Loading ...
Sorry, an error occurred while loading the content.

NPC - A Little Airline Humor

Expand Messages
  • George R
    ***** I m not sure that I believe that all of these actually happened, but, in any case, some of them are hilarious. All too rarely, airline attendants make an
    Message 1 of 5 , Sep 4, 2002
    • 0 Attachment
      ***** I'm not sure that I believe that all of these actually happened,
      but, in any case, some of them are hilarious.

      All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
      "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
      Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

      On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
      pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and
      will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
      enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

      On a Southwest Airline Flight the Flight Attendant said "There may be
      fifty ways to leave your lover but there are only six ways to get out
      of this aircraft. So please pay attention."

      On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your
      belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
      something we'd like to have."

      "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
      giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

      As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington's Ronald
      Regan National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
      fella. WHOA!"

      After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
      flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care
      when
      opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
      sure as hell everything has shifted."

      From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
      XXX
      to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
      buckle,
      and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you
      don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
      unsupervised."

      In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
      from
      the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
      If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
      assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small
      child pick your favorite.

      Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
      we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
      nobody loves you, or your money, more than southwest Airlines."

      "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
      emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
      compliments."

      Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks the overhead area. Please
      place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children...
      or other adults acting like children."

      "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
      Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
      attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

      And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
      pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
      Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

      Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
      City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
      quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you
      it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't
      the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"

      Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
      particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
      Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing,
      the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
      Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
      Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

      Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
      ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
      terminal."

      An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
      his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
      required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers
      exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said
      that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
      passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
      comment.
      Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking
      with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no
      Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we
      land or were we shot down?"

      After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came
      on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
      Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
      against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
      bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
      through the wreckage to the terminal."

      Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
      you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
      insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
      tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

      A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
      comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
      the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
      Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The
      weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
      uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!"


      Silence followed and after a few minutes, the
      captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am
      so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight
      attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my
      lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach
      said,"That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!




      =====
      George 665 + 36 =
      ** World Champion N E Patriots **

      __________________________________________________
      Do You Yahoo!?
      Yahoo! Finance - Get real-time stock quotes
      http://finance.yahoo.com
    • John Warren
      George, As a frequent business traveler I can attest to many of those sayings, but the best one isn t mentioned: After a rather brutal landing I asked the
      Message 2 of 5 , Sep 4, 2002
      • 0 Attachment
        George,

        As a frequent business traveler I can attest to many
        of those sayings, but the best one isn't mentioned:

        After a rather brutal landing I asked the pilot on the
        way out of the plane "was that a landing or a mid air
        collision with earth?"


