Loading ...
Sorry, an error occurred while loading the content.

Jerry Seinfeld on Milk & Pizza

Expand Messages
  • Robert
    Jerry Seinfeld on Milk & Pizza I think it s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. - Jerry Seinfeld Since their final episode in 1998, the
    Message 1 of 3 , Jul 16, 2013
    • 0 Attachment
      Jerry Seinfeld on Milk & Pizza

      "I think it's funny to be delicate
      with subjects that are explosive."
      - Jerry Seinfeld

      Since their final episode in 1998, the Jerry
      Seinfeld show has generated more than 3.1
      billion dollars in syndication revenue. That
      adds up to over $500 million each for the
      show's producers, Jerry Seinfeld, and Larry
      David. I find the Notmilk commentaries
      expressed in various episodes to be solid gold!

      * * * * *

      The Jerry Seinfeld show was one of the most
      successful sitcoms in television history.
      TV Guide called the Seinfeld show the number
      one television program of all time.

      Jerry's milk comments:
      ________________________________________________

      Jerry Seinfeld (to kids):
      Hey, look at those large animals in the field!
      Let's go squeeze those things underneath them
      and then drink whatever comes out. Then, let's
      take whatever's left over, put it aside for a
      year or so and - eat it!

      Kids:
      Eeeeew!
      ________________________________________________

      Jerry:

      Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff
      designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT
      happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh,
      man, I can't wait till them calves are done
      so I can get ME a hit of that stuff."
      ________________________________________________

      Jerry:
      Is that it? Ice cream?

      George:
      Thirty-nine years I enjoy my milk
      products, and now I can only pray for
      proper digestion. I'm an old man...

      Jerry:
      An old and bloated man. Lactose intolerance,
      the milk-lover's Wile E. Coyote!

      George:
      Beep beep.

      Kramer:
      I sorta like that full feeling. You
      know, they oughta make foods with a
      whole lotta lactose. Pepperoni-and-
      lactose pizza, lactose sprinkles,
      stuff like that.

      George:
      Are you insane?!

      Jerry:
      Jury's still out on that one. Speaking
      of food, you guys are invited to a
      barbecue thrown by Elaine and her
      new boyfriend.

      George:
      As long as he's not a dairy farmer.
      One look at those cows and I'm musical.

      Kramer:
      Hey, there's a group for you people, you
      know. It's called, uh... Lactose
      Intolerants Anonymous. Yeah, that's it.

      George:
      Really?

      Kramer:
      The L.I.A.
      A whole bunch of 'em, they meet every week
      in that little church on Fifty-Second.

      Jerry:
      Sixty cramping people in one tiny
      room, now there's a situation.
      ________________________________________________

      Jerry:

      Ever have milk the day after? It scares
      the hell out of you.
      ________________________________________________
      George:

      That's okay. That's good. You think Louie
      Pasteur and his wife had anything in common?
      He was in the fields all day with the cows,
      you know with the milk, examining the milk,
      delving into milk, consumed with milk.
      Pasteurization, homogenization...
      ________________________________________________

      Kramer: (to George)

      But what tempts you? You're a portly fellow.
      A bit long in the waistband. So what's your
      pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave?
      No no no no...Yours is a sweet tooth. Oh, you
      may stray, but you'll always return to your dark
      master...The cocoa bean! And only the purest
      syrup nectar can satisfy you. If you could, you'd
      guzzle it by the gallon...Ovaltine!? Hershey's!?
      Nestle's Quick!?
      ________________________________________________

      Seinfeld's routine as performed on the David
      Letterman show:

      Jerry Seinfeld: "I'll tell you what I like about that
      mad cow disease...I like the fact that we're attempting
      to blame it on the cows! They are crazy! They are nuts!
      These cows are out of their minds! Of course the cows are
      thinking 'Oh yeah...You're drinking me, you're eating me,
      you're wearing me, you're sneaking up on me and tipping
      me over.' Yeah, and I'm a little off mentally? That's why
      we're mad! Maybe it's a good thing. Maybe we'll eat a little
      less.

      Everyone in this room is trying to lose a little weight.
      A little...something. Everyone's trying to lose something.
      And not one of you is doing it. I'm not doing it. No one is
      doing it. Not one person is losing weight! Not one! Do you
      think that a possible explanation could be that we are still
      trying to find ways to stuff MORE CHEESE into A PIECE OF
      PIZZA?! We've hollowed out the crust. We hollowed out the
      crust about 3 years ago. Now we're double-layering the
      foundation. I understand they have a new thing coming out...
      They will actually bake your head right into the pizza!
      Pizza Hut. It's called 'Hey Pizza-Face.' And you wear the
      pizza and attempt to eat your way out of it."

      "I like definitive things."
      - Jerry Seinfeld

      Robert Cohen
      http://www.notmilk.com
      http://www.Twitter.com/TheRealNotmilk
    Your message has been successfully submitted and would be delivered to recipients shortly.