USDA Pipe Dreams
"To hell with the truth! As the history of the world
proves, the truth has no bearing on anything. It's
irrelevant and immaterial, as the lawyers say. The
lie of a pipe dream is what gives life to the whole
misbegotten mad lot of us, drunk or sober."
- Eugene O'Neill, The Iceman Cometh
* * * *
California is suffering its driest drought in
the past 500 years of recorded history.
USDA's Dan Glickman has a pipe dream representing
America's newest night terror.
Will the United States Department of Agriculture (USDA)
bill American taxpayers eleventy-nine zillion dollars
to construct a water pipeline from the number-one dairy
cow-dense county in America, Tulare, California, to New
York's Great Lake Eerie? Now, that would represent
Superior planning! Lake Erie contains 116 cubic miles of
water, and there are 1.1 trillion gallons of water in
a cubic mile, so that piping Lake Erie to Tulare county
would deliver about 128 trillion gallons of water and
would immediately put an end to California's drought.
Now, that is a made-to-water Glickmannish pipe dream!
On July 19, 2014, Secretary of USDA Dan Glickman wrote:
"This week, I visited the small town of Cameron Creek Colony
in Tulare County, California and saw firsthand the challenges
drought poses, particularly for those living in rural communities.
About 10 percent of Cameron Creek Colony residents have no access
to water because their wells have run dry."
Imagine that you own a home one acre of property, and have
drilled a well to satisfy the water needs of all who live there.
Now, imagine that you share your property with 65 cows. That
is the average per-acre density of bovines in Tulare county.
In his duh moment, Glickman ignores one reason why Tulare's
wells have run dry. Tulare county is home to 464,000 cows,
each one drinking an average of 30 of gallons of water per
day while producing an average of 6 gallons of milk per day.
(Imagine 14 million gallon jugs of water each day; 5 billion
per year). For those children adept at reciting the alphabet
(USDA employees are excluded here), the difference of 24
gallons per cow can be found midway between the letters "o"
and "q". Such dark yellow solutions do not make for
thirst-tempting well water.
Glickman once worked for NASA as a rocket scientist whose
expertise was analyzing how to pump water from Ganymede to
the surface of Jupiter without hitting one of Saturn's rings
before moistening the far side of Uranus.
"Fortunately, USDA is able to help this community, and 73,000
residents living in other communities across California, through
$9.7 million in grants to help other rural California communities
that have experienced a significant decline in the quantity or
quality of drinking water due to an emergency. The nearby city of
Farmersville, California is receiving a $500,000 USDA grant to
construct pipelines connecting Cameron Creek Colony to the
Farmersville water main and linking residents to the city water
system...These grants are triple the amount we committed to when
President Obama and I visited California in February..."
One day, a successor to Glickman might recognize the inefficiency
of animal agriculture which depletes underground water resources
faster than a hot day in Hades county, California. I have driven
my car through Tulare. Even with the windows closed and the air
conditioning on high, the stench was worse than I ever imagined
could be the odor of rotting flesh comprising hell's atmosphere.
* * * *
"Hateful to me as the gates of Hades is that man
who hides one thing in his heart and speaks another."
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