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Stephen Colbert in the NY Times

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  • Greg Cannon
    http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/14/opinion/14dowd.html?th&emc=th Op-Ed Columnist A Mock Columnist, Amok By MAUREEN DOWD Published: October 14, 2007 I was in my
    Message 1 of 2 , Oct 14, 2007
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      http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/14/opinion/14dowd.html?th&emc=th

      Op-Ed Columnist
      A Mock Columnist, Amok

      By MAUREEN DOWD
      Published: October 14, 2007

      I was in my office, writing a column on the injustice
      of relative marginal tax rates for hedge fund
      managers, when I saw Stephen Colbert on TV.

      He was sneering that Times columns make good
      “kindling.” He was ranting that after you throw away
      the paper, “it takes over a hundred years for the lies
      to biodegrade.” He was observing, approvingly, that
      “Dick Cheney’s fondest pipe dream is driving a
      bulldozer into The New York Times while drinking crude
      oil out of Keith Olbermann’s skull.”

      I called Colbert with a dare: if he thought it was so
      easy to be a Times Op-Ed pundit, he should try it. He
      came right over. In a moment of weakness, I had staged
      a coup d’moi. I just hope he leaves at some point.
      He’s typing and drinking and threatening to “shave
      Paul Krugman with a broken bottle.”

      I Am an Op-Ed Columnist (And So Can You!)

      By STEPHEN COLBERT

      Surprised to see my byline here, aren’t you? I would
      be too, if I read The New York Times. But I don’t. So
      I’ll just have to take your word that this was
      published. Frankly, I prefer emoticons to the written
      word, and if you disagree :(

      I’d like to thank Maureen Dowd for permitting/begging
      me to write her column today. As I type this, she’s
      watching from an overstuffed divan, petting her prize
      Abyssinian and sipping a Dirty Cosmotinijito. Which
      reminds me: Before I get started, I have to take care
      of one other bit of business:

      Bad things are happening in countries you shouldn’t
      have to think about. It’s all George Bush’s fault, the
      vice president is Satan, and God is gay.

      There. Now I’ve written Frank Rich’s column too.

      So why I am writing Miss Dowd’s column today? Simple.
      Because I believe the 2008 election, unlike all
      previous elections, is important. And a lot of
      Americans feel confused about the current crop of
      presidential candidates.

      For instance, Hillary Clinton. I can’t remember if I’m
      supposed to be scared of her so Democrats will think
      they should nominate her when she’s actually easy to
      beat, or if I’m supposed to be scared of her because
      she’s legitimately scary.

      Or Rudy Giuliani. I can’t remember if I’m supposed to
      support him because he’s the one who can beat Hillary
      if she gets nominated, or if I’m supposed to support
      him because he’s legitimately scary.

      And Fred Thompson. In my opinion “Law & Order” never
      sufficiently explained why the Manhattan D.A. had an
      accent like an Appalachian catfish wrestler.

      Well, suddenly an option is looming on the horizon.
      And I don’t mean Al Gore (though he’s a world-class
      loomer). First of all, I don’t think Nobel Prizes
      should go to people I was seated next to at the Emmys.
      Second, winning the Nobel Prize does not automatically
      qualify you to be commander in chief. I think George
      Bush has proved definitively that to be president, you
      don’t need to care about science, literature or peace.

      While my hat is not presently in the ring, I should
      also point out that it is not on my head. So where’s
      that hat? (Hint: John McCain was seen passing one at a
      gas station to fuel up the Straight Talk Express.)

      Others point to my new bestseller, “I Am America (And
      So Can You!)” noting that many candidates test the
      waters with a book first. Just look at Barack Obama,
      John Edwards or O. J. Simpson.

      Look at the moral guidance I offer. On faith: “After
      Jesus was born, the Old Testament basically became a
      way for Bible publishers to keep their word count up.”
      On gender: “The sooner we accept the basic differences
      between men and women, the sooner we can stop arguing
      about it and start having sex.” On race: “While skin
      and race are often synonymous, skin cleansing is good,
      race cleansing is bad.” On the elderly: “They look
      like lizards.”

      Our nation is at a Fork in the Road. Some say we
      should go Left; some say go Right. I say, “Doesn’t
      this thing have a reverse gear?” Let’s back this
      country up to a time before there were forks in the
      road — or even roads. Or forks, for that matter. I
      want to return to a simpler America where we ate our
      meat off the end of a sharpened stick.

      Let me regurgitate: I know why you want me to run, and
      I hear your clamor. I share Americans’ nostalgia for
      an era when you not only could tell a man by the cut
      of his jib, but the jib industry hadn’t yet fled to
      Guangdong. And I don’t intend to tease you for weeks
      the way Newt Gingrich did, saying that if his
      supporters raised $30 million, he would run for
      president. I would run for 15 million. Cash.

      Nevertheless, I am not ready to announce yet — even
      though it’s clear that the voters are desperate for a
      white, male, middle-aged, Jesus-trumpeting
      alternative.

      What do I offer? Hope for the common man. Because I am
      not the Anointed or the Inevitable. I am just an
      Average Joe like you — if you have a TV show.
    • THOMAS JOHNSON
      One of the best, if not the best, satirists of our time IMHO.. Tom ... http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/14/opinion/14dowd.html?th&emc=th
      Message 2 of 2 , Oct 14, 2007
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        One of the best, if not the best, satirists of our
        time IMHO..

