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Puns of the Day: 05/01/03

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  • Stan Kegel
    PUNS OF THE DAY: 05-01-03 Happy May Day Hope to see you in Austin Saturday IN THE NEWS Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling is now wealthier than Queen Elizabeth.
    Message 1 of 1 , May 1, 2003
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      PUNS OF THE DAY: 05-01-03 Happy May Day
      Hope to see you in Austin Saturday

      IN THE NEWS

      Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling is now wealthier than Queen Elizabeth.
      Each lead different lives. One deals in a fictional world with silly
      characters and melodramatic plots. The other writes children’s books (Alan Ray)

      The Securities and Exchange Commission nailed stock analyst Jack Grubman
      for misleading investors on Monday. They fined him $19 million for work
      that earned him $68 million. The idea is to teach everyone on Wall Street
      that crime doesn't pay. (Argus Hamilton)

      How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
      No one knows. It's never been tried! (Make Five)

      The CEO of the U.S. Olympic Committee has resigned in the wake of a scandal
      where he tried to steer Olympic business to his brother. Lloyd Ward is the
      former head of Maytag. You would think he would be able to do a better job
      of laundering money. (Jim Barach)

      JEST FOR KIDS

      What would you call two bananas?
      A pair of slippers (Kids Jokes)

      What do bees do if they want to use public transportation?
      Go to a buzz stop! (Ruth, 11)

      What did the clock do when it finished eating?
      It went back four seconds (Krysta, 11)

      What is the best way to catch a fish?
      Have someone throw it at you (Mighty Funnies: Betty Debnam)

      What do you call old decimals?
      Past tenths (Alec, 10)

      Why did the orange go to the doctor?
      He wasn’t peeling well (Max, 8)

      What do you call an operation that is a cure for dogs that won't stop barking?
      A yappin'-dectomy. (Lederer & Ertner)

      Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they
      want. (Douglas Helsel)

      A tomcat tells a female cat, "For you, I would die."
      The female asks, "How many times?" (Gag-O-Matic)

      He became a sky diver. Out of the blue! He was quite a down to earth guy.
      He just had to make sure that the terra he landed on was firma.(Mike Bull)

      RIDDLES

      What is the process through which macaroni is treated so it doesn't contain
      germs?
      Pasta-rization (Cynthia MacGregor)

      What movie details the measurement of the smallest parts of an atom using
      only dental equipment?
      Graders of the Flossed Quark (Stan Kegel)

      If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a toolbox, what does
      a mohel carry?
      A Bris-kit! (Bob Levi)

      What charges can you bring against a transvestite?
      Male fraud. (Bob C.)

      What do you call a weird, puzzling percussion instrument that has two heads
      and is played by two inhabitants of a convent?
      A conundrum. (Tyler Kaus)

      COMICS

      Let’s hope the stock market bottoms out before we do. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

      Nurse to surgeon: “What are you doing. This is supposed to be HEART
      surgery?” Doctor: “Oops! Sorry! I was thinking that the way to a man’s
      heart was through his stomach.” (Reality Check: Dave Whamond)

      Most annoying part of dealing with a parent company: “Why? WHY? Because we
      say so, that’s why!” (Speed Bump: Dave Coverly)

      Pythagoras’ Arbitration Service: He’s very good. He always knows the
      shortest distance between two sides. (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)

      ONE-LINERS:

      If you have a roll and a turnover in bed, you will not be hungry in the
      morning. (Pun of the Day)

      Just be careful if you and your wife buy a water bed, because you may start
      to drift apart.(Mike Bull)

      When a tailor makes a mistake, an excitable customer can have a fit.
      (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

      When the principal asked the teacher how long she planned to teach school,
      she replied, "From here to maternity." (Joey Adams)

      When a clock factory burned there was some second hand smoke (Pun of the Day)

      Before prostrate surgery, my doctor said that abominable surgery often
      leaves one incompetent. He was right, and I'm not the only one. (Paul Benoit)

      If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of
      Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she
      would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener. (John Mielach)

      The Baroque Period means when Bernard Baroque was active (Al Linkletter).

