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Puns of the Day: 04-01=03

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  • Stan Kegel
    Due to circumstances beyond our control, there will not be an issue of “Puns of the Day” today. Instead we bring you this important NEWS bulletin: A P R I
    Message 1 of 1 , Apr 1, 2003
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      Due to circumstances beyond our control, there will not be an issue of
      “Puns of the Day” today. Instead we bring you this important NEWS bulletin:















      A P R I L F O O L















      PUNS OF THE DAY: 04-01-03 Happy April Fool’s Day

      IN THE NEWS

      Ah, the French. They've given us great literature, fine wine … and April
      Fools' Day. (Buck Wolf)

      Two Iranians meet in California. One starts to greet the other in Farsi,
      ˜the language of their native country.The other Iranian waved him away
      contemptuously and said, "We're in America now. Speak Spanish!" (Brainfood)

      What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
      They both want to know where the heck those Tomahawks are coming from!
      (Tony Thoennes)

      Britney Spears recently hosted a nipple piercing party and they say
      these parties are all the rage now. Really? How popular can they become?
      You can only go to them twice. (Jay Leno)

      In WWII it took the Germans a month to defeat France, and that was
      because it was raining. (Bob Sachae)

      Prince Charles recovers from hernia surgery. Doctors recommend that he
      do nothing for several weeks. In other words, follow his normal routine.
      (Alan Ray)

      HOLIDAY PUNS

      Today being April 1, I phoned the local zoo and said, “I'd like to speak
      to the king of the jungle." The operator answered immediately, "I'm very
      sorry, but the lion is busy." (Stan Kegel)

      As the prices go up and up at the pump, motorists are rushing to fill up
      before they need to take out a second mortgage to do so. The occasion is
      called, of course, April Fuels Day. (Cynthia MacGregor)

      Why are infantry soldiers so tired on April 1st?
      Because they have just finished a thirty-one day March. (Stan Kegel)

      JEST FOR KIDS

      What is a cat's favorite subject?
      Meow-sic! (Brooke, 13)

      How does a fairy tale get to an island?
      It takes a ferry. (Syman Hirsch)

      What kind of clothes do cows wear?
      They always wear Jerseys..(David Youngs)

      What's the difference between a running man and a running dog?
      One wears trousers and the other pants. (Kid's Jokes)

      What reads and lives in an apple?
      A bookworm! (Gilbert Dunk)

      :What do you call a flying skunk?
      A smell-icopter.(Garrett, 9)

      "I just got kicked out of chef school. They said I gave them the oldest
      excuse in the book, and all I did was tell the truth." "What did you
      say?" "I told them the dog ate my homework." (Catherine Shoemaker)

      Knock, knock.
      Who's there?
      Aardvark.
      Aardvark who?
      Aardvark a million miles for one of your smiles. (Lederer & Ertner)

      Doctor, Doctor I feel like a bee.
      Well buzz off I'm busy! (Stan Kegel)

      At shearing time in the barnyard there are some sheep thrills. When the
      cow climbs a hill, the cream goes to the top. Most farmers will show you
      a lot of horsepitality. You might even be given free rein. Of course
      goats are the butt of many jokes, but chickens could put you in a fowl
      mood. Old farmers never die, they just have a dozen aches.(Mike Bull)

      RIDDLES

      What Shakespearean play deals with the dishonoring of a faithful wife?
      The Shaming of the True (Stan Kegel)

      What do you call a ruler who has lost his power?
      An Impotentate (alternate - A fallen tsar) (Clynch Varnadore)

      What do you get when you cross a canary with a mole?
      A miner bird (Archives)

      COMICS

      Vote now! Pay Later! (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

      ONE-LINERS:

      In 1890 Cooking Oil was first bottled, … on a Fryday. (Daryl Stout)

      IIf you stumble over a good price for a vacation, you will have quite a
      trip. (Pun of the Day)

      The waiter at the White House raves about his job: "I love to set a
      president." (Joey Adams)

      She beat him to the garden by pre-seeding him. (Pun of the Day)

      News of a coming flood was leaked. (Mike Bull)

      She rejected his pass in a wink (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

      Being English I insisted on a red indian -- er, native American bladder
      for the transplant. It had to know about Tea Pee. (Joseph Harris)

      Dry Cleaners: Thirty-seven years on the same spot. (Syman Hirsch)

      Abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers. (Renee from Napa)

      The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served
      us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
      (Calvin Trillin)

      She was so blonde that she tripped over a cordless phone. (Kevin Reyner)

