Puns of the Day: 1-1-03
- PUNS OF THE DAY: 01-01-03 Happy New Year
Once a year, the collectors of antique tents in Germany get together for
a rally. Last year, the organizers decided to hold it in Meinz.
Unfortunately, the local burghers took a dim view of so great an influx
of tourists ruining their turf with tent pegs. The citizens organized
themselves so thoroughly that they even had an anthem: "Let Old and
Quaint Tents Be Forgot and Never Brought to Meinz!" (Whimsical Wits)
Did you hear what the dyslexic Highway Patrolman did on New Year's?
He spent the whole night handing out I.U.D.'s (Lee Hogan)
Workers in a furniture refinishing plant were geting a rash on their
hind parts. It seems that they were using a solution that they carried
in their hip pockets to shine the exterior layer of fine wood they were
applying to their products,and this was causing the problem. What was
Veneer Rear Oil Disease. (Gary Reeves)
When playing poker with a poet, why are you likely to receive your cards face-up?
Hes used to dealing inverse (Gary Hallock)
How should you greet a German barber?
"Herr Dresser." (Bob Phillips)
What do you get when you cross a cow with a mule?
Milk with a real kick to it. (Lederer & Ertner)
Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?
They're always bitter. (LOL)
JEST FOR KIDS
What does a car say when it gets parked in a tight space?
That was tiring (Matthew, 7)
What do you get when you cross a pointer with a setter?
A poinsettia. (Lederer & Ertner)
What kind of dress do you have but never wear?
Your address. (Bob Phillips)
Who never gets his hair wet in the shower?
A bald man. (Kid's Jokes)
What do you call an outlaw who has cotten in his ears?
Anything you want, he can't hear you. (Daily Groaner)
How do you kill a herd of elephants with just one can of pink paint?
You paint one elephant, he'll die of embarrassment and all the others
will die laughing. (Daily Groaner)
How do mountains hear?
With mountaineers. (Dave, 10)
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me
One at a time please (Stan Kegel)
Where do wizards go to test their skill?
Spelling bees! (Elizabeth, 11)
What do you give a sick bird?
Tweetment (Dorian, 11)
Where should a 500 pound alien go?
On a diet (Brandon)
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled Milk (Sarah)
He ate so much over the holidays that he decided to quit cold turkey.
(Pun of the Day)
You should be true to your teeth, or they will be false to you (Pun of
You should trim your fingernails before they get out of hand? (Pun of
Good police officers never miss a beat. (Pun of the Day)
There was one lingerie thief that gave an officer the slip. (Pun of the Day)
Police dogs are often the scenter of a drug arrest. (Pun of the Day)
Paid overtime for police is known as the copper nitrate -- if it is
warranted. (Pun of the Day)
When he lost the lambs, the herders helper felt sheepish. (Jumble)
While loitering on MIT property, a security guard came over to me and
said, "I know your type. You travel from college to college, trespassing
and finding the limits of functions by taking the derivatives of
numerators over the derivatives of denominators." To this I responded,
"OfficerI swearI dont inter LíHôpital."" (The Big Pun)
What do you call money for the pay toilet?
Johnny Cash. (Very Punny)
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left. (E4Fun)
Night Watchmen never work a day in their lives, (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
If they cloned Cher - would she then be known as Cher and Cher alike?
Did you hear about the new restaurant chain opening nationwide? It is a
partnership between Kareem Abdul Jabarr, Ryan Coffee, and Sugar Ray
Leonard. They're going to call it: "Coffee, with Kareem and Sugar" (Archives)
The chiropractors formed a partnership to open their new clinic. It was
a joint venture, (Ron Arends)
Butcher who backs into meat-grinder gets a little behind in his orders. (Archives)
Bumper sticker on West Virginia Pick-up Truck: My Wife Is An Honor
Student At Jefferson Davis Junior High School (Judy's Jokes)
Does a coffee shop have the grounds to operate in the black? .(Mike Bull)
Weathercocks are vain creatures-. (Norm Gilbert)
Gentlemen prefer bonds. (Doug Helsel)
Three thousand pigs were shipped to Iowa. They were kept in a porking
lot. (Daryl Stout)
A father waited in line with his daughter Shelly for the chance to sign
the White House guestbook. Impatiently the little girl pushed in front
of a nun to get her turn. The father restrained his daughter and said:
"Wait till the nun signs, Shelly." (Richard Lederer)
Did I tell you about the great concert I went to last week? It was a
tribute to Simon and Garfunkel They had an impressive lineup - an Elvis
impersonator, Sergio Mendes and Brasil 66, Rosemary Clooney and 80's TV
star Tyne Daly from Cagney & Lacey. The ensemble was billed as 'Presley,
Serge, Rosemary and Tyne'. (Fred Spondy)
It's not just the stock market that's been telegraphing "trouble" about
the economy. The price of thoroughbreds has matched Wall Street's
gyrations. Yearlings that sold for an average of $27,295 in 1994 were
fetching $54,506 in 2000. But recent sales have seen 20 percent declines
from a year ago. Moral: If you invest in horses, don't expect stable
prices. (Cathleen Shoemaker)
The Indian was poised on top of a high mountain in Nevada sending smoke
signals. All at once, from the testing grounds, there was a huge
explosion and a mushroom cloud rose high in the air. Mused the Indian,
"Now why couldn't I have said that!" (Max Rezwin)
A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop. The
repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee
bit of fun. So he told her all she had to do was take it home and blow
in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out. After 15 minutes of
this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.
