Puns of the Day: 10-01-03
- PUNS OF THE DAY: 10-01-03
IN THE NEWS
Arnold Schwarzenegger is favored to be next governor of California. He
could take office in just a week. The California recall transfers power so
fast that Homeland Security just declared a red alert for everyone in the
state named Romanov. (Argus Hamilton)
California's recall election is just a week away. Despite low poll numbers,
porn queen Mary Carey doesn't know how to quit. Usually, it's a guy who
pulls out. (Alan Ray)
Over ten thousand people have signed a petition to recall Governor
Schwarzenegger. I'm sorry, that is next year's joke. (Craig Kilborn)
Campaign Slogans: Arnold Schwarzenegger: Of Course He's Sincere: We Already
Know He Can't Act (Chris White)
Campaign Slogans: Porn Star Mary Carey: Free Trial Campaign Speeches -- No
Credit Card Needed! (Chris White)
Candidate Statements: Trek Kelly: As governor, I will change the calendar
and put 24 months in the year instead of 12, That way everyone would be
half their age and we would save an enormous amount on health care.
If Penelope Cruz marries Tom Cruise, then divorces him to marry the
lieutenant governor, and if he takes her name, he becomes Cruz Cruz Cruise,
The White House now has disputed allegations by members of the House
Intelligence Committee that President Bush went to war with Iraq based on
vague intelligence. Of course he did. Everything Bush does is based on
vague intelligence. (Jay Leno)
According to a recent article, the Bush campaign is convinced that the
election of 2004 could be won or lost on a handful of votes. Those votes
would be Sandra Day O'Connor, Clarence Thomas, Rhenquist. (Jay Leno)
Sometimes I wonder whether people prefer episodes of "The Andy Griffith
Show" before or after George Lindsey joined the cast, but most of the ones
I ask don't want to get into that Goobernatorial debate. (Brad Simanek)
So, congratulations, actually, to Florida. You're no longer our most
damning national embarrassment. Perhaps you can have a wet t-shirt contest
to celebrate. (Jon Stewart)
The FDA is close to approving a Viagra alternative that reportedly remains
effective for 36 hours per pill. Side effects for the drug include
headaches, upset stomachs and a burning desire to run for Congress. (Jacob Novak)
JEST FOR KIDS
Can giraffes have babies?
No, they only have giraffes! (LAB Laughs)
When are geologists unpopular?
When they are fault-finders. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
What do ducks do when they fly upside down?
They quack up. (Bennett Cerf)
What has four legs and a tail and goes tick-tock?
A watchdog (Dalay, 12)
What kind of thief steals meat?
A hamburglar. (Kids Jokes)
What is very light, but can't be held for long?
Your breath! (Sherrod, 11 )
"Please define rebate."
"To put another worm on your fishhook." (Lederer & Ertner)
What music do rabbits listen to?
Hip Hop! (Daily Groaner)
How do you prevent a Summer cold?
Catch it in the Winter! (Carol Silver)
What kind of pie can fly?
A magpie! (Cara, 6)
Did you hear about the kennel owner who crossed a basset with a beagle...
and got a bagel? (Beckie Shiles)
Traveler: Excuse me, Im registered in this hotel. Can you tell me what
room I am in? Clerk: Certainly, youre in the lobby. (Daisy, 12)
These pants have shrunk! No you have gained weight, Nick. Youre going
to have to watch what you eat and exercise more to reduce that waistline.
(sigh) The waist is a terrible thing to mind. (One Big Happy: Rick Detone)
Whenever I go on an ego trip, my superego wont let me have fun (Frank and
Ernie: Bob Thaves)
A computer techie is someone who smiles at trouble. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed. (Curly David)
The miner quit his job because he was always down. (Jumble: Arnold &
Did you hear about the new football stadium in Warsaw?
It had to be torn down, because everywhere you sat, you sat behind a Pole.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. (Curt Dayton)
The four basic food groups: canned, frozen, fast and takeout. (Renee from Napa)
My new bumper sticker says "Re-defeat Bush in 2004." (Renee From Napa)
In 1922 Rubber gloves were made, and they came in handy. (Daryl Stout)
Before you marry twice, it is important that you divorce once. (Jumble:
Arnold & Argirlon)
The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear.
