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Puns of the Day: 03-03-03

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  • Stan Kegel
    PUNS OF THE DAY: 03-03-03 Happy Read Across America Day. IN THE NEWS If Tuesday Weld married Fredric March s grandson she d be Tuesday March the Third. If I
    Message 1 of 1 , Mar 3, 2003
      PUNS OF THE DAY: 03-03-03
      Happy Read Across America Day.

      IN THE NEWS

      If Tuesday Weld married Fredric March's grandson she'd be Tuesday March
      the Third.

      If I die, I'd like to come back as Hans Blix's son. You'd never be in
      any trouble. Any effort would be good enough. Grades would never be bad
      enough to get you in any trouble. It would be great. (Brit Hume)

      The U.S. government denied Thursday that its new airline passenger
      screening system employs racial profiling. It decides whether each
      passenger is a red, yellow or green risk. You had better not be in any
      hurry if you are Indian, Asian or airsick. (Argus Hamilton)

      The family debate over what to do with Ted Williams continues. The
      youngest son reminds a lot of people of his dad. In other words, he's a
      chip off the old block. (Alan Ray)

      HOLIDAY PUNS

      One dark night, as a group of American tourists huddled in Nelly's, a
      well-known pub in Killarney, Ireland, a local Irishman sidled up to one
      of them and proposed a scheme to sell a cure for leprosy. "I'm sorry,"
      said the American stiffly, "I'm not Irish. I don't believe in leper cons."

      JEST FOR KIDS

      Did the chicken cross the road?
      Did she cross it with a toad?
      Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
      But why she crossed it, I’ve not been told.

      What’s the difference between a well-dressed man and a tired dog?
      The man wears a suit and the dog just pants. (Lederer & Ertner)

      Why did the gardener throw roses into the burning building?
      He heard that flowers grew better in hothouses. (Kid's Jokes)

      If you dropped a letter in the mud, what would you call it?
      Blackmail (Mighty Funnies)

      I've desided to write a work of fiction.
      That's a Novel idea (Corny Puns)

      Why did the nutty kid throw butter out of the window?
      He wanted to see a butterfly. (Eileen, 9)

      Which nut sounds like a sneeze?
      A cashew! (Penny, 10)

      What is a snake's favorite subject?
      Hissstory! (Danielle, 11)

      What music do rabbits listen to?
      Hip Hop! (Chris, 10)

      What do you call a wagon wheel maker?
      A spokesperson (Alice, 13)

      Why did the dinosaur outlive the dragon?
      The dinosaur didn’t smoke (Johnelsha, 10)

      What did zero say to eight?
      Nice belt. (LOL Riddles)

      RIDDLES

      What apartment number does a person who can predict the future live in?
      APARTMENT 4-C (Gary Hallack)

      Noah built the ark three stories high. The top story had a skylight. How
      did they illuminate the bottom two stories?
      With flood lights (or Ark lights) (Stan Kegel)

      COMICS

      “Ernie, What personality type are you?” “I am an insomniac agnostic
      egoist. I lie awake trying to figure out whether or not I believe that I
      am as great as I am.” (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)

      Lower your debts. Microfilm your bills. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

      “Why do they dub him ‘Lord of the Rings’?”
      “He’s been married 11 times.” (Reality Check: Dave Whamond)

      Our last quarter losses were so high, we now qualify as a non-profit
      organization (Working Daze: Noel & Zakour)

      Nobody forgets where the hatchet is buried. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

      ONE-LINERS:

      When the stock market goes down, it's a good time to acquire stocks. Liz
      and her friend Laura always take advantage of such opportunities. They
      figure it's a Buy Cycle Built for Two. (Cynthia MacGregor)

      It may sound strange that Socrates was born in 470 and died in 399, but
      everybody in those days lived backwards. (Art Linkletter)

      A girl can be poor on history but great on dates. (Playboy)

      Have you ever thought of occupational collective nouns? For example: A
      spade of morticians; A barrel of nudists. (The International Save the
      Pun Foundation)

      When the sleeping worker was fired, he lost his position (Jumble0

      There was a sign at a music store that said 'hear here' (Pun of the Day)

      Laundry owners held a convention. They sat on bleachers. (Daryl Stout)

      Some people go into martial arts just for kicks. (Pun of the Day)

      A blind date can turn out to be an eyeful (Jumble)

      A Zen master once said to me "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you."
      So I didn't. (Renee from Napa)

      A guy bought a skipping rope because his doctor prescribed pills for
      two days running and then skip a day (Pun of the Day)

      I wouldn't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come
      up sliced. (Carol’s Humor)

      When somebody tells me to restrain myself, does that me I have to strain
      twice? (Marina)

      GROANERS:

      A man was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring. He went
      in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that
      said 'NIL.' White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting
      hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness. The man turned to
      a white-robed observer beside him and asked, "Is Nothing Sacred? (Stan Kegel)