        Tom


        --- Greg Cannon <gregcannon1@...> wrote:

        >
        http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/14/opinion/14dowd.html?th&emc=th
        >
        > Op-Ed Columnist
        > A Mock Columnist, Amok
        >
        > By MAUREEN DOWD
        > Published: October 14, 2007
        >
        > I was in my office, writing a column on the
        > injustice
        > of relative marginal tax rates for hedge fund
        > managers, when I saw Stephen Colbert on TV.
        >
        > He was sneering that Times columns make good
        > “kindling.” He was ranting that after you throw away
        > the paper, “it takes over a hundred years for the
        > lies
        > to biodegrade.” He was observing, approvingly, that
        > “Dick Cheney’s fondest pipe dream is driving a
        > bulldozer into The New York Times while drinking
        > crude
        > oil out of Keith Olbermann’s skull.”
        >
        > I called Colbert with a dare: if he thought it was
        > so
        > easy to be a Times Op-Ed pundit, he should try it.
        > He
        > came right over. In a moment of weakness, I had
        > staged
        > a coup d’moi. I just hope he leaves at some point.
        > He’s typing and drinking and threatening to “shave
        > Paul Krugman with a broken bottle.”
        >
        > I Am an Op-Ed Columnist (And So Can You!)
        >
        > By STEPHEN COLBERT
        >
        > Surprised to see my byline here, aren’t you? I would
        > be too, if I read The New York Times. But I don’t.
        > So
        > I’ll just have to take your word that this was
        > published. Frankly, I prefer emoticons to the
        > written
        > word, and if you disagree :(
        >
        > I’d like to thank Maureen Dowd for
        > permitting/begging
        > me to write her column today. As I type this, she’s
        > watching from an overstuffed divan, petting her
        > prize
        > Abyssinian and sipping a Dirty Cosmotinijito. Which
        > reminds me: Before I get started, I have to take
        > care
        > of one other bit of business:
        >
        > Bad things are happening in countries you shouldn’t
        > have to think about. It’s all George Bush’s fault,
        > the
        > vice president is Satan, and God is gay.
        >
        > There. Now I’ve written Frank Rich’s column too.
        >
        > So why I am writing Miss Dowd’s column today?
        > Simple.
        > Because I believe the 2008 election, unlike all
        > previous elections, is important. And a lot of
        > Americans feel confused about the current crop of
        > presidential candidates.
        >
        > For instance, Hillary Clinton. I can’t remember if
        > I’m
        > supposed to be scared of her so Democrats will think
        > they should nominate her when she’s actually easy to
        > beat, or if I’m supposed to be scared of her because
        > she’s legitimately scary.
        >
        > Or Rudy Giuliani. I can’t remember if I’m supposed
        > to
        > support him because he’s the one who can beat
        > Hillary
        > if she gets nominated, or if I’m supposed to support
        > him because he’s legitimately scary.
        >
        > And Fred Thompson. In my opinion “Law & Order” never
        > sufficiently explained why the Manhattan D.A. had an
        > accent like an Appalachian catfish wrestler.
        >
        > Well, suddenly an option is looming on the horizon.
        > And I don’t mean Al Gore (though he’s a world-class
        > loomer). First of all, I don’t think Nobel Prizes
        > should go to people I was seated next to at the
        > Emmys.
        > Second, winning the Nobel Prize does not
        > automatically
        > qualify you to be commander in chief. I think George
        > Bush has proved definitively that to be president,
        > you
        > don’t need to care about science, literature or
        > peace.
        >
        > While my hat is not presently in the ring, I should
        > also point out that it is not on my head. So where’s
        > that hat? (Hint: John McCain was seen passing one at
        > a
        > gas station to fuel up the Straight Talk Express.)
        >
        > Others point to my new bestseller, “I Am America
        > (And
        > So Can You!)” noting that many candidates test the
        > waters with a book first. Just look at Barack Obama,
        > John Edwards or O. J. Simpson.
        >
        > Look at the moral guidance I offer. On faith: “After
        > Jesus was born, the Old Testament basically became a
        > way for Bible publishers to keep their word count
        > up.”
        > On gender: “The sooner we accept the basic
        > differences
        > between men and women, the sooner we can stop
        > arguing
        > about it and start having sex.” On race: “While skin
        > and race are often synonymous, skin cleansing is
        > good,
        > race cleansing is bad.” On the elderly: “They look
        > like lizards.”
        >
        > Our nation is at a Fork in the Road. Some say we
        > should go Left; some say go Right. I say, “Doesn’t
        > this thing have a reverse gear?” Let’s back this
        > country up to a time before there were forks in the
        > road — or even roads. Or forks, for that matter. I
        > want to return to a simpler America where we ate our
        > meat off the end of a sharpened stick.
        >
        > Let me regurgitate: I know why you want me to run,
        > and
        > I hear your clamor. I share Americans’ nostalgia for
        > an era when you not only could tell a man by the cut
        > of his jib, but the jib industry hadn’t yet fled to
        > Guangdong. And I don’t intend to tease you for weeks
        > the way Newt Gingrich did, saying that if his
        > supporters raised $30 million, he would run for
        > president. I would run for 15 million. Cash.
        >
        > Nevertheless, I am not ready to announce yet — even
        > though it’s clear that the voters are desperate for
        > a
        > white, male, middle-aged, Jesus-trumpeting
        > alternative.
        >
        > What do I offer? Hope for the common man. Because I
        > am
        > not the Anointed or the Inevitable. I am just an
        > Average Joe like you — if you have a TV show.
        >
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