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Puns of the Day: 08-01-03

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  • Stan Kegel
    PUNS OF THE DAY: 08-01-03 IN THE NEWS The reports today say prostitution has returned to the streets of Baghdad. They ve gone from a no-fly zone to an
    Message 1 of 1 , Aug 1 10:18 AM
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      PUNS OF THE DAY: 08-01-03

      IN THE NEWS

      The reports today say prostitution has returned to the streets of Baghdad.
      They've gone from a no-fly zone to an open-fly zone. In fact they said it
      was $20 to look for your weapon of mass destruction, $50 if they find it.
      (Jay Leno)

      The World Series of Poker got underway at Binion Casino in Las Vegas. It's
      a real company town. When Uday and Qusay Hussein were killed in Mosul last
      Tuesday, it was announced on Las Vegas local news that President Bush has
      two aces in the hole. (Argus Hamilton)

      According to a brand new study by Italian scientists, eating one or more
      pizzas a week dramatically decreases the chance of getting cancer - mainly
      because it's hard to get cancer after dying from a heart attack. (Conan O'Brien)

      The Sacramento Bee is reporting that Arnold Schwarzenegger is not going to
      run for governor. You know what would be better? Arnold should do what he
      does in the Terminator movies. He should go back in time and prevent Gray
      Davis from ever being born. That way you wouldn't have the problem. (Jay Leno)

      JEST FOR KIDS

      Why did the Sheriff arrest the chicken?
      It used fowl language. (Angela, 8)

      What is the first thing you do in the morning?
      You wake up. (Joseph Rosenbloom)

      What did the woman say to the calculator?
      "I'm counting on you." (Kid's Jokes)

      Where do cars go swimming?
      In a car pool! (Vanessa, 12)

      What room can’t a ghost get into?
      A living room (Carlos, 9)

      How do you cut the sea in half?
      With a sea saw! (Amy, 11) •

      Did you hear about the two bears who were in a debate?
      They became polarized. (Lederer & Ertner)

      What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
      A flat minor. (Paul Benoit

      What's the perfect cure for dandruff?
      Baldness! (Ciara, 10)

      How do you stop an elephant from going through the eye of a needle?
      Tie a knot in its tail (Lorrie, 8)

      What do you call a single Korean flatfish spirit?
      A sole Seoul sole soul. (Daily Groaner)

      COMICS

      A fanatic gardener is a blooming idiot (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

      Do you think when Vanna White and her husband got married, they exchanged
      vowels? (Right Deck: Peter Waldner)

      Lassie: “It was hard starting out as a dog actor. Of course, my first part
      was only a bit role.” (Reality Check: Dave Whamond)

      ONE-LINERS:

      I'm going to try the Atkins diet in 2003, because my end no longer
      justifies the jeans. (Bill Stebbins/Marsha Coleman)

      When the soda truck stalled, traffic was bottled up. (Jumble: Arnold &
      Argirlon)

      When I stand in front of all my fans, I'm blown away! (Pun of the Day)

      Our car has begun to show quite a few new dings and scratches since my two
      boys began driving. These are known to be early symptoms of parkin' sons
      disease. (Gary Hallock)

      My uncle Bruce was a hairdresser in Texas. He dyed with his boots on. (Norm
      Stevenson/ The International Save the Pun Foundation)

      Los Angeles bars are full of women with fake nails, false eyelashes and
      breast implants who complain there are no real men in this town. (Argus
      Hamilton)

      A client asked his lawyer how to plead. The lawyer said, "On your knees!"
      (Douglas Helsel)

      A Recipe for Borscht? Beets me. (Owen K. Loring)

      The next time your mind goes blank, do all of us a favor -- turn off the
      sound. (Gag-O-Matic)

      In 1923 Cows were first shipped by raft down the Mississippi River. They
      travelled on Cattle Logs. (Daryl Stout)

      All I need is room enough to lay a hat and a few friends. (Dorothy Parker)

      I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. (E4Fun)

      GROANERS:

      If you want to contact someone in the Country Music industry, you send your
      mail to Nashville. If you want to talk to Motown, you naturally send your
      mail to, well, Motown (Detroit, for non-US participants). But the Doo-Wop
      music of the '50's, it appears, was headquartered in a little hill town in,
      well, it was hard to find it. This was rectified in 1963 with the
      introduction of the USA Zoning Improvement Plan (ZIP codes)... thereafter
      it was easy to send mail to these guys, by using the "ZIP o' de Doo-Wop".
      (Bob Dvorak)