"I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working." "Duh.
You have to roll up the windows first!" (Twisted Humor)
"So I take my wife to this nice Chinese place and we're sitting there,
wolfing down Moo Goo Gui Pan ... when, suddenly, this nice kid (who's
been just sitting there, having a nice meal with his parents) jumps to
his feet and pulls out a 9mm. "With a scream, he starts pumping round
after round into his fried rice! Standing there, shooting his dinner.
"With a sigh, his mother says, 'Now, Tommy ... If I've told you once,
I've told you a hundred times. ... Stop wasting food!'"
Medical: Metacarpal: When you come across a group of people who ride to
work together. (Archives)
Computer: Ethernet : What the doctor puts on your face to make you sleep
during surgery (Archives)
Musical: STACCATO: How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home (Archives)
Rushes: Plants you need in a hurry. (Art Linkletter)
Window: What you hope to do at the casino. (Bree Schultz)
Children: The most common sexually transmitted disease. (Lexicon)
"I get Time, Newsweek, and U.S. News," he would say periodically (Weber
"I'll pay off that customs official," said Tom dutifully. (Archives)
New Year's Eve has come and gone,
But thoughts of it still linger.
I held a firecracker in my hand...
Has anybody seen my finger?
Said a boy to his teacher one day,
"Wright has not written 'rite' right, I say."
And the teacher replied
As the error he eyed,
"Right! Wright: write 'rite' right, right away!"
Vice Verse means a verse that makes as much sense backwards. (Art
Sign in a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the
chambermaid. (Richard Lederer)
Walter Cronkite was reading the news about Rolls-Royce having a recall
campaign, when he said, "Rolls-Royce announced today that it is
recalling all Rolls-Royce cars made after 1966 because of faulty nuts
behind the steering wheels." (Kermit Schafer)
MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING FACES BATTERY CHARGE (Richard Lederer)
FOR ADULTS ONLY:
Did you pick up any Italian on your vacation?" the secretary asked the
honey blonde at the next desk. "I'll say I did," enthused the honey.
"Let me hear you say some words." "I didn't learn any words." (Playboy
What's the difference between quiche and pussy?
Real men don't eat quiche. (Richard Lederer)
Why shouldn't you suck a twelve inch dick?
You could get foot in mouth disease. (E-Jokes)
After spending fifteen sexually starved years in an asylum, an inmate
escapes. The first female he runs across is a washer-woman hanging up
the institution's washing. He takes her and satisfies his urges and
dashes on to freedom.The local newspaper ran the following headline:
"NUT SCREWS WASHER AND BOLTS" (Adulticklers)
Confucius Says fly who sit on toilet seat, get pissed off. (Gilbert Dunk)
he young novice nun soon realized that the absence of sex in the convent
was a problem. She confessed to Mother Superior that it was unhealthy
and she was restless. "Comfort yourself with a candle," she was advised.
"I've tried that," she said, "But you get tired of the same thing wick
in and wick out." (Haust Javeri)
There was a young lady of Worcester,
Who dreamed Marlon Brando sedorcester.
But she woke up to find
It was all in her mind:
Just a lump in the mattress that gorcester.
(Playboy After Dark)
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car
which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign,
stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go
to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
"JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you don't stop
them?!" "Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign
pertains to religion." So the two ladies of the night frowned as they
took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same cop
in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large
sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to
catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read: "TWO
FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER---$50.00." (Cathleen Shoemaker)