Puns of the Day: 11/01/02
- PUNS OF THE DAY: 11/01/02
A fashion designer had developed a new material that clung from his
models limbs giving them a slow, indolent and lazy appearance. This new
look was abandoned after the designer discovered that the key ingredient
of the material, which was obtained from little arborial critters was
giving his models warts After this revelation everyone in the business
called the material - what?
Tree toad's cloth (Gary Reeves)
An engaged Japanese woman wanted a traditional wedding but was so taken
with American culture that she insisted on incorporating a long train
into her wedding gown. Thus when she walked down the aisle, the sight
made some wedding guests think of a strange and dangerous reptile. What
did they see? (answer Monday)
With what words was the famous Chinese philosopher rejected by those
not ready to accept his thinking?
Don't confuse us! (Don't, Confucius!) (Lars Hanson)
Martha Stewart just can't seem to stay out of trouble. Federal
investigators looking through her kitchen came across an entire
storeroom full of MacIntoshes. When questioned about this cache she'd
stashed, she was hard pressed to give a logical answer. Now she's being
charged with what?
In-cider trading (Paul Croft)
JEST FOR KIDS
Why don't mummies go on vacations?
Because they might relax and unwind!! (The Daily Joke)
What is an easy way to make your money bigger?
Put it under a magnifying glass.(Kids Jokes)
What is a hot and noisy duck?
A firequacker. (Alan, 8)
Why was the elephant fired from the circus?
Because he kept throwing his weight around (Lederer & Entner)
What is a mosquito's favorite sport?
Skin diving (LAB Riddles)
Why are cards like wolves?
Because they belong to a pack.(Stan Kegel)
What do you call a exam given to a criminal?
A con-test (Susie Mundy)
Why didn't the man believe what the sardine said?
It sounded too fishy. (Archives)
Why did the police dog like to stay home in bed?
Because he was an undercover agent (Lederer & Entner)
What is the difference between a dog with rabies and a hot dog?
One bites the hand that feeds it; the other feeds the hand that bites
it. (Jeff Rovin)
What can jump higher than a house?
Anything. Houses cant jump (Daily Groaner)
What do baby sweet potatoes sleep in?
Their yammies. (Daily Groaner)
Why couldnt they sell soda pop at the doubleheader?
Because the home team lost the opener. (Tei, 8)
"Doctor Doctor - I feel like a needle!"
"I see your point." (Medical Humor)
What kind of birds are most frequently found in captivity?
Jailbirds (LOL Riddles)
What do you call an octopus that has gone away?
An octagon (Heidi, 11)
A new auto body shop owner took a crash course to learn his business.
(Pun of the Day)
Astronauts work in a nice atmosphere. (Pun of the Day)
An astronaut who fails on a weightlessness experiment must
be aware of the gravity of the situation. (Pun of the Day
It is easy to tell on Halloween which is which (Jumble)
After having an accident on the car's rug, the puppy was stripped of his
car pet privileges. (The Big Pun)
My sister is going to cosmetology school learning to be a hairdresser.
She's having some trouble. She did just fine in her class about
permanent waves, but she just can't seem to learn the fancy braiding
techniques. "I guess you could say she passed curls before twine."
WANTED: Meaningful Overnight Relationship. (E4Fun)
Well, yes, your miniature donkey collection is quite impressive.
However, its not what I meant by assets. (Pardon My Planet: Vic Lee)
Hear about the man who ran into a screen door and strained himself.
What kind of milk makes you blink? Past eur ized (R. Clark)
Marriage is like a violin. After all the beautiful music is over, the
strings are still attached. (Don's List)
A fool and his money are some party. (Doug Helsel)
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator,
It would be a good idea to just leave them there. (Paul Croft)
The kid shot a rubber band at the long-nosed creature, and it lay down
as if dead, but the kid knew that just wasn't possumble. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Someday you will look back on your life and plow into a parked car.