      The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours. (Sniggers)

      A radio newscaster had his hair in a short wave, but many news editors
      have their Times in the Sun. (Mike Bull)

      I doubt, therefore I might be. (Lowell D. Streiker)

      GROANERS:

      When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip
      to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his
      disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the
      American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his
      experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded.
      "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and asked,
      'Jose, can you see?'" (Bob Sachee)

      A recent Honors Graduate of Harvard University's Geology Department had
      the good fortune to be posted to the Hawaiian Volcano Observatory just
      as a new eruption started. As the noise intensified, his only comment
      was "Magma come louder!" (Alan B. Combs)

      When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du
      jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what
      is this?" "Why, it's bean soup," she replied. "I don't care what it has
      been," he sputtered. "What is it now?" (Pastor Tim)

      So few people know the Bible nowadays. I was standing downtown waiting
      on a bus. It was raining cats and dogs. A lady was standing next to me
      so I tried to be friendly and make conversation. 'If it keeps it up,
      we'll all have to buy an ark," I said. "What's an ark?" she asked. 'You
      mean you haven't heard about Noah and the great flood and all those
      animals?" I asked incredulously. "Look, mister," she replied, "I've only
      been in town for four days. I've scarcely had time to read a paper."
      (Kevin Rayner)

      There were two old men, one a retired professor of psychology, and the
      other a retired professor of history. Their wives had talked them into a
      two week stay at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting around on
      the porch of the hotel watching the sun set. The history professor said
      to the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?" To which the
      professor of psychology said, "Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs!"
      (Marsha Coleman)

      DEFINITIONS:

      Hypotenuse: Cooking with a Double Boiler (Dennis Hammes)

      Playground: The main ingredient in mudpies (Stan Kegel)

      Politburo: A well-mannered jackass. (Lederer & Ertner)

      Placate?- Iniviting Catherine to the theate (Ken Pinkham)

      Abundance: A baker's party. (Joseph Leff}

      POETRY

      The grass I two months ago sowed
      I can't believe how fast it's growed
      I hear my spouse say,
      "Please cut it today."
      I would, but I ain't in that mowed
      (Gary Hallock)

      TOM SWIFTIES:

      "I'm sorry. Your injured limb will have to be amputated," Dr. Tom said
      disarmingly. (Pun American News)

      BLOOPERS, SIGNS AND HEADLINES :

      Commercial: "So remember these remarkable statistics, and remember
      Crest, for the family that wants pure cavities!" (Kermit Schafer)

      The Saturday Evening Post ran an article written by the wife of a
      billiards professional. She told how part of her job as her husband's
      assistant was to make sure that the billiard balls were exactly at room
      temperature. The subheadline appeared as SHE KEEPS HIS BALLS WARM.
      (Richard Lederer)

      Personal Ad: Lawyer will read will tomorrow at residence of P. Smith,
      who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives. ~~Teaneck, NJ paper
      (Beckie Shiles)

      FOR ADULTS ONLY:

      What's the worst thing a bride can say on her wedding night?
      "I'm glad I didn't throw my vibrator away." (William Brabant)

      What's the worst thing you can say to a man who complains that his wife
      is frigid?
      "No, she isn't!" (Daily Groaner)

      An aging woman in bed with her even more aging husband turns to him
      and says, "I'd like to do it tonight, but I'm afraid my back might peter
      out." He answers, "So would I, but I'm afraid my peter might back out."
      (Richard Lederer)

      When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
      Make him bark(Paul Lynde)

      A worried father confronted his blonde daughter one night. I don't like
      that new boyfriend, he's rough and common, and bloody stupid with it."
      "Oh, no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've
      only been going out 9 weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to
      get once a month." (Joke Master)

      Some girls think it's fun to fight against being kissed, while others
      prefer to just take it lying down. (Playboy)

      The Mother Superior, as is her custom, interviews all of her young
      ladies about their plans for life after leaving the convent school. One
      announces that she hopes to become a nurse, another a teacher, and a
      third, hearing the call, has decided to stay on as a novice in the
      convent. "And you?" asks the Mother Superior to the pretty girl who has
      remained silent. "Oh, I want to become a prostitute, Mother Beatrice."
      "What? You must be crazy! What did you say?" "I said I want to be a
      prostitute." "Oh, mother of Mary, thank the Lord. I thought you said you
      wanted to be a Protestant!" (Richard Lederer)

      What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
      A cock that stays up all night. (Joker’s Wild)
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