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Puns of the Day: 12/02/02

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  • Stan Kegel
    PUNS OF THE DAY: 12/02/02 IN THE NEWS: Supreme Court Chief Justice William Rehnquist underwent knee surgery Tuesday. His aides said he s recovering well. They
    Message 1 of 1 , Dec 2, 2002
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      PUNS OF THE DAY: 12/02/02

      IN THE NEWS:

      Supreme Court Chief Justice William Rehnquist underwent knee surgery
      Tuesday. His aides said he's recovering well. They wouldn't say if it
      was his left knee or his right knee because they don't want anybody to
      know which way he's going to lean (Argus Hamilton)

      A study says kids now spend 38 hours per week consuming media. It’s not
      all bad. Some programs they watch take them places they’ve never been.
      For example, outside. (Alan Ray)

      Michael Jordan said Friday he will retire from professional basketball
      after this season. He enjoys gambling, fine cigars and chasing women.
      This limits his future career options to the next Democratic president
      or the British Secret Service. (Argus Hamilton)

      HOLIDAY PUNS

      This we dreidel lot
      Women and menorah frayed
      To admit the truth
      (Gary Hallock)

      One December, when I was assistant manager of a children's bookstore, we
      set up a special rack of small holiday books. Looking at a few of the
      Hanukkah books on display, a customer remarked to the counter clerk how
      well priced they were. "Yes," the clerk agreed. "And they make great
      stocking stuffers too!" (Whimsical Wit)

      What kind of key do you have to cook?
      A Laitke. (Syman Hirsch)

      PUNY RIDDLES:

      The title of what famous novel seems to imply that it might be a book of
      promiscuous rabbit's tails?
      Warren piece (Gary Hallock)

      Why did the minister get arrested for holding spring break services by
      the ocean?
      He was charged with having sects on the beach. (Scott Ryan)

      OTHER RIDDLES:

      What happens when you fall in love with a chauffeur?
      You get taken for a ride. (Gigglylady)

      What’s the difference between a bombastic punster and a car-chasing
      canine on a hot day?
      One puns and rants, and the other runs and pants. (Lederer & Ertner)

      JEST FOR KIDS

      On December 24, Adam's wife was known as?
      Christmas Eve (Richard Lederer)

      What did the guest sing at the Eskimo's Christmas party ?
      Freeze a jolly fellow ! (Kids Jokes)

      Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas cake ?
      Your teeth ! (Kids Jokes)

      What do reindeers say before telling you a joke ?
      This one will sleigh you ! (Kids Jokes)

      What did the big candle say to the little candle ?
      I'm going out tonight ! (Kids Jokes)

      In which month does Santa Claus eat the least?
      February; because it's the shortest month. (Daily Groaner)

      Why did the baker insult the bread?
      To get a rise out of it. (Mini Jokes)

      Who was the fabled lumberjack with sore feet?
      Paul Bunion (Cynthia MacGregor)

      Why shouldn’t you tell jokes in the kitchen?
      Because the dishes might crack up. (Chelsea, 7)

      What’s the difference between a good dog and a poor student?
      One rarely bites, and the other barely writes. (Lederer & Ertner)

      Why are comedians like doctors?
      Because they keep people in stitches. (Kid's Jokes)

      What do prisoners use to call each other?
      Cell phones. (Crazy Puns)

      What do you get when you cross.a pig with a cactus?
      A porkerpine. (Hot Cross Puns)

      What does a ball do when it stops rolling?
      Looks 'round. (Beckie Shiles)

      What should you do if a elephant comes in your window?
      Start Swimming (William Brabant)

      Why are cooks so cruel?
      Because they beat the eggs and whip the cream! (Ellen, 10)

      How do you tell when a clock is hungry?
      It goes back for seconds! (Vincent, 7)

      Why was the math book upset?
      Because it had too many problems! (Paul, 7)

      DAILIES:

      "At the holiday party, there'll be h'ordoevres, fine wine, a gourmet
      meal and great company." "What about attire?" I asked. Well if you
      must bring a gift, I hope you can spare it, and only if you've had a
      good year." (Intl Save the Pun Fnd)

      Psychiatrists like Kentucky Freud Chicken. (Pun of the Day)

      Anyone who jumps off a Paris bridge is in Seine (Pun of the Day)

      A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
      Blownapart (Pun of the Day)

      Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it all, although a lot
      of dieting is wishful shrinking. (Pun of the Day)

      I went on a cheese diet to try and cheddar few pounds. (Pun of the Day)

      I went on a diet as a gut reaction. (Pun of the Day)

      A boxer went on assault-free diet. (Pun of the Day)

      A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter, and might win you
      the nobelly prize. (Pun of the Day)

      When they opened a shoe repair shop, they became sole mates. (Jumble)

      She gave her husband a massage to fulfill a knead. (Jumble)

      A farmer can turn a field into pay-dirt. (Jumble)

      Bathing beauty: A girl worth wading for (Richard Lederer/Very Punny)

      COMICS

      “You look a little shook up!” “I lost control of my car last night. My
      daughter got her driver’s licence.” (Shoe: Cassett & Brookins)

      ONE-LINERS:

      Teacher: Why are you standing on your head?
      Pupil: I'm just turning over things in my mind! (Teen Jokes)

      In 1908 Street vendors began petalling flowers. (Daryl Stout)

      As far as careers go, farmers are out standing in their field! (Crazy Puns)

      The drummer, turned cop, was finally pounding a beat. (Ginny Manning)

      Too many clicks spoil the browse. (Internet Age)

      My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
      (Renee From Napa)

      Watch out for people with vision. An hallucination is a vision. (Gag-O-Matic)

      Pro linemen are so huge that it takes just four of them to make a dozen.
      (College Jokes)