Do cowboys with glasses come from the sight ride of the tracks? (Archives)
People who live in stone houses should never throw glasses. (Leonard
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bulls..t before..(My Stacy)
Did you hear about the farmer in his tractor who got into a wreck with a
car? He plowed right into it. (Simon Champion)
The trick to flying is throwing yourself at the floor and missing.
An amateur magician was attempting to perform a vanishing act but
encountered a lot of trouble with his equipment. After several failed
efforts, the impatient audience began to jeer and heckle him. The
embarrassed magician suddenly dropped dead on the stage as he finally
succumbed to disappeer pressure. (Gary Hallock)
A student essay stated: "The girl tumbled down the stairs and lay
prostitute at the bottom. " In the margin of the paper, the professor
commented: "My dear sir, you must learn to distinguish between a fallen
woman and one who has merely slipped. " (Richard Lederer)
Josh was helping Sally, the blonde, clean out the trunk of her car.
Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit". Looking at it a
little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside. Thinking that was
a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for. She said, "It's part of
my emergency repair kit." Josh said, "I can see that, but why?" Sally
replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires..."
An older couple went on a cruise for their anniversary. Their
conversation with the other couples they met tended towards political
and international events. At one point, the husband asked, "Honey, what
do you think about the Middle East position?" She replied, "Oh, I don't
know, dear, you know I'm not into any of that kinky stuff." (Jokes for
"Good afternoon, Bartender, a pint of Less if you please," said the old
"Less? Never heard of it," replied the barman. "Oh, come now surely you
have," he persisted. "No sorry, we certainly don't stock it. What is it
anyway? Some foreign beer?" "Well I'm not sure," admitted the man. "It
was the doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink less." (William Brabant)
The Italian said, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."
The Mexican said, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."
The Scot said, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have Scotch."
The Swede said, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have aquavit."
The Japanese said, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have sake."
The Russian said, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."
The German said, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."
The Greek said, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo."
The Jew said, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes." (Joke Master)
Incidental: Stuff that gets stuck between your teeth and your gums.
Increment: What I was trying to say is shove it in butterfat (Cynthia MacGregor)
Heliogram: A telegram between lions. (Gunjan Saraf)
Hangnail: Where you put your coat (Stan Kegel)
Cemetary: A Cement Plant (Brad Williams)
Cauldron: What Nancy Reagan did when she wanted her husband. (Ken Pinkham)
Pumpkin Patch: What's used to repair a damaged jack o'lantern (Jim Ertner)
"I would like to hit Prince Charles' successor," said Tom strikingly.
This is a lovely (kiss me now) citrus tree (kiss me now) you chose to
have (kiss me now) our picnic under, Tom sad subliminally. (Archives)
The grass I two months ago sowed
I can't believe how fast it's growed
I hear my spouse say,
"Please cut it today."
I would, but I ain't in that mowed
The first time that Sharita Lawrence spotted lice on one of her
daughter's heads, she remained calm because she knew the drill. (Richard Lederer)
FOR ADULTS ONLY:
There was a young vampire called Mabel,
Who's periods were very unstable.
And every full moon,
She got a big spoon,
And drank herself under the table. (Ernie)
Why did the blond always put Everready batteries in backwards.
She wanted the bunny to keep coming and coming and coming (Stan Kegel)
What did the German bisexual woman do?
Went down on her Hans and niece. (Red Babe)
I have the right tool for your crevice. You're dirty when you grab my
hose. I'm a dirt bag that sucks.
Vacuum Cleaner (Archives)
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole
hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the
air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!" The mama mole sticks her head
out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!" The baby
mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't
because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can
smell is molasses. (Caboom)
Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better (Lady Godiva)
Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbour's daughter.(My Stacy)
Have you heard about the Roman fighter with hair in his teeth?
He was gladiator (Richard Lederer)
Doctor: How did you cut your finger?
Patient: I goosed a sword swallower. (Archives)