PUNS OF THE DAY: 08-01-03
IN THE NEWS
The reports today say prostitution has returned to the streets of Baghdad.
They've gone from a no-fly zone to an open-fly zone. In fact they said it
was $20 to look for your weapon of mass destruction, $50 if they find it.
The World Series of Poker got underway at Binion Casino in Las Vegas. It's
a real company town. When Uday and Qusay Hussein were killed in Mosul last
Tuesday, it was announced on Las Vegas local news that President Bush has
two aces in the hole. (Argus Hamilton)
According to a brand new study by Italian scientists, eating one or more
pizzas a week dramatically decreases the chance of getting cancer - mainly
because it's hard to get cancer after dying from a heart attack. (Conan O'Brien)
The Sacramento Bee is reporting that Arnold Schwarzenegger is not going to
run for governor. You know what would be better? Arnold should do what he
does in the Terminator movies. He should go back in time and prevent Gray
Davis from ever being born. That way you wouldn't have the problem. (Jay Leno)
JEST FOR KIDS
Why did the Sheriff arrest the chicken?
It used fowl language. (Angela, 8)
What is the first thing you do in the morning?
You wake up. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
What did the woman say to the calculator?
"I'm counting on you." (Kid's Jokes)
Where do cars go swimming?
In a car pool! (Vanessa, 12)
What room cant a ghost get into?
A living room (Carlos, 9)
How do you cut the sea in half?
With a sea saw! (Amy, 11)
Did you hear about the two bears who were in a debate?
They became polarized. (Lederer & Ertner)
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor. (Paul Benoit
What's the perfect cure for dandruff?
Baldness! (Ciara, 10)
How do you stop an elephant from going through the eye of a needle?
Tie a knot in its tail (Lorrie, 8)
What do you call a single Korean flatfish spirit?
A sole Seoul sole soul. (Daily Groaner)
A fanatic gardener is a blooming idiot (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
Do you think when Vanna White and her husband got married, they exchanged
vowels? (Right Deck: Peter Waldner)
Lassie: It was hard starting out as a dog actor. Of course, my first part
was only a bit role. (Reality Check: Dave Whamond)
I'm going to try the Atkins diet in 2003, because my end no longer
justifies the jeans. (Bill Stebbins/Marsha Coleman)
When the soda truck stalled, traffic was bottled up. (Jumble: Arnold &
When I stand in front of all my fans, I'm blown away! (Pun of the Day)
Our car has begun to show quite a few new dings and scratches since my two
boys began driving. These are known to be early symptoms of parkin' sons
disease. (Gary Hallock)
My uncle Bruce was a hairdresser in Texas. He dyed with his boots on. (Norm
Stevenson/ The International Save the Pun Foundation)
Los Angeles bars are full of women with fake nails, false eyelashes and
breast implants who complain there are no real men in this town. (Argus
A client asked his lawyer how to plead. The lawyer said, "On your knees!"
A Recipe for Borscht? Beets me. (Owen K. Loring)
The next time your mind goes blank, do all of us a favor -- turn off the
In 1923 Cows were first shipped by raft down the Mississippi River. They
travelled on Cattle Logs. (Daryl Stout)
All I need is room enough to lay a hat and a few friends. (Dorothy Parker)
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. (E4Fun)
If you want to contact someone in the Country Music industry, you send your
mail to Nashville. If you want to talk to Motown, you naturally send your
mail to, well, Motown (Detroit, for non-US participants). But the Doo-Wop
music of the '50's, it appears, was headquartered in a little hill town in,
well, it was hard to find it. This was rectified in 1963 with the
introduction of the USA Zoning Improvement Plan (ZIP codes)... thereafter
it was easy to send mail to these guys, by using the "ZIP o' de Doo-Wop".
When Red Murphy was named Coach of the Year, nobody was surprised, for Red
had taken a last-place baseball team and made them into champions in just
one year, and people said he turned more L's into W's than anybody since
Barbara Walters tried to read the 'Luke Luck licks lakes' page in Dr.
Seuss' 'Fox in Socks'. (Brad Jolly)
Police are investigating the murder of Juan Gonzales. It looks as if he was
killed with a golf gun," one detective observes. "A golf gun?" asks his
partner. "What in the world is a golf gun?" "I don't know," the detective
answers, "but it surely made a hole in Juan." (Gail S. Angel)
A tax collector went to a tannery. "Why haven't you paid your taxes?" the
collector asked the owner of the tannery. "Business has been very bad,"
answered the tanner. "Do you mind if I check around the place?"asked the
tax man. "Go ahead," invited the owner, "You'll see I have nothing to
hide." (Gard Webster)
Mrs. Taylor, asked her 5th grade history class, "When was Rome built?" and
called on Timothy to answer first. "Rome was built at night." was his
answer. "At night?" asked Mrs. Taylor, holding her ruler firmly in her
hands. "How ever did you get such an idea?" "Well," gulped the student,
hoping his answer would satisfy her, "everyone knows Rome wasn't built in a
day." (Douglas Helsel)
SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES:
A man walks into a bar. He sees a good-looking, smartly dressed woman
sitting on the bar stool. He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there, how's
it going?" Having already had a few drinks, she turns around, faces him,
looks him straight in the eyes and says, "Listen! I'll screw anybody, any
time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter." He says, "No
kidding, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with? (Keith)
Six months after a waiter died, his widow went to see a medium, who
promised she would contact the man in the great beyond. During the seance,
the widow was sure she saw her husband standing in the corner, dressed in
his waiter's outfit. "Arnold!" she cried. "Come closer and speak to me!" A
ghostly voice drifted from the corner... "I can't. It's not my table."
Contract: To follow the prisoner (Stan Kegel)
Astrosphere: George Jetson's dog's ball. (Kim Soriano)
Rheumatic: Upper apartment (Paul Dickson).
Asleep: A donkey's jump. (Joseph Leff)
Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction. (Curly David)
OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS
A donkey corral
Becomes a famed ski resort
And is called ASPEN!
"Let's make the prisoner walk down the stairs," said Tom condescendingly.
"I'm visiting relatives in Scotland," Tom said clandestinally. (Stan Kegel)
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict. (Richard Lederer)
On a library in Marlboro, New Hampshire, honoring Robert Frost: This is the
Frost Free Library (Marsha Chapman)
The following was heard on an episode of "Dragnet." Sergeant Friday was
interviewing a swindle victim who said, "I have a wife and three kids, all
under twelve." (Kermit Schafer)
Flips and Tumples by Jim Nastics. (Syman Hirsch)
You're not shy. You're 'conversationally selective.' (Syman Hirsch)
FOR ADULTS ONLY:
While filling up a form in class, Peter came across the column
'mother-tongue'. Not knowing what it meant, he wrote 'Four inches long'.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a prostitute?
A two ton pickup. (Michael Rogers)
A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?" She
says, "What's that?" He says, "We go to my house and fuck, and then you
disappear." (Flash Jokes)
Completing his examination of the uncommonly well-built, beautiful blonde,
the doctor said solemnly, "You are a very sick young lady. I don't want you
returning to work this afternoon. Go home, get undressed, and get into bed.
Drink about a third of this bottle of medicine I'm preparing for you -. .
it will make you drowsy. I don't want you to answer your phone or let
anybody into your apartment until you hear three short knocks . . (Playboy)
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own
pants. (Curly David)
A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got
some bad news for you." "Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he
complained. "Tell me some good news for once." All right, here's some good
news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile." (Fun-World News)
What's a wiener?
The first runner to cross the finish line in a Mexican race! (Curly David)
Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you. (Luke Davis)