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Groundhog's 2014 Super Bowl Appearance

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  • cohensmilk1
    Groundhog Day 2014 State Trooper: Pal, you got that moisture on your head. Now you can go back to Punxsutawney, or you can go ahead and freeze to death. It s
    Message 1 of 1 , Feb 2, 2014

      Groundhog Day 2014

      State Trooper: "Pal, you got that moisture on your
      head. Now you can go back to Punxsutawney, or you
      can go ahead and freeze to death. It's your choice.
      So what's it gonna be?"
      - Bill Murray: [pauses] "I'm thinking."
      - Groundhog Day

      *     *     *     *

      The January 14, 2014 issue of the Journal of
      Biotechnology reports a Groundhog experiment
      in which hellish conditions were created by
      Chinese scientists at the microbiology lab of
      Heilongjiang University in Harbin, China. Scientists
      combined portions of the woodchuck hepatitis
      virus with green fluorescence proteins and
      created groundhogs that could forever see their
      own ghoulish shadows. Hopefully, that is not
      what spectators witness today in Punxsutawney,

      As today's column is being composed, people standing in
      Gobblers Knob awaiting the appearance of a groundhog
      named Phil are trying to stay warm in 18 degree
      temperatures with real-feel temperatures around zero.
      There will be light snow and Phil might not see his shadow,
      but that would mean winter is finally over. New Jersey
      temperatures will soar into the 50s, for a nice Spring-like
      Super Bowl Day. Twelve hours of pre-game coverage will
      begin at 6AM by the FOX television network. There
      is an option for television viewers.

      Millions of people unable to attend today's ceremony
      can watch the best romantic comedy ever made. From
      Staten Island to Saddle Brook, from Oshkosh to Savannah,
      folks will be treated to the Groundhog day film every 2.5
      hours on the AMC channel beginning at 10 AM, EST. The
      movie is brilliantly entertaining. I may watch it more
      than once.

      It has not been a peaceful hibernation for north
      of the Border groundhogs. Canadian scientists at
      the Molecular Virology and Hepatology Research
      Group, Division of Biomedical Sciences, Memorial
      University, St. John's, Newfoundland have been
      injecting these gentle creatures with multiple
      doses of hepatitis virus, just for the heck of it.

      Their research was published in the January, 2013
      issue of The Journal of Virology. The groundhogs
      were healthy before being exposed to scientists
      with evil intent. In their scientific abstract,
      the researchers refer to their experimental
      subjects and method this way:

      "Virus-naïve animals were intravenously injected
      with 6 weekly doses..."

      There will be no more winters or springs for these
      Canadian groundhogs.

      It has also been a brutal winter for Punxsutawney Phil.
      The weather has been wonderful, but little snow means
      that Phil's been awake, and his handlers delight in
      feeding Phil ice cream, a not-so natural rodent food.

      Two hours from now at approximately 7:20 AM, a
      groundhog will trek to Gobbler's Notch to make his
      official weather forecast. Today's celebration will
      mark the 128th consecutive year that Groundhog Day
      has been celebrated in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania.

      Come sunshine, rain, or snow, the groundhog's keeper
      has assured us that their little rodent will see some
      sort of shadow due to his enormously fattened bulk,
      even though it's cloudy and snowing lightly in
      Punxsutawney as this message is being posted at about
      3 AM.

      The fix is in. They've been feeding him ice cream
      during the "off season". Phil skipped his usual
      hibernation this year due to the mildest winter in

      This past year, American consumers have been presented
      with the dairy industry argument that consuming dairy
      products helps people to lose weight, which makes
      absolutely no sense, but makes for great press by
      those whose job it is to deceive America into
      consuming milk. 

      On average, groundhogs weigh a little over five pounds
      when they emerge from hibernation in the spring. After
      a summer of eating, September weights can soar to ten
      pounds. The largest wild (free and un-caged) groundhog
      weighed in at fourteen pounds!

      The bigger news has nothing to do with the weather. It's
      why Punxsutawney Phil has become the Holstein cow of
      groundhogs. He's the pig of little furry hibernators. What
      has Phil been munching on all winter while observing his
      dairy-based weight loss program? Ice cream! The root of
      our groundhog's obesity ain't roots. It's dairy!

      Bill Deeley, the local funeral home director who emcees
      Punxsutawney's much-publicized Groundhog Day Festival and
      sees to Phil's needs 365 days out of the year, had this to
      say about Phil's diet:

      "He's naturally a vegetarian. But he loves ice cream and
      strawberry sundaes."

      Phil, the ground-cow, weighs in at 15 pounds and measures
      22 inches in length.

      Could an overweight Phil be due to the powerful growth factors
      in milk and dairy products? Groundhogs should not be eating a
      diet of bovine growth hormones and high calorie-containing
      saturated animal fat. Neither should humans, for that matter.

      So...eyewitnesses will see Phil spring from his burrow and
      report that he saw his own shadow. Winter continues for
      everybody. Easy on the ice cream, or you and Phil might
      look lousy in bathing suits next summer.

      *     *     *     *

      "When Chekhov saw the long winter, he saw a winter bleak and
      dark and bereft of hope. Yet we know that winter is just
      another step in the cycle of life. But standing here among
      the people of Punxsutawney and basking in the warmth of their
      hearths and hearts, I couldn't imagine a better fate than a
      long and lustrous winter."
      - Weatherman Phil Connors, Groundhog Day

      Robert Cohen


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