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Puns of the Day: 02-03-03

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  • Stan Kegel
    PUNS OF THE DAY: 02-03-03 Happy Groundhog Day HOLIDAY PUNS The pork producers are advocating their sausage as the official meat on February 2nd for Ground Hog
    Message 1 of 1 , Feb 3, 2003
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      PUNS OF THE DAY: 02-03-03 Happy Groundhog Day

      HOLIDAY PUNS

      The pork producers are advocating their sausage as the official meat on
      February 2nd for Ground Hog Day. (The International Save the Pun
      Foundation)

      JEST FOR KIDS

      What happened when the cross-eyed dog chased a squirrel in the woods?
      It barked up the wrong tree. (Lederer & Ertner)

      Why did the pretty school teacher marry the janitor?
      Because he swept her off her feet. (Kid's Jokes)

      Patient: "Doctor, Doctor. I can't keep from stealing things,"
      Doctor: "Take a seat." (Brandon, 11)

      What did the woman who was sawed-in-half in the late afternoon say to
      the magician?
      Can you join me for dinner? (Archives)

      Why did you sit on your watch?
      I wanted to be on time. (John G. Steen)

      What is the opposite of ice cream?
      “You whisper” (Juliet, 7 & Skye, 5)

      What do they do with a tree after they chop it down?
      Chop it up. (Jeanette, 7)

      What do you give a pig with a rash?
      Oinkment! (Monica, 9 )

      What kind of monkey flies to school?
      A hot air baboon. (Erica, 8)

      How was the Mississippi riverboat gambler able to fill out his royalflush?
      He was Delta Queen (Daily Groaner)

      What do you call a fly with no wings?
      A walk! (Nikki, 10 )

      Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud.
      Yes sir, it's fresh ground. (Jokes Galore)

      A boy was complaining that his bicycle tire was flat. "Why don't you
      pump it up?" said his father. So the boy attaches a pump and begins
      filling the tire, then stops. "I just can't do it," says the boy. "I
      can't stand the pressure.!" (Archives)

      RIDDLES

      Bank founded by Puritans in New York City?
      Chaste Manhattan. (Brad McCormick)

      What did Holmes tell his sidekick upon discovering a tree producing sour fruit?
      A Lemon Tree, My Dear Watson (Cynch Vernadore)

      Did you hear about the dyslexic devil-worshipper?
      He sold his soul to Santa! (Jokes Galore)

      COMICS

      I think he wants me for a troubleshooter! He told me whenever there’s a
      problem around here, he always looks for me. (Frank & Ernest: Bob
      Thaves)

      If you want my opinion, I think people should keep their opinions to
      themselves. (Opinions)

      Detective Bob searched the entire house for evidence. He walked into the
      kitchen and found a bowl of strawberry ice cream. Detective Bob plunged
      both hands into the ice cream splashing the ice cream everywhere, What
      in the world are you doing?” asked Senior Inspector Dave. “Looking for
      evidence,” replied Bob. “You idiot!” yelled the senior inspector.
      “That’s just ice cream. You’re wasting your time looking in there.” “Why
      is that?” asked Bob. “Because the proof is in the pudding, Bob.” (Pearls
      Before Swine: Stephan Pastis)

      Remember when a depression was a dent in your car fender? (Graffiti:
      Gene Mora)

      ONE-LINERS:

      The doctor fell in the well and broke his collarbone. Which proves that
      doctors should tend the sick and leave the well alone. (Archives)

      Sign in a drug rehab hospital: PLEASE KEEP OFF THE GRASS (The
      International Save the Pun Foundation)

      My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her
      mental pause. (Bambi)

      There was a firefighter who kept going back to college and finally got
      third degree burnout. So he took time out and organized firefighter
      contests. They were called matches. (Mike Bull)

      My wife's dog won't bark until you tweak its tail. She has to Cocker
      Spaniel. (J. A. Mc.)

      Another Corporate Merger: Federal Express and UPS will become Fed Up. (Gag-O-Matic)

      Some students concentrate lesson history and moron themselves. (Pun of
      the Day)

      Due to the lazy nature of disposable pens, I constantly find myself — in
      all places and at all times — saying to my ink-filled employees, "You,
      Bic. Quit us! (The Big Pun)

      Dad got the bugs out of his new pest sprayer. (Jumble)

      Travelling on a flying carpet is a rugged experience (Pun of the Day)

      A noted sculptor celebrated his birthday, and everyone chipped in for a
      gift. (Daryl Stout)

      Wooden sculpture honoring journalist Connie: Chung in teak (xworder)

      One of my friends got me a novelty card deck that had pictures of nude
      models on the backs, but my wife said she just couldn't deal with it.
      (David Reihmer)

      GROANERS:

      A Buddhist gentleman was in the habit of leaving a bit of food on an
      altar each morning before departing for work. One morning he had lefta
      freshly fried egg roll. Before he left the house, he noticed that the
      tidbit had disappeared. When he questioned his house boy about the
      matter, the house boy with guilt replied, "I know its only wokkened
      roll, Buddha lack it." (Archives)

