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Re: [prezveepsenator] Stephen Colbert in the NY Times

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    One of the best, if not the best, satirists of our time IMHO.. Tom ... http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/14/opinion/14dowd.html?th&emc=th
    Message 1 of 2 , Oct 14, 2007
      One of the best, if not the best, satirists of our
      time IMHO..


      --- Greg Cannon <gregcannon1@...> wrote:

      > Op-Ed Columnist
      > A Mock Columnist, Amok
      > Published: October 14, 2007
      > I was in my office, writing a column on the
      > injustice
      > of relative marginal tax rates for hedge fund
      > managers, when I saw Stephen Colbert on TV.
      > He was sneering that Times columns make good
      > “kindling.” He was ranting that after you throw away
      > the paper, “it takes over a hundred years for the
      > lies
      > to biodegrade.” He was observing, approvingly, that
      > “Dick Cheney’s fondest pipe dream is driving a
      > bulldozer into The New York Times while drinking
      > crude
      > oil out of Keith Olbermann’s skull.”
      > I called Colbert with a dare: if he thought it was
      > so
      > easy to be a Times Op-Ed pundit, he should try it.
      > He
      > came right over. In a moment of weakness, I had
      > staged
      > a coup d’moi. I just hope he leaves at some point.
      > He’s typing and drinking and threatening to “shave
      > Paul Krugman with a broken bottle.”
      > I Am an Op-Ed Columnist (And So Can You!)
      > Surprised to see my byline here, aren’t you? I would
      > be too, if I read The New York Times. But I don’t.
      > So
      > I’ll just have to take your word that this was
      > published. Frankly, I prefer emoticons to the
      > written
      > word, and if you disagree :(
      > I’d like to thank Maureen Dowd for
      > permitting/begging
      > me to write her column today. As I type this, she’s
      > watching from an overstuffed divan, petting her
      > prize
      > Abyssinian and sipping a Dirty Cosmotinijito. Which
      > reminds me: Before I get started, I have to take
      > care
      > of one other bit of business:
      > Bad things are happening in countries you shouldn’t
      > have to think about. It’s all George Bush’s fault,
      > the
      > vice president is Satan, and God is gay.
      > There. Now I’ve written Frank Rich’s column too.
      > So why I am writing Miss Dowd’s column today?
      > Simple.
      > Because I believe the 2008 election, unlike all
      > previous elections, is important. And a lot of
      > Americans feel confused about the current crop of
      > presidential candidates.
      > For instance, Hillary Clinton. I can’t remember if
      > I’m
      > supposed to be scared of her so Democrats will think
      > they should nominate her when she’s actually easy to
      > beat, or if I’m supposed to be scared of her because
      > she’s legitimately scary.
      > Or Rudy Giuliani. I can’t remember if I’m supposed
      > to
      > support him because he’s the one who can beat
      > Hillary
      > if she gets nominated, or if I’m supposed to support
      > him because he’s legitimately scary.
      > And Fred Thompson. In my opinion “Law & Order” never
      > sufficiently explained why the Manhattan D.A. had an
      > accent like an Appalachian catfish wrestler.
      > Well, suddenly an option is looming on the horizon.
      > And I don’t mean Al Gore (though he’s a world-class
      > loomer). First of all, I don’t think Nobel Prizes
      > should go to people I was seated next to at the
      > Emmys.
      > Second, winning the Nobel Prize does not
      > automatically
      > qualify you to be commander in chief. I think George
      > Bush has proved definitively that to be president,
      > you
      > don’t need to care about science, literature or
      > peace.
      > While my hat is not presently in the ring, I should
      > also point out that it is not on my head. So where’s
      > that hat? (Hint: John McCain was seen passing one at
      > a
      > gas station to fuel up the Straight Talk Express.)
      > Others point to my new bestseller, “I Am America
      > (And
      > So Can You!)” noting that many candidates test the
      > waters with a book first. Just look at Barack Obama,
      > John Edwards or O. J. Simpson.
      > Look at the moral guidance I offer. On faith: “After
      > Jesus was born, the Old Testament basically became a
      > way for Bible publishers to keep their word count
      > up.”
      > On gender: “The sooner we accept the basic
      > differences
      > between men and women, the sooner we can stop
      > arguing
      > about it and start having sex.” On race: “While skin
      > and race are often synonymous, skin cleansing is
      > good,
      > race cleansing is bad.” On the elderly: “They look
      > like lizards.”
      > Our nation is at a Fork in the Road. Some say we
      > should go Left; some say go Right. I say, “Doesn’t
      > this thing have a reverse gear?” Let’s back this
      > country up to a time before there were forks in the
      > road — or even roads. Or forks, for that matter. I
      > want to return to a simpler America where we ate our
      > meat off the end of a sharpened stick.
      > Let me regurgitate: I know why you want me to run,
      > and
      > I hear your clamor. I share Americans’ nostalgia for
      > an era when you not only could tell a man by the cut
      > of his jib, but the jib industry hadn’t yet fled to
      > Guangdong. And I don’t intend to tease you for weeks
      > the way Newt Gingrich did, saying that if his
      > supporters raised $30 million, he would run for
      > president. I would run for 15 million. Cash.
      > Nevertheless, I am not ready to announce yet — even
      > though it’s clear that the voters are desperate for
      > a
      > white, male, middle-aged, Jesus-trumpeting
      > alternative.
      > What do I offer? Hope for the common man. Because I
      > am
      > not the Anointed or the Inevitable. I am just an
      > Average Joe like you — if you have a TV show.
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