RE: [mythsoc] Best Jackson review yet
- She said, still catching up with e-mail....
This is absolutely hilarious! Thanks, David.
From: David S Bratman dbratman@...
Date: Sun, 26 Jan 2003 12:39:19 -0800
Subject: [mythsoc] Best Jackson review yet
Dave Barry wrote:
I finally saw the new Lord of the Rings movie, which is entitled Lord of
the Rings II: A LOT More Stuff Happens. It's a tad on the long side (three
days) but I am not complaining. My eyeballs were literally riveted to the
screen, by literal rivets, from the moment I sat down until the moment I
lost all sensation in my lower body.
Yes, this is a classic movie, the kind that makes you laugh; makes you cry;
makes you wonder, over and over, if this would be a good time to go to the
bathroom. Above all, it's a movie that makes you think about the issues
raised by the plot, the main issue being: What the heck IS the plot?
I say this because it's a very complicated story, with numerous subplots
and something like 11,000 major characters, most of whom have
hard-to-remember names like ''Flagodirt'' or ''Grempkin.'' So today, as a
service to all of you who were confused by this great movie, I present the
SIMPLIFIED SCREENPLAY FOR LORD OF THE RINGS II
FRODO: Darn! I still have this darned ring that I got in the first movie!
SAMWISE: The ring with the terrible power that causes everyone who comes
near it to over-act?
FRODO: Yes! And to destroy it, we must walk, slowly, in real time, all the
way across New Zealand!
SAMWISE: But who will guide us?
FRODO: How about a reptilian computer-generated creature with a bad
SAMWISE: Dick Cheney's in this movie?
GOLLUM: Very funny, Hobbitt-breath.
LORD ARAGORN: Well, my two trusty companions -- Legolas, the Strangely Tall
Elf; and Gimli, the Comic Relief Dwarf -- in our subplot, we are pursuing
Merry and Pippin, who have been captured by Orcs, and now we find ourselves
in the Kingdom of Rohan, ruled by King Theoden, whose daughter, Eowyn, will
become my second love interest once the king is released from the spell
cast by his trusted counselor, Grima Wormtongue, who is secretly in league
with the evil wizard Saruman!
LEGOLAS: I have no idea what you're talking about.
LORD ARAGORN: Me either. I'm just reading the script.
GIMLI: Well, I'm really short!
LORD ARAGORN: But enough explanatory dialogue. It's time for one of the
estimated 17 big sword-clanging battles we have in this movie with hideous
computer-generated monsters who always outnumber us by the thousands,
although we defeat them every time, because we are courageous heroes!
LEGOLAS: Also, they have the hand-to-hand-combat skills of alfalfa.
SWORDS: CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!
MERRY: Well, Pippin, we escaped the Orcs, and now we are being carried
around by talking trees!
PIPPIN: Apparently, the audience will swallow anything!
TREE: It gets worse! Later on, we engage in branch-to-hand combat!
SWORDS: CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!
FRODO: How come, if I'm the protagonist, Lord Aragorn has TWO love
interests, and I'm stuck in a subplot with Dick Cheney?
GOLLUM: Maybe it's because your big hairy feet make you look like you're
wearing a pair of dead weasels.
LORD ARAGORN: Well, Legolas and Gimli, with the help of Gandalf the White,
formerly Gandalf the Grey, also known as Gandalf the Beige, we have
defeated the Uruk-hai in a giant computer-generated battle. Now we must
make haste to the Really Big Rock of Karambador, before the forces of
Ba'Zoot, led by the evil King Weltpimple, conquer the Mullions of Gneep and
obtain the Remote Control Unit of Doom!
LEGOLAS: Now you're just making stuff up.
LORD ARAGORN: Well, it's not as stupid as the kung-fu trees.
GIMLI: I'm still short!
FRODO: UH-oh! The movie is over, and I still have this darned ring! Do you
realize what that means?
SAMWISE: That ''Weasel Feet'' would be a good name for a rock band?
FRODO: Yes, as would ''Kung Fu Trees'' and ''Combat Alfalfa.'' But my point
is that the forces of Evil have been let loose upon the land, which means
soon there will be...
SAMWISE: No! Not that!
FRODO: Yes. Another sequel.
The Mythopoeic Society website http://www.mythsoc.org
Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
mail2web - Check your email from the web at