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Re: [patriotzip] NPC - A Little Airline Humor

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  • John Warren
    George, As a frequent business traveler I can attest to many of those sayings, but the best one isn t mentioned: After a rather brutal landing I asked the
    Message 1 of 5 , Sep 4, 2002
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      George,

      As a frequent business traveler I can attest to many
      of those sayings, but the best one isn't mentioned:

      After a rather brutal landing I asked the pilot on the
      way out of the plane "was that a landing or a mid air
      collision with earth?"


      --- George R <patsfangr@...> wrote:
      > ***** I'm not sure that I believe that all of these
      > actually happened,
      > but, in any case, some of them are hilarious.
      >
      > All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to
      > make the in-flight
      > "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit
      > more entertaining.
      > Here are some real examples that have been heard or
      > reported:
      >
      > On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight
      > attendant crew, the
      > pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached
      > cruising altitude and
      > will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for
      > your comfort and to
      > enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
      >
      > On a Southwest Airline Flight the Flight Attendant
      > said "There may be
      > fifty ways to leave your lover but there are only
      > six ways to get out
      > of this aircraft. So please pay attention."
      >
      > On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to
      > take all your
      > belongings. If you're going to leave anything,
      > please make sure it's
      > something we'd like to have."
      >
      > "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
      > hope you enjoyed
      > giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking
      > you for a ride."
      >
      > As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
      > Washington's Ronald
      > Regan National, a lone voice came over the
      > loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
      > fella. WHOA!"
      >
      > After a particularly rough landing during
      > thunderstorms in Memphis, a
      > flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,
      > "Please take care
      > when
      > opening the overhead compartments because, after a
      > landing like that,
      > sure as hell everything has shifted."
      >
      > From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard
      > Southwest Flight
      > XXX
      > to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal
      > tab into the
      > buckle,
      > and pull tight. It works just like every other seat
      > belt; and, if you
      > don't know how to operate one, you probably
      > shouldn't be out in public
      > unsupervised."
      >
      > In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
      > masks will descend
      > from
      > the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull
      > it over your face.
      > If you have a small child traveling with you, secure
      > your mask before
      > assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with
      > more than one small
      > child pick your favorite.
      >
      > Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some
      > broken clouds, but
      > we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank
      > you, and remember,
      > nobody loves you, or your money, more than southwest
      > Airlines."
      >
      > "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and,
      > in the event of an
      > emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and
      > take them with our
      > compliments."
      >
      > Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks the
      > overhead area. Please
      > place the bag over your own mouth and nose before
      > assisting children...
      > or other adults acting like children."
      >
      > "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of
      > your belongings.
      > Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
      > among the flight
      > attendants. Please do not leave children or
      > spouses."
      >
      > And from the pilot during his welcome message:
      > "Delta Airlines is
      > pleased to have some of the best flight attendants
      > in the industry.
      > Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
      >
      > Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard
      > landing in Salt Lake
      > City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and
      > said, "That was
      > quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking.
      > I'm here to tell you
      > it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's
      > fault, it wasn't
      > the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"
      >
      > Overheard on an American Airlines flight into
      > Amarillo, Texas, on a
      > particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final
      > approach, the
      > Captain was really having to fight it. After an
      > extremely hard landing,
      > the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
      > welcome to Amarillo.
      > Please remain in your seats with your seat belts
      > fastened while the
      > Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the
      > gate!"
      >
      > Another flight attendant's comment on a less than
      > perfect landing: "We
      > ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
      > bounces us to the
      > terminal."
      >
      > An airline pilot wrote that on this particular
      > flight he had hammered
      > his ship into the runway really hard. The airline
      > had a policy which
      > required the first officer to stand at the door
      > while the Passengers
      > exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying
      > XYZ airline." He said
      > that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard
      > time looking the
      > passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
      > have a smart
      > comment.
      > Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little
      > old lady walking
      > with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a
      > question?" "Why no
      > Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old
      > lady said, "Did we
      > land or were we shot down?"
      >
      > After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the
      > Flight Attendant came
      > on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in
      > your seats until Capt.
      > Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a
      > screeching halt
      > against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has
      > cleared and the warning
      > bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can
      > pick your way
      > through the wreckage to the terminal."
      >
      > Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
      > "We'd like to thank
      > you folks for flying with us today. And, the next
      > time you get the
      > insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
      > pressurized metal
      > tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
      >
      > A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After
      > it reached a
      > comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
      > announcement over
      > the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your
      > captain speaking.
      > Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York
      > to Los Angeles. The
      > weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have
      > a smooth and
      > uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY
      > GOD!"
      >
      >
      > Silence followed and after a few minutes, the
      > captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies
      > and Gentlemen, I am
      > so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was
      > talking, the flight
      > attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the
      > hot coffee in my
      > lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A
      > passenger in Coach
      > said,"That's nothing. He should see the back of
      > mine!
      >
      === message truncated ===


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    • George R
      ... ===== George 665 + 36 = ** World Champion N E Patriots ** __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Yahoo! Finance - Get real-time
      Message 2 of 5 , Sep 4, 2002
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        --- John Warren <packy001@...> wrote:
        > George,
        >
        > As a frequent business traveler I can attest to many
        > of those sayings, but the best one isn't mentioned:
        >
        > After a rather brutal landing I asked the pilot on the
        > way out of the plane "was that a landing or a mid air
        > collision with earth?"