        --- George R <patsfangr@...> wrote:
        > ***** I'm not sure that I believe that all of these
        > actually happened,
        > but, in any case, some of them are hilarious.
        >
        > All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to
        > make the in-flight
        > "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit
        > more entertaining.
        > Here are some real examples that have been heard or
        > reported:
        >
        > On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight
        > attendant crew, the
        > pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached
        > cruising altitude and
        > will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for
        > your comfort and to
        > enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
        >
        > On a Southwest Airline Flight the Flight Attendant
        > said "There may be
        > fifty ways to leave your lover but there are only
        > six ways to get out
        > of this aircraft. So please pay attention."
        >
        > On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to
        > take all your
        > belongings. If you're going to leave anything,
        > please make sure it's
        > something we'd like to have."
        >
        > "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
        > hope you enjoyed
        > giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking
        > you for a ride."
        >
        > As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
        > Washington's Ronald
        > Regan National, a lone voice came over the
        > loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
        > fella. WHOA!"
        >
        > After a particularly rough landing during
        > thunderstorms in Memphis, a
        > flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,
        > "Please take care
        > when
        > opening the overhead compartments because, after a
        > landing like that,
        > sure as hell everything has shifted."
        >
        > From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard
        > Southwest Flight
        > XXX
        > to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal
        > tab into the
        > buckle,
        > and pull tight. It works just like every other seat
        > belt; and, if you
        > don't know how to operate one, you probably
        > shouldn't be out in public
        > unsupervised."
        >
        > In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
        > masks will descend
        > from
        > the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull
        > it over your face.
        > If you have a small child traveling with you, secure
        > your mask before
        > assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with
        > more than one small
        > child pick your favorite.
        >
        > Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some
        > broken clouds, but
        > we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank
        > you, and remember,
        > nobody loves you, or your money, more than southwest
        > Airlines."
        >
        > "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and,
        > in the event of an
        > emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and
        > take them with our
        > compliments."
        >
        > Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks the
        > overhead area. Please
        > place the bag over your own mouth and nose before
        > assisting children...
        > or other adults acting like children."
        >
        > "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of
        > your belongings.
        > Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
        > among the flight
        > attendants. Please do not leave children or
        > spouses."
        >
        > And from the pilot during his welcome message:
        > "Delta Airlines is
        > pleased to have some of the best flight attendants
        > in the industry.
        > Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
        >
        > Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard
        > landing in Salt Lake
        > City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and
        > said, "That was
        > quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking.
        > I'm here to tell you
        > it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's
        > fault, it wasn't
        > the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"
        >
        > Overheard on an American Airlines flight into
        > Amarillo, Texas, on a
        > particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final
        > approach, the
        > Captain was really having to fight it. After an
        > extremely hard landing,
        > the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
        > welcome to Amarillo.
        > Please remain in your seats with your seat belts
        > fastened while the
        > Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the
        > gate!"
        >
        > Another flight attendant's comment on a less than
        > perfect landing: "We
        > ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
        > bounces us to the
        > terminal."
        >
        > An airline pilot wrote that on this particular
        > flight he had hammered
        > his ship into the runway really hard. The airline
        > had a policy which
        > required the first officer to stand at the door
        > while the Passengers
        > exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying
        > XYZ airline." He said
        > that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard
        > time looking the
        > passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
        > have a smart
        > comment.
        > Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little
        > old lady walking
        > with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a
        > question?" "Why no
        > Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old
        > lady said, "Did we
        > land or were we shot down?"
        >
        > After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the
        > Flight Attendant came
        > on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in
        > your seats until Capt.
        > Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a
        > screeching halt
        > against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has
        > cleared and the warning
        > bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can
        > pick your way
        > through the wreckage to the terminal."
        >
        > Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
        > "We'd like to thank
        > you folks for flying with us today. And, the next
        > time you get the
        > insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
        > pressurized metal
        > tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
        >
        > A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After
        > it reached a
        > comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
        > announcement over
        > the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your
        > captain speaking.
        > Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York
        > to Los Angeles. The
        > weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have
        > a smooth and
        > uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY
        > GOD!"
        >
        >
        > Silence followed and after a few minutes, the
        > captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies
        > and Gentlemen, I am
        > so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was
        > talking, the flight
        > attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the
        > hot coffee in my
        > lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A
        > passenger in Coach
        > said,"That's nothing. He should see the back of
        > mine!
        >
        === message truncated ===


        __________________________________________________
        Do You Yahoo!?
        Yahoo! Finance - Get real-time stock quotes
        http://finance.yahoo.com
      • George R
        ... ===== George 665 + 36 = ** World Champion N E Patriots ** __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Yahoo! Finance - Get real-time
        Message 3 of 5 , Sep 4, 2002
        • 0 Attachment
          --- John Warren <packy001@...> wrote:
          > George,
          >
          > As a frequent business traveler I can attest to many
          > of those sayings, but the best one isn't mentioned:
          >
          > After a rather brutal landing I asked the pilot on the
          > way out of the plane "was that a landing or a mid air
          > collision with earth?"

