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Puns of the Day: 11-03-03

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  • Stan Kegel
    PUNS OF THE DAY: 11-03-03 IN THE NEWS Arnold Schwarzenegger held a joint press conference with Gray Davis Friday. What a missed opportunity. If voters had
    Message 1 of 1 , Nov 3 10:02 AM
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      PUNS OF THE DAY: 11-03-03


      Arnold Schwarzenegger held a joint press conference with Gray Davis Friday.
      What a missed opportunity. If voters had known that two weeks after the
      recall the state would look like a landscape of the moon we could have
      elected Jerry Brown. (Argus Hamilton)

      The governor-elect told me that because he was once signed to play for a
      major league baseball team, and often speaks at high school and college
      sports banquets. He is frequently introduced as an athletic supporter.
      (Joey Adams)

      The Joint Chiefs of Staff met with the president and vice-president today.
      Bush was briefed. Cheney was boxered. (Cynthia MacGregor)

      In Washington, Arnold Schwarzenegger met with Vice President Dick Cheney.
      So, the Terminator met the Defibrillator. The difference between
      Schwarzenegger and Cheney is that when Cheney grabs a chest, it's his own.
      (Jay Leno)

      It's been reported that public schools in California are so strapped for
      money, they are dropping foreign language classes. People in California
      complain that unless the students study a foreign language, they won't be
      able to understand their governor (Conan O'Brien)

      President Bush said that the increase of attacks on our forces in Iraq is
      proof that we're making progress. He also said the increase in global
      warming shows we are doing a better job cleaning up the environment, and
      the fact we are paying more and more for prescription drugs just proves our
      healthcare system is in great shape. So it's nice to see everything is
      looking good. (Jay Leno)

      California fires were doused by the arrival of winter rains Friday. Now
      it's time for the mudslides. Forget Congressional elections, the most
      exciting house races in America start at the top of Malibu Canyon and end
      on Pacific Coast Highway. (Argus Hamilton)

      Most major airlines are in big financial trouble. Some of the austerity
      measures are a bit alarming. Instead of lavatory paper, they’ve found a new
      use for the magazines. (Alan Ray)

      We have seen the new 25 cent pieces representing the states. New Jersey has
      Washington crossing the Delaware, Connecticut is represented by a tree, and
      Georgia by a peach, and Alabama by Helen Keller but does anyone know if the
      horse on the Delaware coin is a quarter horse? (Asa Sparks)


      What do you call a scraggly leafless tree decorated with a shotgun shell?
      A cartridge in a bare tree. (Frank Stewert)

      What did the fly say after being swatted when he landed on
      a calculator?
      ' "I guess my number was up." (Lederer & Ertner)

      What would you get if you crossed a basketball with a newborn snake?
      A bouncing baby boa. (Joseph Rosenbloom)

      Why was the boy afraid of the baseball game?
      He heard it was a double header. (Mike Benny)

      What kind of tooth is worth a dollar?
      A buck tooth! (George, 7)

      Why do you say that whales talk a lot?
      Because they are always spouting off` (Kids Jokes)

      What country makes you shiver?
      Chile. (Carol Silver)

      What's the largest ant in the world?
      Antarctica! (T.J., 12)

      Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
      Because pepper water makes them sneeze! (Chaz, 10)

      Why did Dracula flunk art class?
      Because he could only draw blood! (Daily Groaner)

      Why did the orange go to the doctor?
      Because it wasn’t pealing good. (Amy, 7)

      What do moths study in school?
      Mothematics! (Patrick, 7)

      What dinosaur slept 20 hours a day?
      A dinosnore (Mighty Funnies: Betty Debnam)

      What weighs 5000 pounds, eats peanuts and lives in Los Angeles?
      An LA phant (Jose, 8)

      Why was the king of the beasts worried about the weather?
      Because there was only a 10% chance of its reigning. (Mike Artell)


      At the Art Museum: “This place just reeks of art history. Like this it’s
      Eve in the Garden of Eden,” “Hmmm, I see she wore the plants in the
      family.” (Shoe: Cassett & Brookins)