      The Chicago Bears football team is going to have a ghost for a mascot.
      That's what I call real team spirit! (Jack Levitt)

      Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
      She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche. (Archives)

      A book on voyeurism may be a Peeping Tome. (Emily Meter)

      Ahh. A man with a sharp wit. Someone ought to take it away from him
      before he cuts himself. (Peter da Silva)

      GROANERS:

      There was a trucker who had a problem with one of the wheels on his
      truck, it kept falling off. He finally thought he had it fixed, but one
      day while he was sailing around a corner at about 70 mph, the wheel came
      flying off, and the trucker was heard singing at the top of his lungs,
      “You picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel.” (Dave Coble)

      I braved the crowds and traffic this morning to do a little shopping at
      the mall. Now I know the sales personnel are stressed out and harried
      but why did every cashier ask me, "Do you wanna box?". What do I look
      like, Leon Spinks? (Karen Hamilton)

      A congregation decided to paint the walls of the church. They were doing
      an admirable job until they began to run out of paint, so they decided
      to thin the stuff in order to complete their task. Shortly after the job
      was finished, the rains descended from the heavens, and the paint began
      to peel from the walls of the church. And a thunderous voice boomed from
      above: "Repaint and Thin no more!" (Richard Lederer)

      A leopard entered the Jungle Olympics every four years and always won
      the gold medal in the Long Jump. He got tired of this and the next
      Olympics decided try the High Jump and the Javelin. He did very poorly
      in both, thus proving that a leopard can't change his sports. (Crazy Puns)

      Sheila was having trouble with a particularly stubborn varicose vein. A
      friend suggested Dr. Benson. Just in time, Sheila discovered that this
      vein had the ability to forecast the weather. When it felt cold, the
      weather would be cold; when it was warm, the weather would be warm, etc.
      She decided not to have the problem solved because she had become so
      dependent upon her weather vein. (Crazy Puns)

      A man goes to his doctor. 'If I see someone riding a bike when I'm
      walking down the street, I get this terrible urge to throw myself under
      the wheels. Do you think I'm mad?' The doctor thinks for a moment, then
      says; "No, you're just a cycle path" (Daily Groaner)

      DEFINITIONS:

      MUSICAL: Diminished Fifth: An empty bottle of Jack Daniels (Archives)

      MEDICAL: Abdomen: A shortage of the little Pillsbury guys (Stan Kegel)

      COMPUTER: 32 Bit Resolution: A motion to spend four dollars (Stan Kegel)

      X-MAS: Caroling: A Chinese girl that I dated in high school. (Ken Pinkham)

      X-MAS: Holly: Jewish egg bread, special for Christmas (Cynthia MacGregor)

      Equinox: A cross between a cow and a horse (Willie Meikle)

      Toboggan: Why we go to an auction. (Irene A. Mystery)

      TOM SWIFTIES:

      "My cat had six kittens," Tom said literally. (Stan Kegel)

      "I love that girl," said Herman. (Adrienne Tozier)

      "I'm mailing you this book in a plain brown wrapper," said Tom covertly.
      (Jeanne Abrons)

      POETRY

      To low-fat foods I don't subscribe.
      I'm not a part of the diet tribe. (Lily Noyes)

      He's fearless in the face of danger.
      Just who is this perfect stranger?
      He's the one that you thank
      When you're in the bank
      Where he's known as the Loan Arranger. (Tom Patton)

      BLOOPERS:

      The left leg became numb at times and she walked it off. (Richard Lederer)

      HEADLINES

      Privates held in sexual assault (Richard Lederer)

      Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees (Funny Pics)

      Lack of brains hinders research (2002 Almanac for Farm and City Folk)

      FOR ADULTS ONLY:

      A Draughtsman residing in Poole
      Was possessed of a singular tool.
      Said he, matter-of-factly,
      It's twelve inches exactly
      But I don't use it much as a rule.
      (Kevin Raynek)

      I went into an Alaskan bar filled with women. After a few drinks those
      lezzies all looked alike. It was a clone dyke bar. (Mike Wheeler)

      What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
      Nobody eats parsley. (Richard Lederer)

      David and Simon are sitting in the cafeteria discussing their weekend.
      "Man this weekend was the best!" David says. "I finally scored." Simon
      says, "Yeah, well I scored and it was the worst experience I've ever
      had." "How so?" replies David. Simon relates, "That girl Cecilia brought
      me back to her room and said she would do anything I want. So I asked
      her to go down on me, and she said no problem. In the middle of the
      whole thing, she starts turning green, coughing like crazy and passes
      out." "Damn!" Simon says. "What happened?" David responds, "Turns out
      she's allergic to nuts." (Over The Edge)

      What's a gay bartender's favorite drink?
      Fruit cocktail.. (My Stacy)

      When the well-molded secretary entered her boss' office one morning, he
      looked ou the window and announced idly, "It's certainly going to be a
      beautiful day." "I don't think so," replied the secretary. "The weather
      forcast is for snow." "It's not going to snow," contradicted the exec.
      "I'll lay you twelve to one." "I'd rather not," she remarked. "That's my
      lunch hour." (William Brabant)

      Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
      Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to
      use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself." (Scott Sexton)

      What's the definition of eternity?
      The length of time between when YOU come and SHE leaves. (Sea Girl)

      Dora was a hooker in ancient times. One day she was reviewed by a panel
      ofcritics, and they found her not so much wanton as wantin', so they
      decided to pan Dora's box. (Cynthia MacGregor)

      Virginity can be cured.. (William Brabant)

      “Mom, what kind of bird brings white babies?” “Why, a stork, dear.”
      “Mom, what kind of bird brings black babies?””A raven, dear.” “Mom, then
      what kind of bird brings no babies at all?” “A swallow, dear!” (Archives)
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