      "I see you bought a new car. What's the make?" "A Perndle." "I've never
      heard of a Perndle before." "Me neither, but that's what it says, right
      over the steering wheel: P-R-N-D-L." (Douglas Helsel)

      GROANERS:

      A police detective who hated homosexuals was fired because he unjustly
      arrested many alleged perpetrators who he even suspected of not being
      "straight." He was obviously living by the motto: another gay, another
      collar . (Tyler Kaus)

      My son went to the local pharmacy where he purchased a six-pack of Coca
      Cola and a paperback edition of "Of Human Bondage." His saw some friends
      come in, put his packages on the counter and went over to talk to them.
      When he returned the book was gone. He started searching the premises The
      pharmacist noticed him walking back and forth and asked him if there was a
      problem. He answered, ... "I've found my pop but I've lost my Maugham."
      (Archives)

      A ten-year-old girl asked and received help from a librarian on how to use
      the card catalog. In a little while, the girl approached the librarian
      again, wanting to know how to spell "tequila." "T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the
      librarian, as the girl thanked her and went back to her search. A short
      time later she came to the desk, looking quite distraught. "I just can't
      find it," she said. "What book are you looking for, honey?" the librarian
      asked. Replied the little girl, ... "Tequila Mockingbird." (Archives)

      An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:
      "Woof, woof woof woof. Woof woof woof woof woof." The clerk looked the
      paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could
      send another 'Woof' for the same price." "But," the dog replied, "what
      sense would that make!" (Clean Laffs)

      Bobby's class was having an English lesson, and the teacher called on Bobby
      to recite a sentence with a direct object. Bobby stood and thought, then
      said, "Teacher, everybody thinks you are beautiful." "Why thank you,
      Bobby," the teacher said, blushing. "But what is the direct object?" "A
      good report card next month," he replied. (Undwerw8)

      DEFINITIONS:

      Gallop: The portal to a woman's mouth (Cynthia MacGregor)

      Gestures: Redneck's answer to " We drunk all the beer yet?" (Ken Pinkham)

      Gyrate: What a gigolo charges (Stan Kegel)

      Hooker: One who is in charge of removing bad actors from the stage. (Tim
      Bruening)

      Winsome: As the football coach said after the game: "You win some, you lose
      some. (Geoff Tibballs)

      POETRY

      If money to me you'd disburse
      For odes that were raunchy or worse,
      In that case I could say,
      In my deviant way,
      "I guess that my pay'd be per verse."
      (Kirk Miller)

      TOM SWIFTIES:

      "Which floor?," Tom said liftingly. (Archives)

      "See my new sports car?" he asked triumphantly. (Paul Dickson)

      BLOOPERS, SIGNS AND HEADLINES :

      FLIER TO DUPLICATE MISS EARHART'S FATAL FLIGHT (Richard Lederer)

      Heard on WIOD in Miami, Florida: "This is Alan Courtney speaking. Don't
      forget, tonight at nine, our special guest . (PAUSE) . . . will be . . . I
      forgot." (Kermit Schafer)

      FOR ADULTS ONLY:

      There was a generous area of disagreement between the sexy young widow and
      a bachelor friend she said had sired the latest addition to her brood. So
      they took their problem to court. "Did you sleep with this woman?" asked
      the judge. To which our hero replied, sincerely, "Not a wink, your honor.
      Not a wink." (Playboy)

      Eating Mexican food is not the cause of gonorrhea. (Curly David)

      How many fags does it take to rape a girl?
      Two; one holds her down while the other does her hair. (My Stacy).

      Why do women like to play Pac-man?
      Because they can get eaten three minutes for a quarter. (Curt Dayton)

      What is a diaphragm?
      A figure in geometry. (Richard Lederer)

      Can you get pregnant from anal sex?
      Of course. That’s where lawyers come from. (Archives)

      The pretty teacher is concerned about one of her eleven-year-old students.
      Taking him aside after class one day, she asks, "Johnny, why has your
      schoolwork been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," the boy sighs. Holding back
      an urge to smile, the teacher asks, "With whom?" "With you," he admits with
      a blush. "But Johnny," she says gently, "don't you see how silly this is?
      It's true that I would like a husband of my own one day, but I don't want a
      child." "Oh, don't worry, teacher," the boy replies reassuringly. "I'll use
      a condom." (Richard Lederer)

      Why were Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
      She was withholding evidence (Judy’s Jokes)

      What do the vacuum "dirt devil" and Viagra have in common?
      They both put the power of an upright in the palm of your hand. (Curly David)

      My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading. (Emo
      Philips)
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