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Perspective: Bush Liberates Europe!

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    NHNE News List Current Members: 719 Subscribe/unsubscribe/archive info at the bottom of this message. ... BUSH LIBERATES EUROPE! By Erik H. Thoreson Quoted on
    Message 1 of 1 , Oct 15, 2002
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      BUSH LIBERATES EUROPE!
      By Erik H. Thoreson
      Quoted on The Schwartz Report Website
      Tuesday, October 15, 2002

      http://www.schwartzreport.net/

      With the publication of President Bush's statement of strategic priorities,
      a euphoric outburst of gleeful anticipation is sweeping across Europe.
      America intends to make our world "not just safer but better" -- an action
      that will be "sustained by faith in the principles of liberty and the value
      of a free society." Bush intends "to extend the benefits of liberty and
      prosperity through the spread of American values and tangible rewards for
      good governance." Discussion and speculation abound. What will the new
      Americanized Europe look like?

      No country will feel the effects of Americanization more than Norway, long
      known for its naive view of social responsibility and fairness. American
      values will liberate Norway from the repressive restrictions of its
      social-democratic philosophy. While some disagreements continue over the
      look of the New Norway, a general consensus on major changes is taking form.

      After more than half a century of high-quality, universal and equal
      healthcare treatment for all, Norwegians will adopt the more elegant
      pay-as-you-go American system. The best medicine will be reserved for those
      who can afford it. Those who can't will either join a limited service,
      for-profit HMO or simply go without healthcare. After all, who said
      healthcare was a right? It is a privilege for those who have earned the
      right to pay for it.

      As part of the same exciting transformation, Europeans will soon be paying
      four to 10 times more for their prescription drugs, bringing pricing in line
      with the American experience. Americans understand pharmaceutical
      corporations have to make strong profits so they can develop new drugs. The
      American way is to solve every problem with a pill, so drug company profits
      must be protected at all costs.

      To improve their safety and allow them to defend their personal property,
      Europeans will be encouraged to own and carry handguns, assault rifles and
      any other weapons they want. There is little doubt Europe will be the
      "safer" place promised by Bush once capital punishment returns, offering
      people the same deterrent protection against the murder of children and
      other innocents Americans enjoy.

      Marijuana users will face long-term incarceration, raising public morality
      while also creating a boom in penal institution construction and increased
      employment not only for building tradesmen but individuals attracted to the
      dynamic new profession of prison guard.

      Global fast-food companies will put small restaurants out of business,
      allowing Europeans to enjoy the security of knowing that no matter where
      they travel, the food will always taste, smell and look identical and be
      served by minimum wage, uniformed high school kids or pensioners.
      McDonald's, Burger King, KFC, Subway and other franchises will eliminate the
      anxiety of restaurant choice. As all European towns will look the same once
      the franchises and strip malls have been installed, Americans will no longer
      have to visit six countries in 10 days during their once-in-a-lifetime
      overseas trip.

      Stand a group of Europeans next to a group of Americans, and it is obvious
      the former are nutritionally deprived. Once fast-food restaurants take over,
      Europeans will grow to their proper size. And the economic benefits will be
      multiple: Big and Tall shops will open in all countries, and a
      billion-dollar diet industry will spring up. Foul-tasting low-fat foods will
      be everywhere. No food product will ever again be sold without a package
      claim of 10 to 99 percent less fat, calories, sodium, etc., etc.

      Food animals will be raised the American way. No longer will chickens, lamb,
      beef cattle or any food animal be denied the benefits of growth hormones and
      antibiotic maxi-doses. Grains will all be biotech and farms will be run by
      huge corporations, which will benefit everyone. Selfish small-acreage farms
      will be swallowed up. Enormous food animal facilities will allow neighbors
      from miles around to smell the sweet scent of animal waste day and night.
      The sharing of animal droppings in streams, rivers and lakes will promote
      new exotic plant growth in unexpected places, greening our dull European
      world and delighting everyone.

      Europeans will no longer have to endure the burden of producing their own
      products. All items needed for good living will be produced in Third World
      countries. Even better, each town, large or small, will have at least one
      Wal-Mart to sell those goods. Wal-Mart will no longer be just "America's
      store" -- it will supply the world with low-priced goods while providing
      minimum-wage, 28-hour-a-week, no-benefits jobs for a permanent class of
      service serfs. As an added benefit, the congestion that has long plagued
      town centers in Europe will be relieved once Wal-Mart puts most small retail
      stores out of business.

      When it comes to work, it'll be time for lazy Europeans to come to terms
      with the fact that "La Dolce Vita" may have been a great movie, but it's an
      unprofitable way to live. Four or more weeks of vacation a year will be
      replaced by two weeks (after two years of work).