The part of the automobile responsible for most accidents is the nut
holding the steering wheel. (Douglas Helsel)
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. (Tom Den)
It was during the war. A soldier was found lashed to the train tracks and
his remains were spread widely when he was run over. The police with the
assistance of the F. B. I., and Army intelligence rapidly investigated the
incidence. A press conference was called and the police chief was asked if
this were part of a foreign plot. No, said the chief, We believe there
was a locomotive. (Archives)
While driving down the road the motorist say a roadside stand which had a
fortune teller sitting under an umbrella. She was just sitting there
smiling and laughing. The motorist passed on by and went a couple of miles
on down the road. All of a sudden he spun his car around and sped back
toward the fortune teller. As he got closer to the still laughing fortune
teller he began to slow down. He pulled up next to the woman and jumped out
of his car and suddenly began slapping and beating her. A policeman passing
by screeched to a stop and wresseled the man to the ground. After cuffing
the man he stood him up and asked him, "What do you think you're doing?"
After a moment the man replied, "Well, I've always wanted to strike a happy
Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of
a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for
reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the
road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to
contain large upholstery tacks. "I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the
driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket." Amazed, the
driver asked for what. The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion." (Archives)
"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first
day of the new academic year. "He's a magician, Ma'am," said Little Johnny.
"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?" she asked. "He saws people in
half," answered Little Johnny. "Gosh that's exciting. Next question. Any
brothers or sisters?" continued the secretary. "One half brother and two
half sisters." replied Little Johnny. (Little Johnny)
SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES:
Morris, a tourist, once came to Israel with the intention of visiting the
Kotel (Western Wall) but he forgot what it was called. When he stepped into
a taxi, he said to the driver "Can you please take me to the place where
all Jews cry? Do you know where this is?" The taxi driver answered,
"Beseder - I'll take you there." He drove Morris straight to the taxation
office. (Gard Webster)
Combination: To search all over the country (Stan Kegel)
Corrosive: Mesh strainer designed to filter fish eggs from your automobile
Upper crust- A lot of crumbs held together with dough. (Geoff Tibballs)
Seen: A division of a play (Joseph Leff)
OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS
All the puns at the expense of the gnu,
I mean, what's a poor wildebeest to do?
I could say I abhor it
Or try to ignore it
But antelope will know that I knew.
He's got one of those sight-seeing dogs. (Gail S. Angel)
He can hit just as good right-handed as he can left-handed. He's just
naturally amphibious. (Yoga Berra)
"Aw, go milk a cow," she uttered. (Paul Dickson)
"Absolutely," said Bob with a drunken slur. (Bob Dvorak)
The trucker explained that he was early because he had had no (BREAKS,
BRAKES). (Stan Kegel)
The Leaky Tap by Constance Drippin (Ed Kottler)
Headline: Deer Kill 17,000 (Randall Woodman)
Saturday 10:00 a.m. Easter Matinee. Every child laying a egg in the
doorman's hand will be admitted free. We want your eggs and we want them
bad. (Richard Lederer)
SPORTSCASTER: And in the world of baseball: The Los Angeles Dodgers lead
the San Francisco Giants 3-5 after eleven innings ... I've got two words
for this report ... im-possible! (Kermit Schafer)
If you like beef enchiladas (If you like pina coladas) Escape Rupert
Holmes (Gavin Edwards)
FOR ADULTS ONLY:
I was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy... I'd have had nothing
to play with. (Rodney Dangerfield)
A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at
lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the
shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that
night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had
ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet
tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I
couldn't wait any longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge.
She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves
a rehearsal." "A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a
performance?" "No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes." (Jill K.)
The trouble is, the modern gal is always in too much of a hurry hustling
here and hustling there. You'd be amazed how many hustlers there are these
days. (Under Sexty)
The Dutch journalist across the table was asking an Italian oenologist
seated next to me if there was any cultural tradition behind a practice
adhered to by the vinously famous Frescobaldi family. At birth, girls are
given 100 bottles from their birth year, but boys are given 500. No, was
the answer, appropriately accompanied by exaggerated facial and body
expressions. Obviously this is Italian birth control. The woman drinks one
bottle. The man attempts to drink five, and passes out before he can rise
to the occasion. (Myke Ashley-Cooper)
Two necrophiliacs were discussing their love interests when the first
asked, "Whatever happened to that last girlfriend of yours?" "The rotten
cunt split on me," replied the second. (Mr. Giggles)
Sign on door to sperm bank: Please Cum Inside (Myke Ashley-Cooper)