tree. (Frank Stewert)
What did the fly say after being swatted when he landed on
' "I guess my number was up." (Lederer & Ertner)
What would you get if you crossed a basketball with a newborn snake?
A bouncing baby boa. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
Why was the boy afraid of the baseball game?
He heard it was a double header. (Mike Benny)
What kind of tooth is worth a dollar?
A buck tooth! (George, 7)
Why do you say that whales talk a lot?
Because they are always spouting off` (Kids Jokes)
What country makes you shiver?
Chile. (Carol Silver)
What's the largest ant in the world?
Antarctica! (T.J., 12)
Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze! (Chaz, 10)
Why did Dracula flunk art class?
Because he could only draw blood! (Daily Groaner)
Why did the orange go to the doctor?
Because it wasnt pealing good. (Amy, 7)
What do moths study in school?
Mothematics! (Patrick, 7)
What dinosaur slept 20 hours a day?
A dinosnore (Mighty Funnies: Betty Debnam)
What weighs 5000 pounds, eats peanuts and lives in Los Angeles?
An LA phant (Jose, 8)
Why was the king of the beasts worried about the weather?
Because there was only a 10% chance of its reigning. (Mike Artell)
At the Art Museum: This place just reeks of art history. Like this its
Eve in the Garden of Eden, Hmmm, I see she wore the plants in the
family. (Shoe: Cassett & Brookins)
Nothing comes unfastened quicker than a snap judgment. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
Ghengis had a tough time with malingerers who did not want to fight for him
because of their anti-war beliefs. They became known as Khanscientious
Objectors. (Tiff Wimberly)
The teacher didnt mind when the test answers were shouted out because
aloud was allowed. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. (Mike Bull)
Did I tell you that the drunk went to China to Taiwan on? (Joey Adams)
A harp is a nude piano. (Richard Lederer)
She swallowed a peach seed and could feel it in the pit of her stomach.
(Pun of the Day)
A fellow whose selective service number came up insisted he should be
exempted from the army because he was employed as a designer for Chrysler
Motors. He was a Dodge drafter. (Gary Hallock)
What're the good things about having Alzheimer's?
You're always meeting new people, and you can hide your own Easter eggs.
He's a born-again Christian. The trouble is, he suffered brain damage
during rebirth. (Heidi)
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.
However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire.
Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled (Bob Welk)
A doctor performing bariatric surgery decided to advertise his procedure in
the local paper in order to get more new patients, and to hire a local
advertising agency to write a spiffy ad for him that would stand out from
the other ads from such doctors. This was in the late summer, and the ad
exec decided that the theme of the ad should be that if you underwent the
surgery now, you could be svelte in time for the holidays and really enjoy
the festive season knowing you had a much slimmer figure. The ad slogan he
came up with? Halve yourself! A merry little Christmas! (Cynthia MacGregor)
As chaplain in a university residence hall, I am supposed to uphold all of
the school rules, which include a ban on pets. That changed when a kitten
adopted me. The freshmen in my dorm kept my secret. They covered for me by
calling my kitten "the Book," since I had so many in my room. The freshmen
in my dorm kept my secret. They covered for me by calling my kitten "the
Book," since I had so many in my room. One morning I was leaving the dorm
with the kitten in a carrier. A student stopped me and asked, "Where are
you taking the Book?" I explained that I was taking the kitten to the vet.
"She's getting neutered today," I told him. "Hmmm," the student responded,
"no sequels." (Marvin Sanderford)
A young couple approached the desk in a big hotel. "We've just been
married," the young man explained, "but we forgot to make reservations.
Could you give us a suite for the night?" "Certainly," replied the clerk.
"Would you like the bridal?" "Oh, no thanks," said the young man. "Now that
we're married we're going to stop horsing around!" (Joey Adams)
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet
with the church board following the close of the service. The first man to
arrive and greet the minister was a total stranger. "You misunderstood my
announcement. This is a meeting of the board members," explained the
minister. "I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored
than I am, then I'd like to meet him." (Arca Max)
SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES:
A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worry
about getting seasick. The doctor suggests, ''Eat two pounds of stewed
tomatoes before you leave the dock.'' The guy replies, ''Would that keep me
from getting sick, Doc?'' The doctor says, ''No, but it'll look real pretty
in the water.'' (Jokes.com)
Carla was well into her sixties when she went to her doctor complaining of
nausea, exhaustion, and occasional cramps. After a thorough examination the
doctor sent her to the hospital for a battery of tests, and finally
confronted her with the results. "Mrs. Barber, medically impossible though
it seems at your age, there's no doubt about it: you're pregnant."