        ***** My favorite was the one close to that:

        >
        > > An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
        > > hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline
        > > had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door
        > > while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for
        > > flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he
        > > had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that
        > > someone would have a smart comment.
        > > Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little
        > > old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a
        > > question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
        > > The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"


        =====
        George 665 + 36 =
        ** World Champion N E Patriots **

        __________________________________________________
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      • Patti Hayes
        Thank you George, I laughed out loud! Patti ... _________________________________________________________________ MSN Photos is the easiest way to share and
        Message 3 of 5 , Sep 4, 2002
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          Thank you George, I laughed out loud!
          Patti


          >From: George R <patsfangr@...>
          >Reply-To: patriotzip@yahoogroups.com
          >To: Patriots List <patriots@...>, Zip List
          ><patriotzip@yahoogroups.com>
          >Subject: [patriotzip] NPC - A Little Airline Humor
          >Date: Wed, 4 Sep 2002 10:20:02 -0700 (PDT)
          >
          >***** I'm not sure that I believe that all of these actually happened,
          >but, in any case, some of them are hilarious.
          >
          >All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
          >"safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
          >Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
          >
          >On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
          >pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and
          >will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
          >enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
          >
          >On a Southwest Airline Flight the Flight Attendant said "There may be
          >fifty ways to leave your lover but there are only six ways to get out
          >of this aircraft. So please pay attention."
          >
          >On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your
          >belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
          >something we'd like to have."
          >
          >"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
          >giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
          >
          >As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington's Ronald
          >Regan National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
          >fella. WHOA!"
          >
          >After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
          >flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care
          >when
          >opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
          >sure as hell everything has shifted."
          >
          >From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
          >XXX
          >to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
          >buckle,
          >and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you
          >don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
          >unsupervised."
          >
          >In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
          >from
          >the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
          >If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
          >assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small
          >child pick your favorite.
          >
          >Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
          >we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
          >nobody loves you, or your money, more than southwest Airlines."
          >
          >"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
          >emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
          >compliments."
          >
          >Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks the overhead area. Please
          >place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children...
          >or other adults acting like children."
          >
          >"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
          >Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
          >attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
          >
          >And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
          >pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
          >Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
          >
          >Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
          >City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
          >quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you
          >it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't
          >the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"
          >
          >Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
          >particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
          >Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing,
          >the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
          >Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
          >Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
          >
          >Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
          >ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
          >terminal."
          >
          >An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
          >his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
          >required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers
          >exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said
          >that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
          >passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
          >comment.
          >Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking
          >with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no
          >Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we
          >land or were we shot down?"
          >
          >After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came
          >on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
          >Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
          >against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
          >bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
          >through the wreckage to the terminal."
          >
          >Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
          >you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
          >insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
          >tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
          >
          >A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
          >comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
          >the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
          >Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The
          >weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
          >uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!"
          >
          >
          >Silence followed and after a few minutes, the
          >captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am
          >so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight
          >attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my
          >lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach
          >said,"That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >=====
          >George 665 + 36 =
          >** World Champion N E Patriots **
          >
          >__________________________________________________
          >Do You Yahoo!?
          >Yahoo! Finance - Get real-time stock quotes
          >http://finance.yahoo.com




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        • Bob George
          Southwest Airlines is great with this stuff. Once on a flight from Phoenix to Washington, they took this roll of toilet paper and rolled it out the entire
          Message 4 of 5 , Sep 4, 2002
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            Southwest Airlines is great with this stuff. Once on a flight from Phoenix
            to Washington, they took this roll of toilet paper and rolled it out the
            entire length of the fuselage, from the toilet in the rear to the door to
            the cockpit. They got on the PA and advised the passengers to keep their
            eye on the toilet paper in the aisle. Then they put the end near the toilet
            into the toilet, then hit the flush button. The long section of toilet
            paper went SWISH! to the back of the aircraft in about a tenth of a second
            and down the toilet. I laughed my ass off, something that was really
            welcome since I was on my way to my dad's funeral.

            Bravo Herb Kelleher,

            Bob G
            > >On a Southwest Airline Flight the Flight Attendant said "There may be
            > >fifty ways to leave your lover but there are only six ways to get out
            > >of this aircraft. So please pay attention."
            > >
            > >On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your
            > >belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
            > >something we'd like to have."
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