Puns of the Day: 04-01=03
- Due to circumstances beyond our control, there will not be an issue of
“Puns of the Day” today. Instead we bring you this important NEWS bulletin:
A P R I L F O O L
PUNS OF THE DAY: 04-01-03 Happy April Fool’s Day
IN THE NEWS
Ah, the French. They've given us great literature, fine wine … and April
Fools' Day. (Buck Wolf)
Two Iranians meet in California. One starts to greet the other in Farsi,
˜the language of their native country.The other Iranian waved him away
contemptuously and said, "We're in America now. Speak Spanish!" (Brainfood)
What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
They both want to know where the heck those Tomahawks are coming from!
Britney Spears recently hosted a nipple piercing party and they say
these parties are all the rage now. Really? How popular can they become?
You can only go to them twice. (Jay Leno)
In WWII it took the Germans a month to defeat France, and that was
because it was raining. (Bob Sachae)
Prince Charles recovers from hernia surgery. Doctors recommend that he
do nothing for several weeks. In other words, follow his normal routine.
Today being April 1, I phoned the local zoo and said, “I'd like to speak
to the king of the jungle." The operator answered immediately, "I'm very
sorry, but the lion is busy." (Stan Kegel)
As the prices go up and up at the pump, motorists are rushing to fill up
before they need to take out a second mortgage to do so. The occasion is
called, of course, April Fuels Day. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Why are infantry soldiers so tired on April 1st?
Because they have just finished a thirty-one day March. (Stan Kegel)
JEST FOR KIDS
What is a cat's favorite subject?
Meow-sic! (Brooke, 13)
How does a fairy tale get to an island?
It takes a ferry. (Syman Hirsch)
What kind of clothes do cows wear?
They always wear Jerseys..(David Youngs)
What's the difference between a running man and a running dog?
One wears trousers and the other pants. (Kid's Jokes)
What reads and lives in an apple?
A bookworm! (Gilbert Dunk)
:What do you call a flying skunk?
A smell-icopter.(Garrett, 9)
"I just got kicked out of chef school. They said I gave them the oldest
excuse in the book, and all I did was tell the truth." "What did you
say?" "I told them the dog ate my homework." (Catherine Shoemaker)
Aardvark a million miles for one of your smiles. (Lederer & Ertner)
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a bee.
Well buzz off I'm busy! (Stan Kegel)
At shearing time in the barnyard there are some sheep thrills. When the
cow climbs a hill, the cream goes to the top. Most farmers will show you
a lot of horsepitality. You might even be given free rein. Of course
goats are the butt of many jokes, but chickens could put you in a fowl
mood. Old farmers never die, they just have a dozen aches.(Mike Bull)
What Shakespearean play deals with the dishonoring of a faithful wife?
The Shaming of the True (Stan Kegel)
What do you call a ruler who has lost his power?
An Impotentate (alternate - A fallen tsar) (Clynch Varnadore)
What do you get when you cross a canary with a mole?
A miner bird (Archives)
Vote now! Pay Later! (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
In 1890 Cooking Oil was first bottled, … on a Fryday. (Daryl Stout)
IIf you stumble over a good price for a vacation, you will have quite a
trip. (Pun of the Day)
The waiter at the White House raves about his job: "I love to set a
president." (Joey Adams)
She beat him to the garden by pre-seeding him. (Pun of the Day)
News of a coming flood was leaked. (Mike Bull)
She rejected his pass in a wink (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
Being English I insisted on a red indian -- er, native American bladder
for the transplant. It had to know about Tea Pee. (Joseph Harris)
Dry Cleaners: Thirty-seven years on the same spot. (Syman Hirsch)
Abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers. (Renee from Napa)
The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served
us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
She was so blonde that she tripped over a cordless phone. (Kevin Reyner)
The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours. (Sniggers)
A radio newscaster had his hair in a short wave, but many news editors
have their Times in the Sun. (Mike Bull)
I doubt, therefore I might be. (Lowell D. Streiker)
When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip
to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his
disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the
American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his
experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded.
"Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and asked,
'Jose, can you see?'" (Bob Sachee)
A recent Honors Graduate of Harvard University's Geology Department had
the good fortune to be posted to the Hawaiian Volcano Observatory just
as a new eruption started. As the noise intensified, his only comment
was "Magma come louder!" (Alan B. Combs)
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du
jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what
is this?" "Why, it's bean soup," she replied. "I don't care what it has
been," he sputtered. "What is it now?" (Pastor Tim)
So few people know the Bible nowadays. I was standing downtown waiting
on a bus. It was raining cats and dogs. A lady was standing next to me
so I tried to be friendly and make conversation. 'If it keeps it up,
we'll all have to buy an ark," I said. "What's an ark?" she asked. 'You
mean you haven't heard about Noah and the great flood and all those
animals?" I asked incredulously. "Look, mister," she replied, "I've only
been in town for four days. I've scarcely had time to read a paper."
There were two old men, one a retired professor of psychology, and the
other a retired professor of history. Their wives had talked them into a
two week stay at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting around on
the porch of the hotel watching the sun set. The history professor said
to the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?" To which the
professor of psychology said, "Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs!"
Hypotenuse: Cooking with a Double Boiler (Dennis Hammes)
Playground: The main ingredient in mudpies (Stan Kegel)
Politburo: A well-mannered jackass. (Lederer & Ertner)
Placate?- Iniviting Catherine to the theate (Ken Pinkham)
Abundance: A baker's party. (Joseph Leff}
The grass I two months ago sowed
I can't believe how fast it's growed
I hear my spouse say,
"Please cut it today."
I would, but I ain't in that mowed
"I'm sorry. Your injured limb will have to be amputated," Dr. Tom said
disarmingly. (Pun American News)
BLOOPERS, SIGNS AND HEADLINES :
Commercial: "So remember these remarkable statistics, and remember
Crest, for the family that wants pure cavities!" (Kermit Schafer)
The Saturday Evening Post ran an article written by the wife of a
billiards professional. She told how part of her job as her husband's
assistant was to make sure that the billiard balls were exactly at room
temperature. The subheadline appeared as SHE KEEPS HIS BALLS WARM.
Personal Ad: Lawyer will read will tomorrow at residence of P. Smith,
who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives. ~~Teaneck, NJ paper
FOR ADULTS ONLY:
What's the worst thing a bride can say on her wedding night?
"I'm glad I didn't throw my vibrator away." (William Brabant)
What's the worst thing you can say to a man who complains that his wife
"No, she isn't!" (Daily Groaner)
An aging woman in bed with her even more aging husband turns to him
and says, "I'd like to do it tonight, but I'm afraid my back might peter
out." He answers, "So would I, but I'm afraid my peter might back out."
When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Make him bark(Paul Lynde)
A worried father confronted his blonde daughter one night. I don't like
that new boyfriend, he's rough and common, and bloody stupid with it."
"Oh, no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've
only been going out 9 weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to
get once a month." (Joke Master)
Some girls think it's fun to fight against being kissed, while others
prefer to just take it lying down. (Playboy)
The Mother Superior, as is her custom, interviews all of her young
ladies about their plans for life after leaving the convent school. One
announces that she hopes to become a nurse, another a teacher, and a
third, hearing the call, has decided to stay on as a novice in the
convent. "And you?" asks the Mother Superior to the pretty girl who has
remained silent. "Oh, I want to become a prostitute, Mother Beatrice."
"What? You must be crazy! What did you say?" "I said I want to be a
prostitute." "Oh, mother of Mary, thank the Lord. I thought you said you
wanted to be a Protestant!" (Richard Lederer)
What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A cock that stays up all night. (Joker’s Wild)