      The restaurateur was penny-pinching and saved the leftover soup du jour
      at the end of every night and froze it. He called the Sunday special
      "?Quien sabe?" which is Spanish for "who knows?" When people asked him
      what went into it, he'd grin mysteriously and reply, "A soupcon of this,
      a soup's on of that."(Cynthia MacGregor)

      Last week I had one of those bittersweet visits to the dentist -- bitter
      because there is more than a little trauma and cost involved, and sweet
      because the need that drove me to the office in the first place would
      finally go away. As is their custom, the dentist and support person
      carried on a running patter for the purpose of entertainment and
      distraction for the patient. Right before I could talk again, they got
      into a silly discussion of whether it is more proper to refer to the
      cuspids as "he" or "she". When finally I could join the discussion, I
      said it really doesn't matter very much, since many of those cuspids are
      already "bi-". (Alan B. Combs)

      Very extravigant claims about a new brand of bread were made on a huge
      banner towed along behind an aeroplane. When people tried the bread they
      all agreed: "Beware of Loaf Lying Aircraft!" (Johann von Haupkopf)

      Last year I replaced several windows in my house. They were the
      expensive double-insulated energy efficient windows. This week I got a
      call from the contractor complaining that the work has been done for a
      year and I had failed to pay for them. Boy, oh boy, did we go round and
      round. I told him no one pulls a fast one on this old' lady. Even though
      I am a senior citizen and used to be a blonde, doesn't mean that I am
      automatically stupid! I proceeded to tell him just what his salesman
      told me last year: " In one year they will pay for themselves."
      (Lorraine Harper)

      DEFINITIONS:

      Adverse: A commercial in rhyme (Stan Kegel)

      Algebra: Undergarment worn by mermaids. (Joseph Leff)

      Cabal: Transport everybody by taxi. (Sandy Sibert)

      Enema: Saddam is an enema of the State. (Suuzzee)

      Isolate: Rabbit's exclamation from Alice in Wonderland. (Paul Dickson)

      Sympathy: That which one woman offers another in exchange for the
      details. (Playboy)

      POETRY

      One thing that I find quite regrettable
      When eating my lunch on the run
      Is that I'll consider stuff edible
      Because it is sold in a bun
      I think that it is just incredible
      The crap that they pack there inside it
      It's s'posed to be cow, but we're fed a bull
      And they use the bun just to hide it
      (Gary Hallock)

      TOM SWIFTIES:

      "We'll need a higher price at auction," Tom said, morbidly. (PunAmerican News)

      "But I've always lived just west of England," he wailed. (Paul Dickson)

      BLOOPERS, SIGNS AND HEADLINES :

      Auto Repair Service. Free pick up and delivery. Try us once, you'll
      never go anywhere again. (Ms. Kitty)

      JUDGE PRESSES JACKSON'S SUIT (Richard Lederer)

      LOCAL NEWS: "The Girl Scouts in this area are planning to form a Little
      Mothers Club much like the already formed Little Fathers Club headed by
      their scout master. All Girl Scouts interested in becoming 'little
      mothers' are to meet with the Boy Scout Master in the high school gym
      after this meeting."(Kermit Schafer)

      FOR ADULTS ONLY:

      A woman goes to a hardware store and buys a hinge for a door. "Wanna
      screw for it?" asks the salesman. "No, but I'll blow you for a
      doorknob." (Richard Lederer)

      Many a man who thinks he's going on a maiden voyage with a girl finds
      out later from her lawyer that it was a shakedown cruise. (Playboy)

      Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
      The rest are hunt'n peckers. (Colorado Kid)

      This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining
      her he says "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to
      drill that tooth." The woman then says "Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have a
      baby!" To which the dentist replies "Make up your mind, I have to adjust
      the chair." (Thieving Joker)

      .man who lose key to girlfriend apartment, get no new-key! (Dr. Harpo)


      What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
      Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.(Sea Girl)

      What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
      Toys for Twats. (Terry Galen)

      .Arriving home unexpectedly early from a business trip, the tired
      executive was shocked to discover his wife in bed with his next-door
      neighbor. "Since you are in bed with my wife," the furious man shouted,
      "I'm going over and sleep with yours!" "Go right ahead," was the reply.
      "The rest will do you good." (Jill’s Joke Line)

      Politically Correct Terms: She’s not a whore, she’s a testicle drainage
      technician. (J. Bullette)

      Why do women like to play pac-man so much?
      They get eaten 3 times for a quarter! (Curly David)

      A friend went to see the movie "American Beauty" and was quite bothered
      by some scenes, in particular a masturbation scene. Discussing the movie
      with her husband later, she said, "I'm sorry, but I find masturbation in
      a movie to be really offensive." Her husband sighed and said, "All
      right, I'll stop doing it." (LAB Laughs)
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