      Nothing comes unfastened quicker than a snap judgment. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)


      Ghengis had a tough time with malingerers who did not want to fight for him
      because of their anti-war beliefs. They became known as Khanscientious
      Objectors. (Tiff Wimberly)

      The teacher didn’t mind when the test answers were shouted out because
      aloud was allowed. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

      A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. (Mike Bull)

      Did I tell you that the drunk went to China to Taiwan on? (Joey Adams)

      A harp is a nude piano. (Richard Lederer)

      She swallowed a peach seed and could feel it in the pit of her stomach.
      (Pun of the Day)

      A fellow whose selective service number came up insisted he should be
      exempted from the army because he was employed as a designer for Chrysler
      Motors. He was a Dodge drafter. (Gary Hallock)

      What're the good things about having Alzheimer's?
      You're always meeting new people, and you can hide your own Easter eggs.
      (Blanche Knott)

      He's a born-again Christian. The trouble is, he suffered brain damage
      during rebirth. (Heidi)

      Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.
      However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire.
      Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled (Bob Welk)


      A doctor performing bariatric surgery decided to advertise his procedure in
      the local paper in order to get more new patients, and to hire a local
      advertising agency to write a spiffy ad for him that would stand out from
      the other ads from such doctors. This was in the late summer, and the ad
      exec decided that the theme of the ad should be that if you underwent the
      surgery now, you could be svelte in time for the holidays and really enjoy
      the festive season knowing you had a much slimmer figure. The ad slogan he
      came up with? Halve yourself! A merry little Christmas! (Cynthia MacGregor)

      As chaplain in a university residence hall, I am supposed to uphold all of
      the school rules, which include a ban on pets. That changed when a kitten
      adopted me. The freshmen in my dorm kept my secret. They covered for me by
      calling my kitten "the Book," since I had so many in my room. The freshmen
      in my dorm kept my secret. They covered for me by calling my kitten "the
      Book," since I had so many in my room. One morning I was leaving the dorm
      with the kitten in a carrier. A student stopped me and asked, "Where are
      you taking the Book?" I explained that I was taking the kitten to the vet.
      "She's getting neutered today," I told him. "Hmmm," the student responded,
      "no sequels." (Marvin Sanderford)

      A young couple approached the desk in a big hotel. "We've just been
      married," the young man explained, "but we forgot to make reservations.
      Could you give us a suite for the night?" "Certainly," replied the clerk.
      "Would you like the bridal?" "Oh, no thanks," said the young man. "Now that
      we're married we're going to stop horsing around!" (Joey Adams)

      After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet
      with the church board following the close of the service. The first man to
      arrive and greet the minister was a total stranger. "You misunderstood my
      announcement. This is a meeting of the board members," explained the
      minister. "I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored
      than I am, then I'd like to meet him." (Arca Max)


      A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worry
      about getting seasick. The doctor suggests, ''Eat two pounds of stewed
      tomatoes before you leave the dock.'' The guy replies, ''Would that keep me
      from getting sick, Doc?'' The doctor says, ''No, but it'll look real pretty
      in the water.'' (Jokes.com)

      Carla was well into her sixties when she went to her doctor complaining of
      nausea, exhaustion, and occasional cramps. After a thorough examination the
      doctor sent her to the hospital for a battery of tests, and finally
      confronted her with the results. "Mrs. Barber, medically impossible though
      it seems at your age, there's no doubt about it: you're pregnant."
      "Impossible," she cried, and fainted dead away. When she came to, she
      staggered to the phone, dialed her seventyeightyear-old husband, and
      screeched, "You've knocked me up, you randy old goat!" There was a long
      pause at the other end of the line. Then a voice said, "And to whom am I
      speaking?" (Blanche Knott)


      The ad said, "Used computers for sale cheap," so he went to check them out.
      One was a Gateway, the other another popular brand. The Gateway came with
      adequate RAM, a word processing program, and several other programs as
      well. But he chose the other one. Why?
      Far More in the Dell. (Cynthia MacGregor)


      Rectum: To knock a team out of the playoffs as the Marlins and Yankees did
      to the Cubs and Red Socks. (Stan Kegel)