      Taxes formerly levied on the rich will be transferred to the middle class,
      creating a shortfall. Governments will then be justified in cutting back on
      public transportation or forcing it to privatize. Once railways and bus
      systems go on the auction block, automobile corporations will snap them up,
      as they did in many parts of America, and quickly bankrupt them. This will
      dramatically increase the need for cars, which will greatly increase
      employment in low-wage countries around the world. It won't be long before
      all Europeans either own or dream of the day they will own an American-made
      SUV. These gas-guzzling polluters will warm the earth, bringing a smile to
      the face of freedom-loving Eskimos, Siberians and researchers in Baffin
      Land.

      Europe's confusing and chaotic political parties will be eliminated,
      replaced by a one-party system pretending to be two. Europeans will learn
      that what they previously considered corruption (giving huge cash donations
      to politicians to gain access and consideration) is really "free speech." At
      last they will be permitted to enjoy yearlong campaigns. No more six-week
      campaigns without TV advertising. And those weekly forums when the leaders
      of each party sit together and present their visions to the public --
      b-o-r-i-n-g. American-style attack ads will bring pizzazz and entertainment
      back to politics.

      After years of dangerous transparency, Norwegian politicians will no longer
      be required by "sunshine" laws to turn over all correspondence not related
      to national security to any citizen who asks to see it. As Vice President
      Dick Cheney and the top oil executives who helped him formulate America's
      energy policy know, no government becomes great by letting the people in on
      what it is doing!

      Europe will adopt American accounting rules, allowing CEOs to adjust the
      profit figures and enrich executives, who are already paid 500 times the
      wage of ordinary workers. Golden parachutes and $1 million-a-year retirement
      packages for CEOs will give European executives the incentive to do a better
      job for shareholders. Government oversight of corporate business conduct
      will be replaced by the American system of self-regulation, which has proven
      to be so effective.

      For too many years Norwegians and other Europeans have been neglecting their
      economic -- which means patriotic -- responsibilities. "Living within one's
      means" is a fine-sounding phrase, but it does nothing to help national
      economies to grow. Consequently, all Europeans will be sent five to 20
      credit cards so they can begin to incur a level of debt consistent with
      American freedom and values.

      "Whenever I hear the word 'culture,' I reach for my revolver," Goebbels
      said, and his far-seeing words will provide the parameters for a bold new
      market-based approach to the arts and entertainment. Tax-supported public
      television stations will be sold to commercial interests. The discredited
      20th century notion of airways belonging to the people will be history, as
      will the limited economic potential of broadcasting for the public good.
      Global media companies will decide what news or programs the public will
      see. Europeans will discover how much better entertainment is when a program
      is interrupted every 10 minutes to air five commercials!

      A new era of victimhood will lead Norwegians to sue en masse for punitive
      damages. Presently Norwegians are expected to watch where they are going;
      they assume their accidents to be at least in part their responsibility.
      When American values prevail, this bizarre delusion will vanish, increasing
      the number of trial lawyers and other underrepresented professionals.

      Sustainable energy schemes like Denmark's electricity-producing windmills
      will be stopped. People will be encouraged to use energy created with oil
      and coal. God put it there in the ground for our use; it would be wrong to
      turn our back on His gift. Europeans will realize that the Kyoto treaty is
      an insult to man's rightful dominion over nature. No country should ever
      sign treaties that might cause corporations to spend more money and thereby
      reduce profits: in the words of President Bush, "I'm not doing anything that
      will hurt the American economy." Once American values are in place, no
      country in Europe will have to care about or cooperate with, any other
      country in the world. That's freedom!

      Europeans will accept that the best use of historic buildings is as gigantic
      billboards. If the Coliseum must stay in its present location, its name will
      be changed to the "Nike Coliseum." The preservation of culture, traditions,
      history and even language must be justified economically. Ninety-five
      percent of all Norwegians may currently attend Independence Day parades and
      celebrations, but no marketing studies have been carried out to determine
      whether these events generate enough business to make them economically
      feasible. If they do not, they must be ceased. Global soft-drink
      corporations will place their vending machines in every school, bending
      children's minds to assure brand loyalty and create lifelong consumers.

      With American values will come a mass influx of toupees. Unlike in Europe,
      no American politician, political pundit or news analyst appears to have
      ever lost a single hair. Moreover, research indicates that almost all
      American politicians who wear toupees avoided military service in their
      youth. One theory is that toupee wearers are better able to tolerate the
      heat of the false hair on their heads since they were never required to wear
      helmets.

      Finally, American values will enable Europeans to fulfill their real
      obligations. Instead of wasting their tax money on healthcare, social
      programs, repair of roads, bridges and support of cultural programs, the
      money will be spent on defense. The European Union will emerge as a potent
      military force. That will eliminate the endless time and millions of dollars
      needed to work in harmony with the rest of the world. Europe can turn all
      its efforts inward and not worry about things like world poverty, disease,
      the environment, global warming, pollution, brutal dictatorships or hunger.
      If other countries don't like it, tough. Like America, Europe will be a
      shining city of freedom on the distant hill, needing no one and watching out
      only for its own interests.

      We can hardly wait.

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