CULTIVATE THE CYCLE OF UPLIFTING COMMUNICATION by Sasha Lessin, Ph.D.
- CULTIVATE THE CYCLE OF UPLIFTING COMMUNICATION by Sasha Lessin, Ph.D.
[Based on Hampton-Turner, C., 1981, Radical Man.]
Learn the cybernetic model. The cybernetic model of mutually-
enhancing communication between lovers is a feedback model. In this
model, honest communication improves relationships.
When you confront your lovers and take to heart what they
say, you help each other grow. You feel loved and make your choices
based on love. You accept, adore, cooperate and share more. The
more you share, the more you develop judgment, competence and
individuality and actively show these to your beloveds, who lovingly
yet honestly share reactions. Use this feedback to raise your
consciousness so you perceive with greater clarity, develop your
individuality further and make better choices.
Commit to lovers whom you accept, who lovingly challenge and
who enhance you.
Challenge is critical; in the heat of intense, authentic
emotional confrontation you give each other the feedback each of you
needs to understand how you affect each other, the feedback you need
to become a more loving person.
You risk your vulnerability with lovers you commit tothey
could reject or accept you and your growth. Stop seeing things only
your way and open to their opinions. Care about their development.
Learn from each other, cooperate, and make ever-more growth-
enhancing choices, based on the loving energy you share. Embrace the
cycle with lovers and raise your sophistication as you learn from
their experience and feedback. Your growth simultaneously
contributes to their growth. As you mature from their feedback, you
can give the greater love, acceptance, cooperation and feedback they
You and they grow when you cultivate the cybernetic
communication cycle. You spiral up when you let each other go
separate directions. Care about each other's growth. Confront and
take to heart what you each say. Help each other grow. Feel loved
and make your choices based on love. Accept, adore, cooperate and
Develop judgment, competence and individuality and actively
show these to your lovers, who lovingly yet honestly shares
reactions. Use this feedback to raise your consciousness so you
perceive with greater clarity, develop your individuality further and
make better choices.
Your growth simultaneously contributes to theirs. As you
mature from thir feedback, you can give the greater love, acceptance,
cooperation and feedback they need. Each time you both complete a
cycle--choice, commitment, vulnerability, encouragement, synergistic
learning and use of each other's reactions--you raise your
In the exercises to follow, you and your beloveds experience
each of the steps in the communication cycle. You learn to choose,
see, feel and enjoy each other, assert yourselves, know you can
share. You commit and risk; let love affect each of you. You
celebrate your individuality, similarity and universality. Cooperate
and encourage each other to learn and grow by just completing the
sentences. All-in-all, the exercises and the communication cycle
teach you to use each other's views to better yourself and mutually
To start the cycle, lover each say to each other:
"I love you."
"I want you as my lover."
"I'm glad I'm your beloved."
"I want a great relationship with you."
"I want mutually delightful sexual relations with
SEE, FEEL, ENJOY
Sharpen your awareness lest you dull yourself. Understand and
value the other as contradictory, multi-faceted and complex. Tolerate
and sympathize; be reasonable and sensitive. Love while you see and
accept each other's flaws.
Seek to know each other, but avoid prying. Show respectful
regard for each other, neither indifference nor interrogation.
Share your changing opinions with your beloveds, even if it's
risky. The alternative is to say what you think the others want to
hear. The cost of that is they can relate only to your lies. Inside,
you feel unknown and unloved. And you torture yourself for lying.
KNOW YOU CAN SHARE
You can cheer your dears with words. Or do the opposite. Some
kind, gentle words cost you little and mean a lot.
Get involved with, care about and commit to your sweethearts.
Say what you see. Help your darlings grow. And grow up.
Say to each, "Beloved, I commit to your well-being and
growth." "I support you in your goals."
RISK: LET YOUR LOVE AFFECT YOU
Declare your ideas, especially about yourself. Let your
intimates influence what you think and do. Bend, adapt, and trust.
Weigh the risk of sharing against the return of more intimacy. Share
only when each of you both feel trust.
Finish this sentence with each other as many times as you can:
"You don't know I ..."
What do you dread divulging? Magnify your fear and finish
"I have secrets so bad that if you knew you'd ..."
If your lovers can cope with those, complete these:
"It's hardest to tell you..."
"I risk our relation by revealing ..."
CELEBRATE YOU'RE SINGULAR, SIMILAR & SAME
When you tell the truth, you and your lovers learn you're
different, similar and just alike. Singular, similar, and the same.
Delight in your differences. Similarities let you feel close. Your
sameness is your spiritual unity, the wholeness of parts joining.
Complete to each other:
"We vary in these ways ..."
"I enjoy these differences ..."
"I see us similar inasmuch as we each ..."
"I identify with you when ..."
"Our souls connect when ..."
GROW ENCOURAGING EACH OTHER
Find new meanings together. Reach out to help each other meet
needs. Encounter with care and mutual respect. Recognize you are each
equal to the other. When you help your darlings develop, you grow.
You flower when you tell your thoughts and express your emotions that
help the others mature.
Say to each, "Sweetheart, I think your strengths are ..."
Then switch. Your partners say their assessment of your
Say to each, "If you stimulate these strengths, five years
from now you'll ..." (Complete.)
LEARN FROM EACH OTHER
Understand and artfully affirm each other. Stop submitting.
Don't dominate. Learn from your lovers that you're more than you
Complete with each other: "The most valuable thing for you to
know about yourself and how you affect me is ..."
Tell each other, "Let's work together and both gain ..."
"Here's how to sexually satisfy me better..." (finish, show
"How can I satisfy you better sexually?" Then do it.
USE YOUR DARLING'S VIEW FOR A BETTER YOU: INTEGRATE FEEDBACK
Mull your lovers' messages and you mature. Complete to each
"When I first saw you, I thought ..."
"Now I see you as ..."
"You've made me aware that to you I seem ..."
MUTUALLY MAKE MORE
The following brings it all home. Hold hands; look
successively in each of your lovers' eyes. Take turns completing the
"How I choose to relate to you is..."
"These are the patterns we practice..."
"With you I'm ..."
"I savor these six successes sharing with you ..."
"I'm honest and caring with you when I use these skills ..."
"I promise you ..."
"I let you affect my attitudes when ..."
"I care for you in a way you can feel when ..."
"You reach out, contacting me when you ..."
"I feel known and encouraged when you ..."
TRY SOME OF THESE EXERCISES AND LET US KNOW ON THIS SITE HOW THEY
HELP YOUR RELATIONSHIPS