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Puns of the Day: 1-1-03

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  • Stan Kegel
    PUNS OF THE DAY: 01-01-03 Happy New Year HOLIDAY PUNS Once a year, the collectors of antique tents in Germany get together for a rally. Last year, the
    Message 1 of 1 , Jan 1, 2003
      PUNS OF THE DAY: 01-01-03 Happy New Year

      HOLIDAY PUNS

      Once a year, the collectors of antique tents in Germany get together for
      a rally. Last year, the organizers decided to hold it in Meinz.
      Unfortunately, the local burghers took a dim view of so great an influx
      of tourists ruining their turf with tent pegs. The citizens organized
      themselves so thoroughly that they even had an anthem: "Let Old and
      Quaint Tents Be Forgot and Never Brought to Meinz!" (Whimsical Wits)

      Did you hear what the dyslexic Highway Patrolman did on New Year's?
      He spent the whole night handing out I.U.D.'s (Lee Hogan)

      PUNY RIDDLES:

      Workers in a furniture refinishing plant were geting a rash on their
      hind parts. It seems that they were using a solution that they carried
      in their hip pockets to shine the exterior layer of fine wood they were
      applying to their products,and this was causing the problem. What was
      the diagonsis?
      Veneer Rear Oil Disease. (Gary Reeves)

      When playing poker with a poet, why are you likely to receive your cards face-up?
      He’s used to dealing inverse (Gary Hallock)

      OTHER RIDDLES:

      How should you greet a German barber?
      "Herr Dresser." (Bob Phillips)

      What do you get when you cross a cow with a mule?
      Milk with a real kick to it. (Lederer & Ertner)

      Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?
      They're always bitter. (LOL)

      JEST FOR KIDS

      What does a car say when it gets parked in a tight space?
      That was tiring (Matthew, 7)

      What do you get when you cross a pointer with a setter?
      A poinsettia. (Lederer & Ertner)

      What kind of dress do you have but never wear?
      Your address. (Bob Phillips)

      Who never gets his hair wet in the shower?
      A bald man. (Kid's Jokes)

      What do you call an outlaw who has cotten in his ears?
      Anything you want, he can't hear you. (Daily Groaner)

      How do you kill a herd of elephants with just one can of pink paint?
      You paint one elephant, he'll die of embarrassment and all the others
      will die laughing. (Daily Groaner)

      How do mountains hear?
      With mountaineers. (Dave, 10)

      Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me
      One at a time please (Stan Kegel)

      Where do wizards go to test their skill?
      Spelling bees! (Elizabeth, 11)

      What do you give a sick bird?
      Tweetment (Dorian, 11)

      Where should a 500 pound alien go?
      On a diet (Brandon)

      What do you get from a pampered cow?
      Spoiled Milk (Sarah)

      DAILIES:

      He ate so much over the holidays that he decided to quit cold turkey.
      (Pun of the Day)

      You should be true to your teeth, or they will be false to you (Pun of
      the Day)

      You should trim your fingernails before they get out of hand? (Pun of
      the Day)

      Good police officers never miss a beat. (Pun of the Day)

      There was one lingerie thief that gave an officer the slip. (Pun of the Day)

      Police dogs are often the scenter of a drug arrest. (Pun of the Day)

      Paid overtime for police is known as the copper nitrate -- if it is
      warranted. (Pun of the Day)

      When he lost the lambs, the herder’s helper felt sheepish. (Jumble)

      While loitering on MIT property, a security guard came over to me and
      said, "I know your type. You travel from college to college, trespassing
      and finding the limits of functions by taking the derivatives of
      numerators over the derivatives of denominators." To this I responded,
      "Officer—I swear—I don’t inter LíHôpital."" (The Big Pun)

      What do you call money for the pay toilet?
      Johnny Cash. (Very Punny)

      Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left. (E4Fun)

      COMICS

      Night Watchmen never work a day in their lives, (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

      ONE-LINERS:

      If they cloned Cher - would she then be known as Cher and Cher alike?
      (Fred Spondy)

      Did you hear about the new restaurant chain opening nationwide? It is a
      partnership between Kareem Abdul Jabarr, Ryan Coffee, and Sugar Ray
      Leonard. They're going to call it: "Coffee, with Kareem and Sugar" (Archives)

      The chiropractors formed a partnership to open their new clinic. It was
      a joint venture, (Ron Arends)

      Butcher who backs into meat-grinder gets a little behind in his orders. (Archives)

      Bumper sticker on West Virginia Pick-up Truck: My Wife Is An Honor
      Student At Jefferson Davis Junior High School (Judy's Jokes)

      Does a coffee shop have the grounds to operate in the black? .(Mike Bull)

      Weathercocks are vain creatures-. (Norm Gilbert)

      Gentlemen prefer bonds. (Doug Helsel)

      Three thousand pigs were shipped to Iowa. They were kept in a porking
      lot. (Daryl Stout)

      I GROANERS:

      A father waited in line with his daughter Shelly for the chance to sign
      the White House guestbook. Impatiently the little girl pushed in front
      of a nun to get her turn. The father restrained his daughter and said:
      "Wait till the nun signs, Shelly." (Richard Lederer)

