Jerry Seinfeld on Milk & Pizza
- Jerry Seinfeld on Milk & Pizza
"I think it's funny to be delicate
with subjects that are explosive."
- Jerry Seinfeld
Since their final episode in 1998, the Jerry
Seinfeld show has generated more than 3.1
billion dollars in syndication revenue. That
adds up to over $500 million each for the
show's producers, Jerry Seinfeld, and Larry
David. I find the Notmilk commentaries
expressed in various episodes to be solid gold!
* * * * *
The Jerry Seinfeld show was one of the most
successful sitcoms in television history.
TV Guide called the Seinfeld show the number
one television program of all time.
Jerry's milk comments:
Jerry Seinfeld (to kids):
Hey, look at those large animals in the field!
Let's go squeeze those things underneath them
and then drink whatever comes out. Then, let's
take whatever's left over, put it aside for a
year or so and - eat it!
Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff
designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT
happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh,
man, I can't wait till them calves are done
so I can get ME a hit of that stuff."
Is that it? Ice cream?
Thirty-nine years I enjoy my milk
products, and now I can only pray for
proper digestion. I'm an old man...
An old and bloated man. Lactose intolerance,
the milk-lover's Wile E. Coyote!
I sorta like that full feeling. You
know, they oughta make foods with a
whole lotta lactose. Pepperoni-and-
lactose pizza, lactose sprinkles,
stuff like that.
Are you insane?!
Jury's still out on that one. Speaking
of food, you guys are invited to a
barbecue thrown by Elaine and her
As long as he's not a dairy farmer.
One look at those cows and I'm musical.
Hey, there's a group for you people, you
know. It's called, uh... Lactose
Intolerants Anonymous. Yeah, that's it.
A whole bunch of 'em, they meet every week
in that little church on Fifty-Second.
Sixty cramping people in one tiny
room, now there's a situation.
Ever have milk the day after? It scares
the hell out of you.
That's okay. That's good. You think Louie
Pasteur and his wife had anything in common?
He was in the fields all day with the cows,
you know with the milk, examining the milk,
delving into milk, consumed with milk.
Kramer: (to George)
But what tempts you? You're a portly fellow.
A bit long in the waistband. So what's your
pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave?
No no no no...Yours is a sweet tooth. Oh, you
may stray, but you'll always return to your dark
master...The cocoa bean! And only the purest
syrup nectar can satisfy you. If you could, you'd
guzzle it by the gallon...Ovaltine!? Hershey's!?
Seinfeld's routine as performed on the David
Jerry Seinfeld: "I'll tell you what I like about that
mad cow disease...I like the fact that we're attempting
to blame it on the cows! They are crazy! They are nuts!
These cows are out of their minds! Of course the cows are
thinking 'Oh yeah...You're drinking me, you're eating me,
you're wearing me, you're sneaking up on me and tipping
me over.' Yeah, and I'm a little off mentally? That's why
we're mad! Maybe it's a good thing. Maybe we'll eat a little
Everyone in this room is trying to lose a little weight.
A little...something. Everyone's trying to lose something.
And not one of you is doing it. I'm not doing it. No one is
doing it. Not one person is losing weight! Not one! Do you
think that a possible explanation could be that we are still
trying to find ways to stuff MORE CHEESE into A PIECE OF
PIZZA?! We've hollowed out the crust. We hollowed out the
crust about 3 years ago. Now we're double-layering the
foundation. I understand they have a new thing coming out...
They will actually bake your head right into the pizza!
Pizza Hut. It's called 'Hey Pizza-Face.' And you wear the
pizza and attempt to eat your way out of it."
"I like definitive things."
- Jerry Seinfeld