      When Red Murphy was named Coach of the Year, nobody was surprised, for Red
      had taken a last-place baseball team and made them into champions in just
      one year, and people said he turned more L's into W's than anybody since
      Barbara Walters tried to read the 'Luke Luck licks lakes' page in Dr.
      Seuss' 'Fox in Socks'. (Brad Jolly)

      Police are investigating the murder of Juan Gonzales. It looks as if he was
      killed with a golf gun," one detective observes. "A golf gun?" asks his
      partner. "What in the world is a golf gun?" "I don't know," the detective
      answers, "but it surely made a hole in Juan." (Gail S. Angel)

      A tax collector went to a tannery. "Why haven't you paid your taxes?" the
      collector asked the owner of the tannery. "Business has been very bad,"
      answered the tanner. "Do you mind if I check around the place?"asked the
      tax man. "Go ahead," invited the owner, "You'll see I have nothing to
      hide." (Gard Webster)

      Mrs. Taylor, asked her 5th grade history class, "When was Rome built?" and
      called on Timothy to answer first. "Rome was built at night." was his
      answer. "At night?" asked Mrs. Taylor, holding her ruler firmly in her
      hands. "How ever did you get such an idea?" "Well," gulped the student,
      hoping his answer would satisfy her, "everyone knows Rome wasn't built in a
      day." (Douglas Helsel)

      SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES:

      A man walks into a bar. He sees a good-looking, smartly dressed woman
      sitting on the bar stool. He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there, how's
      it going?" Having already had a few drinks, she turns around, faces him,
      looks him straight in the eyes and says, "Listen! I'll screw anybody, any
      time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter." He says, "No
      kidding, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with? (Keith)

      Six months after a waiter died, his widow went to see a medium, who
      promised she would contact the man in the great beyond. During the seance,
      the widow was sure she saw her husband standing in the corner, dressed in
      his waiter's outfit. "Arnold!" she cried. "Come closer and speak to me!" A
      ghostly voice drifted from the corner... "I can't. It's not my table."
      (William Brabant)

      DEFINITIONS:

      Contract: To follow the prisoner (Stan Kegel)

      Astrosphere: George Jetson's dog's ball. (Kim Soriano)

      Rheumatic: Upper apartment (Paul Dickson).

      Asleep: A donkey's jump. (Joseph Leff)

      Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction. (Curly David)

      OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS

      A donkey corral
      Becomes a famed ski resort
      And is called ASPEN!
      (Ken Pinkham)

      "Let's make the prisoner walk down the stairs," said Tom condescendingly.
      (jim Ertner)

      "I'm visiting relatives in Scotland," Tom said clandestinally. (Stan Kegel)

      The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
      conflict. (Richard Lederer)

      On a library in Marlboro, New Hampshire, honoring Robert Frost: This is the
      Frost Free Library (Marsha Chapman)

      The following was heard on an episode of "Dragnet." Sergeant Friday was
      interviewing a swindle victim who said, "I have a wife and three kids, all
      under twelve." (Kermit Schafer)

      “Flips and Tumples” by Jim Nastics. (Syman Hirsch)

      You're not shy. You're 'conversationally selective.' (Syman Hirsch)

      FOR ADULTS ONLY:

      While filling up a form in class, Peter came across the column
      'mother-tongue'. Not knowing what it meant, he wrote 'Four inches long'.
      (LAB Laughs)

      What do you get when you cross an elephant with a prostitute?
      A two ton pickup. (Michael Rogers)

      A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?" She
      says, "What's that?" He says, "We go to my house and fuck, and then you
      disappear." (Flash Jokes)

      Completing his examination of the uncommonly well-built, beautiful blonde,
      the doctor said solemnly, "You are a very sick young lady. I don't want you
      returning to work this afternoon. Go home, get undressed, and get into bed.
      Drink about a third of this bottle of medicine I'm preparing for you -. .
      it will make you drowsy. I don't want you to answer your phone or let
      anybody into your apartment until you hear three short knocks . . (Playboy)

      Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own
      pants. (Curly David)

      A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got
      some bad news for you." "Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he
      complained. "Tell me some good news for once." All right, here's some good
      news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile." (Fun-World News)

      What's a wiener?
      The first runner to cross the finish line in a Mexican race! (Curly David)

      Why are men like laxatives?
      They irritate the shit out of you. (Luke Davis)
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