Re: [mythsoc] Elections in Middle-Earth
- Ah, but Gandalf would never have been a Democrat. Shameful slander!
As the clock struck 11:46 AM 11/29/2000 -0800, Donovan & Lillian Mattole
took pen in hand and wrote:
>I haven't kept up on reading the digests lately, so if someone already--
>posted this I apologize. I couldn't help passing it along.
> > We are broadcasting live tonight from the village of
> > Bree with the most complete coverage of the 2000
> > Election you'll find anywhere. With the bluster of the
> > recent debates and the bizarre negative ad campaign set
> > forward by the trailing candidates this Presidential
> > race has certainly become one of the most dramatic in
> > recent memory. And this little Ent has quite a long
> > memory, suffice it to say.
> > During the primaries, public opinion polls were strongly
> > in favor of Republican nominee Saruman the White. The
> > widespread support Saruman received from the Dunlendings
> > proved crucial at the Eregion Caucus. However, those
> > numbers have dropped considerably through the summer;
> > the most recent Gallup Poll surprising many analysts.
> > With Saruman's early lead quickly vanishing his campaign
> > strategists have introduced the 'Many Colors' slogan in
> > his speeches and TV spots, apparently to court the
> > minority vote.
> > Vice-presidential running mate Gríma Wormtongue showed
> > little concern last Thursday at a fund-raising dinner in
> > Edoras. "It takes no keener sight to spot a trend than
> > to spot a crow in the field," he said. "If we lavished
> > all our efforts at the whim of every poll, we'd be
> > heedless to our true task: Educating the voters about
> > who Saruman really is-a great leader who will be a grand
> > President!"
> > GOP organizers were dealt a blow last July when it was
> > publicly revealed that the Saruman campaign received
> > large donations from the Orcs of the Misty Mountains.
> > Saruman's more vocal opponents had a field day with this
> > disclosure, and the press has been unrelenting.
> > Downplaying the controversy as "little more than a
> > feckless attempt to divert from the issues," Saruman
> > himself held a press conference on the Isengard lawn.
> > With his usual crowd-pleasing panache he called himself
> > a "Man of the Future," and railed against his critics
> > with a fury. "Embrace the future by upholding the past!"
> > he urged. "I shall bring great lore and vast wisdom to
> > the Presidency; for the vital prosperity of Middle-earth
> > can come only from Orthanc."
> > However, his campaign officers have yet to return the
> > funds in question. The donating organization, calling
> > themselves 'Sons of Snaga,' would not return our calls
> > or grant an interview.
> > In his current televised ads front-running Democratic
> > candidate Gandalf the Grey asserts that Orcs will never
> > be granted the right to vote-and he termed their
> > donations to the Saruman camp "shameful." He also called
> > on the Attorney General's office to launch an
> > investigation into further fund-raising abuses.
> > When Gandalf secured the Democratic nomination earlier
> > this year it was clear he intended to fully embrace the
> > party platform. Indeed, his rising popularity in the
> > West is mainly due to his stand on labor and
> > environmental issues.
> > Advocating his policy at a recent town meeting in
> > Rivendell, Gandalf said: "Any fool can chop down a tree,
> > and a whole army of fools can destroy a forest. But the
> > Wise know the outcome of such rash spoiling. The adverse
> > effects will linger across many unhappy generations,
> > bringing profit to no one. If Saruman wants to build his
> > machines and thus expand the enterprise of his
> > supporters, he does so at great peril. The land he
> > wounds in the process shall not forgive him. And neither
> > shall we." It is interesting to note that union leaders
> > and environmental groups alike firmly endorsed Gandalf's
> > candidacy long before the World Trade Organization.
> > After Gandalf announced Tom Bombadil as his running
> > mate, there was quiet grumbling among the ranks of
> > established Democrats. Some analysts believed Bombadil
> > would have a difficult time connecting with
> > voters. "It's all that blasted singing," one aide close
> > to the campaign told us, insisting on anonymity. "What
> > are the spin doctors going to do with all that 'Ring a
> > ding dillo' stuff? No one can take him seriously."
> > During the Democratic National Convention I had the
> > opportunity to interview several devout Bombadil
> > supporters who believe that that is exactly the point.