      Did I tell you about the great concert I went to last week? It was a
      tribute to Simon and Garfunkel They had an impressive lineup - an Elvis
      impersonator, Sergio Mendes and Brasil 66, Rosemary Clooney and 80's TV
      star Tyne Daly from Cagney & Lacey. The ensemble was billed as 'Presley,
      Serge, Rosemary and Tyne'. (Fred Spondy)

      It's not just the stock market that's been telegraphing "trouble" about
      the economy. The price of thoroughbreds has matched Wall Street's
      gyrations. Yearlings that sold for an average of $27,295 in 1994 were
      fetching $54,506 in 2000. But recent sales have seen 20 percent declines
      from a year ago. Moral: If you invest in horses, don't expect stable
      prices. (Cathleen Shoemaker)

      The Indian was poised on top of a high mountain in Nevada sending smoke
      signals. All at once, from the testing grounds, there was a huge
      explosion and a mushroom cloud rose high in the air. Mused the Indian,
      "Now why couldn't I have said that!" (Max Rezwin)

      A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop. The
      repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee
      bit of fun. So he told her all she had to do was take it home and blow
      in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out. After 15 minutes of
      this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.
      "I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working." "Duh.
      You have to roll up the windows first!" (Twisted Humor)

      "So I take my wife to this nice Chinese place and we're sitting there,
      wolfing down Moo Goo Gui Pan ... when, suddenly, this nice kid (who's
      been just sitting there, having a nice meal with his parents) jumps to
      his feet and pulls out a 9mm. "With a scream, he starts pumping round
      after round into his fried rice! Standing there, shooting his dinner.
      "With a sigh, his mother says, 'Now, Tommy ... If I've told you once,
      I've told you a hundred times. ... Stop wasting food!'"

      DEFINITIONS:

      Medical: Metacarpal: When you come across a group of people who ride to
      work together. (Archives)

      Computer: Ethernet : What the doctor puts on your face to make you sleep
      during surgery (Archives)

      Musical: STACCATO: How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home (Archives)

      Rushes: Plants you need in a hurry. (Art Linkletter)

      Window: What you hope to do at the casino. (Bree Schultz)

      Children: The most common sexually transmitted disease. (Lexicon)

      TOM SWIFTIES:

      "I get Time, Newsweek, and U.S. News," he would say periodically (Weber
      & Byron).

      "I'll pay off that customs official," said Tom dutifully. (Archives)

      POETRY

      New Year's Eve has come and gone,
      But thoughts of it still linger.
      I held a firecracker in my hand...
      Has anybody seen my finger?
      (Beckie Shiles)

      Said a boy to his teacher one day,
      "Wright has not written 'rite' right, I say."
      And the teacher replied
      As the error he eyed,
      "Right! Wright: write 'rite' right, right away!"
      (Anonymous)

      BLOOPERS:

      Vice Verse means a verse that makes as much sense backwards. (Art
      Linkletter)

      Sign in a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the
      chambermaid. (Richard Lederer)

      Walter Cronkite was reading the news about Rolls-Royce having a recall
      campaign, when he said, "Rolls-Royce announced today that it is
      recalling all Rolls-Royce cars made after 1966 because of faulty nuts
      behind the steering wheels." (Kermit Schafer)

      HEADLINES

      MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING FACES BATTERY CHARGE (Richard Lederer)

      FOR ADULTS ONLY:

      Did you pick up any Italian on your vacation?" the secretary asked the
      honey blonde at the next desk. "I'll say I did," enthused the honey.
      "Let me hear you say some words." "I didn't learn any words." (Playboy
      After Dark)

      What's the difference between quiche and pussy?
      Real men don't eat quiche. (Richard Lederer)

      Why shouldn't you suck a twelve inch dick?
      You could get foot in mouth disease. (E-Jokes)

      After spending fifteen sexually starved years in an asylum, an inmate
      escapes. The first female he runs across is a washer-woman hanging up
      the institution's washing. He takes her and satisfies his urges and
      dashes on to freedom.The local newspaper ran the following headline:
      "NUT SCREWS WASHER AND BOLTS" (Adulticklers)

      Confucius Says fly who sit on toilet seat, get pissed off. (Gilbert Dunk)

      he young novice nun soon realized that the absence of sex in the convent
      was a problem. She confessed to Mother Superior that it was unhealthy
      and she was restless. "Comfort yourself with a candle," she was advised.
      "I've tried that," she said, "But you get tired of the same thing wick
      in and wick out." (Haust Javeri)

      There was a young lady of Worcester,
      Who dreamed Marlon Brando sedorcester.
      But she woke up to find
      It was all in her mind:
      Just a lump in the mattress that gorcester.
      (Playboy After Dark)

      Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car
      which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign,
      stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go
      to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
      "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you don't stop
      them?!" "Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign
      pertains to religion." So the two ladies of the night frowned as they
      took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same cop
      in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large
      sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to
      catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read: "TWO
      FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER---$50.00." (Cathleen Shoemaker)
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