          ***** My favorite was the one close to that:

          >
          > > An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
          > > hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline
          > > had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door
          > > while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for
          > > flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he
          > > had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that
          > > someone would have a smart comment.
          > > Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little
          > > old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a
          > > question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
          > > The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"


          =====
          George 665 + 36 =
          ** World Champion N E Patriots **

          __________________________________________________
          Do You Yahoo!?
          Yahoo! Finance - Get real-time stock quotes
          http://finance.yahoo.com
        • Patti Hayes
          Thank you George, I laughed out loud! Patti ... _________________________________________________________________ MSN Photos is the easiest way to share and
          Message 4 of 5 , Sep 4, 2002
          • 0 Attachment
            Thank you George, I laughed out loud!
            Patti


            >From: George R <patsfangr@...>
            >Reply-To: patriotzip@yahoogroups.com
            >To: Patriots List <patriots@...>, Zip List
            ><patriotzip@yahoogroups.com>
            >Subject: [patriotzip] NPC - A Little Airline Humor
            >Date: Wed, 4 Sep 2002 10:20:02 -0700 (PDT)
            >
            >***** I'm not sure that I believe that all of these actually happened,
            >but, in any case, some of them are hilarious.
            >
            >All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
            >"safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
            >Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
            >
            >On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
            >pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and
            >will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
            >enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
            >
            >On a Southwest Airline Flight the Flight Attendant said "There may be
            >fifty ways to leave your lover but there are only six ways to get out
            >of this aircraft. So please pay attention."
            >
            >On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your
            >belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
            >something we'd like to have."
            >
            >"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
            >giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
            >
            >As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington's Ronald
            >Regan National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
            >fella. WHOA!"
            >
            >After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
            >flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care
            >when
            >opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
            >sure as hell everything has shifted."
            >
            >From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
            >XXX
            >to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
            >buckle,
            >and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you
            >don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
            >unsupervised."
            >
            >In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
            >from
            >the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
            >If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
            >assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small
            >child pick your favorite.
            >
            >Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
            >we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
            >nobody loves you, or your money, more than southwest Airlines."
            >
            >"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
            >emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
            >compliments."
            >
            >Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks the overhead area. Please
            >place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children...
            >or other adults acting like children."
            >
            >"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
            >Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
            >attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
            >
            >And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
            >pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
            >Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
            >
            >Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
            >City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
            >quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you
            >it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't
            >the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"
            >
            >Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
            >particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
            >Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing,
            >the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
            >Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
            >Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
            >
            >Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
            >ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
            >terminal."
            >
            >An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
            >his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
            >required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers
            >exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said
            >that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
            >passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
            >comment.
            >Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking
            >with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no
            >Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we
            >land or were we shot down?"
            >
            >After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came
            >on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
            >Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
            >against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
            >bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
            >through the wreckage to the terminal."
            >
            >Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
            >you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
            >insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
            >tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
            >
            >A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
            >comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
            >the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
            >Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The
            >weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
            >uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!"
            >
            >
            >Silence followed and after a few minutes, the
            >captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am
            >so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight
            >attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my
            >lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach
            >said,"That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!
            >
            >
            >
            >
            >=====
            >George 665 + 36 =
            >** World Champion N E Patriots **
            >
            >__________________________________________________
            >Do You Yahoo!?
            >Yahoo! Finance - Get real-time stock quotes
            >http://finance.yahoo.com




            _________________________________________________________________
            MSN Photos is the easiest way to share and print your photos:
            http://photos.msn.com/support/worldwide.aspx
          • Bob George
            Southwest Airlines is great with this stuff. Once on a flight from Phoenix to Washington, they took this roll of toilet paper and rolled it out the entire
            Message 5 of 5 , Sep 4, 2002
            • 0 Attachment
              Southwest Airlines is great with this stuff. Once on a flight from Phoenix
              to Washington, they took this roll of toilet paper and rolled it out the
              entire length of the fuselage, from the toilet in the rear to the door to
              the cockpit. They got on the PA and advised the passengers to keep their
              eye on the toilet paper in the aisle. Then they put the end near the toilet
              into the toilet, then hit the flush button. The long section of toilet
              paper went SWISH! to the back of the aircraft in about a tenth of a second
              and down the toilet. I laughed my ass off, something that was really
              welcome since I was on my way to my dad's funeral.

              Bravo Herb Kelleher,

              Bob G
              > >On a Southwest Airline Flight the Flight Attendant said "There may be
              > >fifty ways to leave your lover but there are only six ways to get out
              > >of this aircraft. So please pay attention."
              > >
              > >On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your
              > >belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
              > >something we'd like to have."
            Your message has been successfully submitted and would be delivered to recipients shortly.