Re: [prezveepsenator] Stephen Colbert in the NY Times
- One of the best, if not the best, satirists of our
--- Greg Cannon <gregcannon1@...> wrote:
> Op-Ed Columnist
> A Mock Columnist, Amok
> By MAUREEN DOWD
> Published: October 14, 2007
> I was in my office, writing a column on the
> of relative marginal tax rates for hedge fund
> managers, when I saw Stephen Colbert on TV.
> He was sneering that Times columns make good
> kindling. He was ranting that after you throw away
> the paper, it takes over a hundred years for the
> to biodegrade. He was observing, approvingly, that
> Dick Cheneys fondest pipe dream is driving a
> bulldozer into The New York Times while drinking
> oil out of Keith Olbermanns skull.
> I called Colbert with a dare: if he thought it was
> easy to be a Times Op-Ed pundit, he should try it.
> came right over. In a moment of weakness, I had
> a coup dmoi. I just hope he leaves at some point.
> Hes typing and drinking and threatening to shave
> Paul Krugman with a broken bottle.
> I Am an Op-Ed Columnist (And So Can You!)
> By STEPHEN COLBERT
> Surprised to see my byline here, arent you? I would
> be too, if I read The New York Times. But I dont.
> Ill just have to take your word that this was
> published. Frankly, I prefer emoticons to the
> word, and if you disagree :(
> Id like to thank Maureen Dowd for
> me to write her column today. As I type this, shes
> watching from an overstuffed divan, petting her
> Abyssinian and sipping a Dirty Cosmotinijito. Which
> reminds me: Before I get started, I have to take
> of one other bit of business:
> Bad things are happening in countries you shouldnt
> have to think about. Its all George Bushs fault,
> vice president is Satan, and God is gay.
> There. Now Ive written Frank Richs column too.
> So why I am writing Miss Dowds column today?
> Because I believe the 2008 election, unlike all
> previous elections, is important. And a lot of
> Americans feel confused about the current crop of
> presidential candidates.
> For instance, Hillary Clinton. I cant remember if
> supposed to be scared of her so Democrats will think
> they should nominate her when shes actually easy to
> beat, or if Im supposed to be scared of her because
> shes legitimately scary.
> Or Rudy Giuliani. I cant remember if Im supposed
> support him because hes the one who can beat
> if she gets nominated, or if Im supposed to support
> him because hes legitimately scary.
> And Fred Thompson. In my opinion Law & Order never
> sufficiently explained why the Manhattan D.A. had an
> accent like an Appalachian catfish wrestler.
> Well, suddenly an option is looming on the horizon.
> And I dont mean Al Gore (though hes a world-class
> loomer). First of all, I dont think Nobel Prizes
> should go to people I was seated next to at the
> Second, winning the Nobel Prize does not
> qualify you to be commander in chief. I think George
> Bush has proved definitively that to be president,
> dont need to care about science, literature or
> While my hat is not presently in the ring, I should
> also point out that it is not on my head. So wheres
> that hat? (Hint: John McCain was seen passing one at
> gas station to fuel up the Straight Talk Express.)
> Others point to my new bestseller, I Am America
> So Can You!) noting that many candidates test the
> waters with a book first. Just look at Barack Obama,
> John Edwards or O. J. Simpson.
> Look at the moral guidance I offer. On faith: After
> Jesus was born, the Old Testament basically became a
> way for Bible publishers to keep their word count
> On gender: The sooner we accept the basic
> between men and women, the sooner we can stop
> about it and start having sex. On race: While skin
> and race are often synonymous, skin cleansing is
> race cleansing is bad. On the elderly: They look
> like lizards.
> Our nation is at a Fork in the Road. Some say we
> should go Left; some say go Right. I say, Doesnt
> this thing have a reverse gear? Lets back this
> country up to a time before there were forks in the
> road or even roads. Or forks, for that matter. I
> want to return to a simpler America where we ate our
> meat off the end of a sharpened stick.
> Let me regurgitate: I know why you want me to run,
> I hear your clamor. I share Americans nostalgia for
> an era when you not only could tell a man by the cut
> of his jib, but the jib industry hadnt yet fled to
> Guangdong. And I dont intend to tease you for weeks
> the way Newt Gingrich did, saying that if his
> supporters raised $30 million, he would run for
> president. I would run for 15 million. Cash.
> Nevertheless, I am not ready to announce yet even
> though its clear that the voters are desperate for
> white, male, middle-aged, Jesus-trumpeting
> What do I offer? Hope for the common man. Because I
> not the Anointed or the Inevitable. I am just an
> Average Joe like you if you have a TV show.