"Impossible," she cried, and fainted dead away. When she came to, she
staggered to the phone, dialed her seventyeightyear-old husband, and
screeched, "You've knocked me up, you randy old goat!" There was a long
pause at the other end of the line. Then a voice said, "And to whom am I
speaking?" (Blanche Knott)
The ad said, "Used computers for sale cheap," so he went to check them out.
One was a Gateway, the other another popular brand. The Gateway came with
adequate RAM, a word processing program, and several other programs as
well. But he chose the other one. Why?
Far More in the Dell. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Rectum: To knock a team out of the playoffs as the Marlins and Yankees did
to the Cubs and Red Socks. (Stan Kegel)
Peacekeepers: Madames and pimps (Bob Dvorak)
Rigmarole: Lead in a movie about a mother trucker (Ken Pinkham)
Robot: An automated oarsman (Cynthia MacGregor)
Biplane:what a hijacker says while triggering an explosion. (Douglas Drill)
SONNET OF THE EXECUTED COUNT
They say that during the Tthirty Years' War
a count was captured by the enemy,
but he refused to talk, even though he
was lashed at first (each lash leaving a scar)
and later threatened with the axe. "There are
worst fates than death," he said. "And as for me,
no matter what you do, I'll always be
totally loyal to my king." So far
did the game go they felt the count would mock
them all, and called the axeman. For a spell
he panicked, said "I'll talk!" but the axe fell
as did his head right off the chopping block.
The moral is so obvious it will sicken....
Do not hatchet your counts before they chicken!
(Pedro J. Saavedra)
When from Eden the people did fall,
Said the snake to them both with much gall,
"Here's a tip for Adam
And for you, dear madam:
You should know that you can't venom all."
OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS
Elephantiasis: As in, "This is impossible! I know that your sister was
found bound and gagged in the elephant's quarters, but how could an
__elephantiasis__. (Doug Drill)
Soldiers who spend all day in the bathroom become loo tenants. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Patron: "Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup."
Waiter: "What do you want? A funeral?" (Lederer & Ertner)
Doctor! Doctor! I keep forgetting things!
When did this start happening?
When did what start happening? (Archives)
To err is human, two curs canine. (Douglas Helsel)
"I'm trying to do something about my bad breath," Tom asserted. (Paul
Hammer: Caution: Do not use this hammer to strike any solid object. (Carin Lamberson)
Confucius says, "He who crosses ocean twice without washing, dirty double
crosser." (Curly David)
BOSS ON EGO TRIP DUE TO RETURN IN A WEEK (Steven Kramer)
FOR ADULTS ONLY:
"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because
he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor. "You
didn't do it, did you?" "I have to admit I did -- though with certain
misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband
the rent is paid up for six months!" (Sandy Sibert)
Whats the difference between a snake and a goose?
A snake is an asp in the grass, and a goose is a clasp in the ass.
A traveling buyer had been on a trip for three months. Every few weeks he'd
send a telegram to his wife saying: "Can't come home. Still buying." The
wife stood it for a while, but when the fourth month started and her
husband still had no idea of returning, she decided to do something. She
sent him a telegram. "Better come home. I'm selling what you're buying."
What would be one of the advantages of electing a woman president?
We wouldn't have to pay her as much! (Blanche Knotts)
Confucius says, "woman who spend much time on bedspring, may get
offspring." (Curly David)
A snooty matron caught the supermarket stock boy at an unguarded moment.
"Young man," she demanded icily, "Don't you know it's bad matters to
scratch your balls before others?" He stammered around for a few minutes,
then ask in bewilderment, "What am I supposed to do...offer to scratch
yours first?" (William Brabant)
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
Because those men already have boyfriends.(Owen K. Loring)
Being troubled with coughing spells, a teenage girl was taken by her mother
to see a doctor. He explained that the girl's chest must be examined for a
proper diagnosis. Placing his stethoscope above her heart, he said, "Big
breaths." "Yeth," she replied proudly. "And I'm only thix teen!" (Playboy)
How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls. (SheriBeinBad)
She got out of bed,
Put on her robe,
Put up the shade,
Uncovered the parrot,
Went to the kitchen
Lit the gas,
Put on the coffee,
And the telephone rang.
"Hi-ya Babe, just got in from St. Paul
Get ready and I'll be right over."
She took off the coffee,
Turned off the gas,
Went into the bedroom
Pulled down the shade,
Covered the parrot,
Took off the robe,
Got in the bed,
And the parrot said,
"Mighty damn short day, wasn't it?" (Over Sexteen)