      Peacekeepers: Madames and pimps (Bob Dvorak)

      Rigmarole: Lead in a movie about a mother trucker (Ken Pinkham)

      Robot: An automated oarsman (Cynthia MacGregor)

      Biplane:what a hijacker says while triggering an explosion. (Douglas Drill)


      They say that during the Tthirty Years' War
      a count was captured by the enemy,
      but he refused to talk, even though he
      was lashed at first (each lash leaving a scar)
      and later threatened with the axe. "There are
      worst fates than death," he said. "And as for me,
      no matter what you do, I'll always be
      totally loyal to my king." So far
      did the game go they felt the count would mock
      them all, and called the axeman. For a spell
      he panicked, said "I'll talk!" but the axe fell
      as did his head right off the chopping block.
      The moral is so obvious it will sicken....
      Do not hatchet your counts before they chicken!
      (Pedro J. Saavedra)

      When from Eden the people did fall,
      Said the snake to them both with much gall,
      "Here's a tip for Adam
      And for you, dear madam:
      You should know that you can't venom all."
      (Kirk Miller)


      Elephantiasis: As in, "This is impossible! I know that your sister was
      found bound and gagged in the elephant's quarters, but how could an
      __elephantiasis__.” (Doug Drill)

      Soldiers who spend all day in the bathroom become loo tenants. (Cynthia MacGregor)

      Patron: "Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup."
      Waiter: "What do you want? A funeral?" (Lederer & Ertner)

      “Doctor! Doctor! I keep forgetting things! “
      “When did this start happening? “
      “When did what start happening?” (Archives)

      To err is human, two curs canine. (Douglas Helsel)

      "I'm trying to do something about my bad breath," Tom asserted. (Paul

      Hammer: Caution: Do not use this hammer to strike any solid object. (Carin Lamberson)

      Confucius says, "He who crosses ocean twice without washing, dirty double
      crosser." (Curly David)



      "That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because
      he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor. "You
      didn't do it, did you?" "I have to admit I did -- though with certain
      misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband
      the rent is paid up for six months!" (Sandy Sibert)

      What’s the difference between a snake and a goose?
      A snake is an asp in the grass, and a goose is a clasp in the ass.
      (Richard Lederer)

      A traveling buyer had been on a trip for three months. Every few weeks he'd
      send a telegram to his wife saying: "Can't come home. Still buying." The
      wife stood it for a while, but when the fourth month started and her
      husband still had no idea of returning, she decided to do something. She
      sent him a telegram. "Better come home. I'm selling what you're buying."
      (Over Sexteen)

      What would be one of the advantages of electing a woman president?
      We wouldn't have to pay her as much! (Blanche Knotts)

      Confucius says, "woman who spend much time on bedspring, may get
      offspring." (Curly David)

      A snooty matron caught the supermarket stock boy at an unguarded moment.
      "Young man," she demanded icily, "Don't you know it's bad matters to
      scratch your balls before others?" He stammered around for a few minutes,
      then ask in bewilderment, "What am I supposed to do...offer to scratch
      yours first?" (William Brabant)

      Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
      Because those men already have boyfriends.(Owen K. Loring)

      Being troubled with coughing spells, a teenage girl was taken by her mother
      to see a doctor. He explained that the girl's chest must be examined for a
      proper diagnosis. Placing his stethoscope above her heart, he said, "Big
      breaths." "Yeth," she replied proudly. "And I'm only thix teen!" (Playboy)

      How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
      Even the pool table doesn't have balls. (SheriBeinBad)

      She got out of bed,
      Put on her robe,
      Put up the shade,
      Uncovered the parrot,
      Went to the kitchen
      Lit the gas,
      Put on the coffee,
      And the telephone rang.
      "Hi-ya Babe, just got in from St. Paul
      Get ready and I'll be right over."
      She took off the coffee,
      Turned off the gas,
      Went into the bedroom
      Pulled down the shade,
      Covered the parrot,
      Took off the robe,
      Got in the bed,
      And the parrot said,
      "Mighty damn short day, wasn't it?" (Over Sexteen)
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