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Libertarian candidate's thoughts on tonight's debate

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  • Greg Cannon
    http://werner4governor.statesmanblogs.com/ James Werner - Libertarian For Governor by werner4governor A member of the statesmanblogs.com Community Male |
    Message 1 of 1 , Oct 6, 2006
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      http://werner4governor.statesmanblogs.com/

      James Werner - Libertarian For Governor

      by werner4governor
      A member of the statesmanblogs.com Community

      Male | Austin , TX United States
      James Werner is the Libertarian candidate for Governor
      of Texas.

      Note: The views expressed in this weblog are not
      necessarily those of Austin360.com, Statesman.com or
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      The Great Debate!

      Hey folks - James Werner, Libertarian candidate for
      governor of Texas here.

      So I decided to listen to the debate this evening on
      the radio – that way I wouldn’t be distracted by the
      flickering, two-dimensional images of my opponents.
      Of course I did dress in a slate-gray Joseph Aboud
      suit, a cherry-red Brooks Brothers tie, and a stout
      pair of horsehide wingtips. This formal attire serves
      as my thinking cap, and allows me to feel and
      think…gubernatorially.

      In order to get in the spirit, I also tried to imagine
      what was going on in the television studio in my
      absence.

      It seemed as though Governor Perry was probably
      hunching his shoulders in an effort to keep his tacky
      coif from melting under the hot lights. Meanwhile,
      “Grandma” Strayhorn was dashing back-and-forth across
      the stage looking for her shoes, while Chris (the
      proverbial “deer in the headlights”) Bell blinked
      uncomprehendingly into the cameras. Kinky, of course,
      was whispering to a stage hand, desperately trying to
      finally cop a light for his eternally inert cigar.

      If events transpired otherwise, please feel free to
      update me.

      OK, on to the debate.

      First, let me say that I experienced wild swings of
      emotion during this action-packed hour. I alternated
      from uncontrollable weeping, to great belly laughs, to
      nearly falling out of my chair with intellectual
      exhaustion. Good Lord, WERE THESE PEOPLE SERIOUS??

      Before attacking the individual questions (and in
      order to get something into the hot little hands of my
      sponsors at the Austin American Statesman), I’d like
      to hand out a few awards. They are as follows:

      Most Shocking Moment: And the winner is…KINKY. When
      asked if he would put the border area under martial
      law to control immigration, he responded, “Sure,
      whatever it takes”. This was just fantastic! Kinky
      proposes putting huge swaths of Texas under military
      rule! Man, you just can’t make this stuff up…

      Most Hilarious Response: When asked who the
      president-elect of Mexico was, Grandma replied, “He
      was elected by a very narrow margin.” Jeez, how about
      just saying, “I have no idea – some Mexican guy?”
      Nicely done Carole!

      Most Cringe Inducing Moment: This had to be the
      contest between Grandma and Governor Perry as to who
      would be tougher on sex offenders. Carole suggested,
      “life without parole for first-time offenders.” Perry
      saw her and raised her with his proposal for the
      “death penalty” for repeat offenders. I was expecting
      Chris Bell to chime in with “torture”, and Kinky to
      offer “burning at the stake” as a solution. Hey,
      nothing’s too good for, “our most precious resource.”

      Biggest Fib: Grandma was asked why she had promised
      not to take money from people with tax cases before
      her – and then ended up taking over $100,000 from a
      single contributor with just such a pending case. She
      responded, “I’ve been above the law” (OK, so maybe
      that wasn’t a fib). She then trailed off into a
      discussion about how happy she was to be there,
      answering those questions. She could have just said,
      “I changed my mind. What’s it to you?”

      In close second for this category was Chris Bell’s
      reference to the, “four candidates” for governor.
      Since his campaign was hysterical about my possible
      inclusion in the debate, I have to assume he knows
      that there are five candidates on the ballot for
      governor.

      Best Way to Use Your Own Deficiency Against the Other
      Guy: In his summation, Governor Perry contrasted his
      vision with that of Chris Bell, saying that he (Perry)
      opposed, “larger government”, that “runs…jobs away.”
      Perry’s last budget increased state spending by 19%.
      Does he think Bell would increase spending by 90%?
      Come to think of it…

      Silliest Tagline: I thought there would be more of
      these, but I was disappointed. I have to give it to
      Bell for saying, “I am a serious man with a serious
      plan.” Snicker….

      Most Totally Incomprehensible Gibberish: OK, so this
      is a tough category—there was a lot of
      incomprehensible gibberish. But I have to give it to
      Chris Bell. When asked about his proposal to grant
      residency to undocumented workers, he responded, “I
      stood up to Tom Delay!” Huh?

      Strangest Recurrent Theme: Everyone—from my opponents
      to the assembled journalists kept babbling on about
      the great trauma of a “foreign company” building a
      highway in Texas. What’s the deal with this? Are we
      afraid that we’re going to be invaded by Spain??
      C’mon y’all—as long as their money’s green (or
      whatever damn color money is these days) we should
      welcome them! The Trans Texas Corridor is another
      matter…

      Most Interesting Observation: Kinky gets this one for
      letting us know that he does not use the Internet
      because it is, “The work of Satan.”

      More to follow...

      Posted 10.6.2006 4:19:58 PM

      As the only ballot-certified candidate for governor to
      be excluded from the gubernatorial debate this Friday,
      I've agreed to blog my answers to each of the debate
      questions for the Statesman. These answers will
      appear following the debate itself on Friday.

      And you can bet that my remarks will be more
      interesting than the tired answers of the mainstream
      candidates!

      Additionally, stay tuned for details on our
      multi-million dollar lawsuit against the Belo
      Corporation for their alleged illegal corporate
      campaign contribution to my competitors.

      Posted 10.5.2006 8:43:14 AM
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