> > His eccentricity and ability to make up rhymes on the
> > spot seems to appeal to a wide constituency. Bombadil
> > has also gained a lot of ground among Hobbits with his
> > staunch 'hands-off' foreign policy.
> > To gain a better understanding of the climate among
> > today's Hobbit voters, a visit to the Shire was in
> > order. It is an idyllic, perfectly-ordered country where
> > the rhythm of their rural lives sets a certain mood.
> > That mood distinctly sours, however, with the suggestion
> > of the White Hand sitting in the White House.
> > "We don't want none a' his fancy policies 'round here,"
> > one Farmer Cotton told us on the eve of Saruman's
> > nomination. "If his idea of New Economics is tearing
> > down our Mill and sandblasting our homes for the sake a'
> > profit, he's got another thing coming! He's naught but a
> > ninny I tell you!"
> > Other young Hobbits were also pessimistic about the
> > Saruman/Gríma ticket. Their concerns about education
> > reforms are typified in a brightly-haired maidchild that
> > we spoke to named Ruby. "We all want to learn our
> > letters; and we have a right," she said. "The younger we
> > start 'em off, the better... and I don't want my tax
> > dollars being spent on some silly Republican pork
> > project when my little ones need new books!"
> > Daughter of the local Mayor, Ruby has a better grasp of
> > the political process than most. "Oh, that Sharkey is a
> > smooth talker, he is," she said. "But Gandalf really
> > said it best-'This isn't a popularity contest!' I hope
> > the young people get out there in droves on November
> > 7th. We need to make a stand."
> > Despite increased security, several riots broke out here
> > in Bree during the big Convention. The largest outburst
> > occurred during the outdoor Glass Hammer concert across
> > the street from The Pony where conventioneers were
> > assembled. Bottles and stones were hurled by a renegade
> > group of dwarves protesting government regulation of
> > trade routes to the Blue Mountains. It took several
> > hours for the A.R.C. (Archet Riot Control) to sweep
> > through the area and restore order. No one was seriously
> > hurt, but as always there were squint-eyed ill-favoured
> > thugs from the South who turned over carts and burned an
> > effigy of Gandalf in the street. This young reporter has
> > never seen such a display of bad breeding.
> > By far the most shocking development of this election
> > was the Reform Party nominating the Dark Lord Sauron as
> > their candidate. Confessed bigot, devious manipulator,
> > and all-around nasty guy, Sauron claimed the Reform
> > Party torch while simultaneously causing a flood of
> > defections by high ranking officials. Despite his strong-
> > arm tactics he was flatly denied participation in all
> > three presidential debates. His extreme views have not
> > improved his visibility, nor has an onslaught of
> > negative ads aimed at discrediting the Wizards who
> > currently dominate the political spectrum.
> > Brown party nominee Radagast Nadromeda, while calling
> > the whole political system corrupt, was again ousted
> > from the debates by representatives from both major
> > parties. He is threatening to take the matter before the
> > White Council. While elves everywhere have endorsed
> > Radagast, the Brown party fears many will vanish to the
> > Blessed Isle long before November. Both Gandalf and
> > Saruman scoff at the parties attempts to break up the
> > two-party system, calling Radagast "for the birds."
> > And now a program note: If you are wondering where the
> > oligarchy of Gondor fits into all of this, be sure to
> > join us later tonight after your local news for a
> > special edition of Entline. Appearing in his first-ever
> > broadcast interview, we'll introduce you to Aragorn
> > Telcontar, the young upstart from the North who says if
> > he has his way, the days of the Presidency will soon be
> > obsolete.
> > All punditry aside, the ultimate outcome of this
> > election lies in your hands. Your ballot is the most
> > perfect representation of vox populi. You, the voter,
> > are the true power that shapes all nations. In so small
> > an act can the hand of Destiny be changed.
> > Who will you choose?
> > Much too hasty,
> > Quickbeam
> > from:
> > http://greenbooks.theonering.net/quickbeam/files/090100.html with a slight
> > addition
>The Mythopoeic Society website http://www.mythsoc.org
James P. Robinson III jprobins@...
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