      Scientists at MIT have reportedly announced that they have discovered a
      new species of weevil that feeds solely on the cotton fibers in men's
      shorts. The researchers have no idea where the species originated, and
      are appealing to the general public, as well as the rest of the
      scientific community for any information that would help identify the
      insect. They are anxious to identify what weevil lurks in the shorts of
      men. (Jeff Klayman)

      Husband arriving home with an enormous dog to indignant wife who is
      surrounded by 3 small children: "But I did consult you -- you said a
      Great Dane was the last thing we needed around here." (LOL Lewd Lines)

      A Russian cosmonaut has an emergency during his reentry into earth's
      atmosphere and his space craft crash lands in the Australian bush, way
      out in the middle of nowhere. After what seems like an eternity, he
      wakes up in a bush hospital clinic, very rustic, dirty, with foul smells
      and he is really bandaged from head to foot. He sees a very large,
      somewhat gruff looking nurse approaching him as he lay in his cot. "Did
      I come here to die?" he says with a deep sense of resignation and fear.
      "No," the Aussie nurse replies, "You came here yesterdie. (Nekia)

      A little girl from Minneapolis came home from Sunday school with a frown
      on her face. "I'm not going back there anymore," she announced with
      finality. "I don't like the Bible they keep teaching us." "Why not?"
      asked her astonished mother. "Because," said the little girl, "that
      Bible is always talking about St. Paul, and it never once mentions
      Minneapolis." (Sue Bee)

      DEFINITIONS:

      Financial Planner: A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs
      to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes. (archives)

      Bachelor: One who's foot-loose and fiancee free; (Playboy)

      Emergency: On February 2nd the groundhog emergency his shadow. (Bobsey)

      Budget: What you can't do to a politicians mind after he's made it up.
      (Gary Hallock)

      Reverse: To back up to the last chorus and sing again. (Bob Car)

      POETRY

      A schizophrenic
      And a most pious priest both
      Have altar egos
      (Gary Hallock)

      The prideful tern
      About to be a mother,
      Reflects that two good terns
      Deserve another. (Clifton Fadiman)

      TOM SWIFTIES:

      "That's the third time I've changed his grade," Tom's teacher remarked.
      (Gil Krebs)

      "I won't stick my arm in a lions mouth again," Tom said offhandedly.
      (Lederer & Ertner)

      BLOOPERS, SIGNS AND HEADLINES :

      WHY YOU WANT SEX CHANGES WITH AGE (Richard Lederer)

      n a Dayton barbershop: During vacation of owner, a competent hair
      stylist will be here (MeMail)

      I refuse to answer on the grounds it may incinerate me. (Richard Lederer)

      Lorraine Kelly on GMTV: "This year's hairstyle is called a shag, and our
      resident stylist is here to give our model one." (Able 2 Laugh)

      The dean of women at a large Midwestern university recently began a
      speech to the student body with these memorable words: "The president of
      the university and I have decided to stop petting on campus." (Playboy)

      BAR TRYING TO HELP ALCOHOLIC LAWYERS (Tony Thoennes)

      FOR ADULTS ONLY:

      Did you hear that 35% of all gay men were born that way?
      The rest got sucked into it. (Goatboy)

      Jon was talking to Al. "So, Al, how's it going with the ladies?" "Women,
      to me, are nothing but sex objects." "Really?" "Yep," Al shook his head,
      "Whenever I mention sex, they object." (Nekia)

      Three Swedish men visited Copenhagen and decided to go to a bordello.
      They knocked on the door and the Madame opened. Madame: What do you
      want? Swedes: We want to come in. We are Swedish. Madame: How much money
      are you willing to spend here? Swedes: We have altogether 250 crones.
      Madame: 250 crones!! For that price you can fuck each other! After
      saying this the Madame slammed the door shut. After about 15 minutes the
      same 3 Swedish guys knocked on the door again. Madame: Well, what do you
      want now? Swedes: Where can we pay? (Jokenite)

      What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
      A cherry float. (JerLyn F.)

      My university includes a large hospitality and catering department which
      used to be the National College of Baking. I conjectured that prolonged
      exposure to flour dust could well cause glaucoma and planned to publish
      a paper on it: "Master Baking Makes you Blind." (David Singmaster)

      A frigid female golf pro is an unpliable lay. (Richard Lederer)

      A used-car dealer of our acquaintance informs us that, to cope with the
      cynical attitudes of present-day buyers, the little old lady who drove
      only on Sundays has been replaced in the standard sales pitch by a
      nymphomaniac who only used the back seat.. (Playboy)

      Man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead. (Archives)

      What do you call an eighty year old impotent sailor?
      A salt with a dead weapon. (D. A. Funk)

      "How the hell should 1 know!" shrieks the husband into the phone. "Why
      don't you call the Weather Bureau?" "Who's that on the phone?" asks his
      wife. "1 don't know. Just some damn fool wanting to know if the coast is
      clear." (Richard Lederer)
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